DON'T BE A BAD MOM: BURNOUT IN AMERICAN MOTHERS OF YOUNG CHILDREN - Barbara Silva Feller
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DON’T BE A BAD MOM:
BURNOUT IN AMERICAN
MOTHERS OF YOUNG
CHILDREN
Barbara Silva Feller
Master’s Thesis, 30 ECTS
Master’s of Science in Psychology, 120 ECTS
Spring 2021
Supervisor: Erik LundkvistAcknowledgements
Though I feel that words rarely do any justice to my sentiments, the
one word I will not go without acknowledging here is privilege. I feel
privileged to have had the opportunity to sit at this desk day after day and
read and write about something I’m passionate about, something
meaningful. I feel privileged that my life's circumstances brought me to
such a country as Sweden, where all four of my children have been in good
hands while I received a free graduate education (insert all the happy emojis
here). I feel privileged to have been a witness to the stories of each of the
mothers I interviewed. Grateful for the time, interest and vulnerability. I feel
very privileged to have worked with Erik, who’s knowledge on qualitative
research methods and burnout were priceless, and who never, not once ever,
added to my stress load. (Even more priceless) I feel incredibly privileged to
have an accomplished academic for a partner, one who discussed, read,
reread and gave me high fives along the way. This semester would have
been a lot more painful without both of them making me feel like I knew
what I was doing when I didn't.
This entire process has been one of the greatest honors of my life, hearing
the mothers’ stories, reading current research, contemplating and analyzing
the data, working with Erik and having my partner and children by my side.
Still pinching myself as I symbolically close the 68 tabs I've had open in my
browser all semester.1
Abstract
Burnout occurs as the consequence of an overburdened stress response system which has
become exhausted as the result of attempting to eliminate chronic stressors (Maslach &
Jackson, 1981; Selye, 1946). In so much as parenting can be chronically stressful, researchers
have begun to apply the construct of burnout to the context of parenting (Mikolajczak, Gross
& Roskam, 2019; Aunola, Sorkkila & Tolvanen, 2020; Griffith, 2020; Hubert & Aujoulat,
2018; Kawamoto, Furutani & Alimardani, 2018; Mikolajczak et al., 2018a; b). American
mothers consistently report feeling unable to live up to cultural ideals of the “good mother”
and feeling as though they are failing (Sutherland, 2010; Collins 2021, Folbre 2008). The
current COVID-19 pandemic has sparked a heightened concern for the stress load and mental
health of parents with many of them having additional responsibilities and fewer resources
(Griffith, 2020).
Focusing specifically on U.S. mothers with multiple young children in a stable relationship,
this study asks: what are the lived experiences of mothers who are burned out? Using the
Shirom-Melamed Burnout Questionnaire as a measure of exhaustion (Lundgren-Nilssons et
al., 2012) and utilizing a qualitative design, this study uses theoretical essentialist thematic
analysis to investigate the themes which emerged from six open ended interviews. Key findings
suggest that various social/ cultural ideologies along with various dimensions of perfectionism
contributed to the mothers’ experience of burnout. Consequences of the mothers’ burnout
included resentment toward others and herself and going into “survival mode,” wherein
mothers’ made choices which did not align with her values. Another central finding was how
the mother’s described feeling ashamed as a contributor and a consequence of their burnout
experience. Protective factors are also discussed. The findings of this study can serve to inform
public policy reform aimed at supporting mothers and children in the United States where the
rates of burnout in parents have increased due to the COVID 19 pandemic (Griffith, 2020).
Keywords: burnout, U.S. mothers, qualitative2
Sammanfattning
Orsakerna till utbrändhet är ofta på ett eller annat sätt kopplade till ett överbelastat
stressresponssystem där det inte längre finns tillläckligan strategier för att hantera stressen
(Maslach & Jackson, 1981; Selye, 1946). På senare tid har forskare intresserat sig för att många
delar i föräldraskap kan ha samma kroniskt stressande effekter som i arbetslivet har därför
intresserat sig för utbrändhet hos föräldrar (Mikolajczak, Gross & Roskam, 2019; Aunola,
Sorkkila & Tolvanen, 2020; Griffith, 2020; Hubert & Aujoulat, 2018 ; Kawamoto, Furutani &
Alimardani, 2018; Mikolajczak et al., 2018a; b). Flertalet studier visar att amerikanska mödrar
rapporterar att de inte kan leva upp till den ”goda mammans” kulturella ideal och känner sig
misslyckade (Sutherland, 2010; Collins 2021, Folbre 2008). Den pågående COVID-19-
pandemin har väckt en ökad oro för föräldrarnas stressbelastning och psykiska hälsa eftersom
många föräldrar får ytterligare ansvar och färre resurser (Griffith, 2020).
Denna studie fokuserar specifikt på amerikanska småbarnsmödrar som är i ett stabilt
förhållande med frågeställningen om vilka upplevelser mödrar med hög risk för utbrändhet har.
Urvalet om sex personer baserades på de i ett större urval som hade hög risk av utbrändhet i
självskattningsskalan Shirom-Melamed Burnout Questionnaire (Lundgren-Nilssons et al.,
2012) och använde en kvalitativ studiedesign. Analysen är en teoretisk essentialistisk tematisk
analys med öppna intervjuer. Huvudfynden i studien visar att olika sociala/kulturella
mekanismer tillsammans med perfektionism upplevdes påverka mödrarnas upplevelse av
utbrändhet. Symptomen kopplade till mödrarnas utbrändhet inkluderade bitterhet mot andra
och sig själv och att gå in i ett "överlevnadsläge" där mödrarna gjorde val som inte passade
med deras värderingar. Ett annat centralt fynd var hur mödrarna beskrev skam som en
bidragande orsak av deras utbrändhetsupplevelse. Skyddsfaktorer diskuteras också. Resultaten
av denna studie kan användas för att informera om den allmänna politiska reformen som syftar
till att stödja mödrar och barn i USA där antalet utbrändhet hos föräldrar har ökat på grund av
COVID 19-pandemin (Griffith, 2020).
Nyckelord: utbrändhet, amerikanska mammor, kvalitativ3
Don’t Be a Bad Mom: Burnout in American Mothers of Young Children
What is burnout? Although the concept of burnout was not applied to parenthood until
recently, the concept of burnout itself was introduced in the 1970’s and 80’s. Beginning with
Freudenberger (1974) and then Maslach (1982), burnout was first observed as a syndrome that
results from overwhelming work-related mental stress. Maslach and Jackson (1982) outline
three domains of Occupational burnout; (1) emotional exhaustion, defined as the complete
depletion of one's emotional resources, (2) depersonalization, referring to callous, negative, or
dehumanizing perceptions of people who are usually clients, and (3) reduced personal
accomplishments, which occurs when one perceives oneself and one’s achievements
negatively. Since its conception, the concept of burnout has gained much attention and has
been applied to various contexts including education (Dyrbye et al., 2009; Jacobs & Dodd,
2003), athletics (Lonsdale, Hodge & Rose, 2009; Raedeke & Smith, 2001) and more recently,
parenthood (Mikolajczak, Gross & Roskam, 2019; Aunola, Sorkkila & Tolvanen, 2020;
Griffith, 2020; Hubert & Aujoulat, 2018; Kawamoto, Furutani & Alimardani, 2018;
Mikolajczak et al., 2018a; b). The concept of burnout, though not cut and dry, can be described
plainly as a mismatch between demands and resources. Simply put, if one has more demands
than they have resources with which to meet those demands, the person is at risk for burnout
(Maslach & Leiter, 2006). Burnout is therefore a result of an overburdened stress response,
functioning maladaptively (Maslach & Jackson, 1981). Burnout is beginning to be recognized
as a diagnosable mental disorder in some countries, such as Exhaustion Disorder in Sweden
(Grossi et al., 2015). The International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health
Problems currently includes burnout as a problem associated with employment or
unemployment. However it does not define burnout as a mental disorder or a disease, but as an
occupational phenomenon that undermines a person's well-being in the workplace (World
Health Organization, 2020). On the other hand, burnout is not considered a disorder according
to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, (American Psychiatric
Association, 2013).
Biology of Stress. Because burnout occurs as a consequence of an overburdened stress system
(Maslach & Jackson, 1981), understanding the human stress response, and how it can function
maladaptively, is key to understanding burnout. What follows in this section is a brief summary
of a book chapter by Morrison and Bennett describing the biology of stress (2009).
Stress begins in the brain the instant a threat or “stressor” is perceived. Whether this
threat be real or imagined, the same biological response is triggered and the body reacts. When
a threat (stressor) is perceived, the autonomic nervous system (ANS) triggers the sympathetic
nervous system and induces the well known “fight or flight” response. Pupils dilate, heart rate
increases, and cortisol (among other hormones) is released into the bloodstream telling the
body to evaluate the threat and make a plan. This primal human stress response has developed
over millennia to respond to (historically acute) stressors with one main goal; survival. Chronic
low-grade stress (and also severe acute stress) can induce abnormalities in the body's three
main regulatory systems and cause a myriad of health consequences from sleep issues, to
mental health disorders, to hypertension to exhaustion syndrome (Morrison & Bennett, 2009).4 The Cognitive Transactional Model of Stress. In our modern world, stress comes less from actual events in our lives and more from our assessment or appraisal of those events whether real or imagined. The Cognitive Transactional Model of Stress outlined by Lazarus and Folkamn (1984) says that “stress is the result of the interaction between an individual’s characteristics and appraisals, the external or internal event and the internal or external resources a person has available.” This model begins with a perceived stimulus from the environment, for example, you see a small bird while out on a jog. Most likely you will not perceive the bird as a threat, even if it initially startled you. You would evaluate the situation as safe, ignore the stimulus and continue on jogging. On the other hand, if you see a bear while out jogging, you would likely perceive the bear as a threat, the stress response would be activated and you move to secondary appraisal. Secondary appraisal evaluates our individual capacity and the resources we have to cope with the stressor, “how close is the bear to me? What is it looking at? What is it doing?” This appraisal is also concerned with what future damage might be caused by the stimuli, “I am already tired from running a few miles, the city is far away and this bear could actually kill me. This event feels life threatening and I do not believe I have the resources to cope/ escape.” With secondary appraisal comes the “fight or flight” response, releasing cortisol and adrenaline and mobilizing the body to either escape (seek safety) or attack the bear (Cannon,1932). After you have attempted to cope with the stressor, you would then reappraise the situation and decide if it is still a threat. If you feel you are at a safe distance now and the bear is no longer a threat, then you would have a recovery phase because the stress stimulus has now passed. However, if upon reevaluation you still perceive the bear as a threat, you would either continue with the same coping strategy or come up with a new one. Maybe this time you would try to fight it or, as a last resort, your body would go into shock and freeze (Schmidt et al. 2008). The process repeats until the threat is no longer a threat and you are able to recover. If the recovery never comes because the stressor never goes away (as in chronic stress) the system becomes exhausted. This is what classifies burnout (Demerouti, 2001). General Adaptation syndrome. Developed by Hans Selye, the general adaptation syndrome (GAS) is a profile of how organisms respond to stress and is characterized by three phases (Selye, 1946). The first phase, alarm, is when the stressor is initially identified and the sympathetic nervous system is activated. The second phase, resistance, is when the organism attempts to cope with the stress and alleviate it. The final stage can be either recovery or exhaustion; recovery if the threat is completely eliminated, or exhaustion if the organism does not overcome the threat and its physiological resources get completely depleted, as is the case in burnout (Selye, 1946). When our adaptive systems can turn on and off efficiently and not too often, the body can cope properly with the challenges it faces. Human bodies are well equipped to handle stress when it has sufficient resources and recovery time. However, life saving stress reactions can only be used so much before they need to be recuperated and replenished (Selye, 1946). Therefore, burnout can occur in any environment characterized by enduring chronic stress (Bianchi et al. 2014). Burnout in Parents. Inasmuch as parenthood presents a constant stream of potential stressors, and can be chronically stressful, researchers have recently begun applying the concept of
5
burnout to a parenting context. Though the literature on burnout as a construct goes back a few
decades, the research applying the construct to parenthood is in its infancy, beginning in 2007
(with one exception being Pelsma, 1989). With that, the current measures and definitions are
not so definitive. Stemming from work done on occupational burnout, researchers investigating
the topic of parental burnout have outlined four symptoms that define parental burnout and an
assessment tool with which to measure them. They are: (1) physical, mental and/or emotional
exhaustion (often shows up first and manifests as feeling like one cannot cope anymore); (2)
feeling “overloaded” and a “loss of pleasure from parenting;” (3) emotional distancing from
one's children (no energy to invest in an emotional relationship with one’s children); and (4)
having a stark contrast between the parent one thought they would be and the parent one feels
they that are (Mikolajczak & Roskam, 2019).
In their paper defining parental burnout, Mikolajczak and Roskam (2020) first
differentiate between parenting stress and parental burnout saying, “parental stress is perfectly
common, normal, and even necessary. Parental burnout occurs when parenting stress severely
and chronically overwhelms parents’ resources to cope.” The authors go on to explain that
parental burnout develops when the perceived demands of parenthood consistently exceed the
available resources (2019). In a parenting context, demands consist of all parental duties which
induce a stress response, and resources consist of any stress-reducing factor, such as support
from other caregivers, or relaxation time. The current Coronavirus pandemic has increased the
demands on parents and diminished their resources creating a situation ripe for parental
burnout, more discussion on this later (Griffith, 2020).
However, as is true with all burnout literature to date, there is debate over how distinct
the construct of burnout is from depression, and how accurately it can even be defined or
measured (Bianchi, Schonfeld & Laurent, 2015; Bornstein, 2020). The argument for a clear
distinction between depression and burnout posits that burnout typically manifests in one
domain of a person's life (parenting or work), while depression is not context specific and
manifests in all domains of life. However, researchers also debate whether or not it is even
possible to claim any single context (job, parenting, education) as the sole antecedent to one’s
burnout (Bornstein, 2020). All of the factors causing stress in a paren’t life will impact how
stressful they perceive the duties and demands of parenting to be. To this end, burnout is not
so cut and dry. The human stress response does not differentiate between constructs and so
there is no way to delineate what is context specific.
When looking at parental burnout it is also vital that we consider how it differs from
postpartum depression (PPD). The argument here stands that, while PPD is mainly due to
shifting hormones and occurs within the first year of a baby's life, parental burnout can occur
at any stage and most often occurs after the first few years of parenting (Pearlstein et all, 2009
& Mikolajczak, Gross, and Roskam, 2019). However, researchers believe there is a
fundamental problem with the dominant definition of burnout in the field at large, saying that
we simply cannot distinctly differentiate it from depression let alone PPD (Bianchi, 2015).
Motherhood in the United States today. One of the most robust research findings on
motherhood is mothers’ sense of guilt (Sutherland 2010). In the western world, American
mothers stand out, consistently reporting they feel unable to live up to cultural ideals of the
“good mother” and feeling as though they are failing (Sutherland, 2010; Collins 2021, Folbre6
2008). Some researchers say this is true because American society does not reward or value
care work and breadwinning carries a higher value than domestic duties and caregiving
(Collins, 2021). With lack of support for mothers and the intensive mothering expectations,
some say mothers are set up to fail (Sutherland, 2010; Collins 2021). As society in the U.S.
becomes more individualistic (Williams, 2000), and social infrastructures remain
underdeveloped (Collins, 2019), sustaining a self-sufficient nuclear family has placed
increasing demands on American parents, particularly mothers (Linton, 2019). Beginning with
the Industrial Revolution with white middle-class families, a consistent set of three hegemonic
ideologies began to impact how families made decisions about work and childrearing (Dow,
2015). Well recognized by researchers these ideologies are, (a) the father’s primary role is
breadwinning and the mother’s is childrearing (b) mothering should occur in a self-sufficient
nuclear family and (c) employment conflicts with motherhood (Dow, 2015). With these
ideologies have come time-intensive, child-centered parenting norms involving “high
contemporary standards for parental investments in children '' which falls disproportionately
on mothers (Ischizuka, 2018; Linton, 2019; Dow, 2015). Another current topic of discussion
amongst researchers is cognitive labor, a dimension of household labor which has been
historically overlooked but which is significantly taxing and falls disproportionately on
mothers (Daminger, 2019). Things such as anticipating needs, identifying options for filling
needs, making decisions, and monitoring progress are invisible demands which can contribute
to the stress load of mothers (Daminger, 2019).
Despite the three hegemonic ideologies of the Industrial Revolution listed above
remaining significantly dominant in present day America (Dow, 2015), the women’s rights
movement of the 1960’s and 1970’ initiated a return of mothers to the labor market (Cohany
& Sok, 2007). In 2015, 61 percent of mothers with young children were in the labor force (Jou
et al., 2018). Importantly however, according to some scholars, current ideologies still posit
that motherhood and employment are considered incompatible to American families
(Williams, 2000). This due heavily to the weak family support policies (Collins 2019) and high
childcare costs (Ruppanner, Moller & Sayer, 2019). In the U.S. currently, childcare costs take
up roughly 15 percent of married couples’ income in the most expensive coastal states (notable
considering the median income for married couples in those states is the highest in the nation),
and 7.5 to 10 percent of married couples’ average incomes in the rest of the country
(Ruppanner, Moller & Sayer, 2019). Such high costs of childcare, stands as a critical barrier to
maternal employment in the U.S. (Ruppanner, Moller & Sayer, 2019) as does nonexistent
maternity leave policies; the United States remains one of only three countries globally that
hasn't implemented a national paid maternity leave policy (WORLD Policy Analysis Center
2015). The only guarantee American working mothers have is the grossly insufficient Medical
Leave Act (FMLA), which only requires employers with over 50 employees to make 12 weeks
unpaid, job-protected leave available each year for qualified medical or family reasons to
employees who have worked 1250 hours in the last 12 months (The Family and Medical Leave
Act of 1993, as amended to 2009). Perplexingly however, employers are not required to cover
health insurance costs under FMLA, leaving families not only with a decrease in overall family
income postpartum, but also the hefty added expense of health insurance (Jou et al., 2016).
Despite research showing a trend in increasing father’s involvement in childrearing and
household duties (Ahn et al., 2017), alongside more mothers entering the labor force (Collins7 2019), the traditional ideologies steaming from the industrial revolution remain heavily influential to the lives of American parents (Dow, 2015). With the high price of childcare (Ruppanner, Moller & Sayer, 2019), no maternity leave policies (Jou et al., 2016), and ever increasing cost of higher education (Honu, Y. A. 2019), American mothers have overwhelming barriers to entering the labor force. This, compounded by the invisible cognitive labor taken on by mothers, it is vital that researchers turn their attention to burnout in American mothers in order to gain insight into their experience. Coronavirus Pandemic. The current COVID-19 pandemic has sparked a heightened concern for the stress load and mental health of parents with many of them having “increased responsibilities and fewer resources to manage these responsibilities” (Griffith, 2020). In the United States where the welfare state is poor and social safety nets are not effectively in place, mothers have been disproportionately relied on to provide daily childcare due to the COVID- 19 related school and childcare closures (Calarco et al., 2020). Before the COVID-19 pandemic, about 60% of young children in the United States regularly received childcare through school or another means (Modestino, Ladge, and Lincoln 2020). Calarco and her colleagues write that disruptions in childcare arrangements, coupled with intensive parenting culture will have a negative impact on mothers’ well being (Calarco et. al 2020). In their paper about working mothers in academia, Burk, Mausolf and Oakleaf (2020) write, “now that we are experiencing a serious pandemic, mothers are caught, tethered among a myriad of roles, constantly wondering if they are spending “enough” time “being” any of these.”All in all, because of the current pandemic, parental demands increased significantly while reliable resources and support systems were stripped away. Some say ramifications of the pandemic have created a prime breeding ground for motherhood burnout (Calarco et. al 2020). Purpose and research questions. With demands on American mothers continuing to grow (Sutherland, 2010; Collins 2021), it is timely that more research be done to understand exhaustion in American mothers. The purpose of this study is to better understand the lived experiences of burned out mothers in order to inform future research and add to the current body of knowledge regarding this topic of research. Focusing specifically on U.S. mothers with multiple young children in a stable relationship, this study asks: what are the lived experiences of mothers who are burned out?
8
Methods
Design
The primary purpose of this thesis was to better understand the lived experience of
exhausted mothers with multiple young children living in the United States. The research
methodology selected for this study was theoretical essentialist thematic analysis (Braun and
Clarke, 2006). This method was selected because of its flexibility as it is not tied to any pre-
existing theoretical framework. This allowed the researcher to gain more insight into the
situations leading up to burnout and the current lived experiences of the mothers being
interviewed.
A “social constructivist” worldview had some influence in how the data was collected
and analyzed (Berger & Luckmann, 1966/ 1991). A foundational assumption of the current
study was that American mothers would be willing to describe their experiences of feeling
exhausted and identify themselves as being significantly exhausted. American mothers of
young children answered a series of open-ended questions allowing for inductive investigation
of the topic being discussed. In the data, the mothers’ sentiments, experiences, perceptions, and
interpretations became apparent. The study was carried out after approval from the University
of Umeå Department of Psychology. Verbal informed consent was obtained and recorded from
each participant at the start of each interview. Informed consent was given in accordance with
the Declaration of Helsinki (World Medical Association, 2013). Participant data was recorded
and will be deleted upon completion and approval of this thesis.
Procedure and Materials
To select participants for this study, a online screening tool was developed using google
forms which included the following data points: 1) what state the mother lives in, 2) how many
children she has along with their ages, 3) how many hours she typically spends caring for her
children, 4) her current work situation, 5) whether or not she feels secure and supported in her
romantic relationship and lastly, 6) if she has ever been diagnosed with postpartum depression.
The screening tool also included the Shirom-Melamed Burnout Questionnaire as a measure of
exhaustion (Lundgren-Nilssons et al., 2012). The SMBQ is a 22 question tool designed to
measure burnout and the extent thereof using a seven point Likert scale. A web link to the form
was posted on multiple Facebook groups targeted at mothers in various U.S. states and included
a description of the study and ethical information. The same was posted on the researcher's
personal Instagram page.
An interview guide was developed to give structure and consistency to the interviews.
The guide included the following themes: 1) the impact of burnout on mothers and family
members 2) contributors and exacerbations of burnout 3) manifestations of burnout and, 4)
emotions, thoughts, and perceptions surrounding burnout.
Participants
Eighteen mothers filled out the screening tool. Two were excluded for having one child,
the rest met the selection criteria and were emailed to schedule an interview. Eight mothers9
responded and six participated in the study. At the time of the interviews, each of the
participants were living in a unique state of the United States of America. The following states
were represented: Georgia, Utah, Missouri, Florida, Iowa, and California. Four of the mothers
had three children, one of mothers had four children, and one had six children. Children were
all between the ages of 19 months and nine years of age. Three of the mothers reported that
they do not work. The other three mothers reported that they did work. Two mothers said they
worked “part time” or “seasonally” while another worked fifty or more hours per week. Five
of the participants were stay-at-home mothers at the time of the interview and spent eight or
more hours every weekday as the sole caregiver to at least one of her children. The particapnts
were each in a heterosexsual marriage of eight to twelve years which they reported as stable.
All of the participants reported having supportive partners with the same four of the mothers
identifying their partner as very supportive partners. Four of the mothers reported having been
previously diagnosed with postpartum depression while the other two reported not having been
diagnosed or “No but I think I should have been.” SMBQ scores ranged between 4.3 to 6.5. A
score of over 4.4 represents the clinical cut off for burnout and 4.0 represents the cutoff for risk
of burnout (Lundgren-Nilssons et al., 2012).
Qualitative Data Analysis
To protect the confidentiality of the mothers, data were de-identified before conducting
formal exploratory analyses (Stebbins, 2001). No identifiable information was reported in the
current thesis and pseudonyms were used when transcribing the data. As interview recordings
were played back, the researcher listened for meaning as she transcribed verbatim using the
guidelines outlined by Brinkmann and Kvale (2015). For complete data immersion and
accurate understanding of the experiences and context of the participants, the researcher
listened to the interviews using headphones and repeated what was said verbatim to voice
typing software which generated the transcription. Corrections were made where necessary.
This provided a thorough account of the verbal and non-verbal utterances spoken throughout
each interview (Braun & Clarke, 2006). Interviewing mothers one-on-one online in the comfort
of their own home provided a safe, effective and convenient way to conduct interviews where
mothers spoke openly and candidly about their lived experience. Semi-structured interviews
allowed the researcher to capture the participants’ feelings, perceptions, thoughts, and
understandings about their lived experiences with burnout. Open-ended questions gave room
for the mothers to describe their thoughts and experiences as they related to being burned out.
The 15-point checklist for “good thematic analysis” developed by Braun and Clarke (2006, p.
96) was referenced to analyze and identify themes in the data. The researcher:
1. Immersed herself in the data in order to become familiar with the experiences of each
of the individual mothers.
2. Searched for themes by collecting excerpts of data into individual documents for
analysis. The following questions were asked during analysis: (1) what is this mother
describing? (2) what does she care about? (3) what is she worried about? (4) what is
she trying to do? (5) what explains her behaviors, thoughts and actions?
3. Named and defined themes that represented the experiences described by each of the
mothers.10
4. Reviewed the themes checking that they worked according to the data and developed
the thematic map shown in Figure 1
5. Developed the current thesis by taking poignant quotations which represented the
various themes and by applying current literature to answer the research questions.
Findings
Four themes were identified across the data and within the transcripts. The first is
shame, which is woven throughout all of the themes as it was both a contributor, and a
consequence of burnout, and the absence thereof became a protective factor against burnout.
The second theme consists of the contributors to burnout, which included the demanding
aspects of self-sufficient mothering along with external and internal pressures perceived by the
mothers. External pressures came from social/cultural ideologies, with religious beliefs
exacerbated the pressures perceived from these ideologies. Health and safety recommendations
encompassed another external source of pressure which emerged from the data. Internal
pressures included, work/life/ childcare conflict, perfectionism and, social comparison. The
third theme which emerged upon analysis encompasses consequences and manifestations of
burnout. This includes feelings of resentment and going into survival mode, which both had a
negative impact on the mothers’ relationships. The final theme, protective factors, is also
divided into external and internal factors. The external factor being a validating partner, and
internal factors being the mothers’ shame, resilience and capacity to uphold boundaries. These
themes and subthemes are shown graphically in Figure 1. The findings from each of the themes
are now presented11
Theme 1: Shame/ Unwanted Identities
Participants in the present study were concerned with preserving their self ideal as
“noble mother,” “good wife,” “resilient woman,” and the like. They were concerned with
avoiding unwanted identities which opposed these ideals such as “bad mom, “bad wife” or
“lazy.” All of the mothers who participated in the study spoke of feeling guilty or
ashamed. Though the mothers often use the words guilt and shame interchangeably in their
talk, the distinction between the two terms in the research literature is highly critical to the
understanding of these mothers’ experiences. Where guilt says “I did/said/believed something
bad” shame says “I am bad.” (Brown, 2006) In other words, guilt is a “feeling that results from
behaving in a flawed or bad way rather than a flawed or bad self” which is shame (Brown,
2006). Brown argues that guilt is useful for developing a moral compass while shame is not
useful and often is very destructive (2006). Typically, when participants used the word “guilt”
during the interview, what they were actually describing was feeling ashamed (flawed self).
Shame played a major role as both a contributor, by avoiding unwanted identities and a
consequence where the mother perceived herself as deserving of an unwanted identity.
Experiencing less shame (having shame resilience), then emerged as a protective factor for the
mothers who did not perceive they possessed an unwanted identity.
1.1 Shame as a contributor: avoiding unwanted identities. As a contributor to burnout,
shame stemmed from the external and internal pressures the mothers perceived. The feeling
came up for mothers as they avoided unwanted identities by capitulating to the desires of those
whom they sought validation and approval from. This looked like breastfeeding when one
wanted to bottle feed or staying home full time when one wanted to work; both in order to
avoid the unwanted identity of “bad mom.” It also looked like staying silent when one’s partner
pursued personal hobbies at her expense, despite her desire to have a more equal distribution
of childcare responsibilities, this to avoid the unwanted identity of “bad wife.” Avoiding
unwanted identities also looked like working extra long hours to avoid feeling “insufficient”
or “lazy.” As a final example, it looked like not reaching out for help from others in order to
avoid the unwanted identity of “incompetent.”
1.2 Shame as a consequence: perceiving one possesses an unwanted identity. As a
consequence, shame was what came up when mothers’ perceived that their choices and
behavior stamped them with an unwanted identity. The mothers in this study felt ashamed of
their feelings of resentment towards their loved ones, particularly any anger they felt toward
their children. They felt ashamed of resorting to survival mode and not making choices in
alignment with their values. They felt ashamed of the mother they had become. All of the
participants described feeling guilty or ashamed for not being better or doing more as a mother.
Participant 1 describes feeling ashamed of not being satisfied with her role as mother saying,
“I deal with a lot of self doubt… some of it also makes me feel guilty (ashamed). It's like oh,
well I don't want to do this anymore. Oh, well yea, I'm a great mom (sarcasm). [What mother]
thinks that, you know?” Participant 6 perceives her capacity to homeschool as shamefully
inadequate saying:12
“I felt really guilty (ashamed) when [my child went] back to school and scored
in the 50th percentile. I [felt] like, “Oh... I failed you, you're behind because I
didn't do enough. And I wasn't on top of it. [I wasn’t] smart enough… I felt like
I just didn't do enough. Like I wasn't strict enough, or I wasn't interesting enough
or I wasn't prepared enough, or I wasn't patient enough to [homeschool]. And
then I [felt] like, “oh my goodness, I can't even teach my own kid!? I am such a
worthless mother! Because I can't even teach my own kid!””
She later adds, “I just don't see how I'm a good mom at all honestly… because I don't do any
of the things that I thought a good mom did.” As will quickly become evident, critical self talk
and feeling ashamed emerges consistently throughout the findings of this study.
1.3 Lack of shame as a protective factor. Mothers who could differentiate their unfavorable
behavior from their personal character described being less impacted by internal and external
pressures and felt less shame. These mothers felt badly about certain things, but they were less
concerned about avoiding unwanted identities. Mothers who felt guilty about their behaviours
which did not align with their values rather than ashamed of those behaviors, felt less
resentment and resorted less to survival mode. This will be discussed further in the final theme,
protective factors.
Theme 2: Contributors to Burnout
The mothers in this study described feeling overwhelming pressures both externally
and internally. Externally from health and safety recommendations and social/ cultural
ideologies exacerbated by religious beliefs, and internally through perfectionistic concerns,
social comparison and work/life/childcare conflict. Mothers were vigilant in their effort to
avoid negative identities such as “bad mom,” “bad wife,” “selfish,” or “weak.” Each mother
held her own distinct beliefs and ideologies about what she “should” be and “should” do in
order to avoid these unwanted identities and therefore each expressed various contributors to
her burnout. Impactful and persistent themes found in the data are discussed below beginning
with the demanding aspects of self-sufficient mothering and proceeding with the external and
internal pressures the mothers discussed.
2.1 Demanding aspects of Self-Sufficient Mothering
A foundational theme that emerged in the data was the demanding aspects of the
participants’ role as a modern mother, where social norms prescribe that mothers should be
self-sufficient. Participant 4 describes an instance of trying to meet the demands of her six
young children saying: “we were at the park today and [the kids are] like, “hey mom will you
push us?!” “Hey mom, I need to go pee!” “Hey mom spin me on this!” So I was like- oh my
gosh, I wished I was someone watching me right now! This is the “pew pew pew pew pew!”
(fires gun sound repeatedly) of motherhood!” Her analogy of a gun firing repeatedly is used to
illustrate her experience of an incessant loop of demands. Participant 3 speaks to a similar13
feeling, having her attention pulled in multiple directions when her three children are all home,
“I'm always hyper aware. I always... feel like I'm in four places at the same time because I need
to make sure everyone is okay.” Participant 1 also speaks to her experience of feeling
constantly “on call” as a mother:
“[My children] are just always in the back of my mind, because they are always
there; they need this and that and I need to keep tabs on everything. If I leave
[them alone] to try to do something or focus on something, then when I come
back somebody is going to have made a mess. It’s just a constant. So I could do
something, but I feel like then I would pay for it. I’m still [always] the caregiver.
I'm still on call. I have to be emotionally ready for that. Always.”
These samples are exemplary of the experiences of the mothers in this study who described
feeling overwhelmed and spread too thin. They all communicated having a constant stream of
demands they found difficult to keep up with.
2.2 External Pressures: Social/ Cultural Ideologies
All of the mothers in the current study described how social/ cultural ideologies in
America contributed to their becoming exhausted because of the pressure they felt to conform
to these ideologies and the unwanted identities they feared if they defied them.
2.2.1 Gender Norms. Participant 1 discusses how gender norms in American society
(compounded by her religious community) had a big impact on the choices her family made
when schools closed down due to the Coronavirus pandemic. She says the following:
“[My husband’s] life didn't change much. He went to work and came home and
it was all the same for him. And I told him… this was all the same for you but
I had to give up …[multiple] opportunities that I had. I mean everything stopped
[for me]. Now the kids are out of school and I’ve had to homeschool them
basically. ...I felt like all the work I had been doing to start trying to transition
out of the home, at least part time, was dried up in a day. ...but my husband's
life didn't change very much.”
Participant 6 tells of feeling frustrated with her partner for not supporting her interests outside
the home and relates this to gender norms:
“Anytime that I've had a job, it hasn't been as important as his. Because he's the
breadwinner. And he's like, “well this is just a hobby.” And I'm like, “dude I
watch the kids the whole time you're at work. You can watch them while I'm at
work and be supportive of that. And so I just resent the fact that for me to get a
break I have to plan and get a babysitter… and for him to get a break he just
relies on me. I am his break.”14
Lastly, participant 4 comments on how social norms focus blame on mothers over fathers and
add to the pressure she feels in public with her family. She says, “I feel like if we're late to
church, then people think, “oh its the mothers fault.” No one blames the father.” Later, this
mother speaks further to this point of gendered differences in expectation, saying that her
husband makes dinner as a sympathy to her needs. This shows how she believes dinner is her
responsibility and she perceives that she is failing at her role because she is “not willing to put
forth the effort.” She says,
“[My Husband] makes dinner. Just because he enjoyed it more. I don't know if
that's him, also being sympathetic to my needs because he knows I don't like to
make dinner. But then at the same time, I'm not willing to put forth the effort to
change it.”
This mother feels that she should be the one to make dinner, not her husband. Such social
cultural ideologies around traditional gender roles constituted an external pressure which
contributed to the participants’ shame and burn out.
2.2.2 Religious Beliefs. Three of the six mothers interviewed were active members of a high
demand religion called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS/ Mormon
church). The external pressure these mothers felt stemming from cultural ideologies were
exacerbated through their religious communities and the heavy “eternal consequences” of not
living up to them. These participants communicated feeling extra social pressure to measure
up to the standards and ideologies of their religious community. Participant 1 said the following
in regards to the LDS church:
“Idealization of motherhood is really strong in LDS culture. [It] comes over the
pulpit. ...The most important thing you'll ever do is be a mom... Anytime
women want to work outside the home or aspire outside the home it's always
like, “well I guess that's just what you have to do. I mean it's not ideal, but I
guess that's just what you have to do to be happy.” That’s what I’ve experienced,
that you're somehow broken if you can't handle being home with kids all day.
It's like a sign of weakness. I guess that’s what really bothers me. Because I
don't see that as weakness at all. But I feel like the (mormon) culture does. And
I feel like my husband does a little bit. Because that's always the verbage that's
used [at church]... There’s never any talk about women having gifts outside of
motherhood. The culture is very much like, “women stay home and take care of
their kids. Maybe [mothers] start to think about themselves when their kids are
older. That's the most acceptable thing to do.”
Participant 6 speaks to the pressure she feels to present herself and her family in a way that
would be deemed “good” by onlookers at church,
“I would be deemed a good mother if we were to church on time. And maybe
in church clothes. With church shoes. And so I think that I look like a really15
(deeper tone and emphasis) bad mom... who has no control over her children
and does not discipline them...or take care of them… especially around church
people.”
Participant 4 shared a similar sentiment saying, “all these other LDS moms are knocking it out
of the park and everyone's got curly hair on sunday. And I'm like... uh, my kids took a shower…
this week?” This mother describes the dichotomy of feeling pressure from her religious
community and, simultaneously, knowing that her family's outward appearance shouldn't
matter, particularly to those who are of faith. She later speaks of the significant pressure she
feels in regard to the spiritual consequences her inadequate parenting could have in the after
life saying:
“[My religious beliefs] made me feel more overwhelmed, and more like I was
failing. Because not only was I failing in an earthly mother context, I was also
failing as a child of God when I wasn't praying or reading scripture daily. And
feeling like I was failing in those aspects with my children as well.”
2.2.3 Work/ family/ childcare conflict. Mothers who worked, desired to work, or simply
wanted to utilize childcare in order to have time away from her children felt conflicted about
how to preserve her self-ideal as a “good mom.” Participant 5 speaks to the struggle of
balancing work and life when she says, “the lines of when you should work and when should
be home time have completely blurred. So you feel like you're just always working.” This
mother illustrates this with a story where she receives a work call just as she is about to put her
baby to sleep. She says, “I felt the pressure that I needed to [continue the work call]... but I also
felt like, my daughter is crying and my husband is waiting for me.”
A few of the mothers described feeling torn between wanting to work outside the home
and feeling it was best for her to stay home with their children full time. Participant 5 describes
having a deep love for her job and deciding to give it up to be a stay at home mother. She says,
“I loved [my job]. I also felt that tension, of not really seeing my kids. And so I decided to stay
home [full time]. But it was really really hard. I mean, it still is” Participant 1, an LDS mother,
says the following about her perception of the social ideology to stay home full time:
“We don't talk about options for women who have kids to work outside the
home [in my faith community]. “Oh well you're divorced? Oh, ok well of
course. Oh, well your husband can't [work]? Oh, well ok of course.” It's like,
when your husband is making more than enough for you to enjoy staying home
with your kids, but you're like, “I don't want to live this life.” And he's like,
“well you don't have any reason not to.” ...Then it becomes, “oh you're just
working for fun and for sanity? Oh well that's selfish!” ...You’re working for
yourself? You’re not doing it for anybody else?” It feels like every angle there's
always something like that.”16
Nearly all of the participants spoke of feeling guilty, ashamed or selfish for wanting
more time away from their children. Participant 3 describes herself as a “workaholic” and says,
“I feel guilty when I work those late hours because I feel like I'm taking away
from my family time...there have been many times when I feel like I'm not a
good enough mother because I am working on myself or my work.”
Participant 1 wishes she didn't have so many personal desires. She believes it would be better
for her family if she didn't have the desire to work outside the home,
“I feel guilty for ever wanting to do something else other than just be with [my
family] all the time. I feel guilty for having other interests outside of my family.
I feel like it's always such a constant juggling act and I kind of feel guilty for
the fact that I am juggling.”
The language this mother uses demonstrates that she feels something is wrong with her for
wanting to work outside the home. And so, we see that though she is using the word “guilt” in
this excerpt, what she's actually describing is feeling shame i that she feels there is something
wrong with her for having those desires. Participant 5 has decided to be home full time but tells
of her longing to work outside the home saying, “I see [an] opportunity and I'm constantly
thinking like, “oh maybe I should apply for that? Maybe I should do this job?” Because I think
I really struggle to find my worth outside of a job honestly.”
Childcare was a key component in the work/life conflict for women. Women who
wanted to work outside the home said that childcare was too cost prohibitive therefore they
didn’t perceive it as a viable option. Other mothers didn’t want to work but wanted more time
away from their children to help manage their stress load. However, these mothers conveyed
the belief that childcare was not the best thing for their children and/or not the noble thing for
a mother to do. Participant 6 believes her kids are miserable at school and thinks it would be
better for them to be homeschooled. However she puts them in school and feels ashamed for
wanting the time and space for herself saying, “I can't handle them at home… I need the break.
So I guess that’s where a lot of the guilt comes in… they are miserable [at school] so that I can
have a break.” Participant 2 describes being too ashamed to put her kids in daycare even though
her husband encourages it:
“I don't like putting them in daycare… because… there's just a lot of guilt. [My
husband says], just put them in daycare more [too manage burnout]. And I feel
guilty about putting them in daycare because I'm a stay-at-home mom. Why is
a stay-at-home mom putting her kids in daycare all the time? ...You know that
whole stigma.”
The pressure participants felt around work often was inextricably related to the pressures they
felt around childcare. Participant 3, the only participant who worked full time and utilized
childcare outside of school hours, perceived she was judged by other mothers for this choice:17
“So many people that I know are like, “oh, you put your kids in aftercare?”
(Emphasis added to imply shaming) And I'm like, well yeah, what do you do
with your kids?” And they're like, “oh I pick them up...and we hang out.” And
I think, okay so you don't work? Or do you work? How do you do that?”
She later admits that even when she told me that her children were in childcare until 17:30 she
questioned if I judged her for doing so. Several of the mothers wanted to put their kids in
childcare but felt it was irresponsible to place such a financial burden on the family. Participant
1 expressed a great desire to work outside the home but choose not too because of the cost of
childcare. She says, “childcare for 3 kids is too cost prohibitive. I just feel really stuck.”
Participant 5 shared a similar sentiment when she said, “It didn't really make sense to look for
jobs because...the cost of childcare versus what I would be making… didn’t add up.”
2.2.4 Health and Safety Recommendations. Some mothers also felt considerable pressure
stemming from the messages they received in regards to the proper care and nurturing of their
children. These mothers were greatly concerned with the health and safety of their children and
spoke of the struggle to balance recommended practices with their personal sanity. Participant
6 speaks to the pressure she feels around providing proper nutrition for her children on a day
to day basis. In order to simplify morning routines with her children, she gives them the same
breakfast food each morning. However, concerned that such lack of variatery is not sufficiently
meeting their nutritional needs she feels distressed, “I always feel like, “Oh my gosh are they
getting enough nutrients? ...Is it bad that I'm giving my kids instant oatmeal everyday? Do they
need something better to eat?” This participant also struggled heavily with breastfeeding but
felt she was not a good mother if she didn’t breastfeed. She says,
“The pressure to breastfeed was huge. Even though that was not what was best
for my mental health. But [professionals said], “you should give your baby the
best.” And everyone's opinion... as a new mom… I think that was the onset of
[my] exhaustion. …[because I got the message that] if you're not doing
everything as naturally as possible, then you’re a bad mother. ...I breastfed my
first one for 4 months and it was awful.”
For some of the mothers, the messages encompassing “self-care” present another external
pressure. Participant 5 finds the talk around “self-care” bewildering considering everything
else health professionals expect her to do. She says, “I find that the whole concept...of self
care...to be more confusing than helpful.” This mother later describes her first birth as being a
significantly traumatic experience. One in which she got a C-section she perceived as
unnecessary. This mother felt she had been pressured by health professionals to have the C-
section. She describes her birth experience as “traumatic” and says it was the catalyst to her
burnout:
“The C-section was a very traumatic experience and there was a long time where
I couldn't talk about it without crying… I have regrets about the birth. I don't
believe that the C section was necessary had a different doctor been present, but18
that's out of my control. That [birth] kind of started [my burnout]. And then I
think some healing started slowly over time.”
Lastly, this same participant describes how concerns related to the proper care and safety of
her children, (shaped by advice from health professionals) impacts how comfortable she feels
receiving help and support from other people. She describes how her extended family members
did not value and implement the advice of health professionals sufficiently from her
perspective. This contributed to her stress and influenced how often she sought out help from
them:
“I have to remind my [extended family member] every single time, even if
they’re just going to lay [my baby] down for a nap…[this] added to my
exhaustion. Even though it would help in other ways. Both of our moms would
always put our [infants] to sleep on their stomachs.”
Because health professionals in the United States advise always putting infants to sleep
one their backs to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, this mother did not feel at
ease when receiving support from other adults when her children were infants.
2.2 Internal Pressure: Perfectionism
Another theme that emerged in the data as contributing to the mothers’ burnout was
internal pressure discussed here through the lens of perfectionistic strivings and concerns.
Intensive parenting norms, and the American ideology that mothering should occur in a self-
sufficient nuclear family (Dow, 2015), influenced mothers’ perception of themselves. For
example, participant 4 speaks to her fears of negative evaluation by others (perfectionistic
concerns) saying, “My husband [will say] “so what if the kids do this or that?” Well I'm like,
“people are going to think we're bad parents!” “So what if they think we’re bad parents?” And
I'm like, “people can’t think we're bad parents!”” This mother further describes her internal
battle with perfectionistic concerns when she says,
“In my mind I was thinking, “I am going to do this wrong.” I was afraid that I
was going to do it incorrectly…[I think] I'm never going to be successful… [I
feel that] I'm not doing it right. It’s [not] so much that I think someone would
be doing it better. Because it's not that I typically compare myself to others, it's
just that I'm comparing myself within myself.”
This mother later commented on her perfectionistic concerns having a negative impact on her
marriage saying,
“I’m perceiving what I think [other people’s] opinion would be of our family.
Then I feel that stress, and try to send it out to my husband. I’ll be like, “uh if
we’re not on time people are going to, “blah blah blah” and so that puts a striff
[between us].”You can also read
