New Year's Predictions - What to Look for in 2020

New Year’s Predictions — What
to Look for in 2020

Before I get to my annual predictions for the new year (here
from my long-weekend perch in the crisp Colorado high
country), I wanted to take a second to thank you all for your
readership (well, maybe not those of you who typically just
read the first paragraph of my columns, then angrily scroll
down to the comment section. ) It means a lot that you take
the time for my work, and I hope you’re having a great holiday
season with family and friends.

There were few dull moments in 2019, and I expect 2020 to be
even more needlessly dramatic (because that’s how we roll in
America these days). With lots of topics to cover, I’ve gone
through the painstaking task of keeping my number of
predictions to just four (because five would have been too
predictable).

See what I did there? Anyway, enjoy!

Know your audience

In May, as part of a sweeps-month effort, Fox News will debut
an 8-part weekend mini-series entitled “Trumped by an Angel.”
The show will star the popular social-media duo of Diamond and
Silk as angels tasked from Heaven to bring pro-Trump messages
and guidance to anti-Trump liberals and dispirited
conservatives who have yet to accept our president as their
one true god and savior.

Each episode will end with a Trump detractor of the week
recognizing the error of his or her ways, reversing long-held
positions and personal standards of decency, pledging holy
servitude to the president, and receiving a complimentary
Trumpy Bear (the show’s sponsor) from Diamond and Silk.

Special guest stars will include Sean Hannity (playing Slobert
De Niro, a brash Hollywood A-lister), Jesse Watters (playing
Grim Acosta, a chief White House correspondent for a left-
leaning, low-rated cable news network), and Greg Gutfeld
(playing Choke Romney, a former Republican presidential
candidate and current U.S. Senator, who repeatedly commits the
cardinal sin of directing honest, principled criticism at our
president).

The ratings success of Trumped by an Angel (especially in the
coveted 75+ age demographic) will compel other networks to add
modern political themes to their fall lineups. The surprise
hit of the season will be an all-male CBS television
adaptation of the 2000 film, Coyote Ugly, starring former
presidential hopeful Beto O’Rourke as a failed politician who
parlays his trademark campaign maneuver of negotiating the
tops of bars and tables into a successful career as a pub
dancer.

The devil is in the details

In early fall, contract-renewal negotiations between CNN and
Brian Stelter will stall when Stelter inquires about the
network seemingly changing his job title.

“So…they want me to be a Media Analyst now?” Stelter will
confusedly ask an unnamed CNN producer.

Baffled by Stelter’s question, the   producer will pull up the
commentator’s previous multi-year    contract and identify an
unfortunate spellcheck mishap, in     which the intended word
“Analyst” had inadvertently been      replaced with the word
“Apologist.”

Believing that he had been working for the network as a Media
Apologist since 2013 (and performing that job with
distinction), Stelter will ask his CNN colleagues why they let
him defend and blow off the abundant mistakes and biases of
the mainstream media for “7 freakin’ years” without ever
saying a word to him about it.

An internal probe will be launched to determine the answer to
that question, and later reveal that no one at the network
actually watches Stelter’s show, Reliable Sources.
Furthermore, it will be discovered that the only people who
actually do watch the program are Fox News producers and
conservative bloggers looking for content to fill up their
“Liberals Gone Crazy!” segments.

Stelter will leave CNN in late November, after reading up on
the role of Media Analyst and deciding “it sounds like a lot
of work.”

“I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle”

With curiosity piqued by the below observation about the
tweeting habits of millennial political activist Charlie Kirk,
an anonymous Twitter employee will run a series of diagnostic
tests on Kirk’s account and make a shocking discovery.

 How to write a Kirk tweet:

 Opening line about how the dems are bad

 Did you know this unsourced evidence that [insert Democrat

here] did [insert vaguely shady activity]?

 Bombshell non sequitur about the outcome of activity that’s
 not sourced

 Cry about double standard

  emoji

 — Alec Sears (@alec_sears) December 18, 2019

It will turn out that Kirk’s tweets are not the result of
manual entry, but rather a simple algorithm keying off of
Breitbart.com headlines (using an RSS feed). The revelation
will explain the complete absence of irony and self-awareness
in each Kirk tweet, and also advance speculation that Kirk
himself is an artificial life-form sent from the future by
George Soros’s technologically preserved brain to assist in a
diabolical effort to replace core principles of conservatism
with nothing more than lame memes, glaring double standards,
and incessant “lib owning.”

Back to the intergalactic well

Following the extraordinary popularity of the super cute “Baby
Yoda” character from season one of The Mandalorian, Disney+
will decide to up the ante in season two by introducing
another toddler version of a notable Star Wars character:
Jabba the Hutt.

“Baby Jabba,”    as fans will creatively name him, will show up
in episode #3     when bounty hunter Din Djarin returns to the
desert planet     of Tatooine in search of fellow Mandalorian,
Boba Fett, who   was last seen there.

Upon discovering that Mr. Fett was devoured by a giant sarlacc
as part of an outlandish action sequence five years earlier,
Djarin will leave Tatoonie with an unexpected stowaway who had

waddled aboard his ship following the scent of a pot of three-
day-old Gungan stew in the ship’s galley.

Now finding himself the surrogate father of two unexpected
kids — one dealing with serious child obesity issues
(including limited mobility), Djarin will be forced to make
some tough choices between his family and career. He’ll
ultimately elect to scale his bounty hunting profession down
to part-time, while establishing a successful work-from-home
business around the knitting and sale of unique clothing
accessories for wookie youths and protocol droids.

Lastly…

In all seriousness, I wish you all a happy and healthy new
year. Whatever disagreements we may have in 2020 (and as in
recent years, I predict there will be many), I’m hoping we can
approach them with relative civility and — at times — a good
laugh.

—

    Megyn Kelly, on John A. Daly’s new novel, Safeguard.

New Year’s Predictions — What
to Look for in 2018

Every December, many political commentators weigh in with
their predictions for the upcoming year. I used to do the
same, but took last year off because I figured that August’s
solar eclipse would probably end life on our planet as we knew
it, and I wasn’t in a masochistic enough mood to want to scare
the holy hell out of readers in the second half of my column.

Sure, laugh if you want. But NASA’s encouraging of everyone to
look directly into the sun with their flimsy paper glasses
stood in direct conflict with all the warnings my mother used
to give me when I was a child. Couple that with Mel Gibson’s
Apocalypto portraying this planetary event as a backdrop for
human sacrifices and indiscriminate loincloths, and I wasn’t
going to take any chances.

Anywho… I’m willing to give it a try this time around, barring

any last-minute    developments       relating   to   cataclysmic
occurences.

A faded sign at the side of the road

In a scene that stuns the world, President Trump will close
out his first State of the Union address by inexplicably
reciting the song lyrics (in their entirety) to the B-52’s
1989 smash-hit, Love Shack. He will leave the podium to
scattered applause and confused glares, seemingly unaware that
he had said anything odd.

Immediate reaction from the media will be widely mixed.
Legendary journalist Carl Bernstein will declare that the
rumors of Trump suffering from dementia now have credibility.
Conversely, Fox News’s Jesse Watters will call the incident an
example of “the president’s commitment to igniting a
reawakening in American confidence and ushering in a rebirth
of pride, patriotism, and prosperity by putting America
first.”

It will soon be discovered, however, that Omarosa Manigault
had breached U.S. Capitol security earlier in the day and
tampered with president’s teleprompter — all in a final act of
defiance over losing her White House job. This revelation will
lead to a special episode of Hannity, where Sean Hannity will
use information provided by Wikileaks to tie Omarosa to both
Hillary Clinton and The Deep State.

Moore is less

Learning from the devastating U.S. Senate loss in Alabama, the
GOP will employ plans to better insulate future Republican
primaries from controversial candidates with problematic
backgrounds. This national strategy will require that
a questionnaire called the “Creep Assessment” be filled out by
every prospective Republican candidate who registers to run
for office. Questions will include:

Have you ever dated or sought to date anyone younger
     than (your age)/2 + 7 years?” (credit: David Burge)
     Do you attribute the 9/11 attacks to anyone other than
     Osama bin Laden and/or Al-Qaeda?
     Have you ever accepted a phone call from Steve Bannon?

White House restructuring

Sarah Huckabee Sanders will replace John Kelly as White House
Chief of Staff shortly after Kelly mysteriously disappears (he
will be found three weeks later, aimlessly roaming the Blue
Ridge Mountains and mumbling strange things about tweets and
Vladimir Putin). Sanders’ father, Mike Huckabee, will take
over the role of White House Press Secretary before coming
under heavy scrutiny for answering every question with a
criminally flat old-guy joke. He’ll soon be replaced with
attorney and Trump advisor, Jay Sekulow, who will further
outrage the White House press corps by adamantly denying
statements that he had clearly made just minutes earlier.
After five back-to-back Sekulow recants in a single press
briefing, CNN’s Jim Acosta will literally be brought to tears.

Live from DC!

At a hastily organized press conference, Al Franken will
announce that he will not be resigning from the U.S. Senate
after all. Inspired by Newt Gingrich’s recent defense of
Franken’s past misconduct with women, the senator will explain
that his previous vow to step down was just part of an
elaborate comedy skit. He’ll then remove his jacket to reveal
a light-blue sweater and yellow shirt, cross his eyes,
and declare that he is “good enough” and “smart enough” to
continue serving. The decades-old reference will confuse
everyone under the age of 40, but not be seen as terribly
unusual given the events of the last couple of years.

There she goes again…

Megyn Kelly will once again infuriate her network colleagues,

adding to a list of past capital offenses that include asking
tough questions of presidential candidates, and speaking out
against workplace sexual harassment. This time, Kelly will
send her NBC co-workers into hysterics for having the gall to
do a Megyn Kelly TODAY episode on the theme of Fire Safety
just two days after a tragic hair-spray accident with Joe
Scarborough sets a makeup room ablaze in Rockefeller Plaza.

Take the red pill or the blue pill?

For the better part of an hour, a malfunction at Comcast will
broadcast HLN programming on MSNBC, CNN, and Fox News
channels. Millions of people will suddenly be made aware of an
evening news-commentary show called S.E. Cupp Unfiltered that
isn’t fiercely anti-Trump or pro-Trump, has a positive vibe,
and actually provides valuable insight and honest analysis on
important issues.

Viewers will be left stunned and unsure of how to respond,
until the regularly scheduled hackery from the other networks
is restored, and a collective breath of hyper-partisan relief
is drawn back in.

Return from Trumpville

Fox News viewers will be left speechless during a live airing
of The Five, when co-host Greg Gutfeld is confronted on the
set by a man who is his spitting image. The man will explain
that he is the real Greg Gutfeld, and that the individual
who’s been sitting in his chair for the past eleven months is
actually Gunnar Gutfeld (Greg’s stunted twin brother, who was
occasionally discussed on Gutfeld’s old show, Red Eye). An
ensuing investigation will reveal that after years of being
trapped in a shoe-box under Greg’s bed (with only Dilbert
comic strips and Lou Dobbs tweet-transcripts to keep him
entertained), Gunnar escaped, kidnapped Greg, and assumed his
brother’s identity. The revelations will explain the host’s
seemingly profound shift in political sensibilities that began

shortly after the 2016 election. A week later,    the real Greg
will resume his role on The Five, and bring       with him his
unique style of irreverent commentary that had    long endeared
him to viewers. Gunnar will return to a life of   seclusion and
not be missed.

Faces of Kimmel

Late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel will continue to use
his television platform to blame conservatives for mass
shootings, and insist that each new piece of Republican
legislation will kill thousands — perhaps millions — more.
Over the summer, Kimmel will expand on the theme by narrating
a revival of the cult film franchise, Faces of Death, in which
simulated scenes of electric-chair executions and third-world
assassinations will be replaced with clips of Paul Ryan
signing papers.

Lastly…

In all seriousness, I wish you all a happy and healthy new
year. Whatever disagreements we may have in 2018 (and I
predict there will be many), I’m hoping we can approach them
with civility and — at times — a good laugh.

Fox News Was Right to Drop
Dick Morris

I used to appreciate the Fox News
appearances of former Bill Clinton
adviser, Dick Morris. I thought he
brought a unique and informed
perspective to his political analysis.
His observations were insightful, his
take on events made sense, and his
bold predictions were thought-
provoking.

Many others clearly felt the same way. In addition to pulling
in a lot of domestic and international consulting work during
his time with Fox, he also wrote a barrage of books that did
quite well thanks to heavy (and routinely over-the-top) self-
promotion on the news network.

Morris has an undeniable gift for successfully laying out his
unconventional observations with logical arguments that strike
a chord with people. That gift has made him an intriguing
public figure and a regular fixture on Fox News’ prime-time
lineup over the years.

With that being said, Fox absolutely did the right thing by
choosing not to renew Morris’ contract this year.

In the end, the decision came down to, as Morris inferred on
Piers Morgan’s CNN show this week, simple credibility. Morris
was being paid by Fox not just for his gift for gab, but also
for his expertise. And when you’re being paid for your
expertise, you have to demonstrate that the claims you make –
especially when you make them with absolute certainty – are
‘right’ more often than not. Sure, you can get away with
sometimes being wrong, but Morris’ big problem is that he was
almost always wrong.

The final straw was his most recent and now most famous flub:
His unabashed insistence that Mitt Romney would not only win
the 2012 presidential election, but win it in a “landslide”.

His long history of botching forecasts, however, certainly
predates last year’s election.

Here are just a few of the more notable examples:

Morris told us that the Republicans would take the U.S. Senate
in 2010. Two years later, he told us the same thing, declaring
a pick-up of 10 seats including easy victories for candidates
that in some cases ended up losing by wide margins.

He told us in 2011 that it was “very possible” that President
Obama wouldn’t even run for re-election due to poor poll
numbers.

He told us that Donald Trump was going to run for the
presidency, had a “good shot” at winning the Republican
nomination, and could likely beat Obama in the general
election.

He told us that the 2008 presidential race would be between
Hillary Clinton and Condoleezza Rice. His rationale was that
Obama couldn’t beat Clinton, and the Republicans would “never”
elect John McCain as their general election candidate.

I could list several more, but you probably get my point.

Sure, lots of reputable people get predictions wrong, but
Morris has built his reputation largely on his proclaimed
ability to read the electorate, interpret the political tides,
and fearlessly predict outcomes – outcomes that he portrays as
inevitable. It’s what got him a position in the Clinton White
House and it’s what got him a position on Fox News. Morris has
marketed himself on that expertise, distinguished himself with
it, and has earned quite a living off of it. Such a person
should be held to the level of competence that they’ve set for
them self. When that person can’t even come close to
performing at that level, what exactly is their value as an
expert?

I think that’s the question the higher-ups at Fox News finally
asked themselves after the presidential election.

As the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me
consistently, why are we still paying this guy?”

I figured out a while back that Morris’ predictions should be
taken with a grain of salt, and I think many others reached
the same conclusion even before the 2012 election. You just
can’t be routinely wrong and expect people to keep putting
stock in what you have to say.

While some have suggested that Morris knowingly misleads
viewers and readers in order to help the candidates and
organizations he supports, I’m not all that convinced. He may
very well believe in his own prophecies and his own hype. If
that’s the case, I wish him luck in his future endeavors. I
just won’t be missing him on Fox.

The irony is that if Dick Morris had been right about the
Romney “landslide”, his past goofs would have been largely
forgotten, and his winning gamble would have certainly
propelled him onto the A-list of this country’s great
political minds. But as any good capitalist knows, risk
doesn’t always lead to reward. When someone puts themselves as
far out on the edge of a diving board as Morris did, they have
to understand that the big splash they’re about to make might
just come in the form of a belly-flop.