FAMILY GUY "Peter Envy" Screenplay by
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FAMILY GUY
"Peter Envy"
Screenplay by
Chip Casner
Logline: After Lois accidentally walks in on Brian masturbating,
Peter learns he's no longer the "biggest" man in the house and
must overcome his male mediocrity.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 1.
ACT ONE
EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS’ HOUSE - DAY
INT. GRIFFINS’ LIVING ROOM - SAME
The Griffin family watches television.
INT. ACTION 5 NEWS DESK - DAY (ON TV)
TOM TUCKER and MAYOR WEST sit behind the counter. A tabby
kitten nudges up to Mayor West.
MAYOR WEST
And who is this sprightly little
fellow?
Tom Tucker reads from an index card.
TOM TUCKER
Well, Mayor, this handsome fur ball is
named Barfy. He’s almost litter box
trained, gets along with other pets,
and loves to be stroked.
MAYOR WEST
... We have something in common.
The cat painfully swallows, then burps up some food all over
Tom’s papers.
TOM TUCKER
That’s... just great.
(to camera)
So head down to the Quahog Humane
Society and adopt a pet today.
BACK TO GRIFFINS’ LIVING ROOM
STEWIE
I want a kitty! I want a kitty!FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 2.
BRIAN
This is why I hate these shows. They
cater to the audience’s emotions
without one word of how much time and
effort goes into owning a pet.
LOIS
Isn’t that a bit hypocritical, Brian?
BRIAN
(defensive)
Maybe, but it’s still true. And
didn’t you already have a cat before
me?
CHRIS
He ran away.
MEG
Please mom, can we get a kitten?
LOIS
I don’t know. What do you think,
Peter?
Peter stands and projects his voice.
PETER
(inspirationally)
Whether it be an abandoned feline or a
lost and forgotten puppy, the Griffins
never turn a blind eye to man’s
selfish and incomprehensible ways.
LOIS
Peter, what are you talking about?FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 3.
PETER
To the Quahog Humane Society!
The Griffin children cheer in unison as they all file out the
door.
LOIS
I’m not cleaning up the litter this
time.
INT. GRIFFINS’ BATHROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK)
A pregnant Lois removes clumps of litter and places them in a
plastic bag. Dust particles fill the air. Lois stands and
coughs profusely.
CLOSER IN:
INT. LOIS’ INTERNAL ORGANS
The camera follows the inhaled particles, which appear to be
hundreds of nasty looking parasites down her throat and
through her umbilical cord.
They enter the stomach of the fetus which clearly resembles
Chris Griffin, and proceed toward his brain tissue... which
they begin eating.
EXT./ESTAB. QUAHOG HUMANE SOCIETY - DAY
The marquee reads “Rez dogs 1/2 off!”
EXT. QUAHOG HUMANE SOCIETY - SAME
The Griffins exit their car and pass by the barking caged
dogs. Brian viciously growls back at them.
PETER
(reprimanding)
No Brian, no! Bad dog!
Brian feels a lump in his throat.
BRIAN
I think I just swallowed some kennel
cough.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 4.
LOIS
(to Brian)
Maybe you should go wait in the car.
BRIAN
I need the exercise, so I think I’m
just gonna walk back to the house.
PETER
Alright boy, we’ll see ya at home.
The Griffins continue inside. TIFFANY, 21, drop dead
gorgeous, enters the cages carrying a bowl of water. Brian
turns and presses up against the fence.
BRIAN
I’m a little parched myself.
TIFFANY
Would you like a drink?
BRIAN
Love one. How are your martinis?
TIFFANY
They’re good, if you don’t mind a
little hair in ‘em.
Brian politely laughs.
BRIAN
Hi, I’m Brian.
TIFFANY
Hey, Brian, I’m Tiffany.
BRIAN
Any chance you’d be interested in
grabbing a real martini sometime? I
know a great place.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 5.
TIFFANY
Don’t take this the wrong way, but
you’re old enough to be my dad.
Brian chuckles.
BRIAN
Well, didn’t Freud say all daughters
are at some point attracted to their
fathers?
TIFFANY
Wow, that’s really creepy. And I have
a boyfriend.
Tiffany heads toward the door.
TIFFANY
Thanks for the offer.
Before leaving, she turns and gives Brian a flirtacious
smile. He is smitten.
EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS’ HOUSE - LATER
INT. GRIFFINS’ LIVING ROOM - SAME
Brian enters and collapses on the couch.
BRIAN
(to self)
All to myself... What to do? What to
do?
He exudes a deviant look and glances toward the bathroom.
INT. GRIFFINS’ BATHROOM - DAY
Brian sits on the commode and closes his eyes. Fast Times at
Ridgemont High reference/music begins.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 6.
EXT. SWIMMING POOL - DAY (CUTAWAY)
ANGLE ON Brian slowly opening a sliding bathroom window.
Tiffany stands on the diving board wearing a sexy red bikini.
She dives in.
INT. GRIFFINS’ BATHROOM - DAY (BACK TO SCENE)
Brian pleasures himself.
EXT. SWIMMING POOL - DAY (CUTAWAY)
Tiffany throws her hair back and pulls herself up the in-
ground pool ladder.
TIFFANY
Hi, Brian. You know how cute I always
thought you were.
INT. GRIFFINS' BATHROOM - DAY (BACK TO SCENE)
Brian continues masturbating.
EXT. SWIMMING POOL - DAY (CUTAWAY)
Tiffany struts along the pool and opens up her bikini top.
Brian approaches and kisses her.
INT. GRIFFINS’ LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
A joyous Griffin family enter with Stewie carrying, Barfy.
MEG
When do I get to pet Barfy?
STEWIE
Never! He’s all mine.
The Griffins sit on the couch. Lois continues walking.
LOIS
Smelling all that urine and feces has
made me have to use the bathroom.
INT. GRIFFINS' BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Lois walks in on Brian, looks down, and sees his enormous
package.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 7.
LOIS
Brian, I’m sorry... WOWEEEEEE!
Lois exits the bathroom. Brian hastily covers up.
BRIAN
Doesn’t anyone freakin’ knock around
here anymore?
EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS' HOUSE - NIGHT
INT. PETER AND LOIS’ BEDROOM - SAME
Lois reads a magazine as Peter watches television. She
shakes her head and lets out a small laugh.
PETER
Still thinking about walking in on
Brian? I bet he’s really small.
LOIS
No, quite the contrary. Was his
father a Great Dane or Mastiff?
PETER
(concerned)
No, he’s pure Beagle. How... big...
was... he, Lois?
LOIS
(innocently)
I don’t know.
PETER
Bigger than me?
LOIS
Maybe.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 8.
PETER
Great! If I wasn’t insecure already
with all my other flaws.
LOIS
You’re making too big of a deal out of
this, Peter. I don’t care about that
sort of thing.
Peter violently pulls the blanket over his head.
PETER
Good night, Madame Butterfly!
Lois smiles as she reaches to turn out the light.
LOIS
Good night... Brian.
Peter reveals himself from under the covers.
PETER
I knew it!
He furiously stands.
PETER
You have made the ultimate betrayal,
Lois, you’ve called out the name of
another.
LOIS
Just go to bed, Peter. It was an
accident.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 9.
PETER
As king of this 1,738 square foot Cape
Cod style home, which I think
should’ve appraised higher last year
when we took out that second mortgage
but that dumb appraiser said our
screened in porch wasn’t actual square
footage ‘cause it lacked a heat
source... I shall become longer and
girthier than any other man alive.
INT. PORN MOVIE SET - DAY (CUTAWAY)
John Holmes makes love to an adult film actress on a bed.
The director watches intensely.
PORN WOMAN
Oh, Mr. Holmes, you’re so big. Do you
feel it?
DIRECTOR
Great job, John. Just a few more
minutes, then you can release.
John continues faster while in the missionary position.
JOHN HOLMES
I feel it, baby.
PORN WOMAN
No, do you feeeelll it?
JOHN HOLMES
I feel it. Just let me work.
He continues to thrust.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 10.
PORN WOMAN
No. Do you really, really feeeelll
it?
JOHN HOLMES
(annoyed)
Feel what?
PORN WOMAN
... The AIDS.
EXT. PETER AND LOIS’ BEDROOM - NIGHT (BACK TO SCENE)
LOIS
I’m going to bed. Good night.
Peter moves to the window sill and gazes up at the moon.
PETER
(singing)
What is a guy to do, when he’s only
four point two? Does he try to ignore
the fact... he’s just the warm up act?
The camera pans across a star filled sky.
EXT. PARK BENCH - DAY
Peter sits alone feeding pigeons and watching happy couples
stroll by.
PETER
(singing)
And how can a guy believe, his girl is
truly happy. Maybe there is some way,
he can change.
INT. IRISH PUB - NIGHT
Peter wears a leprechaun’s hat and dances with the patrons.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 11.
PETER
(singing)
Oh, the Irish are so funny, the Irish
love to laugh. But the Irish have
never been known, to break a woman in
half. Oh, the Irish love to jostle,
the Irish love to rip.
Peter motions to fart.
PETER
(singing)
But the Irish have never been the
subject of any gossip.
A row of ladies sit at the bar and each whispers into the
next woman’s ear. A man at the end, with a large bulge in
his pants, winks back at them.
PETER
(singing)
The Africans, Mexicans, Italians, and
Poles too, have all been born to work
in porn, even Rod Carew... the black
Jew.
INSERT: ROD CAREW BASEBALL CARD
BACK TO IRISH PUB
PETER
(singing)
The Irish are good at labor, the Irish
have blue eyes. The Irish only seem
endowed when they’re with a girl from
Thai... land... hooooo.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 12.
The music fades. A fierce gust of wind blows the bar door
open. Peter’s hat tumbles through the air and is sucked
outside. He follows.
EXT. IRISH PUB - CONTINUOUS
Peter chases his hat as it dances in the wind just outside
his reach. A large Converse sneaker stomps on it.
Peter looks up and sees a black man with two attractive
blondes. The three get into a waiting limo and drive away as
a tear rolls down Peter’s face.
EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS’ HOUSE - DAY
INT. GRIFFINS’ LIVING ROOM - SAME
Stewie sits with Barfy. Several syringes are scattered next
to him. Brian enters, dressed for success.
STEWIE
Hi there, big guy. Where are you off
to looking all, Dapper Dan?
BRIAN
I decided to teach a screenwriting
class at the community college. What
are you doing with all those needles?
STEWIE
Just giving Barfy his distemper,
rabies, and feline Leukemia shots.
The vets are much too expensive.
BRIAN
You sure you’re qualified to do that?
STEWIE
Brian, you’re talking to a guy who
mastered time travel and human
cloning.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 13.
BRIAN
(sarcastically)
Yeah... those all turned out well.
Brian exits. Stewie examines the syringe.
STEWIE
(to self)
I guess anywhere would be fine.
He inserts the needle directly into the cat’s tail. The
feline yelps, leaps onto the floor, and throws up. Stewie
watches cautiously.
The cat steps in its own vomit and leaves barf stained paw
prints along the carpet. He snuggles in a laundry basket
filled with newly folded clothes and throws up one more time.
STEWIE
(to self)
What the deuce?
He reads the bottle next to him.
STEWIE
(to self)
Patient, Meg Griffin. If fungus
persists, please administer three
times a day.
INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (CUTAWAY)
Meg applies ointment to her toes with an eyedropper.
MEG
(to self)
Once this fungus goes away, I’m sure
to be popular.
CAMERA ZOOMS IN on Meg’s crusty big toe. THEN ZOOMS CLOSER
to reveal the fungi family homestead.
INT. FUNGI FAMILY HOUSE - NIGHT
The green, grotesque, fungi family plays cards at a table.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 14.
FUNGI MOTHER
Do you have a two?
FUNGI FATHER
Sorry, go fish.
Drops of liquid trickle down from above and onto their card
table. They all look upward.
FUNGI SON
Looks like the roof is leaking again.
FUNGI MOTHER
You know, I saw a nice little crevasse
surrounded by heavy thicket north of
here. It appeared dry as a bone.
FUNGI FATHER
Pack your bags everyone, we’re moving
out!
The fungi family carry their suitcases. ANGLE ON the
father’s suitcase which has a sticker that reads:
“Christie/Trump 2016.”
INT. GRIFFINS’ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Meg tightens the cap on her bottle and sets it next to her.
She sprawls out on the couch and scratches her crotch region.
EXT./ESTAB. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - DAY
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - SAME
Peter lies on the examining table while DR. HARTMAN probes
under his pants with a large hand-held magnifying glass.
DR. HARTMAN
Wow! This thing is really tiny.
Dr. Hartman rises wearing headphones. He fidgets with a
device.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 15.
DR. HARTMAN
My new ipod Nano offers 100 hours of
music and has 16 gigabytes of memory.
PETER
But doctor, what about the size of my
penis? Is it normal?
DR. HARTMAN
It’s perfectly normal, Mr. Griffin.
See this chart.
Dr. Hartman motions to a poster titled “The Average Male
Penis.” From left to right it’s illustrated as infant,
school boy, teenager, and adult. Dr. Hartman points between
the school boy and the teenager.
DR. HARTMAN
You’re right about here, Mr. Griffin.
But if you’re not happy, there’s
always surgery.
Dr. Hartman hands Peter some brochures.
DR. HARTMAN
Go home and read these and let me know
your decision in a few days.
As Peter exits, he sees a young boy pulling his pants up in
the next room. Peter lowers his head in shame.
EXT./ESTAB. QUAHOG COMMUNITY COLLEGE - DAY
The marquee reads: “Your last shot at doing something with
your life.”
INT. QUAHOG COMMUNITY COLLEGE CLASSROOM - SAME
Brian organizes some papers on his desk. DEAN PRICHARD,
50’s, approaches Brian.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 16.
DEAN PRICHARD
All right, Mr. Griffin, I believe
you’re all set here. If you have any
questions, my office is just down the
hall.
BRIAN
Thank you, Dean Prichard. I
appreciate the opportunity.
DEAN PRICHARD
Good day, sir.
Dean Prichard exits. Brian writes his name on the chalkboard
as students trickle into the classroom.
BRIAN
Good morning, future Charlie Kaufmans.
If you don’t know who he is... you
shouldn’t be here.
Brian’s eyes widen as Tiffany enters.
BRIAN
Tiffany!
TIFFANY
Hey, Brian.
Tiffany sits in the front row as Stewie enters.
BRIAN
Stewie? What are you doing here?
STEWIE
Barfy was a little under the weather
so I thought I’d come check out your
class.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 17.
I’ve got a few ideas brewing I
wouldn’t mind seeing on the big
screen.
BRIAN
Thanks, man.
Stewie sits down directly next to Tiffany.
BRIAN
Good morning everyone, I’m your
instructor, Mr. Griffin. But please,
call me Brian. Mr. Griffin was my
loser father’s name... who lived in a
van... down by the river.
Brian unsuccessfully attempts a Chris Farley impression. The
class is awkwardly silent.
STEWIE
That was more painful than watching
Trebek chat with the guests.
INT. JEOPARDY SET - DAY (CUTAWAY)
ALEX TREBEK makes small talk with the players.
ALEX TREBEK
Nora, our returning champion, has an
obsession with... aglets? I know what
those are because I’m a genius, but
why don’t you inform our audience.
NORA, 50’s, homely with thick glasses, responds.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 18.
NORA
Aglets are the tiny plastic sleeves at
the end of your shoelaces that keep
them from unraveling.
ALEX TREBEK
I won’t be buying you any clogs for
your birthday.
The live audience sighs in anguish at his awful joke.
ALEX TREBEK
All right, let’s get back to the game.
INT. QUAHOG COMMUNITY COLLEGE CLASSROOM - DAY (BACK TO SCENE)
Brian lays a sheet of paper on each of the student’s desks.
BRIAN
The first thing we’re going to learn
is how to develop your characters so
they’re memorable, engaging, and full
of life.
Brian finishes at Tiffany’s desk. Stewie has not received
one and tries to get Brian’s attention.
STEWIE
Mr. Griffin, I didn’t get a character
development worksheet.
Brian continues to ignore Stewie.
BRIAN
(to Tiffany)
What are the chances... I could have
breakfast at Tiffany’s?
Stewie lowers his head.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 19.
STEWIE
Ugh.
BRIAN
I’m sorry. That was really
inappropriate.
TIFFANY
It was. But I like inappropriate.
Brian gazes at her in a boyish, crush sort of way. She
returns the gesture. Stewie continues to be ignored.
STEWIE
... Wish I had a character worksheet.
END OF ACT ONEFAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 20.
ACT TWO
EXT./ESTAB. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - NIGHT
INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - SAME
Peter, Quagmire, and Joe sit at a table drinking draft beers.
JOE
The official term is penile
enhancement surgery. Lengthening is
achieved by a procedure that releases
the suspensory ligament from the pubic
bone. A small incision is made in the
upper pubic region which allows the
hair to grow over the scar making the
surgery virtually undetectable.
PETER
Wow, Joe. You sure know a lot about
this.
JOE
Let’s just say, after the accident, I
had a little help from science.
QUAGMIRE
If this is something Lois is curious
about, I could, you know... help you
out.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 21.
PETER
No, I just want to be like one of
those tall guys that walks around all
arrogant ‘cause you know they’re
packing a tennis racquet handle...
Like street walkin’ Charlie.
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY (CUTAWAY)
A tall, lanky black man struts down the street. Cars veer to
avoid hitting him.
STREET WALKIN’ CHARLIE
(singing)
I’m street walkin’ Charlie, I walk
along the street, I don’t use the
sidewalk so they swerve around me.
I’m street walkin’ Charlie, I got
nowhere to go, I don’t have a job so I
take it slow.
Stewie is dressed in drag and sings the chorus alongside two
other hookers as they loiter at a bus stop.
STEWIE AND HOOKERS
Street walkin’ Charlie, street walkin’
Charlie. Street walkin’ Charlie,
street walkin’ Charlie.
Quagmire pulls up in his Corvette.
QUAGMIRE
Hey, Street, how come you don’t use
the sidewalk?FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 22.
STREET WALKIN’ CHARLIE
Hey, Quagmire, how come you don’t use
a condom?
QUAGMIRE
Yeah, yeah... point taken.
Quagmire’s license plate reads STD4U as he speeds off. The
song briefly repeats.
EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS’ HOUSE - DAY
INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - SAME
Stewie types on a laptop with Barfy napping above him on the
top of the couch. In the background, Chris chases Meg with
his finger pointed at her. Stewie is perturbed.
MEG
Mom! Chris is trying to give me an
ear booger!
LOIS (O.S.)
Chris, stop wiping boogers on your
sister.
Chris and Meg race out of the living room.
INT. GRIFFINS’ SCREENED-IN PORCH - CONTINUOUS
Chris and Meg are bewildered and confused. The screens and
ceiling are neglected and covered with old cobwebs.
CHRIS
What is this place?
MEG
I think it’s the screened-in porch dad
was complaining about to the
appraiser.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 23.
CHRIS
Like the one you can see connected to
our house in the establishing exterior
shot of every episode?
MEG
Yeah. Let’s get out of here.
Chris and Meg quickly exit.
INT. GRIFFINS’ LIVING ROOM - DAY
Brian enters wearing a tie and carrying a suitcase.
BRIAN
Is that my star pupil working on his
first assignment?
STEWIE
Yep. I’ve chosen to write a post-
apocalyptic thriller in which farmers
no longer receive subsidies and the
only food that’s available is made
from human waste.
BRIAN
(encouraging)
You know what they say. It doesn’t
matter what you write about, as long
as you’re writing.
STEWIE
Thanks, teach.
Brian continues into the kitchen.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 24.
INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Brian throws his stuff on the table, grabs a beer from the
fridge and sits down. Lois enters.
LOIS
Hi Brian. Again, I’m really sorry for
the other day. If I had known you
were packing such a Kielbasa... things
could’ve been different with us.
BRIAN
Really?
LOIS
Brian, I’m joking.
BRIAN
Oh, right.
LOIS
How’s your new job going?
Lois pours herself a beverage from the fridge.
BRIAN
You know, I really love it. It’s the
first thing I’ve been paid for that
doesn’t feel like work. But there’s
this girl in my class. I can’t stop
thinking about her.
LOIS
I’m sure teachers face this problem
all the time. You just gotta be
disciplined and set some boundaries.
You’ll figure it out.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 25.
BRIAN
I hope so.
Lois exits. Brian takes a long chug of beer, kicks his feet
up on the table, closes his eyes, and slips into a daydream.
MONTAGE BEGINS - BRIAN’S DREAM SEQUENCE
INT. OSCAR AWARDS CEREMONY - NIGHT
Brian kisses Tiffany on his way up to the podium. He accepts
his first Oscar and points back to her.
INT. METROPOLITAN MUSEUM - DAY
Brian and Tiffany stroll along the hallways eating cheese and
drinking martinis. Brian marks a statue with his urine.
Tiffany shakes her head.
EXT. GRASS FIELD - DAY
The two of them play croquet. Tiffany intentionally knocks
Brian’s ball out of bounds. He shakes his head but smiles.
EXT. SAILBOAT - DAY
Brian proudly stands at the helm as Tiffany reads a book.
BACK TO GRIFFINS’ KITCHEN
ANGLE ON a finger covered with snot slowly moving towards
Brian’s lobe while he daydreams. It’s then jammed into his
ear.
BRIAN
(bleeped)
What the fuck?
CHRIS
EAR BOOGER!
Chris runs away laughing.
EXT./ESTAB. QUAHOG COMMUNITY COLLEGE - DAY
INT. QUAHOG COMMUNITY COLLEGE CLASSROOM - SAME
The class has ended. Students prepare to leave.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 26.
BRIAN
Don’t forget, those outlines are due
tomorrow.
Tiffany is one of the last to exit. She stops at Brian’s
desk and plays with a pen in her mouth.
BRIAN
Did you have a question, Tiffany?
TIFFANY
Kinda. My boyfriend and I broke up,
and I was wondering if you wanna...
maybe hang tonight?
BRIAN
I’d love to.
Tiffany grabs Brian’s paw and writes her number on it.
TIFFANY
Text me for directions.
Tiffany walks away as Brian stares down at the phone number
on his paw. Stewie appears, shaking his head.
BRIAN
What?
STEWIE
Little pajama party over at Tiff’s?
BRIAN
You think it’s a bad idea?
STEWIE
Like when American Idol dropped their
age limit.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 27.
INT. AMERICAN IDOL STAGE - NIGHT (CUTAWAY)
HAROLD, older pedophile, performs a modified version of a
Katy Perry song.
HAROLD
(singing)
I kissed a boy and I liked it. The
taste of his cherry chapstick. It
felt so good, it felt so right,
doesn’t mean I’m in love tonight.
EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS’ HOUSE - NIGHT
INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - SAME
Lois serves the family their dinner.
LOIS
Have any of you seen your father? He
left this morning without even saying
goodbye.
Peter enthusiastically enters.
PETER
Hi, family! Sorry I’m late.
LOIS
Where have you been all day?
Peter sits and begins devouring his grub.
PETER
Let’s just say... whatever it is I
did, I’m a bigger man for it.
Peter playfully bumps Brian with his elbow. Lois sits and
joins them.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 28.
LOIS
Next time at least let me know what
you’re doing.
Brian clears his plate.
BRIAN
I’m off to the... library.
STEWIE
I didn’t realize they’re open this
late.
BRIAN
Well, they are!
Brian hastily exits.
STEWIE
(to self)
He’s more elusive than that last
sliver I had.
INT. INDEX FINGER (FLASHBACK)
A wooden sliver rests underneath the epidermis. Tweezers
attempt to remove it but are unsuccessful.
STEWIE (V.O.)
(frustrated)
Come on! Show yourself, damn it!
A close up of the sliver reveals Peter’s face.
PETER SLIVER
(teasing)
I’m under the skin... You can’t get
me.
INT. PETER AND LOIS’ BEDROOM - NIGHT
A naked Peter enters the bedroom from the bathroom. Lois
lays on the bed wearing lingerie.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 29.
LOIS
I don’t know what you did, Peter, but
Brian has got nothing on you now.
Peter leaps into bed and they passionately kiss. Lois moans
with delight. A perplexed Peter stops and opens his eyes.
LOIS
Is something wrong?
PETER
There’s nothing happening down there.
LOIS
Do you want me put on Cinemax or do
the flashcards of New England
lighthouses?
PETER
It’s not necessary. I’m hung like a
horse but have the sensitivity of a
great white shark.
Peter casually stands, thinking he’s off camera and the scene
has ended.
PETER
Is it lunch yet? I am so ready for
some craft services.
LOIS
I think we’re still rolling.
PETER
What? Did we not go to the cutaway?FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 30.
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
The word sensitivity doesn’t really
work with the clip we have.
PETER
(annoyed)
Either you find a word that does, or
release us for lunch.
Several beats pass.
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Fine, roll camera.
Peter searches to find his mark on the bed.
PETER
(to self)
I think I was here.
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Action!
PETER
It’s not necessary. I’m hung like a
horse but have the sensitivity of a
great white shark.
EXT. PACIFIC OCEAN - DAY (CUTAWAY)
A surfer straddles his board and pleads with a great white
shark. The shark has its fins crossed and listens politely.
SURFER
I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t
bite me. I just recently got engaged,
landed an awesome job, and spoke to my
father for the first time in years.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 31.
SHARK
Oh, congratulations.
SURFER
Thanks... So, if you could go find a
seal or something... that would be
great.
SHARK
Sure, no problem. Enjoy the
afternoon. Great weather we’re
having.
The shark disappears under the ocean as the surfer paddles
away. The great white then bursts through the water and
bites off the surfer’s leg, which immediately bleeds
profusely.
SURFER
(angrily)
What’s up with that? I thought you
weren’t gonna bite me?
SHARK
Sorry... habit.
END OF ACT TWOFAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 32.
ACT THREE
EXT. COLONIAL HOUSE - NIGHT
An old weathered historic home sits hauntingly at the top of
a hill. Brian nervously knocks at the door and Tiffany
answers.
TIFFANY
Hi, Brian. Come on in.
INT. COLONIAL HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Brian enters cautiously as a dog would in the presence of
something supernatural. He follows Tiffany along a dank and
dimly lit hallway.
BRIAN
What is this place? It feels cold and
painful.
TIFFANY
It used to be Lizzie Borden’s house
back in the 1800’s. My parents are
hoping to turn it into a bed and
breakfast.
INT. COLONIAL HOUSE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Brian sits down on an antique Victorian style couch.
TIFFANY
Do you want a glass of wine?
BRIAN
Sure. Wasn’t Lizzie Borden the
spinster who killed her father and
stepmother with an axe?
Tiffany returns carrying two glasses of red.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 33.
TIFFANY
Yep... but she was never convicted.
Tiffany moves closer to Brian on the couch.
BRIAN
Where are your parents?
TIFFANY
They’re antiquing in Vermont. That’s
why I invited you here, to protect me
from Lizzie’s evil ghost.
The two begin kissing. It gets more serious. Tiffany
pretends to give Brian a lap dance. Suddenly, Stewie appears
as a ghost dressed in eighteenth century garb yielding a
small hatchet. He hovers above.
GHOST STEWIE
Hi, Brian.
BRIAN
Stewie? What are you?
GHOST STEWIE
I’m kinda this ghost-slash-your
subconscious, mixed with fears of
being in a house that was once a
gruesome murder scene.
BRIAN
Whatever you are, go away!
TIFFANY
(to Brian)
Who are you talking to?
BRIAN
Sorry, no one.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 34.
Tiffany continues to sexually tease Brian.
GHOST STEWIE
Is this really worth losing the only
job you’ve ever loved?
Brian ponders for a few seconds, then moves away from
Tiffany.
BRIAN
I can’t do this.
TIFFANY
Why? Do you not find me attractive?
BRIAN
Of course I do... you’re like a model.
TIFFANY
Then, what is it?
BRIAN
I’m just having these moral
repercussions.
Tiffany is clearly put off. She immediately stands.
TIFFANY
Unbelievable! You undress me with
your eyes all week long in class and
now you won’t even touch me. Is this
some type of power grab of yours to
get the upper hand?
BRIAN
What? Not at all. I don’t even know
what that means.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 35.
TIFFANY
Yes you do! Just get out!
Tiffany hastily exits. Stewie re-appears as a ghost.
GHOST STEWIE
Wow, she’s kind of a bitch.
BRIAN
What are you still doing in my
subconscious?
GHOST STEWIE
You know... just chillin’. Who’s the
guy at the park offering you candy?
BRIAN
Stewie, get out of there!
GHOST STEWIE
See ya at home, buddy!
Stewie dissolves into a speck of light, then shoots out a
window and vanishes up toward the heavens.
EXT./ESTAB. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - DAY
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - SAME
Peter lies on a bed with his feet in stirrups. A doctor is
hidden inside his gown examining him.
PETER
As you can see doc, you gave me a
front tail. Not to mention I think I
peed out a vein last night.
The doctor stands up and JACK ELAM, 60’s, cross-eyed, bushy
eyebrows, is revealed. His speech is slurred and he appears
intoxicated.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 36.
PETER
Jack Elam? The doctor from Cannonball
Run?
JACK ELAM
That’s right.
Jack Elam walks to a counter and suspiciously mixes some
chemicals.
JACK ELAM
(singing to self)
California here we come, right back
where we started from.
He turns toward Peter and squirts a needle full of liquid
into the air.
PETER
Where’s Dr. Hartman?
JACK ELAM
Sabbatical!
PETER
So you botched my operation?
JACK ELAM
Let me just find my scalpel and trim
off the excess. First, I need a
drink.
The doctor returns to the counter cabinet, removes a bottle
of scotch, and pours himself a shot. He turns around and
Peter is gone. He shoots his whiskey and chases it with the
spray from a nearby syringe.
INT. PETER’S CAR - DAY
Peter aggressively switches lanes.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 37.
PETER
(to self)
Stupid new health care plan.
A godlike, baritone voice interjects from above.
VOICE OF REASON (V.O.)
It will allow Chris and Meg to be
insured until they’re 26, reduces the
deficit according to the independent
Congressional Budget Office, and sets
limits on what insurance companies can
charge.
PETER
But I won’t be able to choose my own
doctor and the quality of my treatment
will decline, like with my operation.
VOICE OF REASON (V.O.)
Absolutely not. That was just an
unfortunate mix up. And the cost of
your procedure would have been
astronomical without your new
coverage.
PETER
Then why do I hate the new health care
bill so much?FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 38.
VOICE OF REASON (V.O.)
Because much like the other 51 percent
of Americans, you’re uninformed,
uneducated, and would jump off a
bridge if Glenn Beck told you to.
PETER
You know, voice of reason, you’re
starting to make some excellent
points.
VOICE OF REASON (V.O.)
Thank you, Peter. Good luck with your
penis.
Peter reaches down toward his crotch area.
PETER
(cringing)
Just... want... to... go... back...
to... normal.
Peter lets out a horrific scream, then throws something out
the driver’s side window.
EXT. HIGHWAY SHOULDER AREA - CONTINUOUS
A prison guard supervises inmates who pick up trash along the
interstate. A large flap of penis skin lands on the shoulder
of the officer. He cautiously smells it and is repulsed.
GAY PRISONER
That ain’t no snake skin!
EXT./ESTAB. QUAHOG COMMUNITY COLLEGE - DAY
INT. QUAHOG COMMUNITY COLLEGE HALLWAY - SAME
Brian walks with confidence and cheerfully says hello to the
students. He is met with somber responses.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 39.
BRIAN
Hey Jake, great job last week.
The boy doesn’t respond.
BRIAN
Hey Kelly, don’t forget to work on
that third act.
She shakes her head and does not respond. Stewie calmly
stands outside the classroom door.
BRIAN
What is going on with everyone today?
STEWIE
Go on in and find out.
Brian enters his classroom.
INT. QUAHOG COMMUNITY COLLEGE CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dean Prichard stands sternly with Tiffany in front of Brian’s
desk.
DEAN PRICHARD
Mr. Griffin, effective immediately,
you are hereby fired from Quahog
Community College.
BRIAN
For what?
DEAN PRICHARD
Inappropriate behavior with a student.
Tiffany smiles smugly.
BRIAN
What? Dean Prichard, she’s lying.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 40.
DEAN PRICHARD
I’m sorry. I’ve made my decision.
BRIAN
This is bogus! I’m not even going to
give you two the satisfaction of a
response. I know the truth.
Brian angrily turns and storms out of the room.
DEAN PRICHARD
Good day, Mr. Griffin.
EXT./ESTAB. GRIFFINS’ HOUSE - NIGHT
INT. GRIFFINS’ LIVING ROOM - SAME
Stewie forcefully carries Barfy to the front door. He drops
him down and opens the front door.
STEWIE
If you’re gonna puke again, do it
outside!
Barfy playfully rubs up against the opening but stays inside.
Stewie gently bumps the cat out the door with his foot.
STEWIE
Go on.
Stewie returns to the couch and types on his laptop.
INT. GRIFFINS’ LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Peter enters, intoxicated, and squeezes Stewie’s cheeks.
PETER
Sorry, Stewie. Daddy ran over your
big wheel again.
Peter staggers up the stairs.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 41.
STEWIE
(to self)
That’s odd. I parked it in the garage
like I do every night.
INT. PETER AND LOIS’ BEDROOM - NIGHT
Peter romantically grabs Lois and carries her onto the bed.
LOIS
Is everything working?
PETER
Like the precise inner movements of a
Swiss timepiece.
Peter suggestively lays on top of Lois.
LOIS
How many times do I have to tell you,
Peter? I love you for who you are,
not what hangs on the outside.
PETER
I love you too, sweetie.
Peter reaches over to turn off the light and the room goes
dark.
LOIS (V.O.)
Now rough me up with that disfigured
peanut shell!
EXT./ESTAB. QUAHOG COMMUNITY COLLEGE - DAY
The marquee reads, “Teacher wanted, dogs need not apply.”
INT. QUAHOG COMMUNITY COLLEGE CLASSROOM - SAME
Dean Prichard lectures the class.FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 42.
DEAN PRICHARD
Tiffany, please read the first page of
your screenwriting handbook.
Tiffany doesn’t know how to respond.
TIFFANY
That page has been ripped out, sir.
DEAN PRICHARD
Borrow someone else’s!
TIFFANY
They’re all ripped out, sir.
Brian sheepishly enters the classroom.
BRIAN
I came for my personals. Should I
come back after class?
DEAN PRICHARD
Get them now, Mr. Griffin.
Stewie sadly stares at Brian as he gathers his stuff through
a connecting office. Dean Prichard hands Tiffany his
workbook.
DEAN PRICHARD
Here, read mine.
TIFFANY
“Understanding Screenwriting by Joseph
E. Casner. In order to understand and
fully digest screen writing, one must
journey into the soul of the writer.
This is where the creativity and
uniqueness of every story is derived.”FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 43.
Brian slowly walks past Stewie’s desk and toward the door.
STEWIE
(interrupting)
Mr. Griffin! This shouldn’t have
happened! You did the right thing!
Brian stops and turns to acknowledge his heartfelt rant.
DEAN PRICHARD
Leave, Mr. Griffin! I said leave!
STEWIE
It’s not your fault, Mr. Griffin.
They made a mistake. They made us
sign a form.
DEAN PRICHARD
One more outburst from you, Stewie,
and you’re expelled from this school!
Brian begins to exit. Stewie tearfully stands on his desk
wearing his prep school suit and tie.
STEWIE
Oh captain, my captain.
DEAN PRICHARD
Sit down, Stewie!
Another student reluctantly stands on his desk.
STUDENT
Oh captain, my captain.
Several more students follow. Tiffany appears bitter.
DEAN PRICHARD
Sit down, all of you! This is your
final warning!FAMILY GUY "PETER ENVY" 44.
BRIAN’S POV - Students standing on their elevated desks.
BRIAN
Thank you boys... thank you.
FADE OUT:
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