Conditional Parental Love as a Socializing Practice: Costs and Alternatives
←
→
Page content transcription
If your browser does not render page correctly, please read the page content below
Conditional Parental Love as a
Socializing Practice:
Costs and Alternatives
Avi Assor and Guy Roth
Ben-Gurion University of the Negev, Israel
Keynote address to the Pan Hellenic conference
on School and the Family
דני:אמא אמרה לי
ילדי הוא גיבור וגדול
ילדי לא יבכה אף פעם
כפתי קטון
אינני בוכה אף פעם
אינני תינוק בכיין
הדמעות,זה רק הדמעות
זולגות מעצמן
()מרים ילן שטקליס
1Mother told me: Danny
my child is a great hero,
Danny would never cry
like a small fool.
I never never cry,
I am not a cry baby
it is only the tears, the tears
which pour by themselves.
(Miriam Yalan Shtekelis -
An Israeli poet writing for children
Conditional Provision of Parent's Love :
A socializing practice in which parents make their affection
contingent on the child's display of parentally desired behaviors in
the following way:
-When children behave according to parental expectations they
get more affection and appreciation than usual,
-whereas when children do not behave according to parental
expectations they lose affection and appreciation, perhaps even
feel ignored or rejected.
2Major points to be made in this talk:
(1) While the use of conditional love as a socializing
practice might sometimes lead children to behave
according to parental expectations, this practice
has great emotional and functional costs for
both children and parents.
Behavior fit Parents’ expectations
Conditional
Parental
Love
Emotional &Functional Harm
to Child & Parent
(2) The use of conditional parental love is not a
necessary evil, because this practice can be
substituted by alternative practices that are
even more effective in promoting behavior
according to parents’ expectations, but with
no negative emotional "side-effects".
Behavior fit Parents’ expectations
Alternative
Parental
Practices
No Emotional & Functional
Harm to Child & Parent
3Talk Structure:
(a) Explanation of the expected effects of conditional
parental love on the quality of internalization of values
and behaviors promoted by parents, and on relations
with parents - Based on self determination theory (Deci
& Ryan, 2000).
(b) Several studies documenting the negative effects of
conditional parental love.
(c) Two studies showing that there at least two more
desirable studies.
Positive Views of Parental Conditional
Regard:
From a behaviorist perspective, conditional love
represents the contingent administration of
reinforcements and punishments, which is
expected to improve discrimination between
desired and undesired behaviors and to
increase the likelihood of desired behaviors
being emitted (Gewirtz & Pelaez-Nogueras,
1991; McDowell, 1988).
4Negative Views of Parental
Conditional Regard:
Rogers (1951) proposed that parents’
conditional love undermines children’s self-
esteem and interferes with personal exploration.
Object relations theorists such as Miller (1981)
have suggested that children, when they learn
they are not loved unconditionally, behave in
ways they imagine will yield the desired love.
The satisfaction the children experience when
they successfully execute the behaviors is
fleeting because the behaviors never yield the
unconditional love the children truly desire.
The Conditional Love Research Program (Assor,
Roth, Deci & various doctoral students):
The effects of conditional parental love were hardly
examined in past research.
Therefore, we set up a program of research to
investigate those effects, and to compare conditional
love to other practices which we consider more
desirable. This research is guided, mainly, by the value
socialization and internalization conception of self
determination theory (Grolnick, Deci & Ryan, 1997).
5Table 1: Levels of Internalization and Perceived
Autonomy of Parentally Expected Behaviors
- Extrinsic: behavior controlled by the hope to gain No Interna-
material rewards & privileges, or to avoid loss of such lizatization;
rewards or privileges No
autonomy
-Introjected: behavior controlled by the desire to avoid Feeling
coerced
feeling guilty, ashamed or unworthy, and the striving for
highly positive evaluations by others & self.
-Identified: behavior is guided by an identification High
with and understanding of its value for the person. Interna-
lizatization;
High
-Integrated: Behavior is guided by its perception as autonomy
-reflecting the most central aspects of one's
Feeling
-self-chosen Identity. Free
Effects of Conditional Love on Internalization of
Parental Expectations
Conditional love is expected to lead to a highly
introjected internalization that is experienced as a
sense of internal compulsion; a feeling that one is
compelled to do things he/she does not value out of
one's desire to gain love or fear of losing it.
Conditional Introjection
Love (Internal
compulsion)
6Figure 1: The Stressful Process through which Introjection
leads to Behavior In Accordance with Parental Expectations::
Behavior
Conditional Introjection According to
Love (Internal
Parents’
Parents’
compulsion) expectations
Figure 1 shows that Conditional Love often leads to behavior according to
parentally expectations, but this outcome, which can be positive in itself, is
attained through an introjected process that is highly stressful.
So, the positive outcomes of conditional love accrue at the cost of negative
affective consequences.
That is, there is no way in which conditional love can be only positive.
Additional Effects of Conditional Love on Well
Being:
(1) Fluctuations in self-esteem - because offspring's
self esteem is highly dependent on succeeding at the
target behaviors
(2) Short-lived satisfaction after success - because
the next demand is soon exerting its pressure
(3) Guilt and shame following failure - because failure
carries with it the implication of being unworthy.
(4) Poor integration, as indicated by a low sense of
choice - because one does not do want she.he really
wants to do -
7Figure 2: Effects of Conditional Love on Family relations:
Conditional Perception of Anger
Parental parents as Toward
Love Disapproving Parents
The fact that parent's love depends on the child behaving in
specific ways is likely to lead children to feel that parents' do not
approve and love them for who they are. That is, they have to
change to warrant their parents' love. This, in turn, can lead to
feelings of anger toward parents.
Figure 3: Expected Effects of Conditional Parental Love
Perception of Child’s Perceptions, Feelings and Behavior
Parents’ Behavior
Introjected Behavior in Accordance with
Internalization Parent’s Expectations
(Internal
Compulsion)
Conditional •Guilt and Shame Following Failure
Provision of
Parental •Short-lived Satisfaction
Love •Fluctuation in Self-Esteem
•Low Sense of Choice
Perceiving Anger Toward Parent
Parent as
Disapproving
8Study 1
Participants and Procedure:
110 university students (60 female and 50 male) completed self
report scales assessing the variables of interest.
There were two type of scales:
The studt focused on four domains:
Academic achievement, sports, pro-social behavior, and
suppression of negative emotions.
In these domains, we assessed perceptions of conditional
parental love, level of internalization of domain-specific behaviors,
and domain related feelings.
Table 2: Domain Specific Measures (Academic, Sports, Pro-
Social, Emotion Suppression) – Illustrative Items:
Conditional Parental Love:
(separate scales for father and mother):
Emotion suppression: "As a child or adolescent, I often felt that my
father’s affection toward me depended on my not showing fear and/or
not crying."
Academic Achievement: "As a child or adolescent, I often felt that I
would lose much of my father’s affection if I did poorly at school."
Introjected Internalization:
Pro-Social: "Sometimes I feel that there is something inside me which, in
a way, forces or compels me to be overly sensitive to others' needs or
feelings."
Academic: "Sometimes I feel that my need to study hard controls me and
leads me to give up things I really want to do."
Integrated internalization as indicated by sense of choice:
Emotion suppression: "I feel a real sense of choice about my tendency to
suppress my anger and not show it.“
9Table 2 – Continued: Domain Specific Measures (Academic,
Sports, Pro-Social, Emotion Suppression) – Illustrative Items:
Frequency of behavioral enactment:
In these scales participants indicate how often, during the preceding
year, they had performed various behaviors from each of the four relevant
domains.
Guilt and shame after failure to enact behaviors:
Emotion Suppression: "After I disclosed my fear and anxiety to an
acquaintance I felt ashamed" and concerning the
Short-lived satisfaction following success:
Pro-social: "Often, the good feelings I experience after I act in a
considerate way toward another person are soon followed by feelings of
emptiness, dejection, or disappointment."
Table 3: General Measures – Illustrative Items:
Fluctuations in self-esteem:
"Some days I have a very good opinion of myself, other days I have a very
poor opinion of myself.”
Perceived parental disapproval:
(separate scales for father and mother):
"My father was always finding fault with me.” My mother got cross and
angry about little things I did.”
Anger toward parents:
(separate scales for father and mother):
"As a child or adolescent, I often felt very angry with my mother (father)."
10Results
Figure 4: Expected Effects of Conditional Parental Love
Perception of Child’s Perceptions, Feelings and Behavior
Parent’s Behavior
Introjected Behavior in accordance with
Internalization Parent’s expectations
(Internal (Except in Academic Domain)
Compulsion)
Conditional •Guilt and Shame Following Failure
Provision of
Parental •Short-lived Satisfaction
Love •Fluctuation in Self-Esteem
•Low Sense of Choice
Perceiving Anger Toward Parent
Parent as
Disapproving
Conclusion:
Overall, the results of Study 1 suggest that perceptions of
parents as linking their love to specific behaviors, indeed
lead many youth to behave in accordance with parental
expectations,except in the academic domain. However, the
cost for this appears to be negative well-being outcomes for
the children and poor parent-child relationships.
11The first study had a number of limitations, so we conducted a number of
studies in order to make sure that the negative effects of conditional love
could not be attributed to methodological problems.
Additional Studies of the Correlates and Effects of
Conditional Provision of Parental Love
Roth and Assor (2003): Conditional Love in the Domain of
Negative Emotion Regulation: Effects on Emotional
Functioning and Intimacy.
Limitation of study 1: Reliance on youth self reports to assess all the
variables examined. When the same person reports on all the variables, the
correlations obtained can, at times, be attributed to a general bias or trait of the
reporter.
To address this problem, Roth and Assor (2003) conducted a study in which
some of the effects of conditional love in the domain of negative emotions were
not based on self-report but on a test assessing ability to recognize
emotions in others.
Figure 5: Perceived Use of Conditional Parental Love to Promote Suppression of
Sadness/Fear – Expected Effects on Emotional Functioning and Intimacy
Parental Emotional Intimacy
practices Functioning Capacity
Poor Emotion
Recognition
Conditional Poor Ability to
Emotion Support a
Love -
Suppression
Suppression Partner
Dis-Regulation
Integrated
Regulation
12Method
284 Israeli college students (174 females and 110 males)
completed instruments assessing constructs belonging to
three domains: Parents' socializing practices, offspring
emotional functioning, and offspring's' capacity for intimacy in
close relations.
Instruments:
- Perceived Use of Conditional Parental Love to Promote
Suppression of Sadness/Fear.
- Difficulty to support an intimate partner who exposes difficulties:
“When my partner is sad and depressed I find myself, sometimes,
helpless”.
Instruments - Continued:
- Offspring Emotional Functioning:
- Styles of Emotion Regulation:
- Suppressive regulation: Continual attempts to suppress and ignore
negative emotions: “During the last year, I’ve tried to ignore my fears”.
- Dis-regulation: Being overwhelmed by negative emotions, so that one is not
able to function in an effective, task-oriented, way: “Usually, a feeling of
sadness paralyzes me”.
- Integrated regulation: An attempt to understand the origin of specific
negative emotions, and to cope with those emotions in ways that promote
one's self-chosen goals: “I examine my fears in order to understand their
sources and to consider ways of coping ”.
- Poor ability to recognize emotions in others:
Two sub-tests from Mayer Caruso & Salovey (2000) Emotional
Intelligence measure:
- Identifying emotions in photographs;
- Identifying emotions in stories.
13Figure 6: Illustrative Items from the Emotion Recognition
Test
Figure 7: Perceived Use of Conditional Parental Love to Promote Suppression of
Sadness/Fear – Effects on Emotional Functioning and Intimacy of Daughters
Parental Emotional Intimacy
practices Functioning Capacity
Poor Emotion
Recognition
Conditional Poor Ability to
Emotion Support a
Love -
Suppression
Suppression Partner
Dis-Regulation
Integrated
Regulation
14Figure 8: Perceived Use of Conditional Parental Love to Promote Suppression of
Sadness/Fear – Effects on Emotional Functioning and Intimacy of Sons
Parental Emotional Intimacy
practices Functioning Capacity
Poor Emotion
Recognition
Conditional Poor Ability to
Emotion Support a
Love -
Suppression
Suppression Partner
Dis-Regulation
Integrated
Regulation
Conclusion
The results suggest that perception of parents as using
conditional regard to promote suppression of negative feelings
has rather negative emotional and inter-personal consequences
for children.
Most important, our findings indicate that perceptions of
conditional love have negative effects on offspring also when
indicators of emotion functioning are not based on the same
type of self report that is used to assess perceived
conditional love.
15Three problems not addressed by the two studies
reported so far:
(1) Because conditional parental love was assessed via offspring self
reports, we cannot be sure that parents who were described as using
conditional love actually did so.
(2) Since the reports were retrospective, we cannot be sure that the
participants' descriptions of their feelings as children are accurate. There
is a possibility of re-construction of the past according to the present.
(3) No distinction between negative and positive conditional love. The
most controversial and innovative aspect of our approach is the argument
that positive conditional love is harmful. That is, the idea that verbal
praise and conditional provision of attention might be almost as
problematic as love withdrawal. However, this claim was not examined in
the two studies we have reported.
Study 3 addressed those 3 problems.
Roth, Efratie and Assor (2005): Conditional Parental Love as
a Predictor of Kindergarten Children's Ability to Recognize
and Experience Sadness and to Help Others.
Participants were 98 kindergarten children and their parents.
Hypotheses:
Positive and negative conditional use of parental love to promote suppression
of sadness would be negatively associated with the following outcomes in
children:
(1) capacity to recognize sadness in other children,
(2) capacity to experience sadness themselves sometimes,
(3) inclination to respond empathically and offer help to another child
who feels sad.
16The measure of positive and negative conditional use of parental love as
a means for promoting suppression of sadness and crying in children:
This measure was completed (independently) by mothers and fathers.
Illustrative items:
Positive conditional love: "when my child suppresses his sadness and
does not cry I show him more affection than I usually do“
Negative Conditional Love: "When my child feels sad and cries I ignore
her/him for a while".
The Measure of kindergarten Children's disposition to recognize and
experience sadness and to Help Others.
A semi-structured interview was conducted individually with each child.
- At the beginning of the interview, the child was presented with a picture of a
child of her/his age and gender expressing a sad feeling (Recognition).
- Then, the child was asked about the feelings that the child in the picture is
experiencing (Experience).
- Then, the interviewee was asked whether she or he sometimes feels sad, and
her/his feelings and behavior when he/she sees that another child is sad
(Empathy & Helping).
A picture used in the emotion interview:
17A picture used in the emotion interview:
Table 4: Correlations Between Conditional Parental
Love and Children’s Emotional & Pro-Social Capacities
Conditional Recognize Experience Empathy
Love Sadness Sadness & Help
Negative
Mother -.16* -.16*
.16* -.15*
Father -.15* -.05 -.17*
Positive
Mother -.24** -.20** -.24**
Father -.28** -.18* -.26**
*PResults clearly supported our hypotheses. Interestingly, we even
found that positive parental conditional love had stronger negative
correlations with our three measures of children's emotional and pro-
social functioning. It appears then, that at least in the domain of
emotion suppression, both positive and negative conditional love are
harmful, and the results we have obtained in that domain in our first
studies cannot be attributed to problems of measurement.
Still more limitations…
It is still possible to claim that the negative effects of conditional love
are specific to the domain of emotion suppression. The suppression
of feelings of sadness and fear might be un-adaptive from an
attachment point of view, and therefore any socialization method that
attempts to promote it would have negative consequences.
The next two studies address this potential problem.
Tal and Assor (2005): Conditional Parental Love in the
Academic Domain as a Determinant of Fear of Failure
and Avoidance of Challenges.
High school students (16 year olds) completed questionnaires
assessing conditional parental love in the academic domain.
Then, they completed a measure of fear of failure, worked on a few,
fairly difficult, decision making problems, and then indicated how
they felt while doing the problems.
Finally, they completed a measure of positive (approach) versus
negative (avoidant) response to academic challenge, in which they
indicated to what extent they would like to work in the next session
on difficult problems which are similar to the problems they have
coped with.
19Results:
Perceived maternal and paternal use of conditional love to promote
academic achievement predicted avoidance of difficult problems,
fear of failure and negative feelings during the task.
This occurred despite the fact that conditional parental love in the
academic domain was not related to poor performance.
So, the view of conditional love as harmful was supported in a
study that is not retrospective and used a child outcome that is not
based on self report (actual avoidance of challenges).
The next study to be reported is interesting because it shows inter-
genrerational transmission of conditional Love.
Assor, Roth and Deci (2004, First study):
Intergenerational Transmission of Conditional Love
This study showed that mothers who perceived their parents as providing
conditional love in order to promote achievement were themselves perceived
by their daughters to use the same socializing approach.
Grandparents’
Grandparents’ Use Mother’
Mother’s Use
Conditional Love Conditional Love
The finding that, if grandparents attempted to promote academic
achievement with conditional love, the mothers tended, in turn, to do
the same thing with their daughters is particularly striking because it
appears that the mothers used the strategy of conditional love with their
own children in spite of the strategy having had negative effects on
them.
20Summary of Major Negative Correlates and Effects
of Conditional Parental Love
Perceived parental conditional love is often related to
behavior in accordance with parental expectations.
However, it is almost always also associated with negative
consequences such as:Feelings of internal compulsion,
shame after failure, low self-esteem, poor coping skills, a
sense of being disapproved of by parents, anger toward
parents, fear of failure, avoidance of academic challenges,
lack of empathy and poor capacity to recognize and
experience negative emotions.
Further, it seems that these negative consequences may be
passed from generation to generation.
Studies Demonstrating the Superiority of Autonomy
Supportive Practices over Conditional love as Socializing
Practices
It can be argued that while conditional love may have emotional costs,
more autonomy supportive practices are not as effective in promoting
parentally desired behaviors.
We do not accept this claim and posit that autonomy supportive parental
practices can be more effective than conditional love in promoting
behavior in accordance with parents’ expectations, but with less
emotional costs
21Autonomy-supportive practices involve parental actions aimed
at helping children to understand and feel the value of the behaviors
which parents' would like to promote.
Because children understand the value of parental expectations and
identify with them, they feel less irritated and more satisfied while
engaging in behaviors promoted by autonomy supportive means.
In this talk we focus on the following autonomy-supportive practices:
a. Providing a rationale for parents' expectations.
b. Intrinsic value demonstration
(i.e., parents demonstrate the contribution of the expected
behavior to their own well-being).
Both practices help children understand the value of behaviors expected
by parents. The first, by providing direct explanations of ways in which
those behaviors promote personally important goals and values; the
second by demonstrating the value of the expected behaviors as sources
of satisfaction.
Two studies would now demonstrate the superiority of autonomy
supportive practices
Assor and Friedman (in Assor, Cohen-Melayav, Kaplan and
Friedman, in press): The Relations between Socializing
Practices and Internalization of Religious Practices
Hypotheses:
(1) Offspring's perception of their parents' love as dependent on their
enactment of religious practices is associated with an introjected
internalization of those religious practices.
(2) Offspring's perceptions of their parents as providing rationale for the
observance of religious practices and as demonstrating the intrinsic value
of those practices, is associated with introjected internalization of
religious practices.
22Method:
249 students in grades 9 – 11 in four Jewish-orthodox Jewish religious
schools in Israel. Students completed a self-report questionnaire
assessing the variables of interest.
Perceived use of conditional parental love as a religious socializing
strategy: "I feel that father/mother would give me more affection if I pray
everyday in the synagogue".
Perception of the parent as providing a rationale: "My father/mother
explains what is the source of the commands that are hard to keep".
Perception of the parent as demonstrating the intrinsic value of the
observance of religious practices: "My father/mother enjoys studying
the Torah" or "My father/mother prays very seriously.
Inrojected regulation:
"I keep the Sabbath so that I would not feel guilty"
Identified regulation:
"When I say grace after meals, I do so because I understand the
importance of this practice"
The above two scales are based on Ryan et al.'s (1993) Christian
Religious Internalization Scale (CRIS), but were adapted to the Jewish
religion.
23Table 5: Correlations Between Conditional Parental Love and Religious
Internalization
Conditional Introjection Identified
Love
Mother
Rationale .04 .36**
Intrinsic Value Demonstration -.02 .32**
Conditional Love .22** .02
Mother
Rationale .02 .29**
Intrinsic Value Demonstration -.04 .25**
Conditional Love .15** -.05
*PRoth, Mendelson and Assor (2005): The Relations
between Socializing Practices, Internalization, and
Empathic Concern
Israeli college students completed a questionnaire assessing the
variables listed below.
1. Conditional Parental Love in the Pro-social Domain: Perception
of parents as using conditional love to promote pro-social behavior.
2. Intrinsic Value Demonstration: The perception of parents as
demonstrating the intrinsic value of the pro-social behaviors.
3. Introjected internalization of the pro-social behaviors.
4. Identified/integrated internalization of pro-social behaviors (Sense of
choice with regard to those behaviors).
5. Empathic Concern for other people (Davis, 1979 scale): " when I
see that someone is exploited, I feel a need to protect him".
Results indicated that, as expected, conditional love was
associated with introjected internalization of pro-social behaviors,
whereas intrinsic value demonstration was related to
identified/integrated internalization.
Most important, while intrinsic value demonstration was
positively and significantly related to the behavioral disposition
of empathic concern, conditional love tended to be negatively
related to empathic concern.
It appears then, that at least in the pro-social domain there is one
autonomy supportive practice – intrinsic value demonstration – that is
clearly superior to conditional love in terms of both the behavioral
disposition associated with it and the level of internalization it leads to.
25General Conclusion
Overall, it the findings from the various studies support the following
conclusions:
(1) While the use of conditional love as a socializing practice might
sometimes lead to the enactment of parentally expected behaviors, this
practice has great psychological costs for both children and parents.
(2) The practice of conditional parental love can be substituted by practices
that are even more effective in promoting internalization and enactment
of parentally expected behaviors, but with no negative emotional "side-
effects". These practices are called autonomy supportive, and include:
a. Providing a rationale for parents' expectations.
b. Intrinsic value demonstration (i.e., providing a convincing example).
Other research suggest two additional automy supportive practices:
c. Allowing children to express doubts and negative feelings regarding
parental expectations
d. Allowing children some choice regarding ways of defining and expressing
the parental values they adopt.
Advocates of the use of conditional regard as a socializing
strategy might argue that the process of introjection is simply a
step toward integration.
The results of the present studies provide no support for that
position.
Specifically, participants in several studies were university
students who displayed the negative correlates of introjection
several years after the parental conditional love experiences they
were recalling from their years as children and adolescents.
This was most dramatic in the inter-generational study, which
suggested that the negative effects of conditional love persisted
into middle adulthood.
26In summary,
the results suggest that although the use of conditional
love may be an effortless and relatively convenient
socialization approach, the negative psychological and
relational consequences associated with it argue for the
use of a more autonomy-supportive approach.
Mother told me: Danny
my child is a great hero,
Danny would never cry
like a small fool.
I never never cry,
I am not a cry baby
it is only the tears, the tears
which pour by themselves.
(Miriam Yalan Shtekelis -
An Israeli poet writing for children
27You can also read
