Not Invited Back to 2019 - eType Services
←
→
Page content transcription
If your browser does not render page correctly, please read the page content below
JAN FREE • VOL. 19, NO. 25 JAN
3 PORTLANDMERCURY.COM
16
Not
Invited
Back to
2019
AL
FALCOEX
N
ANNU E’S
LIST OAL
ANN O F
THIN G YIN G
S
CAN S THAT
IN 201 TAY
8!
P. 13
PLUS! Two Weeks of Portland’s Best Entertainment Picks, and
Our Annual 100 Percent Accurate Predictions for the New Year!
2 MERCURYTHINGSTODO.COM • JANUARY 3-16, 2019
FOR A FULL SCHEDULE VISIT WWW.MIKETHRASHERPRESENTS.COM
FOLLOW US ONLINE AT: FACEBOOK.COM/MIKETHRASHERPRESENTS · TWITTER.COM/MIKETHRASHERPDX · INSTAGRAM: @MIKETHRASHERPRESENTS
H
A
TUE
JAN 8 R
O
W S
7:00PM DOORS
ALL AGES
BAR W/PROPER ID
T E
H L HAWTHORNE
MICK 11
FRI
O
R
JAN
7:00PM DOORS
ALL AGES
A
N
SAT
JAN 26
IN PETER'S ROOM
HEIGHTS
AS CITIES BURN
JENKINS
N
BAR W/PROPER ID
D
6:00PM DOORS
& CAPSTAN
E KARI FAUX & ALL AGES · BAR W/ID
& DONTE FITNESS T
T THOMAS H
H E
E A
A T
T E
R R Buy Sell Trade
E
REXX LIFE
RAJ
FRI
JAN 18
7:00PM DOORS
ALL AGES
INNANET
JAMES
& CORREY C ARSIS
SAT
JAN 19
7:00PM DOORS
ALL AGES
BAR W/PROPER ID
& ANONYMIA BAR W/PROPER ID
MON
FEB 25
6:00PM DOORS
ALL AGES
Recor ds & Tapes
FRI
25 ◆ 1834 Pacific Ave, Forest Grove ◆
BAR W/PROPER ID
& BRIDGE CITY JAN 503-359-1309 ◆ Lostwaxrecords
7:00PM DOORS
SINNERS ALL AGES
BAR W/PROPER ID
TICKETS
GOING
FAST!
THU
JAN 24
7:00PM DOORS
21 AND OVER
& SPIRIT ANIMAL
THUTMOSE
& KEY!
TUE
FEB 5
7:00PM DOORS
ALL AGES
THU
MAR 14
26
BAR W/PROPER ID 6:00PM DOORS
SAT ALL AGES
BAR W/PROPER ID
JAN
7:00PM DOORS
ALL AGES
BAR W/PROPER ID
MALLRAT & GUARDIN
KID TRUNKS
MON
FEB 18
15
7:00PM DOORS
FRI
X CRAIG XEN
ALL AGES
BAR W/PROPER ID
FEB
COOLIE CUT 7:00PM DOORS
16
ALL AGES
BASS SANTANA BAR W/PROPER ID ON SALE SAT
& FLYBOY TARANTINO NOW MAR
6:30PM DOORS
ALL AGES
BAR W/PROPER ID
8
N
W
WED
20
S
19
I
TUE FEB X
T
FEB 6:30PM DOORS
FLOR
ALL AGES H
6:00PM DOORS BAR W/PROPER ID A
ALL AGES V
& GRIZFOLK
BAR W/PROPER ID
E
WITH CONFIDENCE I THE MIGHTY N
U
E
SUPER WHATEVR · SHATTERPROOF & DOLLSKIN 855-CAS-TIXX X2
SAT
MAR 2
7:00PM DOORS
W
O
ALL AGES
N ON SALE
NOW
BAR W/PROPER ID
D
ON SALE
WED
MAR 6 E
R
NOW
18
7:00PM DOORS
21 AND OVER MON
B FEB
7:00PM DOORS
A ALL AGES
$5.95
BAR W/PROPER ID
L
L
R
O
POPPY
O
M
Don’t
FRI
22
FRI
APR 5 FRI
FEB 22
MAR
6:00PM DOORS
ALL AGES
BAR W/PROPER ID
7:00PM DOORS
ALL AGES
BAR W/PROPER ID
7:00PM DOORS
ALL AGES
BAR W/PROPER ID
ruin
1
5
0 ON SALE
it...
7
S
E
NOW TICKETS
GOING
3 OUR LAST ON SALE FAST!
NIGHT
3
9
T FRI NOW
H
A THE DANGEROUS MAY
7:00PM DOORS
V
E SUMMER ALL AGES
BAR W/PROPER ID
N
U & GRAYSCALE
E
Daily Food & Bev Specials
855-CAS-TIXX X2 128 NE RUSSELL STREET 877.987.6497
COMING ODY KO & NOEL MILLER: TINY MEAT GANG LIVE (SOLD OUT!) · SAGE THE GEMINI · UNOTHEACTIVIST · AJ MITCHELL · RIVERSIDE GO TO
WWW.MIKETHRASHERPRESENTS.COM
SOON: CORROSION OF CONFORMITY · HAYWYRE · ANDREA GIBSON · MAX FROST · YUNG GRAVY · CHELSEA CUTLER · JACK & JACK
DONNA MISSAL · UNCLE ACID AND THE DEADBEATS / GRAVEYARD · THE MOVIELIFE · SWITCHFOOT · FLOTSAM AND JETSAM
FOR COMPLETE DETAILS AND INFO ON HOW TO
GET YOUR TICKETS EARLY
223 SW Yamhill
EDITOR’S NOTE • JANUARY 3-16, 2019 • PORTLANDMERCURY.COM 3
WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY’S 426 SE. GRAND AVE.
Adventures in
PORTLAND, OR. 97214
NEXTADVENTURE.NET
503-233-0706
Newspapering
DEALS GOOD
THROUGH 1/7
2018: The Year in Me
BRYAN’S DEALS
T
here’s a reason people despise “year- the LAW to dump leaves in the street!” Um…
UNDER $20
end retrospectives”—because they’re WHAAAAAT. So I respond, “Ever heard of
objectively BORING. Hey, music ‘Leaf Day,’ doorknob?” And Doorknob sput-
writers! Nobody cares about your dusty ters, “Buh-buh-buh… why don’t you go to
choices for “best album of the year.” (BTW, hell?” And I shoot back, “Why don’t you go
it’s Ariana Grande’s Sweetener or GTFO.)
Hey, film critics! Same goes for your “best
to college?” BOOM! Omigod, I love being
funny and right!
$6.99 $4.99 $12.99 $2.99
LifeLine AAA 121 Wigwam Wigwam UCO Mini Fire
film” pick. (Not a single film starred Ariana Piece Road Trip Kit Snow Trail Mix Starting Kit
Grande this year, so why are we even talking SUPER IMPRESSIVE COMPARE AT Whisper Pro Fusion COMPARE AT SAVE
$29.99 LIST PRICE LIST PRICE $4.99 40%
about this?) And hey, “respected” news orga- ACCOMPLISHMENT OF 2018:
nizations! No one wants to read about the Telling off a nosy grandma.
$18.00 $17.99
top 10 horrible events of 2018, because we (Note: I’d like to preface this by saying I’m SAVE
freaking LIVED IT, okay?!? (Besides, if your not the villain of this story.) So I’m in the 72%
SAVE SAVE
list doesn’t include the time I accidentally grocery store check-out line, right? And my 77% 28%
washed my white Ariana Grande muscle-tee kids are bugging me (as they do), asking if
with my red Ariana Grande crop top, you’re they can run over to the electronics depart- $6.99 $1.99
not much of a news organization, are you?) ment. I say yes, they scamper away, and this $1.00 Innate 6oz $2.99 Hydrapak
Soft Flask
That’s why I’m devoting this column to nosy grandma in front of me stage-whis- GSI Autobahn Mug Trad Flask Innate Active
the only year-end retrospective that matters: pers to her friend, “People should watch their COMPARE AT COMPARE AT Travel Towel SF250 Bottle
$12.99 $19.95 M-L sizes. COMPARE AT
Wm. Steven Humphrey’s most amazing children in the grocery store.” Um… OH NO $13.99
SAVE COMPARE AT
accomplishments of 2018. We don’t hear SHE DID NOT. So I tap her on the shoulder 92% SAVE
65% $14.99-$19.99 SAVE
enough about that, do we? You’re right, we and say, “Social services just called and told
86%
don’t! (You’re so smart and attractive. Can you to mind your own goddamn business.” SAVE
you make me a hamburger?) BOOM! (In this lady’s defense, my kids are 85%
remorseless shoplifters. But still… BOOM!)
SUPER IMPRESSIVE
ACCOMPLISHMENT OF 2018: SUPER IMPRESSIVE $5.99
Telling off some random idiot
in a pickup truck.
ACCOMPLISHMENT OF 2018:
Telling off a bike store employee.
¢.49 Light My Fire
Swedish SAVE
Next Adventure Emergency Whistle Firesteel Mini 50%
You’ve heard of Portland’s annual Leaf
Day, right? Where you put your leaves in the
I’ll be honest, I own a garbage bike. But
since bike thieves will literally steal anything,
$12.99 COMPARE AT
$2.99 SAVE
COMPARE AT
$11.99
Innate 32oz Craft 84%
street and the city picks them up for free? So I rolled my garbage bike into a shop and Growler
I was raking a pile of leaves into the street
when this DOORKNOB pulls up (in a diesel
said I was interested in buying a lock. The
employee looked at my bike, looked at me,
LIST PRICE
$19.95 $1.99
Tekton 5-LED Ball
pickup, of course) and yells, “HEY! It’s against and said, “Sorry, we don’t sell $5 locks.” Um…
EXCUSE ME??? So I replied, “Oh, okay. Do
Cap Visor Light
COMPARE AT
$14.99 $24.99
Wilderness Wilderness
you sell $5 dick faces? Because you have one
SAVE $14.99 Technology Double
35% Technology Single
of those… ON YOUR FACE!” BOOM! (To SAVE Hammock Hammock
87% COMPARE AT Slammin’ deals for
anyone who thinks that particular “tell off ” those who like to
$59.99
needed some work, maybe YOU need some hang out!
work… ON YOUR FACE! BOOM!) SAVE COMPARE AT
Look, I’m seeing my therapist next week, 75% $69.99
SAVE
okay? Boom. 64%
Yer pal,
15% OFF New Year’s Ski Sale! $109.95
Save up to 15% off select 2019 models from Tubbs Vertex
your favorite brands! In-store only. Snowshoe
Men’s 28 and
$59.99 $59.99
Women’s 25.
All Wilderness LIST PRICE SAVE
Technology Men’s Liquid Women’s $179.95 39%
Wm. Steven Humphrey Tents 20% Off! Outerwear Liquid
Editor-in-Chief Vertigo Snow Outerwear
COVER ART BY Pant Strobe Pant
Portland Mercury
ALEX DESPAIN Sizes small-2x! Stay warm
COMPARE AT and dry on
$180.00 the slopes!
SAVE COMPARE AT
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF MOVIES & TV ADVERTISING SOCIAL CHIEF 67% $180.00 SAVE
Wm. Steven Humphrey Erik Henriksen DIRECTOR MEDIA TECHNOLOGY 67%
James Deeley DIRECTOR OFFICER
EXECUTIVE EDITOR ARTS
$399.99
Bri Brey Anthony Hecht
Erik Henriksen Suzette Smith OPERATIONS
MANAGER CIRCULATION WEB
SENIOR EDITORS COPY CHIEF Tonya Ray DIRECTOR DEVELOPER Faction Dictator 2.0 2018 SAVE
Ned Lannamann, Jenni Moore Scott Radke Hannah Balenda Mega savings on last year’s model!
43%
Ciara Dolan SENIOR ACCOUNT
CALENDAR EXECUTIVE GENERAL PUBLISHER This ski rips on and off the groomers.
NEWS Bobby Roberts, Katie Peifer MANAGER Rob Thompson LIST PRICE
Alex Zielinski, Chipp Terwilliger
Blair Stenvick ACCOUNT
Katie Lake
CFO
$699.99
ART EXECUTIVES ACCOUNTING
$49.99
Rob Crocker
MUSIC
Ciara Dolan
DIRECTOR
Kathleen Marie
Anna Nelson,
CD Skehan,
MANAGER
Renee Krulich PRESIDENT $179.99 $579.95 Next Adventure
FOOD PHOTOGRAHY Mel Heywood Tim Keck 2018 2019 Ride
Andrea Damewood Meg Nanna Rossignol Mountain Pig Kayak Cart
District All mountain With foam-filled,
BUSINESS HOURS Mon-Fri 9 am to 5 pm • 115 SW Ash, Suite 600, Portland, OR 97204
(503) 294-0840 • lovenotes@portlandmercury.com Great first-timer directional hybrid no-flat wheels. SAVE
snowboard! camber. Loaded COMPARE AT 61%
The content of this issue is © 2019 by Index Newspapers, LLC, and may
not be reprinted in part or in whole without written consent from the publisher. LIST PRICE with tech! Too $129.00
$299.99 much to list. While
supplies last.
SAVE
40%
One copy of each edition of the Portland Mercury is available free to Oregon residents and visitors every other week.
Anyone removing papers in bulk will be prosecuted on theft charges to the fullest extent of the law. Deals subject to product availability. Some quantities may be limited.
4 MERCURYTHINGSTODO.COM • JANUARY 3-16, 2019
GOSSIP • JANUARY 3-16, 2019 • PORTLANDMERCURY.COM 5
BY ELINOR JONES PROOF THAT GOOD THINGS HAPPENED IN 2018
H appy New Year! Wow, 2018 sure was... a passage of time,
wasn’t it? Believe it or not, 2018 was only one calendar
year! And if you’re thinking, “Hey, that sucked, but at least it’s
interview with Queerty that the “special” Muppet friendship
between Ernie and Bert was based on his real-life roman-
tic relationship with another man. This had a lot of people
over!” keep in mind that we said the same thing about 2017 “YAS KWEEN”ing, until the official Sesame Workshop Twit-
and 2016. It’s possible—even plausible—that this is just life ter came in and dumped on everyone with puritanical balo-
now. So that’s fun. And it’s only been a few months since the ney about Muppets not having a sexual orientation. This is
Portland Mercury’s beloved gossip columnist Ann Romano like some estranged, clueless dad insisting to his buddies at
stepped down and I began writing this column. Seems like the bingo hall that his daughter is actually straight while
longer, doesn’t it? A lot happened in 2018, and while we can not being invited to her lesbian wedding. Cheers to
vividly remember all the dark shit we slogged through, it’s Bert and Ernie! May you take baths and bicker for
harder to keep the happy memories fresh. So with an assist years to come.
from my good friend and former page-mate Ann Romano,
let’s nestle into our happy archives and revisit some of the MICHELLE OBAMA IS
truly good things that happened this year. CRUSHING IT
November 8 (via me): I’m writing this
# M E TO O A N D O P R A H AT T H E before the midterm elections, and you’re
G O L D E N G LO B E S reading it after. As I do in times of anxiety and despair,
January 7 (via Ann Romano): Tonight, on a women-domi- I’ve been turning to my best friends Barry and Michelle.
nated edition of the Golden Globes, which featured attend- Michelle Obama’s book, Becoming, is dropping on November
ees dressed in all black and accompanying activists to bring 13 and I hope you’ve already pre-ordered it for all the import-
attention to sexual harassment and abuse, Oprah Winfrey ant women in your life (like me)! She’s embarking on a big
gave a rousing, emotion-packed speech that brought the 2018, LEST WE FORGET book tour, and while thousands will gladly pay hundreds of
audience (and internet) to its feet. “What I know for sure is dollars to see her speak, because she is wonderful, Michelle
that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all Panther is beloved and deserves that money because it offers Obama is giving 10 percent of her tickets away to a variety of
have,” she said. “So I want all the girls watching here and now a positive representation of women and African culture, community organizations—particularly those with a focus
to know that a new day is on the horizon! And when that and that means so very much right now. However, do not be on girls’ leadership and education. Ugh, Michelle Obama,
new day finally dawns, it will be because of a lot of magnifi- the sole white person in the theater occasionally scream- stop being so perfect. Just kidding, be more perfect. Just
cent women... and some pretty phenomenal men, are fighting ing “Blaaaaaack Paaaaaaaanther!” As the manager sternly kidding, that’s impossible, because you’re perfect.
hard to make sure that they become the leaders who take us informed us, “Ma’am, we’re excited that you’re excited—but
to the time when nobody ever has to say ‘Me too’ again.” no one needs to hear that.” MISCELLANEOUS NICE THINGS
And while political pundits are making a case for a possible December 6 (via me): Queer Eye’s Jonathan Van Ness is
2020 run, Oprah remains coy on the subject. But is it too TAY LO R A N D K AT Y M A D E U P learning how to figure skate and he regularly shares clips on
much to dream of a ticket that includes Oprah—and while May 8 (via Ann Romano): “Taylor Swift just announced the his Instagram. Big cows are a thing. The Good Place hasn’t
we’re dreaming—Michelle Obama AND Beyoncé? end of her heavily publicized, seemingly never-ending feud been canceled. The Great British Bake-Off isn’t as bad as
with Katy Perry,” reports Elle! Tay-Tay announced the shock- we all worried it would be without Mary Berry and Mel and
B L AC K PA N T H E R CA M E O U T ing peace accord via an Instagram story that showed “the Sue. Ariana Grande is grinding hard. And Robert Mueller
February 18 (via Ann Romano): Today in “Representation LITERAL OLIVE WREATH that Perry sent her,” Elle explains. is grinding hardest of all; those little Trumper boys may yet
Matters”: Black Panther! Black Panther! Blaaaaaaack “Thank you, Katy,” Swift wrote, including two heart emojis, experience consequences for the first time in their lives.
Paaaaaaaanther! From the New York Times: “[Blaaaaaaack and only somewhat passive-aggressively making it so that the
Paaaaaaaanther!!] roared into theaters over the weekend as only part we could see of Katy’s note were the words “deeply T H E L AST W O R D O F 2 0 1 8 /
a full-blown cultural event, breaking box office records and sorry” and vague references to “past communications and T H E F I R ST W O R D O F 2 0 1 9
shattering a myth about the overseas viability of movies rooted feelings between us.” So pat yourselves on the back however See? It wasn’t all bad! Let’s stitch ourselves a quilt of those
in Black culture. Global ticket sales by Monday will total an many times you want, North and South Korea! We don’t care. pleasant memories (can someone stitch mine for me? I can’t
estimated $387 million, according to comScore.” If you’re All we care about is Katy and Tay-Tay... BFFs at last! sew and I won’t learn) that we can burrow under when 2019
a numbers person, that means Black Panther has delivered gets rough, which, if recent years are any indication, it prob-
the fifth-highest opening weekend ever, the biggest open- B E RT A N D E R N I E A R E C O N F I R M E D ably will. But hopefully 2019 will also deliver bad things
ing ever for a Black director (Ryan Coogler) and a female R O M A N T I C L I F E PA RT N E R S to bad people, good things to good people, and to you and
cinematographer (Rachel Morrison), the biggest Febru- September 27 (via me): For one: YAY! And for two: NO DUH! yours, plenty of wine and clean water. (And martinis!—Ann)
ary movie ever, and best of all? It’s SOOOO GOOOD. Black Muppets writer Mark Saltzman recently confirmed in an Cheers, dears! Let’s go!
NEW COLUMN!
I, ANONYMOUS “THE CHRISTIAN FUNK”
rcury ’s
In 2019, millions of out-of-state crows Oregonian publishes editorial titled,
The Me
ely,
“Actually, Joey Gibson Is a Good ILLUSTRATED BY KALAH ALLEN
descend on Portland following
success of new sitcom, Crowlandia.
A typo in Paul Allen’s will accidentally
A b s o l u t Listener and Gives Great Back Rubs.”
Willamette River pipeline construc- To the Christian funk bass player that I fell for on Bumble: Next
Percent
bequeaths Portland Trail Blazers to tion halted by giant sentient time, out yourself earlier than three months in! I should have known
sister’s dog McScribbits, a 14-year-
old morbidly obese Puginese. 100 ranteed, underwater monster formed from
discarded e-scooters.
when, on date five, we made out for an hour at a lounge. It was
obvious when I asked you to come back to my place that I wanted
Gua to have sex... yet your inner turmoil got
ctions
Patriot Prayer’s Joey Gibson signs Mayor Ted Wheeler overheard mutter-
endorsement deal with Under Armour.
e Pred i ing, “I can’t wait for Reggie and Veron- the best of you. Still, it didn’t matter.
Accuraftor 2019! ica to get it on already! This new I fell hard. You opened doors,
Hall & Oates concert at Oregon Zoo season of Riverdale is killing me.” wore boots, had a Texas accent,
haunted by ghost of baby elephant. and you called me. You were the
You still can’t afford a house. only person I know who loves
Stanich’s burger joint remains closed,
City says, “Fuck it,” turns downtown Kendrick Lamar as much as I
while everyone is still cool with do. And then you dropped a
Dave’s Killer Bread for some reason. Smoke from nearby forest fires Entertainment District into seven-
makes Portland’s air quality worse block adult ball pit. (Balls are hosed bomb: You were playing funk
Local man descends from high horse; than Charles Dickens-era London; off every 36 months.) bass at this church. But there
decides not to share opinion on Twitter. city’s steampunk community thrilled. was still hope: Later, you asked
Mayor Ted Wheeler sneaks away me over to binge watch Insecure,
Sarah Huckabee Sanders appointed Unable to convert Wapato prison to Brazil for six months, leaving a which I introduced you to, and said I
as new Mayor’s Office Communica- into a homeless shelter, owner lookalike wax replica in his place. No could crash at your place. How dare you get my hopes up, and then,
tions Director. Jordan Schnitzer turns facility into one notices. after I straddled you, tell me that you’ve been going to church and
The Portland Diamond Project walks guest house for visiting relatives he you’re celibate? WTF. Next time, write “Christian Funk Bass Player”
Emboldened by the success of new
back #MLBtoPortland offer after doesn’t like. on your profile.—Anonymous
bi-weekly format, Mercury starts
realizing baseball fans were only Second panel falls off OHSU sky tram, publishing bi-decade-ly. See you in
attending games for the pickles. hits Nazi in face. five years! Submit your unsigned confessions and accusations of 200 words or less, changing the names of
the innocent and guilty, to the I, Anonymous blog at portlandmercury.com!
PHOTO CREDITS: KEVIN WINTER / GETTY IMAGES, JIM HENSON, MARVEL, NBC
6 MERCURYTHINGSTODO.COM • JANUARY 3-16, 2019 • NEWS
NEWS • JANUARY 3-16, 2019 • PORTLANDMERCURY.COM 7
NEWS
Portland’s Biggest (and Weirdest)
News Stories of 2018
MERCURY STAFF
BY ALEX ZIELINSKI AND BLAIR STENVICK people who died at the hands of Portland law enforcement in
I
2018, it’s hard to see an improvement. Two of the men who
f you’re reading this, it’s 2019.
died last year, Jason Washington and Patrick Kimmons, were
You’ve already poured out the leftover glasses of flat
Black. The other two, John Elifritz and Samuel Rice, were
champagne, scribbled some resolutions on a Post-it fatally shot while in the midst of a behavioral health crisis.
note that you will promptly lose, and proudly declared What’s more, every officer involved in these shootings—officers
that this year won’t be like the last. We hear you. representing the City of Portland, Multnomah County, and
But! Before you blindly embrace a blank calendar year Portland State University—were cleared of criminal charges,
like it’s your first date with an alluring stranger, it’s our sparking outrage, disappointment, and disillusionment with
S
job to remind you that 2019 comes with a whole lot of criminal justice reform from family members, friends, commu-
OS
GR
baggage from 2018. Sure, some of it is best forgotten (Knute nity members, and advocates for police accountability.
R
LE
Buehler’s goatee), but a lot of what went down in 2018 TY
Renter Relocation
will inform this year’s crucial decisions, conversations,
Fees Made Permanent
and questions. Like: Who is Jo Ann Hardesty? Are we
Burgerville Employees Unionize.
still boycotting Burgerville? Did we make Patriot Prayer
Burgerville Fights Back.
go away for good yet? And what happened to those dorky
e-scooters?
T he year started off with a victory for renters’ rights, with
Portland city council finalizing Commissioner Chloe
So here’s a look back at 2018’s biggest (and weirdest)
news stories—and some reminders of how they’ll influ-
Eudaly’s long-negotiated renter relocation policy, which
requires that landlords cover moving costs for particularly
vulnerable tenants. The policy kicks in when a landlord either
F ed-up Burgerville employees made history this year by
successfully organizing the country’s first federally-recog-
nized fast food union. The Burgerville Workers Union (BVWU)
ence Portland in the year to come. issues a no-cause eviction or forces a tenant to move with began at the local chain’s Southeast 92nd and Powell store and
rent increases of 10 percent or more within a year. Tenant has since expanded to the Gladstone and Southeast Hawthorne
Portland’s Eight rights’ activists say the measure has already decreased the
number of no-cause evictions in Portland—but the new protec-
locations. But the company’s management hasn’t made it easy
for the burgeoning union to negotiate their first contract,
Biggest News Stories tions aren’t without problems. Shortly after the relocation
ordinance was approved, an apartment complex in South-
which asks for a higher hourly wage and health insurance
for part-time employees. Burgerville has also leaned on coer-
east Portland announced it would be changing ownership cive, anti-union messaging in an attempt to keep the BVWU
Police Shootings and evicting all of its residents in the process. The landlord from expanding to more stores across the Pacific Northwest.
offered more than the city-required relocation funds to all Unfortunately for the fast food darling, BVWU not only has
I t’s been six years since the US Department of Justice
ordered Portland’s police officers to reduce the number
of violent interactions they have with people with a mental
tenants—but in Portland’s housing market, this still wasn’t
enough to help longtime tenants find new homes. This is one
of many wrinkles in the city’s renter protection system that
the backing of numerous Portland officials (including Mayor
Ted Wheeler), but has also convinced many Burgerville fans
to boycott the unquestionably delicious restaurant until the
illness and people of color. But, when considering the four still needs some work. union contract is finalized.
Continued on pg. 9
8 MERCURYTHINGSTODO.COM • JANUARY 3-16, 2019 • NEWS
NEWS • JANUARY 3-16, 2019 • PORTLANDMERCURY.COM 9
Continued from pg. 7
rating immigrant children from their families and holding bureau’s command center—and asking said reporters to sign
them in detention centers—roiled the nation in June. Locally, a non-disclosure agreement beforehand—were made public.
activists protested and camped out in front of a US Immigra- Double cringe.
tion and Customs Enforcement (ICE) facility at the South
Waterfront for weeks, until they were cleared by federal law
A Horse Tried to Sue
enforcement officials. During the protests, Mayor Ted Wheeler Its Abusive Owner
said he wouldn’t be directing Portland Police Bureau (PPB)
resources to assist ICE, saying he’d leave the job to the federal
government. While PPB was still allowed to respond to 911
calls from the ICE facility, Wheeler’s stance didn’t sit well
T his year, a national animal rights organization attempted
to turn an Oregon horse named Justice into a celebrity.
The Animal Legal Defense Fund (ALDF) argued in a Wash-
with the union representing ICE employees, the National ICE ington County courtroom that Justice should be able to sue
Council. In October, the union announced it was calling for his former owner for personal injury, since his past owner’s
a criminal investigation into Wheeler’s decisions during the neglect had left the horse with serious life-altering health
protests, claiming the mayor used his “police powers to harm issues that his new owner couldn’t afford. This would have
VERONICA ROSE
those he believes possess alternative political beliefs.” Wheeler made Justice the first animal to be given the legal autonomy
issued a sharp response, saying ICE was “coming after me to sue a human. Despite hearing a well-polished argument,
TriMet Flip-Flops on Fares because I am a vocal opponent of the administration’s policy Judge John Knowles rejected the case, on the grounds that a
of separating kids from their parents.” The union still intends “non-human animal… lacks the legal status or qualifications
I n July, TriMet enacted a new policy that would give anyone
cited for not paying bus or MAX fares 90 days to resolve
that citation outside of the court system. This move, paired
on suing the city.
Immigrants Unlawfully Held
necessary for the assertion of legal rights and duties in a court
of law.” But Justice’s fight isn’t over yet. ALDF plans to appeal
Knowles’ decision to the Oregon Court of Appeals.
with a new low-income fare program, suggested the regional in an Oregon Prison
transit agency was softening to pro-rider policies. That win for
A Louisiana Senator (and Trump)
Called for Mayor Wheeler’s
transit advocates, however, was tripped up by an older fare-re-
lated case that’s still stuck in the courts. In March, Ana del
Rocío was arrested for not giving her legal name to a police
T he Trump administration’s draconian decision to arrest
any immigrant requesting asylum in the US had an unex-
pected and unprecedented impact on Oregon’s prison system.
Resignation
officer who had asked to see her MAX ticket. But since del
Rocío was stopped in one of TriMet’s mass fare inspections—
and not an incident where an officer had probable cause to
That’s because 120 immigrant men seeking protection in the
US were swooped up at the US-Mexico border and plopped
in a rural prison in Sheridan, Oregon, some 50 miles south-
L ouisiana Senator Bill Cassidy was probably just looking
to score points with his conservative base when he called
on Mayor Ted Wheeler to resign. Cassidy butted into Portland
detain her—the case was dropped by a Multnomah County west of Portland. The men represented 16 countries and spoke politics back in August, a few months after Wheeler said he
judge. In doing so, the judge noted that TriMet’s technique 13 languages. The prison staff, who were given less than a wouldn’t be directing Portland Police Bureau (PPB) resources
of inspecting MAX fares violated both the Oregon and US week’s notice before the new inmates arrived, had little (if toward assisting officers at the ICE protest, which Cassidy
constitutions. While TriMet has argued that they did nothing any) information on what rights federal immigrant detainees took to mean Wheeler was “banning” police from helping ICE.
wrong, Oregon Attorney General Ellen Rosenblum refused to are allowed—meaning that for months, all of the immigrants That wasn’t quite true—PPB still responded to calls for help
appeal the county court’s ruling, leaving TriMet vulnerable to were denied constitutionally mandated legal aid, translation when they received them—but it registered high enough on
future fare-related lawsuits. services, phone access, and health care. After an interven- the conservative outrage scale for Cassidy to introduce a reso-
tion by the ACLU, a federal court ordered the prison to allow lution calling for Wheeler to resign.
Minorities Sweep Local Elections immigration lawyers inside—resulting in the eventual release Cassidy’s resolution came just a day after Donald Trump
of almost every incarcerated immigrant. called out Wheeler in a speech at the White House. In Octo-
T his was the year that Portlanders finally elected a Black
woman—Jo Ann Hardesty—to the city council. Hardesty
won in a November runoff against another Black woman, Mult- Portland’s Five
ber, Fox News’ deranged opinion roundtable The Five went
after Wheeler in an eight-minute-long segment, castigating
the mayor for supposedly enabling Antifa.
Weirdest News Stories
nomah County Commissioner Loretta Smith. But the diversity
in Oregon’s election cycle didn’t stop there: In Senate District
24, which includes the area between 82nd and Gresham and
stretches out to Happy Valley, voters replaced incumbent male People Still Really Wanted to Turn
landlord Senator Rod Monroe with tenant lawyer Shemia a Prison into a Homeless Shelter
Fagan; North Portlanders elected Susheela Jayapal to the Mult-
nomah County Board of Commissioners, making her the first
South Asian American to serve in public office in the state;
and Lynn Peterson replaced outgoing Metro President Tom
A once-rejected idea to turn an abandoned prison into a
homeless facility was resurrected in 2018 and, surprising no
one, was again rejected. The charge was led by two candidates
Hughes. Voters were clear: In Multnomah County, at least, for Oregon public office—Multnomah County Commissioner
the future is female. Loretta Smith, a failed candidate for Portland City Council, and
Knute Buehler, a failed gubernatorial candidate—and backed
Mayor Wheeler Tries (and Fails) by neighborhood associations with notoriously anti-home-
to Fix Protests less stances. Actual homeless people and longtime homeless
advocates, however, opposed the idea of shuttling houseless
I t’s not a real Portland summer without a few violent clashes
between right-wing militia group Patriot Prayer and lefty
anti-fascist (Antifa) groups. Patriot Prayer, based in Vancou-
Portlanders to an isolated detention center 12 miles outside
of downtown Portland. Most Multnomah County Commis-
sioners agreed and voted to sell the county facility to a private
ver, Washington, visited Portland a handful of times with no developer. The verdict’s still out on what the desolate prop- AUGUST LIPP
real purpose—except for taunting liberals and waving Confed- erty will turn into.
erate flags. Only after business owners complained that the E-scooters Happened
protests were impacting commerce did Mayor Ted Wheeler
City Hall Communications
Got... Strange
put together a flimsy attempt to control future violent protests.
His proposed ordinance—which would have allowed him to E -scooters invaded Portland streets with all the force of a
middle school fad—and disappeared just as quickly. Back in
limit the time, location, and size of a protest—failed to pass
the ACLU’s constitutionality test. It also didn’t survive a city
council vote, leaving the city with few new ideas to handle
M ayor Ted Wheeler’s media and communications guide-
lines got an unexpected overhaul this year—a few times!
First, the mayor’s office announced it would be holding monthly
July, the Portland Bureau of Transportation (PBOT) launched
an e-scooter pilot program, and what followed were 120 heady
days of e-scooting madness, particularly around the city center.
whatever garbage Patriot Prayer intends on spewing on Port- press conferences and would turn an unused room in City But according to a PBOT survey, the program—featuring scoo-
land in the new year. Hall into a reporter work space. Cool! Then, Wheeler hired a tin’ machines from very cool single-word companies Bird,
new communications director, former KOIN reporter Eileen Lime, and Skip—didn’t do much to serve the city’s wider trans-
Portland Occupies ICE, Park. Suddenly, Wheeler had a new social media persona—one portation needs. As expected, most e-scooter riders never
Wheeler Pays the Price that “called out” ACLU lawyers, provoked right-wing rabble used them to access public transportation, and the majority
rousers, and boasted about past victories. Portland’s Twit- of users lived in Portland’s richest neighborhoods. Oh, and
N ews that the Trump Administration was enacting a new
“zero tolerance” border policy—one that includes sepa-
terverse cringed. Not long after, Park’s plans to invite hand-
picked reporters to watch a protest from inside the police
apparently people were throwing their e-scooters into the
Continued on pg. 11
10 MERCURYTHINGSTODO.COM • JANUARY 3-16, 2019 • NEWS
GIVE A WEEKEND. CHANGE A LIFE.
Support Oregon’s foster kids and families as a Relief Parent.
BE THE DIFFERENCE
WE ARE PROUD TO OFFER:
24/7 support, so you are never alone Generous tax-free stipend
8 Gluten-Free
Beers on Tap
Online pre-service training Donations 100% Gluten-Free
Menu
~ allergen friendly kitchen ~
(503) 736-6518 Open 12 to 9 Wednesday thru Sunday
groundbreakerbrewing.com/gastropub
fostercare@morrisonkids.org 2030 SE 7th AVE PORTLAND, OR 97214NEWS • JANUARY 3-16, 2019 • PORTLANDMERCURY.COM 11
Continued from pg. 9
Willamette River after they were done with
them? PBOT is expected to release more of its
findings from the pilot project in early 2019,
which will help determine whether Portland-
With this ring . . .
ers get to e-scoot another day.
• Creative Custom Design
• Engagement & Wedding Rings
Five News Stories
to Keep Following • Canadian Diamonds & Fair Trade Gems
Where’s That
Navigation Center?
I n April, city and county officials called a
press conference to announce the construc-
tion of a homeless shelter on the edge of Port-
land’s Pearl District. Officials seemed espe-
cially excited because it was going to be
entirely bankrolled by private benefactors—
notably, Columbia Sportswear CEO Tim Boyle JO ANN
and local developer Homer Williams, both HARDESTY
of whom have criticized the city’s response MEG NANNA
to homelessness. The planned facility was schedules and shorten the notoriously long
promised as a “navigation center” of sorts for 911 call response times within the bureau.
the Portland houseless population, helping
connect those in need to existing services.
Boyle and Williams promised the facil-
ity would be up and running by the end of
Major League Baseball
on the Horizon Trios Studio
2018. Williams’ staff is now saying it’ll be built
sometime in the spring, just as the deadliest
months of the year for Portland’s homeless
I n 2018, the idea of a Major League Base-
ball (MLB) team in Portland went from
being a complete fantasy to being a fantasy
Fine Jewelry & Custom Design
population come to a close. with renderings. In November, the Portland 3 Monroe Pkwy. Ste I 503-496-1285
Diamond Project—a group spearheaded by Lake Oswego, OR 97035 www.TriosStudio.com
Meet Commissioner former Nike executive Craig Cheek and boast-
Hardesty ing investors that include Seattle Seahawks
quarterback Russell Wilson and singer Ciara—
J anuary 1 marked the first day in nearly 20
years that Dan Saltzman wasn’t working
in Portland City Hall. Portland elected Jo
announced it had entered into a tentative deal
to purchase the Port of Portland’s Terminal 2,
with plans to turn it into a baseball stadium.
Ann Hardesty, a former NAACP leader and Mayor Ted Wheeler is on board with the idea—
former state legislator, to take over for the he said the city wouldn’t directly fund the
retiring commissioner in 2019. Hardesty’s stadium but would be open to waiving asso-
promised a new era of police accountability ciated development fees—but the process of
in city hall, starting with a complete audit of wooing the league can take years. Will this
the entire Portland Police Bureau and a freeze stadium be built? Will it include a sky tram to
on officer hires. She’s also called to sever ties rival OHSU’s, as the renderings suggest? What
with the city’s controversial Joint Terror- will the new MLB team be called? How much
ism Task Force, a partnership with the FBI will everyone hate that name? Will the ballpark
that some say undermines community trust charge $11 for a 10-ounce Coors Light? Stay
with local cops. Hardesty is expected to shake tuned—or, you know, insert baseball analogy
up the political tilt of the current council— about waiting to see here.
especially now with Saltzman, the council’s
most conservative commissioner, stepping
Affordable Housing:
down. We’re ready for some new energy on Coming Soon (Again)
the council dais.
Cops Without Guns I n November, voters in the greater Portland
region approved a $652.8 million bond to
create about 4,000 units of affordable housing.
T he city will kick off the year by hiring
a brand-new variety of cop, dubbed a
“Public Safety Support Specialist” (PS3 for
It will be up to Metro, the regional governing
body, to facilitate the dispersal of that bond,
which will fund housing projects for low-in-
short). PS3s, employed by the Portland Police come residents of Multnomah, Washington,
Bureau (PPB), will not carry a firearm, make and Clackamas counties. Oregon voters also
arrests, or drive patrol cars. They’ll wear tan passed Measure 102, which gives municipal
khakis and green polos with a PPB emblem, governments the freedom to partner with
and instead of guns, they’ll be armed with private developers and nonprofits when
pepper spray. According to the PPB contract, spending bond dollars on housing projects.
these new employees will investigate property The passage of this ballot measure will unlock
crime, traffic accidents, and other low-level, some additional funding for the City of Port-
non-violent crimes. Skeptics suggest the posi- land, which passed its own housing bond back
tion is just a watered-down response to Port- in 2016. All of this adds up to more affordable
landers who have called for unarmed officers housing, both within and outside of Portland
who are more engaged with homeless and city limits. If all goes to plan, the vague proj-
mentally ill populations. The city, meanwhile, ects promised in the Metro bond will begin
says PS3s will simply free up other officers’ to come into focus in 2019.12 MERCURYTHINGSTODO.COM • JANUARY 3-16, 2019 • FEATURE
I
Shandong
www.shandongportland.comFEATURE • JANUARY 3-16, 2019 • PORTLANDMERCURY.COM 13
Not Invited O
h hello, I didn’t see you come in. I was just sitting by this
fake fireplace petting a corgi that is not my corgi and drink-
ing a hot chocolate spiked with more chocolate, just like
Back in
I do every January as I agonize over my definitive list of things
that are disinvited from the Earth in the new year. This isn’t some
pedestrian kvetching; this is a list of highly relevant, exquisitely
topical, easily digestible nuggets of indisputable taste. This simple
2019
list can fix 90 percent of this city the world, if only it were followed
to the letter.
Or maybe they’re just jokes.
Whatever they are, thanks to a booming newspaper industry,
you’ll have to look at them staring at you from newsstands for twice
as many weeks as my previous lists. So rest assured I’ve put twice
as many minutes into writing them.
Street preachers ing religious nonsense at people who just
before parades came to watch a police horse shitting in
I could write a separate 1,500-word the street.
feature story on how to fix parades. Before one parade this year, the Uni-
(Maybe I should. Weird venue, but…. Hey, piper unipiped in circles around one of
BY ALEX FALCONE, Mercury editor! Can I write a whole thing
about how to fix parades? [Editor’s Note:
these decrepit shit stains, which was a
good start—but we can do better. Next
REGIONAL MAN No.]) Okay, for now, I’ll start with the most time they show up to yell “harlot” at a
obvious problem: Before every Portland 10-year-old, let’s surround them with
OF MYSTERY parade kicks off—where kids play fris- musicians. Let’s hire one of the city’s
bee and people roam the streets selling surprising number of adult marching
grocery carts full of light-up garbage— bands to form a circle around them, and
ILLUSTRATION
another pre-parade ritual begins. Three drown them in “Louie Louie.” It’s the right
BY KATIE TURNER to five sad, old white guys wander the thing to do.
route with compensatory bullhorns yell- Continued on pg. 1514 MERCURYTHINGSTODO.COM • JANUARY 3-16, 2019 • FEATURE
FEATURE • JANUARY 3-16, 2019 • PORTLANDMERCURY.COM 15
Continued from pg. 13
ing stores in Portland sell newly manufactured
Paper straws.
I get it. You saw a turtle video and decided
ugly sweaters. So that’s it. Pack it up, gang, it’s
over. It was fun for a little while, but there you
YEP, INVITED BACK
you were going to save the world by ruining are—in a Nordstrom’s “Ugly Sweater”—jump- Over the last six years I’ve written
drinks. That’s fine. But we’ve got to come up ing over a shark, which is also in a sweater. this column, I’ve felt an increasing
with something better than paper to make our need to add positive “Yep, Invited
turtle-safe drinking straws… because PAPER. Crow shit. Back” items at the end. This year
Paper! It’s paper. And you’re getting wet. Three In general, I’m a fan of Portland’s recent emo I’ve expanded the list because I’m
sips into a drink and the middle of the straw phase. For a couple years now, every inch of the feeling a tiny bit more optimis-
wicked-witches into a puddle. Because it’s late afternoon sky has been filled with ravens. tic. Or maybe these are also just
paper. It’s science, okay? We shouldn’t make It’s like somebody saw the swifts and thought, jokes. Hard to say.
straws out of paper, just like we don’t make “This could be way more ominous.” It’s great—
insulation out of fireworks. but they also shit. And yes, it’s objectively hilar- Downtown
ious when somebody else gets shit upon by a falconry.
death-pigeon. I’ve laughed those laughs and I like the crows, but I want them to
they were hearty. But it’s only a matter of time move before they shit on me. But what if we took a cool thing—the nightly invasion of Game
until it happens to me and that would be objec- of Thrones birds—and chased them away with EVEN COOLER BIRDS. We did that. The city
tively unfunny. brought in goddamn raptors to scare the shit back into the crows. We use falcons. With
tiny backpacks. To scare away crows. That is so fucking cool. I’m ready for the next step in
Major League Baseball apex predator-based solutions: those red-vested high-pressure charity sales people who
in Portland. also flock to downtown? Let’s see if we can move them off their corners with grizzly bears.
You gotta stop talking about it. It’s not going to
happen. And it shouldn’t—it’s a bad idea. It’s a
E-scooters.
This is so completely obvious. They’re a cheaper and more environmentally friendly way
bad sport at a bad time in a bad market. Let’s
to do short trips around town than Uber or Car2Go. They’re more convenient than sitting in
face it: The biggest sports success the city has
downtown traffic. But most importantly, they’re really fun. Riding a bike is work, but scooting
had since the ’70s is soccer. Soccer is amazing
is the only way to commute that regularly makes people say “wheeeee.” Sure, they’re risky. If
Complaining about here, and it makes sense: We’re a second-tier
you ride one regularly you’ll almost certainly be bullied by a middle schooler. But it’s worth it.
homeless people. major city, and soccer is a second-tier major
I’m sorry you saw a tent and it ruined your day. sport. It’s a match made in Runner-Up Heaven. Better Naito.
Portland is packed with liberal people who see The Okay Place. Nobody is enjoying Worse Naito right now. The
only hard decision should be whether to settle for
LIGHTNING BONUS ROUND!
a person sleeping on the sidewalk and act like Instead of setting a billion dollars on fire to
they’re the victims for having witnessed it. It’s build a half-empty baseball park, let’s double making Better Naito permanent or hold out for Aminé. National treasure, available locally.
like complaining about how loud ambulance down on other also-ran sports. Let’s build a Best Naito. The city should gift him at least three bill-
sirens are. I feel bad you had to go through riverside badminton stadium. Replace Memo- boards a year.
Ted Wheeler muttering
all that, but maybe the bigger problem isn’t rial Coliseum with jai alai. If there’s going to be after press conferences. The Timbers and the Thorns. Way to take
fucking about you. There’s a crisis here, and another tram, it better take me to a world-class It’s so satisfying to hear the mayor mutter about mediocre seasons and still have a shot at
it isn’t your view. water polo arena with a raised glass pool so I hating his job. He said it wasn’t his most endear- the title. Portland soccer teams always
can watch them punch each other in the bits. ing personality trait, but I disagree. Most people seem to run into the playoffs with the
Listening to music hate their jobs, and Mayor of Portland is one of same vigor the Blazers run out of them.
without headphones. Food weeks. the worst jobs around. It was extremely human-
If you do this, you know you’re a monster, right? The Mercury crushed it Anti-abortion ballot measures. Very
izing to hear him admit it. I’d like to see honest
I will buy you headphones. Right now. They with Burger Week (full satisfying to vote against, and probably
muttering become a requirement of government
cost 75 cents at Plaid Pantry. The only way disclosure: you’re reading raise turnout for the good guys. Keep it up.
press conferences. How great would that be? After
it’s okay for you to force people to listen to the Mercury right now). Kate Brown unveiled her budget, an aide whispers,
music from your phone is if you exclusively Burgers everywhere, for “Ahem. You’re required to mutter something, Governor.” And she says, “Oh yeah. *grumble
listen to movie scores and you dress/act like a week. Oh, what a good grumble* I can’t believe Knute Buehler got 43 percent of the vote with that Smash Mouth
you belong in that movie. If you’re blasting time that was. And then goatee *grumble grumble*.”
John Williams and carrying a lightsaber, that’s they expanded to Pizza
okay. If you’re wearing a dinosaur costume and Week and it didn’t have the same magic… but A new Portlandia.
blasting… well, I guess that’s John Williams it was good. And then the Oregonian, a paper It’s time for a new show that really captures the city. Sure, people around here loved
also. If you’re left home alone and bumping… that’s never seen a trend they couldn’t be late talking shit about Portlandia, saying they liked the first few seasons, but got tired of it.
oh, that’s also John Williams? Jesus, that guy to, started Nacho Week. And now it’s out of But that’s just the most Portland possible response. “Uh, we liked their early work.” Now
did a lot of good movies. Okay, revision: You are control. Just to be contrarian, Willamette Week that it’s over, I’d love to see a new show that captures the city so perfectly that we have
only allowed to listen to music without head- is probably going to start a Black Licorice Week. to pretend to be too cool for it.
phones if you’re listening to John Williams. And then we’ll have to contend with the Port-
land Monthly’s Beautiful Pastries to Look at, touches my mail will read. But campaign post-
Questions and answers. But You Can’t Have Any Because You’re Not cards somehow manage to be a thousand times
The only thing Portlanders can ruin faster than Doing Carbs Right Now... Week. And then worse. Instead of a picture of London Bridge,
a Facebook conversation is a Q&A session. the Asian Reporter will… still mostly cover it’s stock photos of a young couple looking at
LIGHTNING
“We’d like to take a couple of questions, so if you the world of pandas. They found a niche and
could—” and there are already 47 people in line they’re sticking to it. I respect that.
their bills and some insane text like, “Measure
71 requires your kids to be gay—and you’ll have
BONUS
waiting to give a rambling speech about how to pay for it!” I need a spam filter for real mail, ROUND!
they’re polyamorous and live in the woods and Like, half of the where the postal carrier just automatically
would you like to comment on that? And it’s at beer festivals. recycles it. r/Portland. Our city deserves a better
the end of a show, so every traveling podcast If there were only 42, that would still be fine. corner of the internet. For some reason
or performance ends like you’re eating at a Violent counter- this one is just pictures of sunsets mixed
fancy restaurant except the dessert is made That full-contact protests. with calls to murder the homeless.
by a kid. Seems nice for the kid, but the last haunted house, that Your heart is in the right place, but it’s like
taste in your mouth is spaghetti tacos. broke somebody s teeth. that saying about wrestling a pig: You get dirty Breaking into cars. There are more
Haunted houses are all bad. They’re just jump and the pig likes it. I’m not saying leave them puddles of broken glass around the city
Pizza innovation. scares and imagery from the mental health alone, we just need to evolve our counter-pro- than crow craps. If you’re going to break
Like everywhere else in the world, Portland industry. But Gresham’s House of Shadows test strategy. Just like the Unipiper and the into cars, please go to Lake Oswego
was overrun in the last year by a new breed of took it up a notch by making the awful genre street preachers, we need to fight Nazis with where they can afford to replace their
pizza place that answers the question nobody truly unbearable: Now out-of-work actors with demonstrations that Nazis will hate. What if, windows.
asked: “What if pizza was more like Subway?” chainsaws can… break your teeth? No, nope, instead of ski masks, Antifa was known for Wapato Jail. The current reality show
Stop Blazing and Modding pizza. In fact, stop no please, no thank you. Haunted houses need staging elaborate corgi fashion shows? That Extreme Makeover: Jail Edition still
innovating pizza completely. Pizza doesn’t to add molestation like Santa Con needs more would distract the cameras away from the doesn’t have a fun ending. Maybe let’s
need to be fixed! Pizza is already the one thing nudity. You’re taking a bad thing and making Nazis, and the corgis would love it! Look at not try to flip any more prisons, huh?
we can be proud of as a species, so just stop. it so much worse. that little puppy in a cowboy hat. Now that’s
We already won at pizza. We need to learn to a proud boy.
take pizza for an answer. All the campaign mailers.
Postcards are already worthless. It’s a picture
Ugly sweaters. you didn’t take of a place I’m not going, plus Alex Falcone is “Portland’s Funniest Person 2018,” a co-host of the hilariously funny weekly
Oh, a holiday themed one! Fun! Half the cloth- space for one sentence that everybody who show Earthquake Hurricane, and author of the YA mummy romance Unwrap My Heart.16 MERCURYTHINGSTODO.COM • JANUARY 3-16, 2019 • THINGS TO DO
THINGS TO DO • JANUARY 3-16, 2019 • PORTLANDMERCURY.COM 17
Portland Trail Blazers vs.
Oklahoma City Thunder
Fri Jan 4
Moda Center
BRUCE ELY / PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS
Portland Trail Blazers vs.
Oklahoma City Thunder
Our Top 10 Picks for Everything! The I, Anonymous Show
Wed Jan 9, Curious Comedy Theater
January 3-16
The Trail Blazers open up a five-game home
stand with a visit from perennial all-stars
Paul George and Russell Westbrook and an
Oklahoma City Thunder team who appear
to have found their groove for the first time ters (a professor who investigates the effects of two days! Can you do that? Will you
since parting ways with Kevin Durant in of stress and trauma on children), Anthony be okay? I know you reeeeallly like hor-
2016. Expect a well-rested Blazers side to be C. Lopez (another prof who explores political ror. Tickets are always insanely cheap
up for the challenge when the two division radicalization and hatred), and beloved former too ($25 for a two-day pass). I think
rivals meet for the first time this season in a Portland comedian Caitlin Weierhauser (a Jantz does it for the love (of blood). (Sat
nationally televised game. (Fri Jan 4, 7:30 pm, professor of hilarity who wonders why pugs Jan 5 & Sun Jan 6, 1 pm, Mission Theater,
Moda Center, 1 N Center Court, $34 & up, A) were invented). This will be a good show. (Sat 1624 NW Glisan, $5-25) SUZETTE SMITH
CHIPP TERWILLIGER Jan 5, 8 pm, Siren Theater, 315 NW Davis,
$15) WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY The Space Lady
Stand Up Science with Shane Mauss From a strange planet a zillion lightyears
Look, I know all about you: You’re smart—very PDXtremefest away comes the Space Lady, who’s
smart, in fact—AND funny! That’s why you Horror fans, here is your fest! Every year, local been covering classic rock hits like “Born
must attend Stand Up Science with Shane filmmaker and horror fancier Jeremy Jantz to Be Wild” on her Casio keyboard for de- AARON LEE
Mauss! This sharp-as-a-tack comedian and puts together a binge-worthy weekend of cades. Instantly recognizable by her winged evaluates them in depth along with a panel
podcaster is bringing smarts and laffs togeth- indie horror films for gore fans to marathon. Viking helmet, the Space Lady busked in the of the funniest people in the cosmos. This
er for a very illuminating and entertaining This year’s haul includes 10 features and 31 ’70s to support her kids and draft-dodging month’s panel includes the whip-smart comic
show, featuring three great guests: Sara Wa- shorts—that’s 41 horror films over the course husband, but soon became beloved for her minds of Hunter Donaldson, Elena C. Hayden,
hauntingly beautiful synthesizer songs. This and Steven Wilbur—so if you love to laugh,
show has sold out of advance tickets—be- this is the place to be! (Wed Jan 9, 7:30 pm,
TERRI LOEWENTHAL
The Space Lady cause she rules—but there will be a limited Curious Comedy Theater, 5225 NE MLK, $10
Sun Jan 6 number available at the door. (Sun Jan 6, 9 at merctickets.com) WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
Turn! Turn! Turn! pm, Turn! Turn! Turn!, 8 NE Killingsworth, $12;
w/Barry Walker Jr.) CIARA DOLAN Girl Fest 2019
The annual all-ages concert hell-bent on
The I, Anonymous Show showcasing the Pacific Northwest’s most
Kick off the new year right by attending one promising young women in music is back
of the funniest comedy shows in town: The on its bullshit, giving you something to be
I, Anonymous Show! Join host Kate Murphy excited about in January. In years past,
(2018 Undisputable Genius of Comedy) as the event has featured artists like the Last
she reads aloud the wildest and craziest Artful, Dodgr, Parisalexa, Blossom, and Haley
confessions and rants sent to the Mercury’s Heynderickx. This year’s festival will highlight
I, Anonymous Blog and then psychologically three-piece rock outfit Dirty Princess,
Continued on pg. 19
A MEANS ALL AGES VISIT MERCURYTHINGSTODO.COM FOR PORTLAND’S BEST EVENTS CALENDAR—FEATURING MUSIC, PERFORMANCE, MOVIES, AND MORE!You can also read
