Write ON! Humour Autumn 2018 - A quarterly e-zine for the Mississauga Writers Group

Page created by Gladys Hansen
 
CONTINUE READING
Write ON! Humour Autumn 2018 - A quarterly e-zine for the Mississauga Writers Group
A quarterly e-zine
      for the
   Mississauga
  Writers Group

Write ON!
Humour
Autumn 2018
                      1
Write ON! Humour Autumn 2018 - A quarterly e-zine for the Mississauga Writers Group
from An Universal Etymological English Dictionary by Nathan Bailey, 1756

                                   2
Write ON! Humour Autumn 2018 - A quarterly e-zine for the Mississauga Writers Group
Table of Contents

The Pitfalls of Being a Kept   Susan Lee                p. 4
Woman
Funny Is Funny                 Brian O’Connor           p. 8
Edgar and the Mouse            Edgar Frondozo           p. 12
Personal Reflections on        Elizabeth Banfalvi       p. 15
Humour
Charlie Chaplin                Sajeda Manzoor           p. 18
Writing Exercises                                       p. 20
Call for Submissions                                    p. 22
Write ON! in the Future                                 p. 23
Who Are We?                                             p. 24

                          Wicked Wit from Wise Writers

    It's splendid to be a great writer, to put men into the frying pan of your
                  imagination and make them pop like chestnuts.
                                  - Gustave Flaubert

                                            3
Write ON! Humour Autumn 2018 - A quarterly e-zine for the Mississauga Writers Group
The Pitfalls of Being a Kept Woman
                                      Susan Lee

After being laid off in my early 50’s, I       circumstances did not turn out as well
decided it was the right time to               as I had expected.
become the elusive “kept woman”. Yes,
                                               A kept woman is expected to do the
that meant going back to the Stone
                                               following:
Age and having “THE MAN” support
me emotionally and financially. I felt            1) Cook breakfast, lunch and
that I had put in my time working                    dinner, and have it nutritious
since I was 16 years old, and I                      and delicious every single time.
                                                     My previous cooking efforts
deserved a break and a little
                                                     consisted of making a snappy
pampering. Another core reason for
                                                     meal out of the almost-dead
me dropping out of the rat-race was
                                                     vegetables in the fridge and
the inhumane drive that I had on the
                                                     the frost-bitten meat in the
dreaded 401. I woke up at 5:00 a.m.                  freezer. The expectations were
and left my home at 6:00 a.m, driving                much lower then. Now, you have
to North York from Mississauga. The                  to be Martha Stewart’s star
sight of the moon in the morning gave                student if you are not working.
me an uneasy feeling and, in my mind,                I naively thought that I would
I knew that there was something                      actually enjoy cooking more if I
clearly not right about this. While on               did not have to work. I spent
the 401, if you saw an aerial view of                hours studying cooking shows on
my little Scion, it would be boxed in on             TV and thought, “That looks
                                                     easy.” But these shows leave
all sides by tractor trailers. Either
                                                     out all the time-consuming
that or I would be the car most of the
                                                     parts of shopping, measuring,
morons chose to cut off because they
                                                     cutting, and actual cooking time,
just didn’t get to bully enough kids in
                                                     which also conveniently leaves
high school. I bet if I looked like                  out all the pots and pans and
Arnold Schwarzenegger, they wouldn’t                 utensils that need to be
be picking on me. So when I was laid                 washed. So I went back to my
off, I felt that I could finally have                tried-and-true recipes which
the career I always dreamed of: being                consisted of using garlic, onion,
a Kept Woman! However,                               soy sauce and oyster sauce. I
                                                     recently made some carrot
                                                     muffins that ended up looking

                                           4
Write ON! Humour Autumn 2018 - A quarterly e-zine for the Mississauga Writers Group
and tasting like a piece of rock.           with you. I attended a health
   I officially gave up on the whole           club, and I noticed that it was
   baking idea. There is some                  packed during the day. (Don’t
   mystical magic involved which I             these people work?) Most of
   do not have access to. Besides,             the women there were stay-at-
   nothing can equal a Cobs Bread              home moms in their 20’s or 30’s
   scone. I don’t care if it contains          and/or young single women
   unhealthy things.                           whose bodies were not yet
2) Be very frugal. If you do not               showing signs of cellulite or
   work, you can spend your hours              stretch marks. So yes, it can be
   scanning the supermarket                    lonely. At work, there is always
   flyers and coupons so you can               some juicy gossip and some
   save that extra $1 on your food             angry griping going on, which
   bill. Also, you must get your               makes for interesting
   food at several supermarkets,               conversation. I also noticed
   wherever there is a sale. Oh,               that my working friends are not
   and you can forget about                    all that happy of my new status
   shopping for clothes. There is              of Kept Woman. One so-called
   no need to buy fancy designer               friend actually seemed shocked
   clothes if the highlight of your            that I was going to do this and
   day is going to Freshco. I simply           told me to get a job right away!
   cannot stop having my hair dyed             She made it seem like my brain
   as, without this being done                 would turn to mush if I spent
   every 3 weeks, I would look 100             my days watching the Young and
   years old. But since I am not               the Restless and lounging out by
   working, I must do this myself              the swimming pool.
   and end up with black spots all          4) Spend more time pleasing your
   over my bathtub and shower                  man. This means being more
   walls. I’m suddenly very                    agreeable and follow his every
   conscious about eating out. It              lead… Not Happening! He should
   used to be a celebration on                 have known that right from the
   Fridays, and we could eat out as            beginning that I was not the
   a family. Now, we are lucky if              stereotypical Asian woman who
   we get to go to McDonald’s or               is quiet and sweet. This could
   have a kiddie cone at Baskin                be because I was born in
   Robbins.                                    Trinidad and not China. No,
3) Make new friends with people                scratch that: my sister-in-law is
   who have nothing in common                  from China and she is nothing

                                        5
Write ON! Humour Autumn 2018 - A quarterly e-zine for the Mississauga Writers Group
like the stereotype either. I am               equally uncertain in the realm
probably more tired now than                   of budgeting and finances, I
before, what with all the                      think we will be in trouble.
cooking and cleaning I have to
do. I noticed that when I
                                        In summary, being a Kept Woman is
worked, there was more
                                        not it’s all cracked up to be. Maybe
assistance with chores than
when I became Kept. Every               the rules are different for “Trophy
morning, I see all the breakfast        Wife”. No, that would mean I’d be
dishes piled up in the sink. No         with a guy who was twice my age: I’d
one cleans the bathrooms or             have to be quiet and subservient, and
vacuums or mows the lawn.               maintain my stunningly good looks with
What am I, a live-in maid now?          face lifts, tummy tucks, and Botox.
I think that my husband feels a
little less happy now as he has         Going back to work doesn’t seem so
the honour of having to “man            bad after all.
up” and support me until death                                ©Susan Lee 2018
does us part. Since we are both

                                   Susan
                                    Lee
                            Susan is an aspiring
                          writer and a member of
                             the Mississauga
                           Writers Group. Her
                         writing focuses on using
                          humour to make sense
                         of the world around her.
                         She can be contacted at
                          info@mississaugawrit
                            ersgroup.com by
                          referencing her name.

                                    6
Write ON! Humour Autumn 2018 - A quarterly e-zine for the Mississauga Writers Group
Wicked Wit from Wise Writers

I was sorry to hear my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they
have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and
                         I am not feeling very well myself.
                                   - Mark Twain

                                         7
Write ON! Humour Autumn 2018 - A quarterly e-zine for the Mississauga Writers Group
Funny Is Funny
                                  Brian O’Connor

Though the number of available                wanted to hear jokes or see someone
channels were limited, television was a       being funny. Yet, beyond the mask,
very influential medium on me, as a           there was often a deeper level of
preteenager, growing-up during the            meaning being offered by the
late 1960s and early 1970s. I enjoyed         Performer -- if you chose to listen. A
watching the Montreal Expos play              message, or an idea to ponder, or
professional baseball against other           different perspective to take into
American teams, and occasionally              consideration. Reverently, I would
being able to watch Bobby Orr play            plant myself in front of the television
hockey for the Boston Bruins, and             to watch the weekly broadcast of The
witnessing the thrill of the Hamilton         Red Skelton Hour on CBC, every
Tiger Cats becoming the 1972 Grey             Tuesday evening at 8 p.m. I didn't
Cup Champions of the Canadian                 even know why I had to watch that
Football League. Television provided          particular show; I just knew that I
me with a window into the chaotic             did. It had become addictive, and the
current events of the day, much of            world shut-down around me, as I
which seemed overly complicated and           watched this seemingly gentle and
depressing to me. On the other hand,          kind-hearted man, whose name I
I remember watching, in awe, the              originally thought was Red Skeleton,
first lunar landing, and the activities       performing humour skits in the form
of human astronauts traversing the            of a pair of talking vultures, or the
surface of the Moon, as it was                simplistic charm of Clem
somehow being televised back to               Kadiddlehopper or the sad humour of
Earth.                                        Freddie the Freeloader. I learned
                                              that humour could have a heart.
As if that wasn't enough, television
also provided me with opportunities to        Similarly, I enjoyed watching the
better understand life through the            weekly broadcasts of The Carol
lens of laughter. I had become                Burnett Show. She also demonstrated
fascinated by the different types of          her own kind of sincerity through her
television comedians, who had more to         comedy skits. I remember being
offer than just telling jokes and being       criticized for watching such light-
funny. I discovered that humour could         hearted comedies, but her show had
act like a mask designed to provide           Tim Conway, who regularly tormented
entertainment to those who only               his fellow actors with some unscripted

                                          8
Write ON! Humour Autumn 2018 - A quarterly e-zine for the Mississauga Writers Group
comment or gesture, causing them to          antidotes, her cackling laugh,
struggle to suppress a fit of                outrageous hair, and tacky wardrobe.
uncontrollable laughter.                     She taught me that you can laugh at
                                             yourself, because no one is without
It was Jonathan Winters who                  flaws -- whether we recognize our own
unhinged me the most, whenever I was         idiosyncrasies or not. Rodney
lucky enough to find him on TV.              Dangerfield also provided his own
Looking more like a plain and slightly       unique over-the-top style of self-
plump salesman in a department store         disparaging humour that countered
than a comedian, he had a knack for          the delusional importance of the "me"
starting an expressionless story, and        generation.
then adding some facial contortions to
deliver a hilarious ending. It's no          Through such television shows as the
wonder why he was such a comedic             Smothers Brothers, I saw that
influence for Robin Williams.                comedy could also be a team sport.
                                             Tom and Dick Smothers bounced
Pat Paulson was another master at            comedy off of each other, like tennis
delivering deadpan humour; in                players lobbing a ball to score a point.
contrast to Paul Lynde, who seemed to        They demonstrated to me that
enjoy his own clever humour as much          humour could mask certain types of
as his audience. I enjoyed watching          social and political messages, that
Flip Wilson's weekly television show,        sometimes got them into trouble. Dan
as well as the vinegary comedy of            Rowan and Dick Martin's Laugh-In TV
Redd Foxx on the Sanford and Son             series did a better job of humorously
series. It never dawned on me that           showcasing political and social issues,
race or gender could hinder the              even to the point of attracting then-
delivery of comedy. On the contrary,         President Richard Nixon to make his
I found it insightful to see life            own brief cameo appearance.
portrayed and expressed from so
many different angles, by so many            Closer to home, Johnny Wayne and
different voices. After all, I believe       Frank Shuster were a national
that funny is funny, regardless of who       treasure as a comic duo whose
delivers the quip.                           television specials were were as funny
                                             as any American offering. They often
Phyllis Diller was an absolutely             seemed to demand an appreciation of
hilarious comedienne to me, because          history in order to better comprehend
she could find humour at her own             their style of humour. I was
expense; through self-derogatory             impressed with their success in the

                                         9
Write ON! Humour Autumn 2018 - A quarterly e-zine for the Mississauga Writers Group
United States but also proud of their          funny? Maybe it's some kind of
ongoing loyalty to Canada.                     personal defence mechanism against
                                               biting satire, or an unconscious
Early on, I realized that humour could         reaction to appreciating the fact that
be wielded like a weapon. Strangely, I         the joke wasn't aimed at one's self. I
was attracted to Don Rickles and Joan          don't know. All I do know is that
Rivers, who could inflict razor-sharp          humour has many facets, which makes
humour on their intended targets. I            it more complex and fascinating than
would find myself laughing, in spite of        just simply being funny. It's an
being uncomfortable by their cruel             experience that can be delightful,
words or exaggerated statements.               insightful, and sometimes even
That aspect of humour has always               frightful.
confused me the most. How can
something so disrespectful be so                               ©Brian O’Connor 2018

                                          Brian
                                     O’Connor

                                 When he’s not teaching
                                    at one of the local
                                  colleges or working on
                                 an IT services contract,
                                  Brian enjoys writing.

                                          10
Wicked Wit from Wise Writers

I am a writer. If I seem cold, it 's because I am surrounded by drafts.
                          - (Unknown Author)

                                  11
Edgar and the Mouse
                                 by Edgar Frondozo

One summer day, a mouse entered the             tell your friends not to come inside
house through the slightly open door.           the house!"

"Eek!" Andrea screamed. "Catch it! Kill         Edgar poked with a chopstick at the
it!"                                            tiny feet to free the mouse. But the
                                                more he poked, the more the mouse
"No, it’s just trying to survive,” Edgar        got stuck—first, the back legs, then,
replied. “It will leave as soon as it           the left side of the body. Determined
finds some food."                               to free the mouse, Edgar got the
                                                garden hose and sprayed a jet stream
That night, Edgar left the door ajar            of water between the mouse and the
and placed some cheese just outside.            glue pad. But the mouse was not
                                                dislodged. Drenched and drowning, the
In the morning, instead of leaving, the         mouse was now hopelessly stuck.
mouse invited family and friends.
                                                "I thought you didn’t want to hurt the
Mice were everywhere: under the                 mouse!" Andrea observed. "You are
stairs, behind the bookshelf, inside            torturing it! Just kill it and end its
the piano.                                      misery!"

"Maybe, you should open the windows             "I can't!" Edgar gazed at the poor
too!" Andrea exclaimed.                         mouse.

Disappointed by the rodent's                    "Drown it in a bucket of water!"
betrayal, Edgar reluctantly and with            Andrea suggested.
heavy heart bought mouse traps and
glue pads, and placed them                      "I can't kill it!" Edgar repeated.
strategically around the house. The
first mouse caught was tiny, about              "I'm sorry, Squeaky!" Edgar said to
twice the size of his thumb, its two            the mouse as he took the glue pad
front legs stuck on a glue pad.                 outside and on to the street. He
                                                placed the glue pad on the road. He
"Poor little thing!" Edgar said to              couldn't look as the first car passed
himself as he carried the glue pad              and heard the clack, clack, clack when
outside. "I will set you free so you can        the glue pad stuck to the tire.

                                           12
In the next few days all the mice left,        ©Edgar Frondozo 2018
having heard what happened to
Squeaky.
                                          

                                      Edgar

                                   Frondozo
                               Edgar is a retired IT
                               professional. He lives
                                with his wife and a
                                 Paperanian named
                               Turon in Mississauga,
                                  Ontario. He is
                               currently a consulting
                               partner of Slingshot
                               VoIP, a mobile office
                                  communications
                                network. He writes
                                 mostly about his
                               experiences with his
                                  grandchildren.

                                          13
Wicked Wit from Wise Writers

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

                           -   Douglas Adams

                                  14
Personal Reflections on Humour
                                Elizabeth Banfalvi

What makes you laugh? Is it a joke?            My children were a great target for
Is it a comedy routine that you have           my humour—and still are, but they
seen? Is it being between great                have added my grandchildren now. We
friends and you are having fun? That           have had many a laugh, and they
is the best—when you don’t need                developed great senses of humour. My
anything else but companionship to             older grandson played hockey, and I
find something humorous to laugh               stood and listened to him talking to
about.                                         another player. Every second
                                               adjective was the same, and it started
Humour is so amazing for so many
                                               with a “f” and contained a “k”. It was
reasons. It releases us from our
                                               something I was used to with all the
stress and gets us to see things
                                               hockey players, so it didn’t bother me.
differently. One thing I always did
                                               It was their way of letting off steam.
when I was working at my admin jobs
                                               Any hockey game you watch has the
was getting my co-workers to laugh –
                                               same thing going on. To tease my
sometimes it worked and sometimes,
                                               grandson after the player left, I told
unfortunately, it didn’t. Some people
                                               him about all the other wonderful
were more stressed out than others
                                               adjectives in the English language and,
and they wanted to stay that way.
                                               of course, he just shrugged and
Work was easier when we laughed
                                               started walking away. He turned back
together. We always had something to
                                               and said he could add “Mother” to it! I
talk or just unconsciously laugh about,
                                               laughed because it sounded too much
about our families or daily happenings.
                                               like me to attempt anything further.
It made the day brighter and shorter.
Work shouldn’t be just about work: it          I have gone through many happenings
should be about people who work, and           in my life, and humour has saved me so
we were that. I retired a few years            many times. I have dealt with my older
ago, and what was such a beautiful             son dying, a marriage break-up and
thing I was told by one of my fellow           cancer all in ten years. I cannot think
workers was that she missed my laugh.          where I would be if humour wasn’t
(I guess she forgave me for                    there to brighten my day. At the
everything else I did to her. I was her        darkest, something happened and I
constant tease about everything,               laughed, and it brightened the time.
including her kids, but it was done in         I teach stress workshops, and humour
good humour and mainly to make her             is the best thing I can bring to my
ease up from her work stress.)                 workshops – I always infuse laughter

                                          15
into the happenings. It teaches the             things that we do or exchanged
participants that stress can have               glances with someone who does it.
humour and it’s good to infuse your             Learn to brighten someone else’s life
life with it. Nothing is 100%, and              and you will be the one who benefits
neither should stress be that. Learn            the most from it. Learn to laugh at
to laugh and lighten the load. I teach          yourself, because life just isn’t as
them by asking them questions about             serious as what we think. I have the
their childhood and what made them              best life because it gives me the best
happy. It is the most innocent time of          examples of being totally humorous
their lives, so to recapture that they          without trying.
learn to be able to laugh again. We are         Find the humour in every moment and
so ingrained in what we are doing at            you will be amazed at how life will be
the present time, we forget that                better. Go for it!
laughter can be part of that.
                                                             ©Elizabeth Banfalvi 2018
Humour doesn’t have to be big or
overwhelming. It can be the little

                                       Elizabeth
                                        Banfalvi
                                 Elizabeth Banfalvi is
                                     the author of
                                   Meditation book
                                 series, and conducts
                                 workshops on stress
                                     relief naturally &
                                        meditation.

                                           16
Wicked Wit from Wise Writers

When I was a little boy, they called me a liar, but now that I am a grown up they
                                call me a writer.
                            - Isaac Bashevis Singer

                                       17
Charlie Chaplin
                                     Sajeda Manzoor

Humor is an interesting topic to write            In my childhood, we had only black and
about because life without humor                  white television. Charlie Chaplin’s
would be boring—just like life without            movies were telecasted on weekends
cold cappuccino, pop, smoothies,                  by a special channel. There were no
yummy food, watching a comedy movie,              YouTube channels, cellphones, tablets,
music and visiting the beach. I always            computers or internet at that time.
like to watch comedy movies and TV                We are so blessed to have these
episodes. I will write today about the            amenities now. We used to wait for
funniest person in the world who made             weekends to watch Charlie Chaplin’s
trillions of people laugh with his                movies, or sometimes we went to the
actions and gestures. He is the                   theatre. His movies were really funny.
superhero of comedy movies: Charlie               I enjoyed them with my family and
Chaplin.                                          friends. I used to laugh and laugh—
                                                  sometimes, I could not stop. I will
When I decided to write about humor,
                                                  mention one of his movies, The Kid. It
Charlie Chaplin’s funny movies flashed
                                                  was released in 1921. This is the great
into my mind. He was a great actor
                                                  picture upon which the famous
who made so many generations laugh
                                                  comedian worked for a whole year. I
with his mischievous acting. The sweet
                                                  have watched more than a thousand
little man with a bowler hat, a funny
                                                  episodes of his work. Children and
mustache and cane was an iconic
                                                  adults have tried to mimic him, and so
figure of the silent-film era. He was
                                                  many other artists and comedians
one of the most popular actors,
                                                  followed him, but they were not
writers and directors. Since
                                                  successful like the great comedian.
childhood, I’ve loved to watch his
                                                  His body language and style of walking
black and white movies. His acting,
                                                  and laughing were phenomenal.
actions and gestures made people
laugh so much, as if they’d had                   One more movie I will mention is The
laughing gas. He was an epic actor                Great Dictator, which was nominated
with incredible skills. I think it is very        for five Academy Awards. He was, I
difficult to make people laugh without            think, the most talented British actor
words, only through action.                       and comedian. He was born in London,
                                                  England on April 16, 1889. His father

                                             18
was a versatile vocalist and her              British actor was one of the biggest
mother was a beautiful actress and            stars of the 20th century.
singer. He was a pioneer of the silent
                                              I will end my piece with a humorous
film era and the movie industry. He
                                              poem.
died on December 25, 1977. This

A stick is scary
It always scares me
A man with a magic stick
With a sexy smile!
                                                            Sajeda
Guess who is he?                                            Manzoor
                                                        Sajeda is a writer from
The best comedian
                                                         Mississauga. Look for
With the treasure of humor
                                                            her work with
Is the Charlie Chaplin                                   Mississauga Writers
                                                                Group.
Everyone knows him as a funny guy
Without any words
A bag full of laughing gas
Made us laugh
Is an epic!
A tribute to him
With a bunch of love
Is the shiny star.

©Sajeda Manzoor 2018

                                         19
Writing Exercise

                                       Anecdote
                                          or
                      How to Make the People Spray their Tea

An anecdote is a funny little story.

Take a situation you were in and turn it into an anecdote. Remember that you, as a
writer, have been gifted with literary license, so embellishment is de rigueur—for
the benefit of your audience, of course.

                                          20
Writing Exercise

                                               Telling a Tall Tale
                                                  or
                                 Channelling Your Inner Monty Python

               The Baron travels underwater, illustrated by Gottfried Franz.
Gottfried Franz (1846-1905) - The Miraculous Andventures of Baron Münchhausen. Translated by O. I. Rogova - 3rd ed. SPb.
                                        Publisher: A. F. Devrien, 1896. 50 pages

Children are absolute masters of the tall tale. It’s unfortunate that we lose the
skill as we get older.

Write a tall tale or retell one you recall from literature.

                                                          21
Write ON! The Winter Issue

                                Call for Submissions

                          The theme for the Winter issue is
                                        Science
                         The deadline is November 15th, 2018.

                  Stuck for ideas? Consider some of these words:

   knowledge, technology, information, experiment, theory, practice, hypothesis

medicine, biology, geography, chemistry, archeology, psychology, logic, mathematics

                             technique, method, approach

                                                    N.B. Content which contains hate
Submission guidelines:
                                                  speech or images, extreme violence or
   •   electronic submissions only                explicit sexuality will not be published.
   •   send submissions to
       sheilavdhc@gmail.com
       and
       info@mississaugawritersgroup.com
   •   include submission, a short bio (2-3
       sentences) and an author’s photo
   •   ensure your submission is relevant
       to the theme
   •   content must be in English or
       include an English translation

                                          22
Write ON! in the Near Future

    Not inspired by the theme for the
upcoming issue of Write ON? Perhaps you
                  need a
 different theme. Here are the upcoming
          themes for Write ON!:

      Winter 2018                  Science          deadline November 15th

      Spring 2019              Mental Health          deadline February 15th

     Summer 2019                    Music               deadline May 15th

      Autumn 2019             The Global Village       deadline August 15th

                                      A reminder that Write ON! also accepts
                                       theme-related drawings, paintings and
                                      photos from group members. Please send
                                               images in .jpg format.

                                      23
We Are the Mississauga Writers Group

We are a group of writers who have              We would love to have writers from our
established this forum to share our             community join us. All aspiring and
experiences and pursue our dreams               established writers are most welcome. We
through creativity, knowledge and mutual        believe we all have something special inside
respect. We want to learn from our              us. Come explore your talent with the
strengths and talents and have enjoyable        Mississauga Writers Group!
and stimulating conversations that only
writers can relate to!

                        Website - mississaugawritersgroup.com

                       Email - info@mississaugawritersgroup.com

                                           24
You can also read