On! Paper! Celebrating our 2500th run in the sun! - London Hash House Harriers
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On! Paper!
London Hash House Harriers Volume 43 Issue 1 June 2020
Celebrating our
2500th run in the sun!
ashy 2 ! !
H 500t h to u s
LH3 Hash Contacts ON-ON for Oz!
We’ve had flood and worldwide pandemics, but,
Grand Master if you remember, 2020 started with Australia
being on fire! We all saw this tragedy unfold on
Clifton “Chi-Su” Alden-Jones TV with many Australians losing their homes and
lh3gm@londonhash.org millions of animals killed or injured.
___________________________________________________________ The hash world were moved into action by all
Hon Sec this and many chapters raised money for the
firefighters and animal rescue shelters.
Ian “Qualified Seaman” Caig London H3 also did their bit and had collection
lh3onsec@londonhash.org mugs passed around by Scrumpy over several
___________________________________________________________ runs.
Edit Hare However, this was all around named storms.
Clifton “Chi-Su” Alden-Jones But, we still managed to raise £230. Thanks to
chi-su@hotmail.co.uk one of our Social Sex, Call Girl’s company FTI
___________________________________________________________ Consulting, our donation through the company
Hare Raiser was raised up to £360 altogether.
Yvonne “Knickers” Rice-Oxley The donation was split between WIRES and a
lh3hare@londonhash.org subsidiary of NSW Rural Firefighters.
___________________________________________________________
Send items for this mag to the edit hare above.
Many thanks to all who sent in jokes or photos for this
issue.
Download the colour version from the website http://
www.londonhash.org/hashtrash.php
This magazine is private & confidential and for
members of the London Hash House Harriers
Forthcoming Events - wider hash calendar
Date Event Where Webshite Contact
24 - 26 April interhashtrini-
World Interhash Trinidad Port O Spain H3
2020 dad2020.com
Full Moon Nash
5 - 7 June 2020 Dorset geoffkirby.co.uk Hardy’s H3
Hash
26 - 28 June hursleyh3.co.uk/ (K)nights of the
UK Nash Bash Winchester
2020 nashbash.html Round Table
interhashtrini-
15-19 April 2021 World Interhash Trinidad Port O Spain H3
dad2020.com
25th - 27th June Jurassic UK Full
Dorset geoffkirby.co.uk Hardy’s H3
2021 Moon Nash Hash
2 - 4 July 2021 Interscandi Tallinn DNH
19 - 22 August eurohashprague. Not a Prague
Euro Hash Prague
2021 com hash event!
Run 2493 Knickers set a lovely run around Gunnersbury, that included The Bulls Head, a drink stop at her house, Gunnersbury which she is in the process of renovating. KC spotted a South 2nd Sept 2019 American Charango on the walls, which he had to give a try Hare out. This is a member of the lute family and probably originated Knickers in the Quechua and Aymara tribes. RA I had my brother and sister-in- Who Killed law along with me; Crusty Nuts Kenny and Hard to Come, who were over from Malaysia on a visit. However, Gunnersbury to Hither Pack Size Green seemed to be a very 39 hard return journey that took us several hours. - ED 3 What is worse than ants in your pants? Uncles
Run 2495
9th Sept 2019
The Rose and
Crown,
Hyde Park Corner
Hare
Woof Woof
Woof
RA
Sparerib
Pack Size
30
Actual spotted
birthday card!
Pope’s
60th
Birthday
run
4 My drug test came back negative. My
dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Run 2496
O
ur Summer hashing
season finished for The Little Green
the year with a very Dragon Ale
pleasant trail set by a new hare House,
for London, My Perfect Cousin, Winchmore Hill
at a new location, a sweet bijou 16th Sept 2019
little craft brewery called The
Little Green Dragon Ale House. Hare
The owner was very welcoming My Perfect
to this joint hash run with Herts. Cousin
Starting on a warm barmy
afternoon, it was dark by the
RA
time we got to the On Inn, Mr X
indicating that the time had
Pack Size
finally arrived to leave Mondays
behind us and embrace 30
lunchtime weekend drinking
as the days continue to get
shorter!
5 I have 3 kids and no money, why can’t I have no
kids and 3 money?
Hash
Humour
With all this
talk of Corona
Virus, the
people who
make sanitising
gel are rubbing
their hands
together.
Yesterday my
supply of toilet
paper was
exhausted.
Times are really
rough.
The science
community I went
has figured
out that the to the
spread of chemist
Coronavirus
Every disaster movie starts with the today and
is based
solely on two government ignoring a scientist asked the
things. assistant
1. How My coworker keeps farting, asking for “what kills
dense the
population is their lunch and playing on her tablet the Corona
2. How while I do all the work. I went to HR Virus?”
dense the and they just said ‘leave my grand She replied
population is baby alone.” to me
“Ammonia
Before Cleaner”
Corona I said “Oh,
Virus I used
to cough to I am sorry,
cover a fart, I thought
now I fart you worked
to cover a here”
cough.
6 When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Y
ou can’t let a little
milestone like your
2500th run go past
unacknowledged
in some way. The London
Hash was very lucky that
20th-22nd September 2019
was a glorious late summery
weekend - perfect for three
days of festivities.
The weekend consisted
of a Friday pub crawl, full
day on Saturday with our
Trains, Planes and Boats
run,and a hangover run on
Sunday. Huge amounts of
planning and coordination.
Many thanks to the LH3
Mismanagement, Catch
the Hare and anyone else
involved.
7 Last night, I played poker with Tarot cards … got a full
house and 4 people died.
Run 2497
W
e returned to a
previous LH3 theme The Paternoster,
for our Saturday St. Paul’s
trail, covering three forms of
transport, as well as feet. The 21st Sept 2019
Trains, Planes and Boats run
gave us a tour of docklands. Hares
Road Runner,
Qualified
Seaman, Chi
Su
RAs
F*cked3Ways
& Sparerib
Pack Size
107
8 The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they
always take things literally.
9 Sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.
T
he 2500th
Celebratory Weekend
finished with a
hangover Sunday
Run. Catch the Hare had
requested to look after this
one, as this was their usual
time of the month and they
did a splendid job!
10 I told him to be himself. That was pretty mean I guess.Run 2498
W
ith all the effort the
Mismanagement The Coach &
had put into our
big celebration the Horses,
weekend before, several of the Barnes Bridge
committee decided to hang
up their trainers at the Annual AGPU Run
General Piss Up this weekend!
The new committee did look 28th Sept 2019
quite different, as a result.
However, we thanked all the Hares
exiting committee members,
who have been fantastic long
Chi Su, Not
term servants to the LH3 for Out & Big in
many years and have earned a
rest! Japan
RA
F*cked3Ways
Pack Size
61
Welcome to
the ‘new’
mismanagement
of the London
Hash House
Harriers:
GM
Chi Su
On Sec
Qualified Seaman
RAs
F*cked3Ways,
Kenny, Skylark,
Road Runner
Hash Bank
Not Out
Hare Raiser
Knickers
Haberdashery
Wander Off, Big in
Japan
Social Sex
Call Girl, Woof
Woof Woof
Webshite
Skylark, Kenny
Hash Flash & Trash
Chi Su
Hash Cash
Black Hole, King
Hash Stats
Titanic Dickhead
11 Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups.
The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’*child spits out food*
mom: ‘Hey! We don’t
spit. If it’s in your
mouth, you swallow.”
*dad raises eyebrows*
mom: ‘Shut the fuck
up.”
On hearing that her elderly
grandfather has just passed
away, Katie goes straight to her
grandparents’ house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and
comfort her. When she asks
how her grandfather has died,
her grandmother replies, “He
had a heart attack while we
were making love on Sunday
morning.” Horrified, Katie tells
her grandmother that two
people nearly 100 years old
having sex will surely be asking
for trouble. “Oh no, my dear.
Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out
the best time to do it was when
the church bells would start to
ring. It was just the right rhythm.
It was nice, slow, and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply
in on the ding and out on the
dong.” She pauses, wipes away
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns a tear and then continues, “And
to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to if that damned ice cream truck
do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn hadn’t come along, he’d still be
the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the alive today!”
engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I
go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the Two girls were comparing boy-
bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and friends. “Mine’s the best,” said
yells at me for staying out so late!” His buddy looks at him the first. “I call him Seven-Up
and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. because he’s 7 inches long and he’s
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, always up!” “Oh yeah,” exclaimed
throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands the other, “I call my boyfriend
on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ ....and she’s Jack Daniel’s because he’s the best
always sound asleep.” hard licker there is!”
12 I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.Run 2499
The Plough,
Southall
5th Oct 2019
Hares
Double Entry
& Shuffle Cock
RA
Skylark
Pack Size
39
-
Run 2500
The Victoria
Tavern,
Loughton
13th Oct 2019
Hare
Smartarse
RA
Mr X
Pack Size
25
13 This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.Run 2501
The Viaduct,
Hanwell
19th Oct 2019
Hare
Sir Humpalot
RA
King
Pack Size
20
14 Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.Run 2502 We had some pleasant late Autumn
The Hare and rural runs with trails set by old
favourites like ‘Rib, Humps and Sin
Hounds, Bernard and hares new to LH3 like
Osterley Stevie Blunder and Miss Bean.
The latter decided to set a live trail,
26th Oct 2019 following the way they have set trails
abroad for other chapters. Being largely
Hares a bunch of old farts, there wasn’t much
Stevie Blunder chance that we were ever going to catch
& Miss Bean them up and we didn’t. We started the
chalk talk by celebrating a rare victory
RA over the All-Blacks with a down down
for those arriving in black hash gear.
F*cked3Ways
Pack Size
36
-
Run 2505
The Black Horse,
High Barnet
16th Nov 2019
Hares
Sparerib &
Sin Bernard
RA
Skylark
Pack Size
27
15 My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a
hunch, it might be me.Run 2504
I
think LH3 chose the correct due to the quantity donated -5 10th Nov 2019
weekend day to have the litres, couldn’t find enough of
run. Saturday was very wet them. We had a big tin of 5% The Brewhouse &
and cold and it went to Slash with a special man proof tap
- a Religious Adviser may have on it. As it wasn’t woman proof Kitchen,
been of benefit! Sunday was as well, I was able to open it Hoxton
bright and clear though freezing and dish out lots of generous
cold, but surely it’s just that time portions. Hare
year? Freeloader had a few drinks as Freeloader
The run was from The did quite a few others, including
Brewhouse And Kitchen next Titanic for jumping out the way RA
to Hoxton Overground. A “P” every time 50 Shade’s phone Skylark
trail was also laid from Old rang during the run. Apparently
Street which is how me and it sounded like an old fashioned Scribe
Woofs got there. We turned bike bell and had Titanic
the corner of the street to see hopping round all over the Knickers
RA: Reach
a really Around
attractive pub under place trying to avoid it.
the railway arches. Orangutan The best award went to Mickey Pack Size
was standing outside looking and Tampon. After a tough run 34
lost, possibly thinking the for a dog the size of a muff,
place looked too attractive. Tampon needed a meal. 50
Inside was a huge selection of Shades anticipated this and
mostly homemade beer and had a tiny sized bag of dog
some hashers, kept in excellent food in her bag, some of which
condition due to the general she poured out into a bowl and
refrigeration of the pub interior. put it on the floor. As I heard it,
Chi Su was back in command Tampon might have been next
again after a week away on to the bowl having a preliminary
sick leave. He had some 2020 sniff at it, mouth open ready to
calendars to sell. As there tuck in, but Mickey not being a
were no visitors or virgins dog to pass up the opportunity
he introduced Freeloader, of a feed shot over to the bowl,
who explained that due to nudged Tampon out the way
circumstances beyond his and downed the snack in one
control- the late running Circle mouthful.
line and consequently his late Overall the pub was really quite
arrival at the pub, the run had dog friendly, they even put out
to be shortened at both ends. a swimming pool for Tampon
Amazingly, nobody was heard to though predictably, Mickey
complain. One notable feature used it as a drinking bowl.
of the run was a longish stretch Another Down Down went to
with lots of runners ploughing Optimist for navigation. As
up and down it, so we were to Skylark put it, some hashers
show off our prowess amongst carry an A- Z, some hashers
them. Ho ho ho! have a phone and use Maps
We set off north with loud but Optimist navigates his way
puffing, along the back, round Hoxton quite accurately,
side and front of the Geffrye by strip bar locations. Who
museum, now closed for knew he was so keen?
maintenance and then made Late arrivals were Mick Pisser
our way clockwise to the canal from Houston, Texas, whom
where we were to show off our Juices Flowing had advised
prowess. Enough said. From not to teach us any rude
there we went through a park songs, so he didn’t, yawn; and
and wound up at Colombia Contour and Tango who’d
Road Flower Market. It was been shopping at the market.
packed like it always is and They were so late we only saw
rather predictably, we lost the them as we were leaving and
trail because it didn’t go that then only just. If Woofs hadn’t
way. The FRB’s milled around noticed that Contour was the
for a while and then after 10 person staggering along almost
minutes or so, we all at once completely hidden by the
found the correct route, but not shrubbery he was carrying, we
for long. The next check had us would have. Tango had been
milling around again. We were shopping at Columbia Road
all West Londoners feeling lost Flower Market and ever the
and out of place in East London, gentleman, Contour loaded
so as only Optimist knew where himself to breaking point.
we were, we stuck to him all the Notes about the run - it was
way back. fine. Well done hare. Thanks
After some beers Skylark until next time. On on,
scratched around to find some Knickers.
miscreants to ply with beer, but
16 I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory: all I did was take a day off!Run 2506
“The Where Are We? Water the draught beer was “off” – returnee, King – not finding
Down Downs Run” and there was either no barrel Call Girl on his alphabetical list, The Eagle,
to change it for or no one to Robocop – running backwards, Ladbroke Grove
Being a geographic dunce, change it. Stevie Blunder and Miss Bean
I tried and failed to get to
Ladbrook Grove. Fortunately, This unfortunate state of affairs
– forgetting Spud’s doggy Hare
bags, Knickers for misspelling Rambo
TFL knows that people write did not affect Thunderthighs Ladbroke Grove and Scrumpy
what they hear and I arrived at or me – we just ordered
The Eagle at traditional on out bottomless Bloody Marys and
for pointing it out (Bickers and RA
Grumpy), Thunderthighs – to Skylark
time. prosecco with our brunches. water down the Bloody Marys
In protest, all the down downs
The trail had plenty of loops – were water…..
and others I cannot remember Scribe
or decipher.
cut off for those of us who are
now slower on trail. We took As I was eating my lunch at DD
Scrumpy
Then it was on on down to
in Wormwood Scrubs Park and time, I shall try to read the RA’s the next pub for all the beer Pack Size
Kensal Green Cemetery before notes
making our various ways back Rambo – hare, Invisible Matt-
drinkers! 34
to the pub, only to find that ?, Yorky Porky -?, Lady C On On
17 I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I
also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it.Run 2507
The Ship,
Mortlake
30th Nov 2019
Hare
K4
RA
Sparerib
Pack Size
38
-
Run 2508
The Rose &
Crown, Sloane
Square
8th Dec 2019
Hare
Reach Around
RAs
Skylark &
F*cked3Ways
Scribe
Sleek Cheeks
Pack Size
31
18 Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.Sunday, Dec. 8, 2019 edges and went into shot back to the pub. also received notice
Run #2508 Knightbridge. The Unfortunately, it was also for going to the wrong
Hare: Reach Around most harrowing part of a straight shot past The pub, as did Rambo for
Pub: Rose and Crown at the run, in my humble Antelope. This proved showing up a day early.
Sloane Square opinion, was attempting to be too much of a 50 Shades had to drink
Scribe: Sleek Cheeks to cross Knightsbridge temptation to the hare, twice 1). For being too
Road without the and it was at this point late for the trail because
A
large-ish pack of benefit of traffic signals. that Reach Around she was attending a dog
31 or so gathered Skylark and his death made his excuses and Christmas party and
together at the wish darted right into disappeared until much, 2). For being blonde.
Rose and Crown in the frantic traffic, while much later. Sir Humpalot was
Sloane Square (no, several of us made Back at the pub, the honored for getting so
Skylark, not the Rose ineffectual tries to cross. Rose and Crown drunk at the CLAWS
and Crown anywhere Finally, the hare made regulars were tucking Christmas party he
else) in anticipation use of his considerable into their Sunday hadn’t remembered
‘’
of a trot through the “presence” to stop roasts (which did look paying the pub for the
upper-class mecca of traffic and yummy) and party the day earlier.
Sloane Square, formerly get us to the the hashers Kanye drank for also
infamous as the home other side. started going to the wrong pub
of the Sloane Rangers. We were grumbling and for being the hasher
There were no Rangers rewarded the Sloane Square about their who knocked over
in sight for this event, by going equivalent of the own missing the display on his way
however, just a rather lot down one of lunches. through Waitrose. This
of hungry pub regulars the prettiest stink eye What about being a political season
waiting for their Sunday mews down- as well as the Christmas
lunches and giving the with some downs? season, Contour
assembled hashers tempting pubs. Some Where was the hare? was recognized for
the Sloane Square of us succumbed to Dawn’s Crack could be belonging to all three
equivalent of the stink the temptation and seen outside the pub on political parties so was
eye. For those unfamiliar were not seen again her mobile, attempting eligible to vote whoever
with the stink eye, just until some time later. to lure the hare away was the majority party.
think of the look you You know who you are, from The Antelope. At this point, Reach
might give if Pope Humpalot. Eventually, down-downs Around finally showed
decided to change It was after this point went on without him. up, got his down downs,
t-shirts in the middle of where the hare showed Led by Fucked 3 Ways, and everyone settled
the pub after the run. a bit of hesitation about visitor Virgin Mobile down to enjoy the rest
Puhleez! the direction of the from Tampa, Florida, of the pre-Christmas
But I digress. The trail. “I’m not sure this Doormat, Onur, and Sunday. Oh, and Tango
hare, Reach Around, is legal” said Reach, Crash Test Dummy went shopping.
gave practically no outside of an upscale from Istanbul were On out.
instructions on the run, Waitrose. I immediately recognized. Skylark
except to explain that realized his dilemma,
he had to change the having set trail last year
location, pub, pretty in this exact spot. The
much everything after Waitrose in question
his initial pub choice runs the length of a very
in Hyde Park Corner small block. So, in the
decided at the last back door, stroll through
minute that it did not the store, and go out
want the hash business. the front. No problemo.
In other words, they We summoned all of our
gave us the stink eye. nonchalance, and began
On out! The run cleverly our strolling. Easy peasy,
wound around Sloane until we came across
Square and South a clerk mopping up
Kensington, sailing past what appeared to be a
notable landmarks here smashed display of wine
and there. The V&A bottles. Not wanting to
was spotted. Numerous know what happened,
mews were traversed. but fearing for the
Soon we were at Hyde worst, we sped up and
Park, site of the original successfully exited the
run. But instead of store.
heading into the park, After this it was a
we skirted along the relatively straight
19 The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing
somebody’s cast.The Annual CLaWs Christmas party this
year was on Saturday 7th Dec, back in the
Paternoster, St.Pauls. This year’s theme was;
Monsters
20 The person who invented knock knock jokes should
get a no bell prize.Run 2510
The Springfield
Bowls and Social
Club, Ealing
Common.
Joint with
Marlow H3
21st Dec 2019
Hares
Martian
Matron &
More On
RA
Skylark
Pack Size
65
21 Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.Run 2511
28th Dec 2019
The Mitre,
Richmond
Hare
Buttplug
RA
Skylark
Pack Size
38
22 I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my
sister.Hash
Humour
A hot looking blonde walks
in to a casino and wanders
up to one of the craps tables.
She looks at the two table
handlers and says “I want to
bet $25,000 dollars. It’s all
the money I have. The only
request is that I play topless as
I have found that this provides
me the most luck at winning.”
The two men agree and watch
anxiously as the woman
unbuttons her blouse, removes
it, and then removes her bra.
She puts the money down on A
DN ST
the table and rolls the dice. TE
As the dice stop, she starts
jumping up and down and
Girl: Baby I am wet.
A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to screaming, “I WON I WON
I WON!” She gathers her Boy: Want a paper towel?
ripen so she goes to her neighbour with her problem. The
neighbour says, “All you have to do is go out at midnight and winnings puts the chips in her Girl: No, I want more than
dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the bag, pulls on her shirt and that
tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright walks out. Boy: Want 2 paper towels?
red.” The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her The two men at the table look Girl: No, baby I want sumthing
garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neigh- at each other, one asks the
bour comes over to the woman’s house and asks the woman if big and round
other, “So what did she roll?”
her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says “No, they’re The other man says, “I thought Boy: Damn you want the whole
still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!” roll?
you where watching?”
23 I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!Run 2512
1st Jan 2020
The Victoria,
Victoria
Hare
Doormat
RAs
Skylark and
Sparerib
Pack Size
42
24 People who like trance music are very persistent. They
don’t techno for an answer.With a lot of “help from my friends” here Chestnut Avenue, we were back on course Just ???? for being a visitor and ended up Run 2513
goes the hash scribe for Jan. 4th 2020. again. being named for falling over when running
The Roebuck,
Shortly after exiting Bushy Park, we through a church on trail but not suffering
Cheers! Ana
headed pretty much straight across to the injury, due to her now “Broken Airbags” Fulwell
A sizeable group of hashers and hounds Thames, to where the hare had arranged a Skylark for his hashy burpday 4th Jan 2020
met up at the Roebuck pub in Fulwell - drink stop of whisky. Fucked 3 Ways for incorrectly calling out
with that combination and the proximity I’m sure that there were several of us who Knickers for returning a cocktail to the Hare
of Bushy Park, was this going to be a deer assumed, wrongly, that we’d be just a bar, when the real culprit was Last Tango.
hunt? couple of hundred meters from the home Oooooh for being so focused on listening
Skylark
The pack set off remarkably on time at
pub - how wrong we were (it turned out to to heavy metal on her earphones that she RA
be nearly 3km)! After a down river false followed a completely innocent jogger and
1pm - how often does that happen?
trail, we crossed the bridge into central ended up off trail. Double O accompanied
F*cked3Ways
To no one’s great surprise, after a couple Kingston. Confusingly there was a curved her, because if one OOoooh drinks, all Scribe
of twists and turns in suburban Fulwell, arrow at the bridge end, directing (some OOooohs drink.
we entered Bushy Park to our first of) us toward the river. Much time was Bhopal for running through the Drink So Fart Ana
check. The hare had done a good job in spent checking for further marks up and Stop without stopping.
calculating the time it would take for the down river before it was decided that the Not My Choice for checking out both
Pack Size
FRBs to find the trail from each check, trail MUST go down river, where our sides to entire block and confidentally 35
this giving the slower hashers time to groupet eventually picked up the trail announcing there was no trail there, when
regroup and the FRBs the opportunity again. It seems that the real trail actually the trail was clearly visible on the first
to run an additional couple of hundred went into central Kingston, passed corner marked with a big arrow.
meters in largely hapless scouring of the through the market and even entered a Humps and Marxist for arriving to an A
numerous potential footpaths and trails. church before reaching the river bank. to B run in bicycle/car.
A relatively small amount of shiggy and Once on the river bank, there were still
After the circle and on return to the bar,
a stream crossing had been incorporated two more checks before we eventually
we were rather surprised to be met, shortly
into trail just to keep up traditions. found away to the Brewhouse. This fine
thereafter, by the just arrived Lofty.
Having passed through the fenced garden boozer had a large selection of beers,
area in the centre of the park, the FRBs sufficient to satisfy all tastes! Return travels home were long for most
were liberally scattered around trying hashers, due to the hare not having
Down downs given for following
and failing to find the next check....even checked whether the very local Surbiton
Skylark for a shitty trail,
the hare was unsure where he’d laid the station would actually be operational on
Fat Bastard for baggage carrying
trail but eventually, and having crossed the day....which it wasn’t!
25 I once saw two people wrapped in a barcode and had to ask —
“are you an item”?Hash A guy’s talking to a
Humour girl in a bar.
He asks her, “What’s
your name?”
She says, “Carmen.”
There was
a young He says, “That’s a
Whore from nice name. Who
near Kew named you, your
Who filled mother?”
her Vagina She says, “No, I
with Glue. named myself.”
She said He says, “Why
with a Grin... Carmen?”
“If they pay She says, “Because
to put in, I like cars and I like
They can pay men. What’s your
to get it out name?”
Too!” He says, “Beerfuck.”
–
Two men were
talking. “So,
how’s your sex
life?”
“Oh, nothing
special. I’m
having Social
Security sex.”
“Social Security
sex?”
“Yeah, you
know, I get
a little each
month, but not
enough to live
on.”
Three old men were talking about
how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, “My hands
shake so bad, that when I shaved this
morning, I cut my face.”
The second old fogey one-upped
him and said, “My hands shake so
bad, that when I trimmed my garden
yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.”
The third old man laughed and said,
“That’s nothing. My hands shake
so bad that when I took a pisś
yesterday, I came three times!”
Online Store: Thanks for the order. We’re going Jesus do?”. Then, I pretend to be dead and
to tell you it’ll get there by tomorrow, but it disappear for three days.
won’t really come ‘til next week.
Guy: Perfect, could you also email me once the fuckening
every 12 hrs for the rest of my life? When your day is going too well and you don’t
trust it and some shit finally goes down.
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, “what would Ah, there it is...the fuckening
26 I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.Houdini bangs on the door. Run 2514
“Why can’t they let us in?”
“Because its five to twelve and they open at twelve!” 12th Jan 2020
The Rifleman at Strawberry Hill
Picks up his gun, he’ll shoot to kill. The Rifleman,
Houdini bangs on the door again. Five minutes have past. Strawberry Hill
The Rifleman puts down his gun
Hares
and settles down to watch the run.
After the mandatory 40 minutes of gossip, the bags are Sir Humpalot
stored in the ancient kitchen of the ancient pub. & Minge and
and Chi Su calls the “On Out”. Tonic
Visitors, returnees Smart Arse and Up My Arse are
introduced. RA
Minge and Tonic has designed the trail, but Sir Pope
Trumpalot has the flour.
Scribe
“No drink stop—it goes that way” and a sharp right turn
leads us to Fulwell Station. Orangutan
Along a muddy track between the railway and a golf Pack Size
course, down to the 313.
The pub is on “Fourth Cross Road”.
34
If you check the map you will find “First Cross Road”,
“Second Cross Road”,”Third Cross Road”, “Fourth Cross
Road” and “Fifth Cross Road”.
The first check is at the cross roads — we cross the road and
a second check sends us to Laura’s Gate and into Bushy
Park, home of red
deer and fallow deer. On into the park.
Four or five small dogs were chasing up and down, yapping
excitedly. The deer sit unconcerned in the long grass
ruminating contentedly.
In winter, the deer are partial to nibbling the bark of the
trees so carpenters have fixed planks of wood round the
trunks.
Through a metal gate, we are in the water garden.
Through another metal gate and we are out of the water
garden, crossing a football pitch.
Why has the groundsman marked the pitch with blue lines?
Out of Bushy Park, cross the road, down a path to the golf
course.
A golfer tees off, Bhopal follows the ball and loses the trail
-- turn left to the river Crane!!!!
More mud -- Trumpalot forgets which way Minge went
but we’re not far off.
We find the street to the On Inn.
Down Downs
Houdini for banging on the door
Kenny for late R.A.
Pope for usurping R.A.
Bhopal for getting lost on the golf course,
Dingo for mixing up Smart Arse,
Optimist for having two hats,
In Orange for 150 run mug
Rent Boy for being late,
Sleezy for wrong trail,
Hands On and Thunderthighs for something to do with
cider.
The Hash disperses
The Rifleman goes back to sleep.
P.S.
You can find all you need to know about numbers in
“The Invention of Numbers by RHS White”
Check it out on the Web.
regards, Orangutan
27 I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had
his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!Run 2515
A
fter what seemed 18th Jan 2020 possible 50 to 100K drop in rabble were called to order
weeks of rain, finally property values were heard. Is to witness punishment of the
the day dawned The Coach and there not a more appropriate following extremely guilty (with
sunny and frosty, a Horses, Euroland bag to remind the one exception) sinners.
good incentive to get a decent locals (such as Rollback) Rambo - Dogging(not sure with
sized pack out to run off their Barnes Bridge of their second homes on what species)
Friday night hangovers in the the continent? There was Man Magnet - Dog pollution
leafy environment of Barnes.
Hare speculation that the flour might Pickled Fart - wandering off
As usual the first check was at Call Girl not be organic. somewhere
the foot of the railway bridge Having slithered across part Pusseye - Oversleeping church
and with nothing over the river RA of the common we passed due to allegedly being kept
and not even a nasty back Who Killed the Marc Bolan memorial awake by partyers (one for the
check to piss off the pack it Kenny still adorned with plenty of Inquisition to rule on)
soon became obvious that we tributes. A more modern day The Scribe - Shocking Wander
would be squelching across the Scribe rock star would surely have off by displaying appendage
RA: Reach
common, Around
the overnight frost Mad Cow driven an armoured SUV whilst watering a tree on the run
having thawed out enough to rather than a flimsy Mini that Fat Bastard - overtaking KC
guarantee particularly heavy Pack Size would have made short work (maybe KC had a heavier bag
levels of glutinous shiggy not 46 of the disobliging tree that than usual)
helped by Frankie depositing carelessly got in his way. The Call Girl - hare and lowering the
an enormous turd totally hare managed to duplicate a tone with Poundland bag
disproportionate to his body bit of Thursday’s WLH3 run, F***ed 3 Ways - Dipping his
mass, but at least he didn’t but no-one noticed as it was so finger in the I Love Pussy Socks
choose a railway platform wet that night. After yet more Scrumpy and Houdini - had
this time. The hare caused slithering across the common difficulty finding the pub which
considerable consternation and the usual route via the is all of 200 yards from the
to the property owning locals pond we passed a farmers station
by carrying the flour in a market that definitely was not No Foreplay - Went to a
Poundland bag FFS!!! She had competing on price with Lidl, running club in search of
a far more appropriate M & S but then this Barnes darling, we men!!!!!
bag to disguise this example must price out those damned 2 Returners whose name I could
of chavdom packaging, chavs. Finally the pack arrived not decipher from the RAs
but choose to ignore local back at the pub to slake their scrawl
sensitivities. Mutterings of a thirst and after due interval the ON ON
28 I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.Run 2516
Marxist had convinced suitably named Marxist). 25th Jan 2020 Not far from home, King
Brown Nose to assist him started complaining about
But we got to the Heath, and The Wrestlers,
(in the absence of Crusher). the hills. Clearly, he didn’t
strolled (or some of us did)
Basically, Brown Nose was so
past Kenwood House. The Highgate know Highgate. This was
grateful to Marxist for a lift proven when he managed
runners were running up and Hares
home the previous evening, to lose himself. Eventually,
down a bit, except Knickers, Marxist &
after a Burns Night in the Road Runner went out to
who took a short cut. We
Bowls Club, that he would
passed the Old Dairy, visited Brown Nose look for him and found him
have offered to do anything. still inspecting the real estate
by Mad Cow, and then came RA
He’s not called Brown Nose at 3:15pm.
across what was clearly a Skylark
for nothing!
cross-country race. Not an Skylark was RA, and his job
But Marxist is a very ordinary cross-country race, Scribe was helped by the gift of
convincing kind of guy, and, but one involving large More On 12 free pints from the pub.
RA: Reach Around
in addition to Brown Nose, numbers of sporty young Among those called up after
he persuaded about 15 other ladies. I believe records were Pack Size the hares were Mad Cow,
City Hashers to show up. So broken, as they sped off very 60 for being sick (poisoned?)
with the extra visitors who rapidly to avoid the attention at his own birthday party,
were in town to celebrate the of certain members of LH3. Thunderthighs and Squirrel
60th birthday of Billy the Fish Invisible Matt should have for nursing Burns-induced
(Rambo’s wife), and a couple been renamed “King Leer”! hangovers, and Mark, a
of virgins, it was a very large But off we went, only to virgin, for wearing such old
pack of about 60. encounter the race later on, shoes that they fell apart after
above the ponds. a few hundred yards. The
Most people thought we
visitors were welcomed, and
would be heading straight for From there it was back to
Hedgehog was penalised
the Heath, but Marxist led us the pub, eventually. Not
for refusing to check. The
in a loop, the main purpose before a tour of more real
Scots - Rhode Island Red and
of which was to show us estate, including Witanhurst
Pickled McFart – were called
some of the real estate of House, the largest private
up to honour Robbie Burns,
Highgate. And impressive residence in London (other
and as it was also Chinese
real estate it was, albeit way than Buckingham Palace),
New Year, a few people born
beyond the price bracket of and George Michael’s former
in a variety of Chinese rat
the average hasher (with the residence. No drink stops at
years were rewarded.
possible exception of the either.
More On
29 For a while, Houdini would use a trap door in every single one of his show – I guess you could say
it was a stage he was going through.Run 2517
01/02/2020 (le lendemain du Brexit) 1st Feb 2020 wet? No particular mishaps, apart from a little
gazunder by Skylark, when he found himself on
The Hash does not do politics. So of course it
was coincidence that the hares were dressed in
The Wheatsheaf, the wrong side of the railway line (explanations
Tooting Bec for our younger members from More On or
“his and hers” blue polo shirts, with circles of
from Skylark himself, or even from me, though
golden stars on the backs. Plus Chi Su wanted a Hares I don’t know the Dutch equivalent). Back to
Dutchwoman to do the run write-up (swan song
before deportation?). I was almost tempted to
Tablewhine & sodden fields, nearly-lost shoes, and the final trot
do it in Dutch, or in a combination of European Ryde to the drink stop. This was a retro affair, egg
nogg, a treat from the sixties according to the
languages, but thought that might suggest a lack RA hares. It seemed strange to me to celebrate taking
of respect for British sovereignty.
Fucked 3 Ways sovereignty back by concocting a drink with
So let us stick to the hashing story. This was Dutch Advokaat as the main alcoholic ingredient,
a fairly novel location, the surprisingly green Scribe but there is no accounting for British whims.
wilds of Tooting Bec. Apparently it was Ryde’s Martian There were After Eights as well, for Invisible
RA: Reach
original Around
stomping ground in London, before she Matron Matt to demonstrate his woeful lack of acrobatic
discovered the bright lights of Ealing. No District skills (and earn himself a free beer for the circle).
or Piccadilly lines, but a respectable pack size Pack Size
37 Back to the pub, and its nice collection of beers.
nevertheless, attracted by the promise of shiggy,
Circle outside, and weather was permitting,
and possibly a drink stop. There was a virgin,
more or less. I duly scribbled down all the
young Richard, lured to the hash by Wander
misdemeanours, but some of them do not make
Off (and warned off the more mature Harriettes
much sense, and didn’t even at the time. Why
by More On – he knows). And our own visiting
did Pope get a drink for bullshitting - is that not
professor Wouldn’t Chew (Dutch) had heard
what he is supposed to do? And what was the
that the Hash was still open to global talent. So
convoluted story by Cuntour and Tango about
she had interrupted her journey from Oxford
Wouldn’t Chew and a French Comedian?
back to Manneken Pis to give us her ten (Euro)
Brexit again? Those filthy continentals… We
cents’ worth of advice - and to add to her record
don’t need those, we have our own Spare Rib,
of real ale tastings (can’t say these Europeans are
punished for upskirting Wander Off (okay,
not open-minded).
she was wearing leggings, but you get the gist).
Shiggy there was aplenty, even if often cleverly Mouthwash had donated artworks (who to and
hidden under innocent-looking lush meadows. It by whom? his own?), and More On just did his
was wet underfoot, wet, wet, wet, but the sun was 401st “run”.
shining brightly. There were lots of families with
Time to go, a long way back for some, and many
kiddies, dogs, and school sports teams about. Felt
thanks to Ryde and Tablewhine for a fun Hash
a bit like we were guests at a family outing. We
(en bedankt voor de Advokaat!).
turned left and right, and all over the place, just
as a proper hash should do. And did I say it was Martian Matron
30 Keep the dream alive — hit your snooze button.things porn has
taught us
1. Women wear high
heels to bed
2. Men are always rock
hard and ready to go
3. Women smile
appreciatively when
men splat them in the
face with sperm
4. Women enjoy having
sex with middle aged
men
5. Women moan
uncontrollably when
giving a blowjob.
6. A blowjob will always
get a woman off a
speeding ticket.
7. A common and
enjoyable sexual
There’s a practice for a man is to
new sex take his half-erect penis
position and slap it repeatedly
called the on a woman’s butt.
“Parcel 8. Double penetration
Force.” makes woman smile.
You can 9. Nurses regularly suck
stay
a patient’s penis
in all
fucking 10. Woman orgasm
day and when men do.
nobody
cums!! Two drunks visit a
brothel.
The Madam takes
I made the on look at them and
mistake of says to her manager,
telling my “Go put inflatable
husband an dolls in two
early symptom bedrooms. These
of COVID is guys are too drunk
loss of smell. to notice.”
He’s taken to During the walk
passing wind home one guy says.
in my vicinity “I think my girl
and then was dead, she never
During one of her daily classes, a teacher try- when I react, moved and never
ing to teach good manners, asked her students the informing me made a sound.”
he is helpfully The second guy
following question: ‘Michael, if you were on a date ‘performing a says, “I think mine
having dinner with a nice young lady, how would health check’. was a witch.” “Why
you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’ He taught the do you say that?”
asks his friend.
Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’ children the “Well, I bit her
The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be technique. on the arse. She
rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how I may divorce farted then she flew
would you say it?’ Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but
him. out of the fucking
window!”
I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right Be like Darth
back.’ ‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say Vader during
the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, My boss texted me, “Send
lockdown:
little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and me one of your funny
He wears a mask.
show us your good manners?’ Little Johnny said: He doesn’t visit
jokes.”
I replied, “I’m working at
‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for his children.
the moment. I will send you
a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear He’s socially
and emotionally one later.” He replied, “That
friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to was fantastic! Send me
distant.
after dinner.’ He follows orders. another!”
31 I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day —
that’s a bit of a stretch.Run 2518
9th Feb 2020
The Brockley
Brewery,
Brockley
Hare
Mr X
RAs
Sparerib + 2
Scribe
Mr X
RA: Reach Around
Pack Size
22 plus 25
from other
hashes for
this joint run
S
torm Ciara threw her would be a collection after the Gispert ‘G’, the hash founder
best at the British Trail for the Australian Wildlife with his connection to Brockley,
Isles this weekend, Fire Rescue, with Scrumpy the origins of the Hash House
but it wasn’t really taking around the Ozzy pot. Harriers, and sadly his death
noticeable until later on in Before the pack headed off, Mr out in Singapore during the
the morning. Perhaps that X drew a butt-shaped check. Japanese invasion of 1942.
was enough of an excuse Juices Flowing looked on The pack now had to wait for
for some not to even try puzzled until it all suddenly fell the landlord, Cesar, to arrive.
and venture out, but the into place when she exclaimed, Mr X presented the framed
‘Oh! They look like bottoms!’ story of this little bit of local
pack slowly gathered at the There was an early Re-group history close to our hearts.
Brockley Barge, with Pope outside No.80, Breakspears Hands were shaken, pictures
and BoBo being the first LH3 Road, as the hare wanted a taken and Cesar took charge
hashers through the doors. picture of the pack outside of of the framed story which is
Then on to the Brockley No.80, with its blue door hidden going to be mounted on one
Brewery where we would behind the overgrown trees and of the pub’s pillars. The hash
leave bags and have the bushes, as this is the birthplace signatures, with their mother
chalk talk. of ASI Gispert. Chi Su caught hashes, on the back will now be
up and now had a chance to try like a time capsule on the pub
The pack were informed by the out his new camera. Then, he wall.
Cesar is a splendid landlord,
‘’
Hare that the trail was set the shocked the onlooking pack as
day before. But, trail was still he handed it over to Sparerib as Mr X’s earlier attempts
there in a doughy consistency. to take another shot with Chi Su at contacting ‘Spoons were
Importantly, there had been in the frame! What? After the falling on deaf ears until Cesar
a change of plan as the trail last set of photos you’d have stepped out to help us out.
would no longer go past the thought Chi Su would have The remaining hash supped up
Gispert Family Memorial, since learnt his lesson with Sparerib’s and returned to the brewery mounted
the Council had closed the somewhat obscure angled where we heard the words no
Brockley & Ladywell Cemetery shots! hashers want to hear, ‘we’ve run on the
for safety reasons. Back in the Brockley Barge, out of beer!’ We kid you not, pub’s
There was going to be a Beer
Stop back at the Brockley
before ending back at the
brewery where our bags were,
the real ale had all been drunk
and the staff didn’t know how to
pillars
Barge, because Mr X wanted a Mr X produced a picture frame change the barrels! So, the pack
photo of the Hash in a group to and placed it upon its front for had to make do with bottles.
send on to the Brockley Society, the pack to sign the back. With Sparerib would make sure Mr
who are kindly publishing an the back signed by all present, X was suitably punished in the
article on ASI Gispert in their pictures were taken as the Circle.
next month’s Newsletter. hash took in the front, which on on,
It was also mentioned that there revealed the history of ASI Mr X
32 My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: I just
couldn’t concentrate.Run 2520
22nd Feb 2020
The Worlds End,
Finsbury Park
Hares
Fucked 3
Ways & Road
Runner
RA
Road Runner
Pack Size
43
33 Moses had the first tablet that could connect to
the cloud.Hi Chi Su Run 2522
If you remember where the Russian girl, who 7th March 2020
came over from Italy, came from, replace ....stan
with the name, otherwise leave it.[Kazakhstan The Chancellors,
- ED] Hammersmith
I couldn’t remember the “small lady of slight Hare
build”, if you do then replace with her name
Thanks, here goes: [sorry, forgotten - ED] Bhopal
RA
The P trail led to The Chancellors pub not far
from Hammersmith Bridge. Pope
At about 12.15 the On Out was called and the
girl from ???istan was introduced.
Scribe
She was over here from Puglia on the heel of Orangutan
Italy—“But not from the North” cries More On.
Corona is on the mind. Pack Size
Bhopal directs us to an arrow that points round 39
a nearby corner. Optimist bounds into the lead
but its a false trail!
I recall the hash at Highgate—Brown Nose was
the hare but not a hundred yards from the On
Out we were on a false trail which felt quite odd.
A short way on and Bhopal has another falsey:
False trail to the left of us,
False trail to the right of us,
On to the valley of Death
went the brave hashers.
Down the underpass—it’s another false trail.
We’re on a trail of false trails.
Brown Nose, architect of the early false trail in
Highgate, had influenced Bhopal’s thinking!
Black Hole comments on the logic of the false
trail: “It keeps the pack together”.
A check in an underpass, a few more false trails
and we turn left into The Valley of Death.
Headstones lay flat on the ground, it’s Chiswick
Cemetery.
Humps is paying homage to “Frederick Hitch”.
“He was an important star in the film “Zulu” “,
say Humps.
Who are we to argue with such depth of
knowledge?
We are soon heading towards the Thames.
There’s a left pointing arrow and Not Out looks
puzzled: “Why has Optimist gone straight on?”
He shouts, “Hey, the arrow’s here”, but Optimist
shouts back “Its a false trail”.
—How does he know? He’s not been down it.
Further on another arrow points round to the
left— but the arrow points the wrong way!
That’s it, we’ve hit the Out Trail! All Hail to
Optimist!! —he’s saved us going round twice.
‘’
Now we are back by the Thames, the
Houseboats are in view.
The drink stop (Bhopal’s boat) is not far off.
We climb the metal steps.
Rambo and More On help with the bread
and sausages with nibbles and cheese for the
veggies.
On to the
A small lady of slight build squirts our hand valley of
with Dettol. Death
We chat, time passes.
Then I see Martian Matron taking the lead, went the
followed by Not Out, Big in Japan and the girl brave
from ???istan, back to The Chancellors
and the rugby enthusiasts wait to see England hashers.
beat Wales.
All the best Chi Su, Orangutan
34 I can’t wait till Sunday, I’m gonna see my
favorite niece and my other niece…Run 2523
15th March
2020
The Castle,
North Acton
Hare
Des Res
RA
Pope
Pack Size
28
35 I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days
already.Photos knicked from Urine - Thanks!
The Leap Year gang organised this 9th Leap Year Hash. It was the last large
gathering of many different hash chapters before lock down.
Thanks to; Bonnie, Sparerib, Optimist, Robocop and Urine - hopefully
haven’t missed anyone? Can’t remember the date off the top of my head.You can also read
