Chloe Star is Born Three Stories, Our Little Miracle
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Fall 2011
Chloe Star
is Born
Three Stories,
One Happy Ending
Our Little
Miracle
A Wonderful
Story on Fate
and Bonding
Mark Your
Calendars
Holiday Parties p.2
Kid’s Art Contest p.2
Support Groups p.16
www.adoptionhelp.org
From the Editor The articles in this issue of Open Adoption are warm and inspiring, helping us welcome another holiday season. We celebrate IAC’s newest families on page one and announce holiday party dates and new staff on page two. The holiday season at IAC also includes our annual holiday break and Adoption Awareness Month and that is detailed on page two and 16 respectively. On page three an adoptive mother writes a letter to her son, Jared, recounting the events that formed their family. On page four, we introduce Gia, and the series of events that brought her adoptive mothers and her birthmother together. Both stories reveal tiny details that lead to miraculous outcomes, and how fate plays a role in open adoption. Our feature article is a birth story told from three perspectives. It’s not often that all sides of a story are told, but on page seven, the birth of Chloe Star is recounted by her adoptive mother, her birthmother, and her birthfather. Respect, admiration, and friendship are common themes in all three stories, proving the strength of their open relationship and the immense amount of love that brought Chloe into the world. In our Staff Profile, you will meet Lauren Favorite, our Adoptive Parent Intake Coordinator in Atlanta, Georgia. Aside from welcoming perspective adoptive parents to the IAC, she has quite a few interesting hobbies. Learn about these hobbies and more on page 13. On page 14, hear from resident expert Kathleen Silber as she addresses a unique situation your child may encounter in school. As always, the final pages contain up-to-date birthparent statistics and upcoming support group dates. Happy Holidays! Ann Wrixon Executive Director
contents
THirtheen
Fall 2011
Ann Wrixon, MSW, MBA
Executive Director
three
Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW
Associate Executive Director
Ann Wrixon EDITOR
Erin Grimm CREATIVE DIRECTOR
EDITORIAL STAFF
IAC NEWS & EVENTS
Kathleen Silber The IAC’s Newest Families p.1
Erin Grimm
Holiday Card Design Contest p.2
OPEN ADOPTION NEWS Fall 2011
{Vol.28, No.4 } 800-877-OPEN (6736) IAC Holiday Party Dates p.2 seven
OPEN ADOPTION NEWS is a publication of
the Independent Adoption Center, a New Staff Introductions p.2
professional, licensed, nonprofit agency.
Founded in 1982, the IAC is the largest Social Media Spotlight: Guest Blogging p.2
and one of the oldest fully open adoption
agencies in the United States.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. OUR STORY
Any use of materials, including
reproduction, modification, distribution To Jared, Love, Your Forever Family p.3
or republication, without prior written Johanna Connell
consent of the Independent Adoption Center,
is prohibited. Copyright 2011. Our Little Miracle p.4
San Francisco, CA Office Maura Montellano
391 Taylor Blvd., Suite 100
Pleasant HIll ,CA 94523
T 925.827.2229 FEATURE {Page 7}
Los Angeles, CA Office
5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 1450 Chloe Star is Born
Los Angeles, CA 90045 Dahlia Bagnis, Brittney Warner, & Joel Smith
T 310.215.3180
Indianapolis, IN Office
5162 E Stop 11 Road, Suite 1 STAFF PROFILE
Indianapolis, IN 46237
T 317.887.2015 Our Very Own Food Loving Photographer p.13
Interview with Lauren Favorite, Adoptive Parent Intake Coordinator
Atlanta, GA Office
2060 East Exchange Place, Suite 308
Tucker, GA 30084
T 404.321.6900 ADVICE
Raleigh, NC Office Ask Kathleen, the IAC’s Resident Expert p.14
184 Raven Ridge Road, Suite 109
Kathleen Silber, MSW, ACSW
Raleigh, NC 27614
T 919.676.6288
Pearland, TX Office ANNOUNCEMENTS
11601 Shadow Creek Pkwy, Suite 111-221
Pearland, TX 77584 Birthparent Statistics & Adoption Keepsakes p.15
T 855.205.9827
Adoptive Parent Support Groups p.16
Front Cover: Maura Montellano & Katherine Wetherbee with their daughter Gia
Back Cover: George & Larissa Pantelidis with their son Gavin
Learn more about IAC at
www.adoptionhelp.org
www.iheartadoption.org
NEWEST FAMILIES
NewestFamilies
Aerin Moore & Alexis Lavine,
daughter Kaia
Anne O’Driscoll,
son Alexander
Trent & Jackie Pierce,
Anita Akins & Rebecca Woodruff, Antje Eichinger,
son Joseph
son Jackson son Joshua
Scott & Jan Riggan,
Steve & Jennifer Allision, Jeff Goodwin & Russell Knight,
daughter Katherine
daughter Avalyn sons Aaron & Jordan
Lorenzo Scott & Patrick Wright,
Maureen Beasley & Patricia Dunne, Shea Harper & Debra Kremins-Harper,
son Braxton
daughter Ailish son Gavin
Clayton & Nichelle Stevens,
John Barbee & Chris deWolff, Robin & Tim Harris,
daughter Zoey
daughter Sophia son Jeffery
Rachel Strohman & Jill Barr,
Edward & Laura DeLaCruz, Martin Herbst & Andjana Pachkova,
son Jacob Strohman
daughter Shayne sons Michael & Alexander
Pamela & Monique Villano,
Tom Lawrence & Janet Partridge,
daughter Bella
daughter Emily
Eric & Michelle Wasgatt,
Clayton Lord & Seth Miller,
daughter Serenity
daughter Cora
Timothy & Angela Lorenzen,
daughter Zaria
Scott & Melissa McGinness,
son Ian
Mark & Jenna
Hales, son Kai
Nick Helfrich & Katherine Batts,
daughter Odessa
Ben & Stephanie Hobbs,
daughter Annabelle
Dale White &
Manuel Mendiola, Curtis & Karen Hamilton,
son Kyan daughter Amelia
David & Jessica Wu, Tony & Emily Frazier,
Kevin & Heather daughter Ava daughter Penelope
Maura Montellano & Ward, son William
Katherine Wetherbee, Jonathan DeLima & Jimmy Dana & Howard
daughter Gia Nguyen, daughter Jayden Ginsburg,
son Aiden
Erik Eeda-Toro
& Glen Smith,
son Brendan
Thom Finn &
Beth Manning,
daughter Ellery
Maria Grossenbacher & Jessica & Brad Hanson, Bridget & Eric Brian & Gabrielle Story,
Liz Stilwell, daughter Madelyn daughter Kennedy Hansard, son Miles daughter Amelia
1
IAC NEWS & EVENTS
Holiday Open to MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR THIS YEAR’S
party
Card children of IAC HOLIDAY PARTY
all of ages. This is an annual event that allows IAC families to spend time
Design
ti m e
together and share the bond of open adoption. The parties
Contest Each contestant may submit are kid friendly with toys, activities and goodies. As always,
up to three pieces of artwork. birthparents are invited to attend. Invitations will be sent via
The theme of the artwork should be winter,
email and regular mail. Details on these events will be posted on
holidays, love and/or family. The winning artwork
our Facebook page and the adoptive parent forums.
will be featured on the front of the IAC’s 2011
Holiday Card. The winner also will receive:
A framed certificate • Pleasant Hill los angeles san diego georgia
Recognition in Open Adoption, Winter 2012 •
A check for $50.00 • @ the office @ the office @ private home @ the office
SUBMISSION DEADLINE: November 14, 2011 12/04 /11 12/10/11 12/13/11 12/06/11
SEND BY MAIL TO: PLEASANT HILL OFFICE 1-3PM 10-2PM 6:30PM 7-8:30PM
IAC News flash
Online web conference Birthparent outreach
support groups IAC HOLIDAY BREAK IAC’s Marketing Department is phasing in part-
(See page 16 for dates and times.) ANNOUNCEMENT time birthparent outreach associates to increase
The IAC offices will be closed from Thursday, awareness on open adoption in the community.
These groups are intended for clients who
December 22 @ 2pm through Monday, In coming months our outreach associates
live more than one hour from an in-person
January 2. We will re-open at 9am on will carry out in-person visits to health centers,
group. However, please RSVP and let Lane know
January 3. During this time period, staff will hospitals, planned parenthoods, shelters, etc,
if you have logistical problems and can only
be available if you receive a birthparent in order to develop relationships with staff
attend an online group in any month or if you’d
contact, your birthparent goes into labor, members and provide brochures and information
like to attend a group in a different time zone.
or is having emotional difficulties. on IAC. We expect birthparent intakes to
Webcam required. increase in the coming year as we continue to
Each group limited to 10 families. Contact strengthen these efforts. Stay tuned on our
lmashal@adoptionhelp.org if you plan to attend Jade Hesson, Administrative Assistant blog as we introduce our outreach associates
so that you can receive proper instructions. Jade is the newest addition to our Raleigh Social Media Spotlight:
New iac staff member office. She is responsible for all administrative
introductions tasks and making sure all prospective clients Be a Guest Blogger
are given the necessary information and Blogging is a fun, interactive way to talk about
Amalia Gratteri, Marketing Associate
paperwork. We are lucky to have her. your adoption. We are looking for both current
Since starting in August, Amalia has already
clients and alumni to write for our adoption blog.
made significant contributions to IAC’s Tina West, MSW, Open Adoption Counselor
As a current client, blogging can help you process
marketing efforts. She developed an engaging Tina originally worked for IAC as an intern
and share your emotions with a supportive
social media campaign for both adoptive parents while completing her MSW, and is now a
audience who can relate to you. As an alumni,
and birthparents that the IAC implemented member of our counseling staff in Pleasant
you can write about the joys and challenges of
across Facebook, Twitter and our blogs. She Hill. She is also helping with Birthparent
parenting, share your insight on openness, and
has also helped kickstart birthparent outreach Outreach. Tina is a wonderful addition to our
reflect back on the adoption process. If you
efforts that will carry into the new year. counseling staff and we are thrilled that she
are interested in writing, or think you might be
has chosen to work for the IAC full-time.
Crystal Houchens, MSW, interested but don’t know where to start, contact
Open Adoption Counselor Tomasa Dueñas, Open Adoption Counselor our Creative Director of Marketing at egrimm@
Crystal works with both adoptive parents Tomasa has joined the IAC in Pleasant Hill adoptionhelp.org. She will help you get started —
and birthparents as Indiana’s Open Adoption as an Open Adoption Counselor. Aside from she’ll even help you think of ideas to write about!
Counselor. She received her MSW from Indiana her counseling skills, we also admire the
We are also looking for guest bloggers
University and believes adoptions are beautiful. fact that she is bilingual. As a result, she will
to feature on the I Heart Adoption blog as
Crystal is doing well in her new role and we handle all intakes and cases in Pleasant Hill
well, so if you know a birthmother who
are proud to have her on our counseling staff. involving Spanish speaking birthmothers.
might be interested in writing, please have
her contact egrimm@adoptionhelp.org.
How do you involve the What childhood experiences What is most vital to keeping EVERY THURSDAY:
Check out Facebook for birthmom even when and/or traditions do you a close relationship with your 101 Ways to
answers to these Q’s she can’t be around? pass on to your child? extended family? Keep In Touch
2
our story
Jared and big sister harder to explain to an excited little girl, and that she practiced by reading to her dolls
Jacquline that it just didn’t work out. and rocking them to sleep. She knew that
Jacquline would be wonderful to you, just like
After a year waiting for you, I eagerly
her brother was wonderful to her. The fact
signed up for the IAC’s Last Minute
that I was a single mom didn’t worry her.
Hospital List. Shortly after, on May 7th,
2010, our world changed. The day started When I arrived at the hospital to meet A*, I
out like a typical Friday, with lots of errands was really nervous. I didn’t know what to
to run, playtime at the park with Jacquline, expect since I didn’t have opportunity to
followed by a late lunch. Then, on the way meet your sister’s birthmother in person.
home from lunch, I received a call from I was also nervous hoping you were the
my Open Adoption Counselor, Sarah, baby destined to be my son.
regarding a last minute placement she
A* and I spent the weekend getting to
was handling. After getting the details
know each other and taking care of you,
and agreeing to pursue the situation, I
whom she originally named Michael. She
immediately started making phone calls
told me I could change your name, but
and arrangements. I was shaking while
asked me to consider Michael as a middle
name. Since both your sister and I have
names starting with “J,” I wanted to
To Jared, Love,
continue the tradition by naming you Jared.
By the end of the naming game, together
A* and I had blessed you with 3 strong
Your Forever Family names: Jared Matthew Michael.
Though I feared A* might change her
mind, she always appeared at peace with
By Johanna Connell her decision. We agreed to meet several
I drove home to pick up a few items and times a year, and for me to send pictures
After adopting your sister Jacquline
drop Jacquline off at Grandma’s house. monthly. When A* was discharged from
through the IAC in 2006, I decided that we
the hospital, I drove her home before
needed another family member to make Meanwhile, your incredible birthmother, A*,
heading to Grandma’s house to introduce
our family complete. As the pesky younger had arrived at the hospital in the middle
you to your family. Big sister Jacquline was
sister in my family, I wanted you and your of the night, in labor, and already firm in
grinning from ear to ear and couldn’t wait
sister to experience the sibling relationship her decision. While she was pregnant, she
to hold you!
that I shared with your uncle. Just before decided she wanted more for you than she
Jacquline was three years old, I started was able to provide. In the months following your birth, A* and
the paperwork to adopt again. It took I talked on the phone nearly once a month.
longer than expected, but I was finally “in She didn’t call the IAC right Contact has dropped off a bit recently,
the books” in December 2009. This time away, but had met another due to changes in her life, but I still send
I was more relaxed during the wait and birthmother who had placed her pictures of you so that she knows you
much more active in networking. I had the through the IAC, and learned are happy and healthy. Because of our
support of family and friends, but I was also relationship early on, I can confidently tell
that she could make decisions
cautioned that the wait could be longer you, Jared, that your birthmother loves you,
regarding your future. and that she made a selfless decision to
because I was a single parent that already
had a child. As it turned out, I had several She wanted to pick the right family for you bring you into our lives.
contacts with potential birthmothers early and to be able to have contact with you
In May 2011, just after your first birthday
on, all of whom mentioned that a sibling to see how wonderfully you grew up. She
we went to court to finalize your adoption.
relationship was important to them. also wanted a Christian family so you would
During the proceedings the Judge asked
know God. A* kept the IAC business card in
The biggest challenge for me was Jacquline if it would be okay for you to be
her wallet for months, and when she got to
controlling my excitements and her brother forever. Normally shy, Jacquline
the hospital, she informed the staff to call
disappointments in front of your sister. She surprised everyone by eagerly answering,
the IAC. After the IAC received the call, our
frequently asked when her “BrotherSister” “Yes!” Before you came along, she wanted a
counselor, Sarah took a package of letters
— her description for you before you were sister, but now admits that you are a lot of
to the hospital for A* to look at. This is how
born — would arrive, but I had no answer. fun. Our “Forever” Family is complete!
she found your sister and I.
Each time a potential match fell through, *The name of the birthmother has been shortened
it was hard not to be excited, and even In my letter to her, I wrote about Jacquline, to her first initial for confidentiality.
and how excited she was to have a sibling,
3
our story
The Journey Begins
Although Katherine and I had tried to
have a baby, the emphasis for us was
never that we had to have a biological
child. We wanted to be parents and made
the decision to adopt as naturally as we
had in making the decision to have a
baby. We knew little about open adoption,
but we both held typical preconceived
ideas about the process, including the
fear of many adoptive parents that the
birthmother could show up at our front
door one day demanding to see her child
or worse, wanting her baby back. After
researching agencies online, we attended
the two-day intensive workshop at IAC
in May 2008. The amount of information
was overwhelming and the process
daunting, but two days later our minds
and hearts were made up! The idea of
open adoption, the honesty and sharing
and what it meant to all involved was a
powerful testimony.
We immediately tackled the birthmother
letter, at times chafing at the constant
editing requests. It’s surprising how
difficult it is to summarize your life into
sound bites, or how challenging it is to
write about yourself. On our website, we
did our best to highlight all the things we
felt a birthmother would be looking for,
and hoped that our passion and all the
love we had to give this baby would come
through in our photos and our words. We
dreaded the home study but ended up
enjoying the process and were approved
soon after. After a voluntary hold for a few
months, we were in the books in March
2009, proud of ourselves and predicting
that in short order we’d be picked. We
smile now at our confidence then.
Our first contact came in late August, and
Our Little Miracle was followed by at least a dozen more
contacts over the next seven months.
Some conversations ended with one
call, others ended after many weeks of
emails. Our hopes were always high and
“My water broke!” We had been waiting six months to our excitement palpable. Disappointment
was inevitably part of the process, and we
hear this from our birthmother, Ashleigh. It was just after 3pm grieved and comforted one another after
on Dec. 16, 2010, three days before her due date. “Oh my God, two heartbreaking matches that didn’t
work out.
we’re on our way,” I said in the calmest voice I could muster,
By March 2010, Katherine and I had an
feeling myself choke up. Moments earlier, she had made the honest discussion about how long we
same call to my partner, Katherine, who had blurted out an could continue this journey. Emotionally
expletive and added, “Here we go!” weary, our confidence dimmed and
thinking that perhaps it was not in
the cards for us, we made the painful
By Maura Montellano
4
our story
decision to set a deadline. The date we read this email and I hope both of you and the experiences she gone through.
set was July 24, my birthday. I’m not sure have a great rest of the week. – Ash :) Katherine and I looked at one another
why but it seemed as good a date as any. in astonishment, amazed that she
As the weeks passed without a single could retell her story without a hint of
I read Ashleigh’s email at a red light
contact, neither of us spoke of the looming shame or fear of judgment. We liked her
and screamed like a mad woman. I
date, but we both prayed. On June 20, out immediately!
pulled over, my hands already shaking,
of the blue, Katherine said, “Someone’s
and forwarded the email to Katherine, She said she had a young son, four and
going to contact us soon. I feel it.” On
followed by numerous exclamation half years old, who was her life and bliss.
Tuesday, June 22, someone did:
points. I quickly responded to Ashleigh We learned that she was a recovering
and so began our amazing journey with addict, nearly three years sober by
this incredible young woman. then. She was proud of herself and her
Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2010 12:18:21
ability to straighten out her life in spite
Subject: Hello Katherine & Maura We talked on the phone later that
of incredible odds. However, she was
To: msmaura@xxx.com night and found Ashleigh to be
realistic about the commitment required
From: ashleigh@xxx.com refreshingly honest and surprisingly
to parent and she knew she could not
Hi, My name is Ashleigh. I am about to uninhibited in telling us about her life
care for another child at this stage in her
be 20 years old and I live in Los Angeles.
life. The birthfather was no longer in the
I am about 3 1\2 months pregnant and Here she comes! picture, but they both knew they were
due december 19th. Im looking for
not prepared to be parents.
a great couple to parent the baby im
carring. 2 things id like to know before We met just five days later, hoping the
we exchange basic info is if your ok with ease of our phone conversations would
matching up with a BM early in her translate in face-to-face conversation.
pregnancy and if your talking to other We smile as we recall our fears: Would
BMs. Thank you for taking the time to she like us? Would she think we were
too old? Were we dressed right? The
moment she came into the restaurant
With Ashleigh at our baby shower
and we hugged for the first time, we
knew she was the one. Hours later, as
we said goodbye, she said, “I’ll call IAC
on Monday and let them know I want to
match.” Katherine and I hugged her long
and tight.
On my birthday, at what would be one
of many doctor’s appointments with
Ashleigh, Katherine and I sat transfixed
by 3D images on large screens before us.
Happy as can be, Ashleigh lay quietly in the
moments after dimly lit room as the technician
Gia’s birth navigated the transducer
across her growing belly and
confirmed she was having a girl.
We grabbed one another’s hands
and openly cried as we tried to
make out our daughter’s body,
her face, her hands.
Ashleigh later told us that she was
touched by our display of emotion. She
knew then that she had picked the right
couple because, “you don’t even know
her and I can see how much you love
her already.” She added that though she
loved this baby, she wanted to feel that joy
surge through her the next time she was
carrying a child because she would know
it was the right time for her to parent.
5
our story
In November, Ashleigh attended We stared in amazement as Gia On July 8, 2011, 3 years, a month and 2
weeks after beginning our journey, we
our baby shower hosted by our Belén Montellano Wetherbee
stood before a judge who declared Gia
many friends. She marveled entered the world at 1:36 p.m. our daughter forever. The excitement
at the multitude of family on Dec. 17, 2010. Katherine shared by our family and friends on Gia’s
Forever Day party the next day doubled
and friends and the love and tearfully cut the umbilical cord
our joy. As we have since Gia’s birth, we
excitement they expressed for us. as I snapped photos through shared our news with Ashleigh, who
She cried as we shared a brief story puddled eyes. immediately commented on Facebook,
about her, how we came to cross paths “It seems like it was just yesterday I had
In the six months we’d spent with
and our deep appreciation of her. She emailed you guys... I couldn’t imagine
Ashleigh, she had cried once. Now, as
shared that she was happy to know her Gia with anyone else... I’m so damn lucky
she saw Katherine and I holding our
baby would be surrounded by people God was on my side and put you both in
daughter, crying out that she was perfect,
who loved her. my path. I don’t think I’d feel so complete
she wept again. Our hearts sank and
if it wasn’t for both of you! Thank you
Birth day our thoughts turned to her. As long
guys!! And I’ll love you forever for this!”
The drive to the hospital in December as we had known her, Ashleigh never
was one of excited anticipation, holding wavered in her choice to place, so we can Although she has made the choice to not
hands and lots of “oh my gosh, it’s really honestly say we knew it wasn’t her having meet Gia until she asks to meet her, we
happening!” For months we’d talked a change of heart. Later, we visited her have shared, on a weekly basis, updates
about this day when we would be parents room and she told us, “They were tears of and photos. She cherishes the photos and
and now that it was here, we were two happiness at seeing the picture I had in proudly shows them off, boasting of our
giddy girls, nervous and anxious. We my mind all this time come to life before happiness, Gia’s beauty and above all, her
arrived at the hospital, thankful that my eyes.” We were profoundly moved by own peace with her decision to place.
pre-holiday traffic was light. Ashleigh her sentiment and courage.
She looks forward to meeting Gia one day
appeared a bit fatigued, but otherwise finally home and introducing her to her half-brother.
was not exhibiting any pain. We were We brought Gia home on Christmas Eve, Until then, we will share with our daughter
grateful her mother was there with her. after a week-long hospital stay, thrilled the story of her courageous birthmother,
We settled in, not realizing then the long that we’d be waking up on Christmas Day her loving choice, and the incredible story
wait ahead. with our little miracle. The change to our of our journey to be her parents.
At four the next morning, after spending household was immediate as we began to
an uncomfortable night sharing a tiny alter our routine and adjust to Gia’s. We
cot, and with Ashleigh still nowhere near didn’t know this kind of sleep deprivation
delivering, Katherine and I got a room existed! Slowly, though, we settled into
at a hotel across the street to get some a routine and actually started sleeping
rest, shower and return fresh-faced. At again. With the exception of a nasty CREATE A
bout of colic that inspired a car ride for
about 10:30 a.m. Ashleigh texted us that
she was 8 cm dilated! We rushed to her relief (it didn’t work!), Gia surprised not KEEPSAKE by
side, held her hands and tried to comfort only us, but our friends, when she began
sleeping through the night at five weeks.
sharing your
her, giving her a heads up when the next
contraction was coming, according to
Nine months have passed and Gia
adoption story.
the monitor. Though the pain must have
been intense, she was not screaming or changes with each day, it seems. We are always
accepting stories
writhing in agony as we had witnessed We feel privileged to witness this
on shows like 16 & Pregnant and Birth to publish in Open
Day. We all chuckle at that memory today.
little girl’s growth, from tiny Adoption Magazine,
bundle who made us nervous to on our website, or on
As we put on the hospital suits and hair
caps, we joked and laughed at how silly bathe her, to a boisterous crawler our blog. If you are
we looked in our Haz-Mat suits. Our now pulling herself up to stand interested in any of
friend Rita was there recording those and preparing to walk. these opportunities,
moments as we prepared to follow please contact
Ashleigh into the delivery room. Now it She is an energetic, curious little girl
with a stunning smile now showcasing
Erin – egrimm@
seemed to be happening so fast. Nervous
four teeth and a squeal that erupts when adoptionhelp.org
energy filled the room as nurses prepped
Ashleigh and the doctor was summoned. she sees her mothers. She is everything
While I held Ashleigh’s head and we wished for and more. As a budding
shoulders and Katherine held one leg, we photographer, she has become my newest,
kept count with the doctor and nurses as most inspiring muse, and I never tire of
we all urged her to push. capturing her delightful moods.
6
FEATURE
seemed daunting. The more and more I read, the
more I felt certain that open adoption was the right
fit for our family. We wanted our child to have as
much information as possible about his or her birth
family and, if possible, the opportunity to maintain
a relationship with them. As much as we wanted
our child to have this gift, we were also ambivalent
to welcome strangers into our lives this way. Who
would our child’s birthparents be and would they
be a good fit for our family?
We signed with the IAC in March 2010 and
feverishly worked to complete our homestudy
and “Dear Birthmother” letter. It was an arduous
task, but quite fun at times, and we finally felt the
control that infertility had taken from us come
back into our lives. We were so positive about our
decision to adopt and believed so firmly that we
were meant to be parents that we expected to get
the call as soon as our letter went “live.” By the
end of May 2010, our homestudy and letter were
approved and we at last joined the ranks of about
200 other waiting IAC families! And then… crickets.
Days, weeks, and months went by without so much
Chloe Star
as a scam. I tested our email account and 800
number frequently just to make sure they were
actually working and tracked the number of hits to
our iheart page. How could it be that not a single
birthmother had contacted us? We had tried to
is born
represent ourselves in the most honest way possible
through our Dear Birthmother letter and I began to
feel rejected, like we just weren’t good enough.
Our wait to be contacted by a birthmother brought
every negative thought and painful emotion
bubbling over. I looked on as friend after friend
got pregnant, some with their second children, and
It’s not often you hear both sides of a story. felt that familiar loss of control creep back in. If
someone had told me I would be bringing home
And oftentimes, when telling the story of the birth my baby girl just a couple weeks shy of the year
of a child, there is only one story to be told. But mark after we went “live,” my year would have been
in open adoption, the birth of a child brings many much different. I would have enjoyed a few good
vacations, smiled and laughed with my friends, and
stories. In this feature article, the story of Chloe is
decorated a nursery. Instead, I often felt hopeless
told first by her adoptive mother, Dahlia, and then and, at times, doubted our decision to adopt. That’s
her birthmother, Brittney, and birthfather, Joel. the uncertainty of open adoption and I’d venture to
say that I am not alone in my experience.
During a particularly bad week in February 2011,
Da h l i a’ s S to r y we got a call from the IAC informing us that a
birthmother was interested in speaking with us.
What brought you to adoption
Her name was Brittney, she was 18, and parenting
and the IAC? a 16-month-old son with her boyfriend, Joel. Joel
The first time Ken and I visited the IAC we weren’t was 20. She was six months pregnant and they
quite ready to take the step toward adoption. After didn’t feel capable of parenting a second child. She
almost exactly two years of infertility struggles, lived in a little town outside of Las Vegas called
Ken and I walked into the IAC and “joined,” Pahrump, that we had never heard of. We were told
hopeful to finally build our family. Adoption had she was nervous to call, but would be contacting
always been something I had considered, but with us within the week. Hope!!! Finally! We researched
so many options available, making a decision Pahrump, which we learned was just a 4 ½ hour
7FEATURE
drive from where we live in California, and waited and the relationship grew, Brittney’s intake worker
for the call. suggested a face-to-face visit. Brittney agreed,
and we made plans to visit Pahrump for a couple
What was the first conversation you
of days. I asked her for suggestions of places we
had with Brittney like? should go, and she told me there was a bowling
Brittney called me the following week while I was alley in Pahrump and that was about it. Sure
in a meeting at work, so I missed her call. She left enough, a little research revealed that there wasn’t
a sweet message sharing that she was nervous to too much to do out there so we planned to meet in
talk to us and providing a way to contact her. It the bowling alley on a Saturday in March. Brittney
took me about an hour to work up the courage, and sent me pictures of her, Joel, and their son, Tyson,
my boss ordering me into my office to return the so I would recognize them.
call, before I actually did. In hindsight, it’s almost Driving to Pahrump felt completely surreal. We
comical that I was scared to call. I’m a licensed were on our way to meet the potential birthparents
clinical social worker, and at the time, made a of our daughter! Was this really happening? As
living talking to people! I think I was worried that reality sunk in, I started to worry again about
I would say the wrong thing, that I would feel that rejection. Would Brittney and Joel change their
sense of rejection yet again. My first conversation minds and stand us up? Would they like us in
with Brittney was amazing! I liked her immediately person? All of these questions rolled around in my
and we spent quite a bit of time giggling about how head. My husband, the eternal optimist, assured
nervous we both were. I wanted to get to know me that if we could be ourselves, they would like us.
Brittney and for her to get to know me. I shared
with her how Ken and I met through the LA music What was it like to meet Brittney, Joel
Bowling together scene and gave her a window into our lives. She and Tyson for the first time?
on our first visit shared with me her dreams of finishing high school,
We arrived at the bowling alley early as usual and
to Pahrump attending college, and moving out of Pahrump.
sat down to wait. My heart raced as I watched a
young, pregnant woman and her boyfriend walk
into the bowling alley. It was them! They didn’t
stand us up! We greeted each other with hugs and
again laughed about how nervous we all were. To
break the ice, Ken and I had brought along some
gifts. Brittney was running low on maternity
clothes so I had picked out a few pieces for her,
along with a small star necklace to symbolize
following her dreams. For Joel, a USC hat, my alma
mater, and his favorite football team, I learned. We
picked out a drum for Tyson to represent of our love
of music.
L: Spending time together
before Chloe’s birth
R: Brittney with her
son, Tyson
Days passed before I heard from Brittney again,
The four of us spent that afternoon together,
but I felt certain that we had made connection.
bowling, eating lunch, and talking. It all felt
She called again a week later and I had a chance
surprisingly easy and we seemed to hit it off.
to talk to Joel. I liked him right away too. He was
Brittney and Joel shared their reasons for choosing
genuine in sharing his fears and had a love of fast
adoption and I was blown away by their maturity
cars. Ken was able to speak with both Brittney
and love for their baby. They wanted her to
and Joel, and it quickly became apparent that we
have opportunities that they just weren’t able to
were building a relationship. As the weeks passed
provide. It was clear that their decision had been
8FEATURE
painstaking to make and they were willing to I laugh when I say “two short months” because that
sacrifice so much to give their baby the life they time really felt like an eternity. As ecstatic as I was, I
dreamed of for her. Before returning to Los Angeles couldn’t help but feel terrified at the same time. This
the following morning, we met for breakfast, where baby that I could already picture bringing home
we got to know their son, Tyson. He was a bright belonged to Brittney and Joel and they were making
little boy just learning to walk and so interested the hardest decision I could imagine. Who could
in his surroundings. Brittney and Joel were loving fault them if they changed their minds? Brittney
and attentive with him and it was obvious that they and I texted daily and we visited Pahrump every
were exceptional parents. couple weeks before Chloe’s birth. Our relationship
continued to grow and I felt more and more attached
In the week that followed our visit, Brittney and
to Brittney. I never doubted her intentions, but some
Joel requested to officially “match” with us and we
part of me still felt scared, so I waited until April to
gratefully accepted. They were wonderful people
start to decorate Chloe’s nursery.
that we felt honored to welcome into our lives.
We brought Brittney, Joel, and Tyson out to Los
Angeles for a long weekend for our match meeting
and a little sightseeing. It was of course the rainiest
weekend that I had ever seen in Los Angeles, but we
still managed to have fun, visiting a local children’s
museum and the beach, sharing meals, and just
hanging out. We all felt like we knew each other
pretty well by our match meeting and the process
of firming up our adoption plans no longer seemed
daunting. I felt confident that we were all on the
same page.
Openness is something that Ken and I were
completely in favor of, but it was really important
to us to honor what Brittney and Joel wanted. If
they couldn’t handle regular contact, we would
have respected that. Brittney and Joel had both
How did you prepare for the birth? L: Dahlia &
voiced fear over how their daughter would respond Brittney at the
to her adoption, and to them. We assured them There was so much to be done to prepare for hospital
that their baby girl would grow up knowing that Chloe’s birth. Emotionally, we were both more than
her birthparents are amazing people and that ready to be parents. What we weren’t prepared for R: Newborn
their decision was made completely out of love. We were the logistics. Brittney and Joel didn’t have Chloe resting
ultimately agreed on regular telephone contact, a car, there is no public transportation system in on Dad
sharing of pictures, and one to two visits each year, Pahrump, and they lived 1 ½ hours away from the
which we could build upon over time if it felt right. Las Vegas hospital where Brittney would deliver.
How were we going to get to Pahrump in time to
What was it like to match and what get Brittney to the hospital when she went into
did you do during “the wait”? labor? Both Brittney and I were worried about it.
There were some very difficult questions to answer We ultimately decided to travel to Las Vegas before
during the match meeting. Who would name the Brittney’s due date and crossed our fingers that she
baby? Who would be present for the birth? Who wouldn’t go into labor early.
would be the first to hold the baby? Brittney again About two weeks before Brittney’s May 15th due date,
amazed me with her maturity and selflessness. her doctor scheduled her to be induced. We would
She invited both Ken and I to be present for the be able to travel to Las Vegas before May 6th when
birth and asked that I be the first to hold the baby Brittney was to be admitted to the hospital and all
in the delivery room. She told me I was the baby’s would be well. With just a couple of days to plan, we
“mom” and I should have those experiences. I was booked a vacation condo just off the Las Vegas Strip
overwhelmed. Me, a mom!!! They were eager to for ourselves, and one for Brittney and Joel. We
know which names we had chosen. I’d had my thought it would be nice for Brittney to recover in
heart set on the name “Chloe” for years and Kenny comfort for a few days and looked forward to being
and I had chosen the middle name, “Star.” They able to spend more time together after the birth. My
were the only ones to knew this secret middle name parents also arranged to be there.
until after Chloe was born. Brittney and Joel loved
the name and began using it when talking about We picked Brittney, Joel, and Tyson up in Pahrump
the baby. We were matched! Ken and I were going the morning of Friday, May 6th and dropped Tyson
to be parents in just two short months! off at his grandmother’s house. The four of us then
9FEATURE
traveled to Vegas where we had a big lunch where side throughout labor and delivery. We have a
my parents were able to meet Brittney and Joel for beautiful photo of them holding hands just minutes
the first time. Later that day Brittney was admitted before Chloe was born.
to the hospital.
Chloe was born on Birthmother’s Day, the Saturday
Describe the hospital experience. before Mother’s Day, and she and Brittney were
released from the hospital the next afternoon.
The induction process was started that evening and
We all traveled back to the hotel together where
L: Chloe being the four of us hung out in the delivery room until we
Brittney got some much needed rest, and Kenny
admired by her could barely keep our eyes open. Since the nurses
and I began to build a routine with our daughter.
parents hadn’t started the Pitocin yet and the hospital wasn’t
Chloe ate and slept while Kenny and I just stared at
being very accommodating to our group, Ken and I
R: Cozy Chloe her. She was so beautiful and we were in complete
decided to stay the night at our hotel. Joel promised
gives the camera awe that she was ours.
to call us if anything changed and I slept (kind of)
a good stare
with my cell phone next to the bed. I guess there is something to be said for having
a baby at a young age, because Brittney was up
and ready to start the day on Monday morning.
Our plan was for Brittney and Joel to spend four
nights in the hotel with us and we would all travel
to Pahrump to pick up Tyson on Tuesday and
introduce Chloe to Joel’s parents and brother. The
four days we spent together turned into a family
vacation of sorts. We had meals together, spent as
much time together as a newborn will allow for,
and Brittney, Joel, and Tyson even got to do a little
sightseeing. We all bonded more during these days,
and talked more about the adoption than we ever
had. Brittney and Joel shared that they had initially
feared a fully open adoption and had considered
the possibility of choosing a family that lived as far
away from them as possible. Thankfully, something
Ken and I were back to the hospital as soon as we
about our letter had stood out to them and I think
got the word that Brittney was awake and ready
the relationship we were able to build helped to
for us to return. The nurses started Pitocin that
calm some of their fears.
morning and Brittney, Joel, Ken, and I took bets
on when Chloe would be born. I guessed 4:00pm, Brittney and Joel thanked us for making the
Brittney guessed 4:30pm, Joel took 5:00pm, and experience of placing their baby as easy as possible
Ken settled on 6:00pm. Brittney won the bet as for them. Just 48 hours after giving birth, Brittney
Chloe Star entered the world at 4:27pm on May and Joel hopped onto a bus to Target to buy us gifts.
7, 2011. She was absolutely perfect in every way; They chose a “Mom” necklace for me, a “#1 Dad”
a healthy 6lbs 11oz and 19 ½ inches long, with a hat and t-shirt for Kenny, and a picture frame for
full head of strawberry blond hair. The nurses Chloe. I was floored. They had already given us the
who helped deliver Chloe were amazing. One most amazing gift we could imagine and were now
had adopted a baby several years ago and was thanking us. I can’t say enough about how amazing
completely supportive of our hospital plan. She these two are. We had gifts for them as well; a
ushered Ken and I to the warming table and bracelet with a “C” inside of a star for Brittney, and
instructed us to bring our camera. Ken was asked dog tags for Joel with the same symbol and the date
if he wanted to cut the umbilical cord. His hands of Chloe’s birth.
shaking, he bowed out and I quickly stepped up. I
How did you say goodbye to Brittney,
wasn’t going to miss a thing!
Joel and Tyson?
What was it like to hold your Driving Brittney, Joel, and Tyson back to Pahrump
daughter for the first time? a couple days later was painful. I was sad to
The nurse placed Chloe into my arms for the first say “goodbye,” but also felt the pain they must be
time, and as I gazed at her, I was struck by how experiencing in saying “goodbye” to Chloe. Like
much I loved her already. She was just incredible, any of our goodbyes though, it was really a “see
and so were her birthparents. Brittney asked to see you later.” We’d already made plans for a picnic in
Chloe and commented on how beautiful she was. the park a few days later since we weren’t cleared
She then wished me a happy Mother’s Day. I will to leave Nevada quite yet and subsequently made
never forget that moment. Joel stayed by Brittney’s plans to celebrate Brittney’s birthday in September
10FEATURE
together. We finally received ICPC clearance a
little over a week later, and were excited to bring
Chloe home. We had, after all, been raising our
new baby in a Las Vegas hotel, which wasn’t exactly
conducive to a newborn. Sadly, we weren’t able to
say that last “see you later” to Brittney and Joel in
person because Brittney had come down with a
fever. We continued to text message regularly and I
kept her posted on our drive home.
What is it like to be first-time parents?
As I write this, it has been four months since our
daughter was born and I can easily say this has
been the best four months of my life. Chloe is a
bright and happy baby and I love nothing more
than watching her develop new skills and cuddling
with her when she isn’t on the go. Maybe it’s the
painful experience of infertility, but even on it’s
hardest days, parenting is nothing but a joy for me. Brittney &
Joel: I was only 18 years old when Tyson was born
I go to bed feeling fulfilled and wake up excited to
Joel holding
and not even a month later I was laid off and my newborn
see the smiles and squeals the day will bring. I can’t mom kicked us out. Thankfully I had a friend that Chloe
fully put into words how grateful I am to Chloe’s was there for me and my family. We would have
birthparents for trusting us to be her parents. I am been on the street if he and his mother hadn’t taken
finally a mom to the most lovable little girl in the us in. We were still struggling and 8 months later
world! Britt was pregnant again. We thought about it for
What are your thoughts on open a month and decided neither of us were ready to
raise another baby. Most importantly we were
adoption now you’ve experienced the
financially unable to raise another child. We could
entire process? barely take good care of Tyson and we didn’t want
We’ve just finished up our first visit with Brittney, him to suffer by bringing another baby into our
Joel, and Tyson since we left Nevada after Chloe’s struggle. Growing up, I lived on the streets and in
birth and I continue to be amazed by the open shelters, and I blamed my parents because I didn’t
adoption experience. When we started this process, ask to be a part of their struggle. I wasn’t going to
we expected to become parents, but didn’t realize do that to Chloe. I wanted her to experience life and
how our family would grow. Brittney, Joel, and enjoy it without having the stress I did as a kid.
Tyson are now part of our family. They will be able
Britt was the one that contacted the IAC. The first
to watch Chloe grow up and will be able to tell
time I talked with the agency I was nervous, but
her themselves just how much they love her. Their
they quickly made me feel comfortable. They were
picture sits in her bedroom in the frame Brittney
so sincere and understanding and they let us go at
and Joel gave her and I talk to her about them often.
our own pace. If we needed to talk, they we there,
Chloe will get to grow up knowing her birthparents
and they always let us know how strong we were
and her brother. There will be no secrets or
for making this hard but absolute, unselfish, and
unanswered questions. What an amazing gift to be
loving decision.
able to give to my little star!
Explain your process for choosing
B RITT N E Y & J O EL’ S STORY a family? What stood out about
Ken & Dahlia?
Describe what brought you to
Brittney: Well the agency had sent a box full of
adoption and the IAC. family’s letters. We searched and searched, and
Brittney: What brought me to adoption was that I then came across Ken and Dahlia. I just knew they
knew I was too young to have another baby. I had were the ones. What stood out to me was how much
not finished school and with the position I was they wanted to have a baby and how loving and
in I knew I could find Chloe an amazing family, caring they were. I also liked that they were close to
people who could give her a life I could never give their families and they would spend holidays with
her. What brought me to the IAC was I wanted to family. When I was a kid I never had my family
choose the best agency, and when I saw the agency around and I want Chloe to be able to spend time
online I loved it. I knew it was the best place to go. with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins
11FEATURE
and be able to treasure moments like that. Dahlia. I was in a rough situation and didn’t have a
phone so they bought us one. I was able to keep in
Joel: The process was long at first. We had a big box
touch with doctors, family, and of course them so I
of letters to go over and it took about 5 days to get
could let them know how my appointments went.
through them all. I don’t know what it was about
Ken and Dahlia, but when I picked up their folder I Joel: We didn’t have our own phone so Ken and
had a strong feeling they were the ones. I wasn’t even Dahlia got us one to make sure we could stay in
done going through the rest, but I read their folder contact with each other.
and set it aside and after going through all of them,
How did you prepare for the birth?
no one else made me feel that way. At first we didn’t
want anyone close to us, but Britt and I both agreed Brittney: When I prepared for the birth I wanted
on them. I think it was just meant to be. both of them and Dahlia’s parents to be there. Ken
and Dahlia rented rooms for us to stay in after
How did the first conversation with Chloe was born so we didn’t have to part early; and
Ken & Dahlia go? to spend more time with Chloe because we didn’t
Brittney: It was so indescribable; know when we could see each other again.
it was amazing. I was so nervous I
Describe the hospital experience.
had butterflies in my stomach. But
after we talked for a while I felt so Brittney: The hospital experience was great. It
comfortable and they seemed so was amazing to have them see Chloe born and
fun, and sounded like such great to witness how amazing she was. It was just so
people. In my heart I knew they incredible.
were going to become wonderful What was it like to hold Chloe for
parents and they were the right
the first time?
match.
Brittney: It was hard to hold Chloe for the first
Joel: At first we were all a little
time because I just wanted to hold her forever. But
nervous but shortly after sitting
I knew that she had wonderful parents and I loved
down we really clicked like we had
her and I was doing the right thing.
known each other for a while. They
were both really amazing and it Joel: It was hard to hold her knowing she was
couldn’t have gone any better. I felt mine but that I had to let her go. She was an angel,
really comfortable with them. absolutely amazing.
A walk in the Did you ever have any doubts or fears How did you say goodbye to Chloe,
park with Chloe’s Ken & Dahlia?
birth family
during the match? What were they?
Brittney: Honestly I had no doubts. Ken and Dahlia Brittney: The goodbye was hard because I loved
were perfect. I knew they would make incredible them all so much. I just couldn’t wait to see them
parents. again because they were all so great to be around.
Joel: Not really, I was just nervous and anxious How has your life changed after
because I didn’t know what to expect. bringing Chloe into the world?
What was it like to meet Ken & Dahlia Brittney: My life changed incredibly. I just feel
for the first time? great to know that Chloe is with safe, loving, great
people and I love to share that with friends and
Brittney: It was so incredible; my heart was
family.
pumping. I was just so excited to meet the parents
of Chloe. It was just so wonderful I can’t even put it What are your thoughts on open
in words. adoption now you’ve experienced the
Joel: It was nerve racking and exciting because entire process?
we just knew them by their pictures and they had Brittney: Open adoption was a great experience
never seen us before. But after meeting them it was because I gave a family something that is so
a relief. I don’t think we could’ve picked two better important to their lives. I cherish being able to
people to raise our baby. provide Ken & Dahlia with a daughter, while still
Explain what kind of contact you being able to have a relationship with her.
had with Ken & Dahlia during your
match?
Brittney: We had a lot of contact with Ken and
12Staff profile
it a priority to shout it from the hilltops! so I taught myself to cook and bake. I
I love that we are so inclusive of all love finding new recipes to try out on my
families. It is very personal to me that coworkers! I’ve been trying to get better
people know that love makes a family, at vegan recipes as one of the gals here
and Ann has made me feel that IAC truly in the GA office is vegan and I want to
stands behind this value. include her. I recently tried my hand
at vegan brownies, which turned out
Who is your favorite
pretty well! My favorite thing to cook is
person and why? Thanksgiving dinner. My family is up in
Our Very Own, Multi-talented
Food Loving Photographer
Interview with lauren favorite Adoptive Parent Intake Coordinator
What brought you My favorite person to spend time with is
to the IAC? my fiancé, Joshua. We’ve been together
I had been working in the customer over nine years, and he is my absolute
service field for many years. In my spare favorite person and my best friend. He
time I volunteered as a tutor and mentor is thoughtful and kind, and he always
for children at the elementary and middle knows how to make me laugh. We’re in
school levels, mainly in special needs the process of planning our wedding
classrooms. I had been looking to take next summer, so that has been keeping
my volunteer work and find a way to do us busy lately, but it’s a fun project! We’re
it professionally, when the opportunity both foodies, so we love trying out all
with IAC came up in July of 2009. I the fabulous restaurants here in Atlanta
immediately fell in love with the agency when we get the chance. We also love
and everything they represent. I continue traveling or just hanging out at home
to feel fortunate to work with such with our three cats.
fabulous people dedicated to adoption! Tell us about your interest
What are the rewards of in photography.
your position? I’ve always had an interest in
My role as Adoptive Parent Intake photography, and a few years ago I
Coordinator gives me the opportunity purchased my first 35mm SLR camera.
to be a resource on adoption. I help I started taking black and white film New Hampshire, so it’s hard to go home for
prospective adoptive parents throughout photography classes last fall and I’ve the holiday, so I do a big dinner here for my
the Southeast navigate the ins and outs been hooked ever since! It’s so neat to friends instead. It takes weeks of planning
of adoption. I am also a contract home have total control over the process, so you and days of prep to pull it off, but I just
study worker and a notary. Because of can determine the quality of the print love bringing good food to the table and
my diverse roles, not only am I there at you create at the very end. I have been enjoying the day with loved ones.
practicing my portraiture photography
the beginning of the adoption journey, I what is your favorite
also get to be there in the middle and end lately, so Joshua ends up being my guinea
pig quite often!
cooking show?
as well. It’s so incredible to watch hopeful
parents become families. I’m pretty happy with anything on Food
you also like to bake. Network, but since I’m a self-proclaimed
Who At iac has been an What delicious meals do nerd, I love all things Alton Brown. He
inspiration to you? you most like to cook? brings scientific reasoning behind why
Without a doubt, Ann Wrixon. In an Believe it or not, before I moved out of things come together in the kitchen, which
age where businesses are still resistant my parents’ house, I could barely boil helps me figure out what I need to do!
to being up-front and open about being water. But I decided I didn’t want to
supportive of gay rights, Ann has made exist solely on pasta or grilled cheese,
13advice
Q. “Our eight-year-old daughter was assigned the family tree
at school. How do we handle this?”
Teachers rarely recognize the dilemma A public discussion
this age-old assignment poses for most However she chooses to fill out her tree,
adoptive families. Your first impulse is to chances are, your daughter will have to
defend your child, but you can turn it into a share it with the class once it is due. This
positive experience for her, and your family. may lead to an adoption discussion
or questions from your child’s peers,
By age eight, kids understand that they especially if your daughter includes both
really have two family trees, whether families in her tree.
their adoption is open or closed. In
open adoptions, a child has options. I A 10-year-old I knew, Anna, wanted to
recommend talking with your daughter include her birth family in her tree, but she
about various approaches, all of which can had very little information. After struggling
lead to an exploration of her history and of for days, and having several discussions
the impact of genetics (where she got her with her family, she decided to create a
blue eyes, for instance) versus environment tree of her adoptive family because she
(where she got her interest in music). Be didn’t want to share her adoption story
sure to leave the final decision to her. with her classmates.
Your child’s options Ask your daughter how she would feel
Some children decide to make a tree that about a class discussion. She may decide
shows only their birth family. Even if this that she’s OK with it. If so, ask whether
makes you uncomfortable, you should she would like you to come to school with
support her decision. her that day. Kids can better understand Kathleen Silber, MSW,
ACSW, is the IAC’s Associate
concrete details, rather than abstractions,
Lauren, a nine-year-old Latina I worked Executive Director and Clinical
so she may want to bring in photos or a Director. She is a nationally
with, told her parents, “It would be keepsake her birthparents gave her for regarded expert, has written
dishonest to say I’m Irish and Polish, like show-and-tell. You might also want to talk numerous groundbreaking books
you!” As she worked on the assignment, with the teacher in advance. including “Dear Birthmother”
she needed more information, so she and and “Children of Open Adoption”
her mom called her birthmother. It became One question classmates may ask when and has advocated extensively
for open adoption. Ms. Silber
a true family project, as it is in biological they see a combined family tree is, “Who provides the IAC with clinical
families when children ask extended family is your real mother?” It’s important to oversight and the IAC’s staff with
members for help in completing their tree. answer that both sets of parents are real, clinical supervision.
and that they play different roles in her life. This article was originally
Some kids choose to make two trees For example, you and your spouse are the published in Adoptive Families
that include both families. This is a good “real” parents who are raising her. When Magazine. Adoptive Families can
solution because both families are real also be found online:
open adoption is explained in this natural
www.AdoptiveFamilies.com
to your child, and both contribute to her way, classmates often think it’s “cool” to
identity. Kids can create several branches— have “extra” parents who call or visit and
one for each parent—or place their who send gifts on holidays and birthdays.
adoptive family in the branches and their Again, the choice is your daughter’s. She
birth family in the roots. may—or may not—be ready to go public CHECK
with her adoption story.
Often children choose a tree that shows only OUT OUR
their adoptive family. After all, your daughter
became part of your family’s life when you BLOG!
adopted her. This is a good opportunity The best place to
to talk again about her adoption and the find advice, support,
permanence of your family.
breaking news and
media coverage on
adoption.
AdoptionHelp.Org/Blog or IHeartAdoption.Org/Blog
14You can also read
