SYSTEMATIC AFFAIR RECOVERY THERAPY (SART) TM - Part 1: Infidelity as a Construct

SYSTEMATIC AFFAIR RECOVERY
  THERAPY (SART) TM

Part 1: Infidelity as a Construct &
Limitations of Other Treatment Models
 By Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT

 © Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

 Introduction:
   Professional Experience--How this training is going to complement your professional experience
   Reason for Attending the Workshop--The “why” behind taking the course will influence what
     you will you get out of it and how to apply it
 The Purpose of the Training:
   Knowledgebase
   Ambassadorship

 My Teaching Style:
   Interactive
   Non dogmatic

 Ground Rules for success:
   Engagement
   Application
   Reflection and tracking success and failures

 © Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

EXERCISE
 Throughout the workshop, you will be participating in the following activities:
 Dynamic Learning
 Introspective Viewing

 © Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

IMPORTANT
 Fact #1: Infidelity Is More Common than You Think:
    In 41% of marriages, one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional.
   74% of men and 68% of women say that they would have an affair if they knew they would
    never get caught.
   Therapist surveys have identified extramarital sex as a common reason given (46% of cases)
    for seeking treatment.
 Fact #2: Many Affairs Are Born in the Workplace:
    36% of men and women admit to having an affair with a co-worker.

 Fact #3: Infidelity Is a Clinically Challenging Issue that Clinicians Are Ill-Prepared to
 Treat:
   A survey of U.S. therapists revealed that therapists view infidelity as the third most difficult
    therapeutic issue to treat, and its impact is seen as the second most damaging to the client’s
    relationship.
   A recent survey of MFTs found that a large majority of those sampled (74%) felt their
    training programs had inadequately prepared them to deal with infidelity disclosure and
    treatment.
 © Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

INFIDELITY

 The phenomenon of infidelity has been in existence since the beginning of recorded human
  history and possibly earlier.
 Infidelity is a prevalent and cross-cultural human behavior.
 The devastating biopsychosocial impact of it on the dyads it affects and the social groups to
  which they belong was significate enough to warrant the development of laws, codes of
  conduct, and religious taboos to discourage its occurrence.

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

INFIDELITY
Early Civilization Lens:
 Dating back to about 1772 BC, the Code of
  Hammurabi of ancient Mesopotamia
  punished adultery by drowning.
 Ancient civilizations in India, Egypt, Rome,
  and Greece practiced Rhinotomy (amputation
  of the nose) as a punishment for adultery.
 Some Native American cultures, practiced
  bodily mutilations as punishment to an
  adulterous wife to prevent future infractions.
  Among the Aztecs, wives caught in adultery
  were occasionally impaled or stoned to death.

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

INFIDELITY
Religion Lens:
 The Hebrew Bible prohibits adultery in the
 seventh commandment, "Thou shalt not
 commit adultery," (Exodus 20:12). Leviticus
 20:10 prescribes capital punishment for
 adultery between a man and married woman.
 Under Muslim law, adultery is a violation of
 the marital contract and one of the major
 sins condemned by Allah in the Qur'an.
 Hindu texts present a range of views on
 adultery. Some texts view adultery as a sin,
 just like murder, incest, and bad deeds.
 Some Buddhist texts describe adultery as a
 form of sexual wrongdoing that originates
 from greed in a previous life.
  © Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

INFIDELITY
Modern Law Lens
 Asia: Adultery is a crime in Taiwan and the Philippines. It was a crime in Japan until 1947. Currently,
  adultery is not a crime in China, but is grounds for divorce.
 Europe: Adultery is no longer a crime in any European country.

 Latin America: Until the 1990s, most Latin American countries had laws against adultery. Adultery has
  been decriminalized in most of these countries.
 Australia: Adultery is not a crime in Australia. Under federal law enacted in 1994, sexual conduct
  between consenting adults is their private matter, irrespective of marital status.
 United States:
    As of 2018, adultery remains a criminal offense in 20 states, but prosecutions are rare.
    Although adultery laws are mostly found in the conservative states (especially Southern states), there
     are some notable exceptions, such as New York.
    Adultery is a felony in Idaho, Oklahoma, Michigan, and Wisconsin, and a misdemeanor in New York
     and Utah.
    Penalties vary from a $10 fine (Maryland) to four years in prison (Michigan).
© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

INFIDELITY
Modern Law Lens
 Asia: Adultery is a crime in Taiwan and the Philippines. It was a crime in Japan until 1947. Currently,
  adultery is not a crime in China, but is grounds for divorce.
 Europe: Adultery is no longer a crime in any European country.

 Latin America: Until the 1990s, most Latin American countries had laws against adultery. Adultery has
  been decriminalized in most of these countries.
 Australia: Adultery is not a crime in Australia. Under federal law enacted in 1994, sexual conduct
  between consenting adults is their private matter, irrespective of marital status.
 United States:
    As of 2018, adultery remains a criminal offense in 20 states, but prosecutions are rare.
    Although adultery laws are mostly found in the conservative states (especially Southern states), there
     are some notable exceptions, such as New York.
    Adultery is a felony in Idaho, Oklahoma, Michigan, and Wisconsin, and a misdemeanor in New York
     and Utah.
    Penalties vary from a $10 fine (Maryland) to four years in prison (Michigan).
© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

 How come a personal matter between a couple became a crime against society and an offense
  to God?
 How does conceptualizing infidelity as a crime and or a sin affect the following:
   The subjective experience of the unfaithful and the betrayed partners to the discovery of the
     affair? How do they see themselves, and how does this self-perception affect the healing
     journey and future interactions?
    The interpersonal relationship they have with family, neighbors, co-workers, friends, and
     society?
    Their willingness to admit to infidelity and willingness to seek help?

 How does this affect how we conceptualize infidelity as a clinical problem, and how does this
  impact the effectiveness of your intervention?
 How do you think you would react if you were betrayed?

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

CURRENT

 Many researchers and authors have attempted to provide counselors with various explanations
  for the etiology of infidelity as well as some of the clinical approaches to treat it.
 Proposed models included attachment theory, behavioral therapies, emotionally focused
  couples’ therapy, narrative and social constructionist models, and various integrative therapy
  and interpersonal models.
 Despite the abundance of published books and articles about the subject matter, a
  comprehensive review of the literature reveals major limitations in the current treatment
  methods.

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

TREATMENT
METHODS

 Limitation #1: Most treatment models focus on infidelity as a symptom of a relationship’s
  dynamic issues that led one or both partners to be unfaithful:
    Reframing infidelity as a reflection of relationship problems implies that both partners
     contributed equally to the etiology of infidelity and thus minimizes the influence of the
     social, gender, and power processes on the etiology of infidelity.
    As a result, the betrayed partner’s need in the therapeutic process is often ignored or
     overlooked due to the counselor’s tendency to jump to the dyadic factors that caused the
     affair. Ignoring the non-dyadic factors contributing to the affair increases the chance for
     relapse.

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

TREATMENT
METHODS

 Limitation #2: In the current available treatment methods, the sociocultural context of
  infidelity is often ignored in therapeutic and clinical work:
    This is evident in the assumption of equal power between partners, the reframing of
     infidelity as a relationship problem, and the lack of understanding of the impact that power
     and gender influence has on the etiology of infidelity.
    In some treatment methods, the socio-cultural processes were introduced as part of the
     etiology discussion. The clinical intervention strategy did not have any specific steps to deal
     with those factors

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

TREATMENT
METHODS

 Limitation #3: The operational definition of infidelity is based on heteronormative bias:
    Western societies have a long-standing view of monogamy as the ideal standard of sexual
     fidelity and sexual behavior.
    This view of monogamy is rooted in the narrow view of sexual activity as a utilitarian
     behavior for the sole purpose of procreation.
    In this system, heterosexual monogamous behavior became the gold standard of health and
     appropriate sexual identity and practices while other non-procreation sexual activities and
     identities became devalued and pathologized.
    This confined the scope of infidelity to the narrow boundaries of emotional and sexual
     exclusivity.

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

(SART)

 SART was developed to provide counselors of all levels with a strategic and adaptive treatment
  method for helping couples heal from the trauma of sexual and emotional affairs.
 The treatment method is based on extensive clinical work with clients dealing with infidelity
  and a comprehensive analysis of the existing body of literature about infidelity treatment and
  etiology.
 It is designed to help clients heal from the trauma of affairs whether as couples or individuals
  by completing 7 milestones of recovery.
 The milestones were developed to address the shared, universal clinical struggles experienced
  by clients dealing with the trauma of infidelity regardless of their various backgrounds.
 The main goal is to provide marriage counselors with a strategic blueprint of recovery that can
  help clients heal from the trauma via concrete steps and measurable outcomes.

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

INFIDELITY
   The Use of Appropriate Terminology:
    Do any of you know what the proper terminology to use is?
    The literature review reveals a lack of a common phrase or a name for the phenomenon.
     Infidelity is merely one of many terms that has been used by researchers over the years.
    Other terms that have been used by researchers include:
       Cheating
       Adultery
       Extra Dyadic Behavior
       Affairs
       Unfaithfulness
       Victim
       Perpetrator
       Involved partner
       Receiving partner

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

EXERCISE

The Use of Appropriate Terminology:
   What terms do you use to describe the phenomenon, your clients, and the other individual
    involved in the affair?
   What is the connotation of each one of these terms?
   How do these connotations affect the therapeutic alliance, clinical formulations, and
    emotional wellbeing of your clients?
   What is the relationship between the term you used and your personal bias via culture,
    religion, morality, and personal experience?

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

INFIDELITY
The Use of Appropriate Terminology:
 Adultery: derives from a French word, avoutre, which in turn evolved from a distinct Latin
  verb, adulterare, “to corrupt.” The verb adulterate, “to debase or make impure by adding
  inferior materials or elements,” stems from the same source.
 Cheating: "to escheat, to seize as an escheat," a shortening of the Old French escheat, legal term
  for revision of property to the state when the owner dies without heirs, literally, the meaning of the
  verb evolved through "confiscate" (mid-15c.) to "deprive unfairly" (1580s), to "deceive, impose
  upon, trick."
 Infidelity: unfaithfulness or disloyalty to a person (originally to a sovereign, by 16c. to a lover or
  spouse), from French infidélité (12c.) or directly from Latin infidelitatem (nominative infidelitas)
  "unfaithfulness, faithlessness,"
 Extradyadic Activity: extradyadic refers to a wide range of behaviors occurring outside of a
  committed relationship.
 It is important to let you clients know what the terminology you are using is and why you are using
  them. This can help in modeling and reframing the problem

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

INFIDELITY

Definition & Clinical Formulation
 One the first obstacles one may encounter while researching infidelity is the lack of an agreed
  upon operational definition of infidelity.
 Studies found a great variation between how researchers and laypeople conceptualize infidelity
  as a construct, which influences how they define it.
 Laypeople define infidelity in a broad and multifaceted fashion rather than listing very specific
  behaviors like kissing, flirting, etc.
 Another difference can be seen in the language used by laypeople to define infidelity, which tends
  to have a moral connation when compared to the language used by researchers who often use
  value-neutral terms like extradyadic activity.

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

INFIDELITY

Definition & Clinical Formulation
 What is the implication of this for researchers and research findings?
 From a research stand point , the way infidelity is defined as a construct impacts what we know
  about its prevalence rate. The estimated prevalence rate of infidelity in the literature is
  anywhere between 1.2% to 85.5% depending on the operational definition the researcher used.
 Studies also found that couple’s counselors differ in their perception of what sexual and
  emotional behavior constitutes an act of infidelity.

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

EXERCISE
Definition & Clinical Formulation
 What is your definition of infidelity?
 Is it going to work for all types of relationships?
 Is it going to be something that your clients can agree on?
 How is the lack of consensus going to influence the therapeutic alliance and clinical
  formulation?

 © Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

INFIDELITY
Definition & Clinical Formulation
 From a clinical standpoint, having consensus about the definition of the presenting problem is
  crucial for establishing a clear treatment plan as well as a therapeutic alliance between
  members of the dyad and the counselor.
 This means that you must share your definition of infidelity with your clients at the onset of
  treatment to set the stage.

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

CLINICAL PRACTICE

 Video #2:
 Bi-racial couple in late 30s.
 Been together for 4 years.
 Started the relationship with one another via an affair.
 Both were engaged in multiple mixed affairs that took place 3 years ago.

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

INFIDELITY
Creating a Cross-Cultural Definition:
 The operational definitions of infidelity in the current literature are based on heteronormative bias.
 Western societies have a long-standing view of monogamy as the ideal standard of sexual fidelity
  and sexual behavior.
 This view of monogamy is rooted in the narrow view of sexual activity as a utilitarian behavior for
  the sole purpose of procreation.
 In this system, heterosexual monogamous behavior became the gold standard of health and
  appropriate sexual identity and practices while other non-procreation sexual activities and identities
  became devalued and pathologized.
 This confined the scope of infidelity to the narrow boundaries of emotional and sexual exclusivity.
 I needed to come up with a definition that can accomplish the following:
    Accommodate non traditional relationships.
    Accommodate a wide range of vastly different worldviews.
    Allow for therapeutic accountability without the influence of actual or misperceived personal
     bias.
© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

INFIDELITY

Creating a Cross-Cultural Definition:
 This definition is built on my theoretical and clinical view of relationships as bonds that we
  seek to build with other people to fulfill emotional and sexual needs.
 This premise dictates that such a bond lends itself to the same concept of any kind of
  partnership. When we commit to a relationship, there should be an agreed upon set of
  expectations that define what and how each one of our emotional and sexual needs should be
  met by our partner.
 Any deviation or exception from that agreement without the consent of your partner constitutes
  an act of infidelity.

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021

INFIDELITY
 Infidelity:
    Is a conscious breach of a contract of exclusivity with the partners in the dyad. It’s engaging
     in any need-fulfilling behavior with someone outside the dyad without the consent of
     current partners.
    I am talking about the behaviors that are motivated by the desire to fulfill emotional or
     sexual needs that are supposed to be fulfilled exclusively by the partners in the dyad based
     on the expressed and implied expectations that members of the dyad have of each other.
    This breach of contract manifests through having emotional, sexual, and mixed affairs.
    What are your thoughts about this definition? (feel free to add or subtract some of the
     component that might be missing from this definition for you because it’s vital that you use
     a definition that you are comfortable with.

© Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem, PsyD, LMFT 2021