FREE! GET YOUR FUNNY ON! - Dalhousie Gazette

Page created by Rodney Strickland
 
CONTINUE READING
FREE! GET YOUR FUNNY ON! - Dalhousie Gazette
Cover Photo by Pau Balite   145-22 • Mar. 15 - Mar. 21, 2013

                                   !EERF GET YOUR FUNNY ON!
FREE! GET YOUR FUNNY ON! - Dalhousie Gazette
March 15 - March 21, 2013 •

                                   WEEKLY
                                   DISPATCH                                                                                                                    staff
                                                                                                         Katrina Pyne, Editor-in-Chief                                                               Chris Parent, Photo Editor
                                                                                                               editor@dalgazette.com                                                                     photo@dalgazette.com
                                                                                                                    Torey Ellis, Copy Editor                                                Ethan Calof, Online Editor
                                                                                                                      copy@dalgazette.com                                       Joelline Girouard, Asst. Online Editor
                                                                                                   Daniel Boltinsky, News Editor                                                               online@dalgazette.com
                                                                                                Calum Agnew, Asst. News Editor                                                                Ben Gallagher, Other Editor
                                                                                                           news@dalgazette.com                                                            theothergazette@dalgazette.com
                                                                                                       Sam Elmsley, Opinions Editor                                                     Jonathan Rotsztain, Art Director
                                                                                                           opinions@dalgazette.com                                                              design@dalgazette.com
                                                                                                      Andrew Mills, Arts Editor                                                              Paul Balite, Financial Manager
                                                                                               Meagan Deuling, Asst. Arts Editor                                                                  business@dalgazette.com
                                                                                                           arts@dalgazette.com
                                                                                                                                                                                  Aaron Merchant, Business Manager
                                                                                                       Ian Froese, Sports Editor                                                         advertising@dalgazette.com
                                                                                             Graeme Benjamin, Asst. Sports Editor
                                                                                                                                                                                     Isaac Green, Advertising Manager
                                                                                                          sports@dalgazette.com
                                                                                                                                                                                            advertising@dalgazette.com

                                                                                                   contact us                                                                            advertising
                                                                                                       www.dalgazette.com                                                                          Isaac Green
                                                                                                        The SUB, Room 312                                                                    Advertising Manager
                                                                                                      6136 University Avenue                                                                     902 401 9666
                                                                                                       Halifax NS, B3H 4J2                                                                advertising@dalgazette.com

                    DO YOU BELIEVE                                                                                                              tnirp enfi eht
                                                                                                          The Gazette is the official written record of Dalhousie University          This publication is intended for readers 18 years of age or older. The

                    IN YOUR UNION?
                                                                                                      since 1868. It is published weekly during the academic year by the          views of our writers are not the explicit views of Dalhousie University. All
                                                                                                      Dalhouse Gazette Publishing Society. The Gazette is a student-run            students of Dalhousie University, as well as any interested parties on or
                                                                                                         publication. Its primary purpose is to report fairly and objectively      off-campus, are invited to contribute to any section of the newspaper.
                                                                                                        on issues of importance and interest to the students of Dalhousie               Please contact the appropriate editor for submission guidelines, or
                                                                                                         University, to provide an open forum for the free expression and          drop by for our weekly volunteer meetings every Monday at 5:30 p.m.
                                                                                                       exchange of ideas, and to stimulate meaningful debate on issues                  in room 312 of the Dal SUB. The Gazette reserves the right to edit
                                                                                                  that affect or would otherwise be of interest to the student body and/             and reprint all submissions, and will not publish material deemed by
It’s the second last issue of the Gazette for the year so time for our wrap-up.                          or society in general. Views expressed in the letters to the editor,         its editorial board to be discriminatory, racist, sexist, homophobic or
                                                                                                    the Streetr, and opinions section are solely those of the contributing           libellous. Opinions expressed in submitted letters are solely those of
This year, we’ve worked incredibly hard to transform the structure and culture of the DSU           writers, and do not necessarily represent the views of The Gazette or              the authors. Editorials in The Gazette are signed and represent the
                                                                                                  its staff. Views expressed in the Streeter feature are solely those of the             opinions of the writer(s), not necessarily those of The Gazette staff,
into something that’s open and accessible to you and all 17,000 of your fellow members.                        person being quoted, and not The Gazette’s writers or staff.                               Editorial Board, publisher, or Dalhousie University.

There’s always more to do, but we’re proud of what we’ve done and we hope you are too.
Here is a list of the top 10 initiatives we have seen from the DSU and our members in
2012/13:
                                                                                             1) Students of Halifax, unite!
• Empowered student input through the creation of Soapbox, our 24/7 online platform (we         Benjamin Blum, Opinions
directly implemented 25+ student submitted ideas)
                                                                                             2) Dal Curling Club prepares for nationals
• Created a lively SUB filled with great food, free foosball, lively music, and lots more       Benjamin Blum, Sports

• Opened the T-Room during daytime hours and worked for better services on Sexton            3) DSU executive propose leaving CASA—Kristie Smith, News
                                                                                             4) Candidate Profile: Josh Gummett
• Strengthened advocacy through government lobbying and grassroots organizing, along
                                                                                                Calum Agnew, News
with enhanced student presence at Board of Governors, within municipal elections, and
provincially                                                                                 5) Joyce Murray: Q & A—Paul Rebar, News

• Made life easier for student societies by streamlining grants and society policy

• Partnered directly with cultural and international societies to encourage diversity on
campus

• Engaged hundreds of new volunteers within the DSU through our “Hands On” campaign

• Opened forums of student representation by changing Faculty Society election
structures

• Increased social media reach by 250%, and established a useable TigerSociety system
and awesome new website

• Built campus community through events such as O-week, Dalfest, puppy rooms,
TEDxNovaScotia, our 150th Anniversary, SWITCH Street Festival, Impact Awards, Free School
and dozens of concerts and speaker events                                                       Attention Pre-Pharmacy Students
Let’s keep going! It’s been a great year, but there is a lot more to do. We’ve got a Union     Are you preparing for a MMI (Multiple-Mini Interview) for the
that’s ready to lead and now it’s time to take it to the next level. Are you ready?                College of Pharmacy, to be held April 27 & 28, 2013?

Check out a draft of our new Strategic Plan at www.dsu.ca and come discuss at our                                           Start preparing now!
Annual General Meeting on March 18, at 6:30pm (room 303), or send comments to
                                                                                                  Now accepting students for one-on-one MMI practice coaching sessions.
president@dsu.ca                                                                                        During this MMI interview simulation you will experience:
                                                                                                           • a large variety of practice questions and role plays
Lots of love,                                                                                                • tips on using body language to your advantage
Executive 2012/13                                                                                                  • confidence building for your interview
                                                                                                                       • copies of Gordon's Smart Tips©

   Stay connected with the DSU through Facebook & Twitter                                                         Call or email today for more information:
                                                                                                                         bluedolphin@ns.sympatico.ca
           Facebook Page: Dalhousie Student Union                                                                                (902) 225-7882
            Twitter: www.twitter.com/dalstudentunion                                                              Visit us at www.bluedolphintraining.com
FREE! GET YOUR FUNNY ON! - Dalhousie Gazette
swen

 swen
                                                                                                                                                            news covers Dalhousie and
                                                                                                                                                         the greater Halifax community.
                                                                                                                                                            Contributions are welcome!
                                                                                                                                                             Email Danpal and Lalum at
                                                                                                                                                                 news@dalgazette.com

                                                                                                                                                       Danpal Ball Tin Sky News Editor

Supermarkets compete for student dollars
Eleven per cent Tuesday discount introduced amid heated competition
Mort Moopstein                            his store and is pleased the program
Staff Contributor                         is expanding.
                                             Not so fast, says Quinpool Mar-
"Every little bit counts," says fifth-    ket Super-Duperstore manager Ben
year Dalhousie music student Dani-        Fisher. "Listen, Obey's may have beat
elle Myers, "If I'm saving 10 dollars     us to the 10 per cent and now 11 per
on groceries, that's money towards        cent discount, but we have everyday
tuition, books and mostly partying."      low prices so who can compete with
   Myers is referring to the discount     that?"
offered by national supermarket              Regardless of who the best retailer
chains in their bid to woo student        for students is, their target audience
shoppers and secure their loyalty         is happy with the increase. First-year
through ever-popular incentives like      Saint Mary's biology student Adam
10 per cent off when you show a valid     McAdams can't wait for the first
student ID on Tuesdays. And begin-        Tuesday in April to roll around.
ning April 1, the deal is set to rise a      "What is it, Thursday now?" asks
whole one per cent.                       gaunt-looking McAdams. "Sorry, I'm
   The decrease began in 2010, when       not so sure what day it is. I'm so hun-
Atlantic Canada-based Obey's super-       gry."
market chain first offered the 10 per        "With tuition, housing and other
cent off student savings. They were       expenses being so high, I can only
quickly copied by fierce competi-         afford to buy food on Tuesdays. The
tor Canadian Super-Duperstore who         rest of the week I fend for myself off
introduced their own 10 per cent          scraps and hand-outs, like from the                              Obey or the Super-Duperstore. Which will you choose? • • • Photo by Mort Moopstein
off Tuesdays the next year. Now the       food bank. I'm so, so hungry."
stakes are rising even higher as the         "Another one per cent off means        nationalized by the federal govern-         get."                                      a billion dollars in dividends next
Super-Duperstore follows Obey's           I'm going to be eating all that much      ment and transformed into people's             On the point of a discount cap,         year and that's simply unacceptable.'"
announcement of an increase to 11         more," McAdams drools with a hazy         cooperatives," Goldman dreams.              Obey's Hammond agrees. "Listen,              Myers says she's fine with the 11 per
per cent for the Tuesday student offer.   glint in his eye.                         "Until then we have to resist accept-       take what you can get at 11 per cent,"     cent and is also looking forward to
   "Listen, let's remember, we did it        Anti-poverty advocate Sheila Gold-     ing these discounts as progress and         he says. "Don't be getting greedy."        more savings in April. "Every cent I
first: twice!" exclaims Green Street      man says the 11 per cent savings aren't   press for real change."                        "Hey listen, we tried to get it up to   don't spend on fruits and vegetables
Obey's manager Seth Hammond,              good enough. "You have students who         When asked if he thinks savings           11.2 per cent, 11.3 per cent, but the      goes directly to beer and cigarettes,"
"We were the first to offer the initial   can barely afford to eat. Ten per cent,   would rise further, the Super-Dup-          shareholders wouldn't have it," says       she says. "Bring it on."
10 per cent off for students and we're    11 per cent, it makes no differences      erstore's Fisher says no way. "Hey lis-     Hammond, "They said, 'We're a pub-           McAdams wasn't able to comment
the ones taking it up to 11 per cent."    when the cost of books and meals          ten, 10 per cent off, that cuts into our    licly traded company and we need to        further as he passed out due to hun-
Green says the discount definitely        keeps on rising."                         bottom-line and 11 per cent, forget         make a profit. If we cleared, let's say    ger pains.
brings hungry student shoppers into          "I'd like to see supermarkets          about it, that's as high as it's going to   11.5 per cent, then we'd pay less than
FREE! GET YOUR FUNNY ON! - Dalhousie Gazette
4      s w en                                                                                              March 15 - March 21, 2013 •

                                                                                                           White man hopeful for
                                                                                                            another DSU exec of
                                                                                                             solely white men
                                                                                                         Sandy Gross                              event or campaign that the DSU
                                                                                                         News Contributor                         actually put on this school year, but
                                                                                                                                                  said the executive did a “phenomenal
                                                                                                         Looking back on a year where he says     job.” He added unequivocally that he
                                                                                                         his marginalized views were finally      would have re-voted for all of them if
                                                                                                         represented, a white man is hopeful      given the chance.
                                                                                                         that next year's Dalhousie Student          Smith plans to choose who he is
                                                                                                         Union (DSU) executive will once          voting for this month by examin-
                                                                                                         again consist solely of white men.       ing campaign posters for the famil-
                                                                                                                                                  iar presence of a privileged suburban
                                                                                                         “I CAN ONLY                              white male that looks like him.
                                                                                                                                                     The last all-male DSU executive
                                                                                                          DREAM OF                                was in 2006-2007.
                                                                                                                                                     The third-year student from an

                                                                                                          THE SAME                                out-of-touch upper class family in
                                                                                                                                                  Toronto expressed no concern what-
                                                                                                                                                  soever that only three of the 19 candi-
                                                                                                          THING FOR                               dates running for a DSU position this
                                                                                                                                                  year are female.
                                                                                                          NEXT YEAR.”                                “Isn't that the way it should be?”
                                                                                                                                                     This awful comment follows a
                                                                                                                                                  publicized campaign by StudentsNS
                                                                                                            “It was comforting to know that in    to increase the representation of
                                                                                                         a school with over 17,000 students of    women in student politics that Smith
                                                                                                         an array of race and cultural back-      was obviously not privy to. Despite
                                                                                                         grounds that my student union would      women representing 58 per cent of
                                                                                                         be composed not only of men but that     the province's student population,
                                                                                                         all five of them would be Caucasians!”   only two of 11 university student
                                                                                                         says Jake Smith, which a source said     union presidents and 42 per cent of
                                                                                                         was the whitest name she has ever        all elected representatives are women
                                                                                                         heard of. “I can only dream of the       this year, explains the student advo-
                                                                                                         same thing for next year,” Smith         cacy group in a media release.
                                                                                                         added excitedly.                            Smith flatly rejected any sugges-
                       While not Smith, a typical white man. Close enough. • • • Photo by Britt Martpa      Smith could not recall a single       tions that he is a racist.

Plan for it.
                                        As a potential employer, I would
                                        be extremely interested in
                                        candidates who have a Loyalist
                                        post-graduate certificate
                                        in FUNDRAISING AND
                                        DEVELOPMENT. Practical
                                        experience and exposure to the
                                        latest best practices is a definite
                                        edge over the competition.
                                        There is a real void of qualified
                                        candidates who truly
                                        understand the complexities
                                        of fundraising—Loyalist’s
                                        graduates will be well served
                                        and better positioned for the
                                        competitive job market.
    Rhonda Cunningham
    Fellow of Association of Healthcare Philanthropy (FAHP)                                                                                                  DAL
    Executive Director of Northumberland Hills Hospital Foundation                                                                                          VOTES
                                                                                                                                                             2013
What’s your plan?
    For information, contact                                                                                                                        DSU ELECTIONS
    Professor Kerry Ramsay, kramsay@loyalistc.on.ca
    1-888-LOYALIST ext. 2127 • TTY: (613) 962-0633
    Learn about additional Loyalist post-graduate
    opportunities—visit loyalistcollege.com/postgrad

    Great careers don’t just happen—
    they’re planned.                                                                                                                                FULL COVERAGE,
                                                                                                                                                      CANDIDATE

BELLEVILLE, ON        LOYALIST
                      my college • my future
                                                                                                                                                    PROFILES & MORE
                                                                                                                                                   WRITE FOR US!
FREE! GET YOUR FUNNY ON! - Dalhousie Gazette
s w en      5

           These are not Nova Scotia doctors. • • • Photo by Christine Child

     Province totally                                                                      AUDITIONS
     spaced on hiring                                                                         NOW HIRING
        surgeons                                                                            ACTORS, SINGERS,
          Surgery wait list grows as
          health officials day-dream
                                                                                             AND MUSICIANS
            about clouds, margins                                                       We are looking for approachable, energetic and musical
Dick Johnson                                 outcomes of the margin-size commit-
News Contributor                             tee meetings.”                             individuals who can enthusiastically bring to life the
                                                Beginning in 2003, a series of
Government health officials have             summer students began the work of
confirmed a leaked memo that sug-            migrating the list to an online data-      story of Alexander Keith, his sociable spirit, and his
gests there are no actual surgeons           base. None of the officials know how
left in the province and there haven’t       to use the database, but they have
been in almost 20 years.                     been assured it is sufficiently large
                                                                                        contribution to Nova Scotia Good Times!
   The memo reveals that the prov-           and complicated to satisfy provincial
ince’s last remaining surgeon was            guidelines.
an otolaryngologist who relocated
to Ontario in 1994, following what
                                                Routine operations and same-day
                                             surgery procedures still occur regu-
                                                                                                Auditions run Friday April 5
turned out to be the region’s last           larly throughout the province. Rogers
actual legitimate surgery, a routine
tonsillectomy conducted without
                                             says Nova Scotia Public Health Ser-
                                             vices has found “a small team of fam-
                                                                                            and Saturday April 6 by appointment.
incident.                                    ily physicians, nursing students, and
   Sources say the vacant surgeon
positions were never advertised due
                                             a group of repurposed migrant farm-
                                             ers to take over the work during this...
                                                                                                     Call backs April 7
to a clerical error in the deputy min-       curtailment.”
ister’s office.                                 Statistics show patients rarely
   Health officials at the time tried        make formal complaints or pur-             Email resume to keithsbrewery2013@gmail.com
a variety of methods to tackle the           sue malpractice claims as they don’t
shortage.                                    know the difference. “Also,” says Rog-
   “We employed our natural talents,         ers, “they are generally quite pleased      to book an audition. If you have any additional
our top bureaucrats, and quickly             to get their hands on some real opiate
began an invaluable, on-going assess-
ment of the scope of the problem,”
                                             prescriptions.”
                                                With so few surgeries being con-
                                                                                                questions please call 453-3700
said assistant to the assistant vice         ducted, many hospitals and health
deputy Lee Rogers.
   “We didn’t bother telling anyone
                                             clinics have been leasing their nicer
                                             operating rooms as oddly furnished
                                                                                                    and leave a detailed message
about the...curtailment, but we did          bachelor apartments. Most are being
have staff compile an early list of the      used for storage. Investigators were
names of residents requiring surgi-
cal procedures, added new names as
                                             led to one operating room contain-
                                             ing a stack of old chairs, mounds of
                                                                                                   Must be 19 years of age
identified by general practitioners,         used clothing, four boxes of imported
discussed margin size, and occasion-
ally revised the list, depending on
                                             iPhones, a stray cat and two old men
                                             playing cribbage.
                                                                                                 and available to work full time.
          STORY VIA HFX_HEADLINES:                                                            Contracts run April 26nd – Oct 31st
  Atlantic Canadian faux news brought to you by
   real fake reporters. Fake News that Matters.                                         Theatre background an asset but not a necessity
                   Follow L@HFX_Headlines
FREE! GET YOUR FUNNY ON! - Dalhousie Gazette
6   eritas                                                                                   March 15 - March 21, 2013 •

           WHAT’S                                                  DAL TIGER MEME
                                                              Didn’t anyone tell you—Dal has its own meme

                                                GRUMPY CAT                                          LOADED LADLE
          A MEME?

 UPLOAD YOUR
 MEME TO OUR
FACEBOOK PAGE!                                                                                              IS THAT A
FACEBOOK.COM/
  DALGAZETTE                                 WAS DELICIOUS                                                  SUBWAY?
PUPPY ROOM: HIT                            100%                      BINDERS                     SNOW DAY                  OLDEST CAMPUS
                                                                                                                             NEWSPAPER

TIGER ROOM: FAIL
   3634_NSCCMetro_Dalhousie_Business.pdf
                                         TIGE
                                         1
                                               R BLO
                                           13-03-08
                                                         OD
                                                    9:09 AM
                                                                  FULL OF TIGERS               SNOW MELTS                  WORST JOKES

         Business. Just one of 140 career choices. Are you ready for a new set of marketable skills? Do what you love
         and gain the hands-on experience employers want. Build on your degree. Qualify for a career in:
         • Applied Arts & New Media • Business
         • Health & Human Services • Trades & Technology

         Apply today, start in September. nscc.ca | 1-866-679-6722
FREE! GET YOUR FUNNY ON! - Dalhousie Gazette
• March 15 - March 21, 2013                                                                            s w en         7

Dalhousie bomb shelter mistaken for library
  SERIOUS SAFETY HAZARD, SAYS CHIEF HALIFAX FIRE AND EMERGENCY INSPECTOR
                                             Kathryn Kitchener
                                             Staff Contributor

                                             The Killam, the largest all-pur-
                                             pose above-ground war shelter
                                             in the Maritimes, has become
                                             increasingly used as a library
                                             since the collapse of the USSR in               For example, the fallout slabs pan-
                                             1991.                                        eling the building mean almost noth-
                                               While some continue to stock food          ing if dwellers are unable to find the
                                             and iodine on the fifth floor, most          iodine. The over one million books,
                                             have absolutely no idea they endan-          one of the largest number for any
                                             ger Haligonian lives by loitering in         blast shelter in the world, can miti-
                                             the building.                                gate personal shockwave damage
                                                                                          only if individuals know how to cor-
                                             “ARE YOU                                     rectly duck-and-cover.
                                                                                             The Killam was specially designed
                                              OUT OF YOUR                                 to let in as little light as possible. In
                                                                                          the event of all-out nuclear war, it

                                              FUCKING                                     was thought, large windows would
                                                                                          shatter.
                                                                                             “I don’t know what you want from
                                              MIND?”                                      me,” said Leslie McBlok, a second-
                                                                                          year kinesiology student, when asked
                                                                                          to demonstrate her duck-and-cover
                                                General Louis Habermark of the            skills in the Killam atrium. “Are you
                                             Canadian Forces says the facility was        out of your fucking mind?”
                                             state-of-the art in the 1960s. “We              Incoming president Richard Flori-
                                             estimated that a battalion could hold        zone says he plans a series of classes
                                             the facility for well over a month.”         and workshops to raise awareness
                                                However, the use of the Killam as         of wartime counter-measures in the
                                             a study space has some experts wor-          bomb shelter when he takes office
                                             ried.                                        next year. Among these are “Bottle-
                                                “It’s not a matter of individuals         cap finance: how to think and grow
                                             using the facility per se,” said Halifax     rich in times of trouble” and “Sur-
                                             Fire and Emergency inspector Dale            vival ethics after the apocalypse.” It
                                             Carl. “It’s about secondary precau-          is unclear whether these will count as
                                             tions that allow the facility to facili-     credits.
                                             tate non-lethal outcomes in the event
                                             of near-complete annihilation.”
                                             The Killam Memorial War Shelter. INSET: Duck and cover. • • • Photo by Kathryn Kichener
FREE! GET YOUR FUNNY ON! - Dalhousie Gazette
snoinipo
                                                                                                                                                                                         snoinipo
                                                                                                                                                                    gazette opinions welcomes any
                                                                                                                                                              opinion backed up with facts, but we
                                                                                                                                                                  don’t publish rants. Email Sam at
                                                                                                                                                            opinions@dalgazette.com to contribute

                                                                                                                                                                     Sam Clumsy Opinions Editor

                                                                                                                                                           Keep an eye on the sky around September 1 to catch the
                                                                                                                                                            migratory species each year. • • • Photo by Cam Kerstun

                                                                                                                                            Scientists track Ontarian
                                          I think it looks great. • • • Photo by Alice Blebbbb

Rising water levels leaving downtown
                                                                                                                                              migratory species to
    Halifax awash in sea creatures
                                  Core of Halifax revitalized
                                                                                                                                                Atlantic provinces
Samantha Clumsy                              no property-clinging sea urchin has                 my spirits. There, you get the sense
                                                                                                                                                          FLOCK RETURNS HOME
Opinions Editor                              gone before. Once a critical mass has
                                             latched on to a site, they orchestrate
                                                                                                 that life is not static, that somewhere
                                                                                                 in the world, a group of creatures are
                                                                                                                                                          IN THE WARM MONTHS
Halifax’s downtown core has been             themselves to re-create the look and                tirelessly, endlessly, working toward      Erin McSlave                                  Dr. Byrd says the Institute has
dying by degrees. With the excep-            feel of the property, revitalizing the              an as-yet-incomplete vision.               Opinions Contributor                       been focusing their latest research on
tion of a few new store openings,            space to suit their vision.                            And they’ve been making some                                                       determining why so many Ontarians
businesses are continuing to leak              So far, their mission has met with                real headway. In October, they finally     A mass exodus occurs every year by a       are flocking to Nova Scotia and the
out through the doughnut hole. You           great success. Many of the storefronts              generated enough starpower to crawl        species originating from the province      other Maritime provinces.
can imagine my relief, then, when I          are now covered in their five-figured               up an historic properties building         of Ontario. This species travels to the       “We have been noticing that there
realized the entire thing was getting        bodies.                                             and cover the Morse’s Tea sign. It         rural, less populated, and often rainy     do appear to be recruitment efforts
a much-needed kick in the concrete             Personally, I think they’re doing a               was really the best place on which to      Atlantic coast in Canada. Scientists       being made by the Atlantic schools.
pants by a horde of starfish taking          super job. While some people grum-                  direct their efforts, as the sign had      have roughly pinpointed the start of       Natives go out to conscript new stu-
over the buildings.                          ble that the crawl from ocean to prop-              been painted in the early 1900s and        the migration each year to Sept. 1 and     dents in an effort to diversify the pop-
                                             erty is taking far too long, I say nay!             DESPERATELY needed a new look.             have been trying to determine what         ulation of the school. My colleagues
“YOU GET THE                                 The long, long, looooooong inter-
                                             val between setting their sights on a
                                                                                                 Haligonians, I’m sure, were getting
                                                                                                 super tired of knowing that no mat-
                                                                                                                                            causes the large migration.
                                                                                                                                               The flock, they have observed,
                                                                                                                                                                                       and I have noted 13 scouts have
                                                                                                                                                                                       recently been sent out over the Mari-
 SENSE THAT                                  building and actually getting there
                                             and making changes allows them
                                                                                                 ter what, the Morse’s Tea sign would
                                                                                                 be on that building when they went
                                                                                                                                            tends to congregate in the south-
                                                                                                                                            eastern part of Nova Scotia. They
                                                                                                                                                                                       time provinces—one has gone to the
                                                                                                                                                                                       prairies and two have been tracked
 LIFE IS NOT                                 to take stock of the situation. These
                                             creatures are methodical, deep,
                                                                                                 downtown. Who needs reminders of
                                                                                                 their city’s historic past?
                                                                                                                                            join up and coexist with members of
                                                                                                                                            the native species, forming groups
                                                                                                                                                                                       to British Columbia. What is remark-
                                                                                                                                                                                       able though is that we have tracked

 STATIC.”                                    future-oriented. Rome wasn’t built
                                             in a day, listless Barrington shoppers;
                                                                                                    Rumor has it, however, that the
                                                                                                 sign will be making a reappearance:
                                                                                                                                            (called schools) ranging from about
                                                                                                                                            150 to 15,000 members. They remain
                                                                                                                                                                                       four scouts to Ontario—they seem to
                                                                                                                                                                                       be focusing their energies within that
                                             we can’t expect that Halifax will be                the starfish are just covering it up       in the area until spring, when almost      one province.”
                                             rebuilt in one (or one million).                    temporarily as they suction towards        all gradually make their way back to          The Ontarians are responding to
   Rising out of the Atlantic, one pre-        Plus, I think the sense of flux gener-            greater goals. It’s just one stage in      Ontario for the summer months.             the efforts and seem to be drawn to
sumes at high tide, these crusty crea-       ated by the still-changing properties               their vision for redevelopment. Check         Scientists have been monitor-           the rainy weather of the East Coast.
tures are inching their way toward           excites a feeling of endless possibility.           back months from now and they may          ing the largest cluster of this spe-          Scientists at the Institute have
the downtown core with an eye to the         Literally endless! When I’m feeling                 have made more progress. Until then,       cies found in Nova Scotia, which has       studied the integration of the Ontar-
prize(s). Their mission: to instill new      glum, for five or seven months at a                 I’ll be down by the waterfront, with       around 15,000 members. They have           ians with the native population and
life in Barrington and surrounding           time, I make a point of walking by the              a life’s supply of food ( just in case),   named the school the “Dalhousie”           the behavioural and cultural differ-
area’s civilization, boldly going where      buildings on Barrington Street to lift              cheering them on.                          cluster and have been noticing an          ences between the two sects. They
                                                                                                                                            interesting ratio between the native       have perceived a strong tendency
                                                                                                                                            maritime student species and the           amoung Ontarians to stick together

              FREE GAZETTE WORKSHOPS
                                                                                                                                            incoming Ontarians.                        within the school.
                                                                                                                                               Dr. Beeg Byrd, a scientist with the        Dr. Byrd says that although the
                                                                                                                                            Institute for the Research of Species      Institute has confirmed that the
                                                                                                                                            Migration in Halifax, says the num-        Ontario species combines itself with
    Photography                                          Writing                                            Editing                         ber of Ontarian creatures in the Dal-
                                                                                                                                            housie school is “astonishing” and
                                                                                                                                                                                       the Atlantic species into a single
                                                                                                                                                                                       school, sometimes it takes a while
     1:00-2:00pm                                  1:30-2:30pm                                         3:00-4:00pm                           the number appears to be increasing
                                                                                                                                            every year.
                                                                                                                                                                                       for the different groups to effectively
                                                                                                                                                                                       blend together.
                                                                                                                                               “There has been an influx in the           “Sometimes the dissimilitude of
    RSVP: photo@                                RSVP: opinions@                                       RSVP: copy@                           past number of years. More and more        the two groups, coming from rural
                                                                                                                                            of them are choosing to depart from        and urban backgrounds, doesn’t
    dalgazette.com                               dalgazette.com                                      dalgazette.com                         the large urban centres of their home      allow for an easy integration process.
                                                                                                                                            province and, for some reason we           It may take several years for the dif-
                                                                                                                                            have yet to determine, they decide         ferent species to integrate fully. It also
                          Snack and drinks will be provided                                                                                 to come to Atlantic Canada. We see         appears that after four years, a mem-
                                                                                                                                            many of them are joining the Dalhou-       ber will almost always leave the Dal-
                          March 24, 2013, Rm 312, the SUB                                                                                   sie school.”                               housie school forever and may end up
                                                                                                                                                                                       almost anywhere in the world.”
FREE! GET YOUR FUNNY ON! - Dalhousie Gazette
• March 15 - March 21, 2013                                                                                                             snoinipo   9

                                            Pope? Nope. Think Ancient Aliens
                                     We need to change our focus and recognize who's really in charge
Karl Simmonds                               sight lines to old rulers and their
Opinions Contributor                        petty squabbles and fault-lines that
                                            never heal? The answer is of course
This week a number of ancient insti-        itself ancient and involves a global
tutions were once again in the news.        conspiracy.
Of course, the top story around the            The pope, the Queen, the Olympic
world is the sudden retirement of           Games, not to mention the endless
Pope Benedict XVI. Representing             coverage of the Oscars, Superbowl or
one billion Catholics worldwide, from       U.S. presidential elections are all a big
his seat in the Vatican the 2000-year-      scam, a huge lie to keep us distracted,
old papacy continues to be relevant         confused and unable to appreciate or
today. Case in point: Benedict is the       stop the real culprit, the man behind
first cardinal of Rome to "leave office"    the curtain, the ancient evil: namely,
in more than 600 years. Which is            the space aliens that actually run the
funny, because he's supposed to be          world.
God's representative on earth and              I don't know what this race of
usually they die in the position. I         beings is called, where they come
guess God screwed up somewhere.             from or why they're here on Earth,
   Old popes aren't the only historic       but one thing is certain: they are all-
stink wafting through our 21st-cen-         powerful, all-knowing and in abso-
tury headlines. Queen Elizabeth II          lute control. Since prehistory, we have
of the United Kingdom and British           been their obedient vassals, hardly
Commonwealth is constantly cap-             aware of their might or authority
turing public attention, such as her        over all human affairs. They built the
recent hospitalization. On the throne       pyramids, overseeing the armies and
since 1952, Elizabeth is herself a relic    banks and corporations of the world.
(not to mention the fact that the Brit-     They pull the strings on their pup-
ish crown stretches back many centu-        pet queens and popes and presidents
ries). Despite her old age and almost       leading us to believe are in charge,
entirely ceremonial position, any           when we are all their slaves.
time the Queen or her family so much           I discovered them one night when
as sneezes you know it's going to be        surfing the internet. Many websites
front page news. From the almost-           spoke of them, but when I would go
relevant drama of Charles and Di's          back to verify what I had read, all the
wedding, affairs, divorce and Princess      information had vanished without a
Diana's tragic death in a car accident,     trace. This removal is no coincidence;
to what weightless regime Duchess           the alien overlords are real!
Fergie is failing at, the royal family is   Read this article while you can,
under a constant media spotlight.           because the truth is fleeting. Even
   From global fascination with age-        now, they're watching every single
old feuds like the Israeli-Palestin-        one of us making sure we don't speak
ian conflict, the Olympic Games or          out or stand up against them. The
Brandy versus Monica, mainstream            aliens must be stopped! Human-
media's gaze keep us fixated on past        ity must be set free! Resist the Pope;
battle lines that continue to divide        forget about the Queen, Obama or
and conquer into the present day.           Romney. It's the aliens who have and
Even in an age of intense 24/7 cable        always will be our true masters.
news and ceaseless social media, it            Do you hear that? Oh no. They've
seems everything old is new again           been reading this, watching me, com-
and again and again.                        ing for me! Save yourselves, before
   But why is this? Why do the pow-         it's too late...
ers-that-be continue to narrow our                                                           You can’t see them. But they’re everywhere. • • • Photo by Bonathan Jotstein

 HRM pays municipal workers to spread snow, ice on sidewalks
                                                      New initiative bringing seniors into empty hospitals
Justin’ Hardly                              pastures and are now industrial drill-
Staff Contributor                           ing stations) the HRM knew employ-
                                            ment needed to be increased. The
Now that the winter storm sea-              new initiative has increased the num-
son is behind Atlantic Canada, the          ber of employed municipal workers,
HRM can look back at their newest           as well as hospital staff, for the HRM.
initiative with pride. The new plan         In addition to increased employ-
increased employment in the HRM             ment, the initiative also brought
and helped fill our empty hospitals.        much-needed traffic to HRM emer-
  The new initiative worked in five         gency rooms. Throughout Nova Sco-
simple steps:                               tia underused hospitals have been
                                            closing on weekends and cutting
• Call a winter parking ban immedi-         costs wherever possible. The HRM
ately at the first sign of snow             government was concerned that the
• During the wee hours of the morn-         only major hospitals in Nova Scotia
ing plow the streets and burying any        (the IWK, QEII or the Halifax Infir-
remaining cars                              mary) were doomed to fail of under-
• Have a new group of municipal             use like the hospitals in the province
workers travel behind the snowplows         backwoods.
and, with a hose, flood the sidewalks          The HRM knew they needed to
of the HRM so they would freeze             increase the amount of patients and
• Then, using the excess snow from          to would keep the hospitals in good
the street, have the newly employed         health. This new initiative increased
worker create huge snowdrifts on the        slipping hazards strategically aimed
city sidewalks                              at the retired populous because they
• The elderly fall on the newly iced        would not be leaving to go out west
sidewalks and are taken to the emer-        for work. Also, elderly citizens have
gency room                                  increased hospital stays compared to
                                            the university/young adult populous.
  This new initiative, which is the            Speaking from experience, this ini-
best received since the previously          tiative worked without a hitch. One
mentioned parking ban, was a stroke         weekend I had to work early on both
of genius.                                  Saturday and Sunday. On both of
  With so many Atlantic Canadians           these days I had to walk in the middle
travelling out west to greener pas-         of the road because of the constructed
tures (or, what used to be greener          slipperiness of the sidewalks.              High fives all around for a successful employment initiative. • • • Photo by Dup Danders
FREE! GET YOUR FUNNY ON! - Dalhousie Gazette
rehto
                                                                                                                 other other other. are you
                                                                                                            talented and hilarious? submit:
                                                                                                         theothergazette@dalgazette.com

                                                                                                              Ben Hallapher Other Editor
                                                                                                    Jonathan Botreen Other Other Editor

                          ADVICE FOR        REACTIONS                                              LOOKING BACK
                          STUDENTS          Post-grad prospects                                    Party talk
                          Charles           by likelihood —Jonathan Rottenstain
                          Taylor            CEO ¢
                              Philosopher   BARISTA ¢¢¢
                                 “Think”    WORLD TRAVELLER ¢¢¢¢¢¢¢
                                            UNEMPLOYED ¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢
                                            EXTRA YEAR OF SCHOOL ¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢
                                            ANOTHER DEGREE ¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢¢

                                            GET VENN’D                         SCAN
                                            Work                           IF YOU DARE!

                                                                      MYSTERY
                                                                      QR CODE                                                                  —Rebecca Roar

                                                                                                   KIND OF SATIRE IS
                                                                                                    doo doo dah dah
                                            —Daniel Goldenboy
                                                                                                      dee dee dee

                                            LOOK-A-LIKES
                                            Halifax f lag
 —Bethany Be-Right-Back

EAST COAST
Anne of Green Gables

                                                                                                                                              COMMON
                                                THE ORIGINAL                                              TORONTO                              PIGEON
                                                 KINGFISHER                    BIG BIRD                    BLUE JAY                                      —DR

IMPORTANT INFORMATION                                                 POETRY
2012-2013 DSU Executive                                               infomercial
                                                                      alternative lifestyle
                                                                      loss prevention
                                                                      doublespeak

                                                                      friendly fire
                                                                      downsizing
                                                                      moral majority

                                                                      compassionate conservative
                                                                      corporate responsibility
RACE

                                                                      smart bomb

                                                                      waste management
                                                                      family values
                                                                      capital punishment

                                                                      right to life
                                                                      immaculate conception
                                                                      regime change

                                                                      affirmative action
                                                                      coalition of the willing
                                                                      behaviourally challenged
                                                                                                    —Andrea
                                                                      —Jane Ruby                     Funheart
                              GENDER                            —JR
Say something about taxation
                                                                                                                                 By Jonny Rot and Big C AgNew

     “I’m too broke for that”                          “Tax the rich”                         “Tax returns are optional for    “It pays for public services”    “Tax increase means an increase in services”
           Sam Legere                                 David Figueroa                        international students like me”           John Hutton                          Ana Vidovic
         2nd-year English                            Vagabond Vintage                      Mandy Peng 3rd-year commerce        4th-year IDS and economics        Master’s of public administration

 “I advocate for graduated tax increases   “I would feel better about taxes if they went      “It’s good, but still sucks”       “Tax returns are good”                      “Oh god”
       to eliminate student debt”               towards more things I supported”                  Matthew Jamieson            Camille DesRosiers-Ste. Marie            Sabina Pollayparambil
       Alexandra Killhan                          Derrick R. Dixon Artist                             1st-year IDS              2nd-year marine biology                    3rd-year SOSA
3rd-year music and anthropology
erutlucstra
                                                                                                               erutluc & stra
                                                                                  arts covers cultural happenings in Halifax.
                                                                                              Email Andfrew and Meaban at
                                                                                                        arts@dalgazette.com
                                                                                                              to contribute.

                                                                                                   Andfrew Pills Arts Editor

    Willie Stratton and the Boarding Party hope
   to afford a couch with successful music career
                        Joana Tussler                                 Stratton says he “has someone who          nition of “making it” is,” he says.
                        Arts Contributor                           helps him take care of stuff,” and he’s       Fultz says, “Success comes from the
                                                                   “pretty sure its some kind of accoun-         pursuit of the things you love. It is
                        The name “Willie Stratton and the          tant.” He considers himself to be for-        important to be in control of all the
                        Boarding Party” is a clever adage to       tunate since other bands without an           possibilities in life and how each
                        Willie possibly being the only origi-      accountant or manager are forced              moment affects you. Hatred makes
                        nal member—and besides, changing           to take on mountains of paperwork             you lose momentum.“ He plans to
                        the name each time a new member            on their own, making the incremen-            “make [his] entire life into an art
                        joins would be exhausting. The cur-        tal profits of the music industry that        project” and believes that he can
                        rent Boarding Party lineup includes        much harder.                                  enact the social change he wants
                        front-man Willie, his younger sister          The band currently makes most of           through music.
                        Grace Stratton, a student at NSCAD,        its money through SOCAN royalties,               In ten years Stratton sees himself
                        Dave “The Obnoxious Silver Fox”            the Canadian copyright collective,            producing music in a big studio on a
                        Fultz, and Daniel Crowther, the Truro      as well as web campaigns for Roots            farm. Fultz isn’t sure he’ll be making
                        connection. Both Fultz and Stratton        Clothing Company and UNESCO.                  enough in the music industry to pay
                        left the student life to immerse them-     Unfortunately all the money goes              his rent in ten years, but hopes he’ll
                        selves in the pursuit of a full-time       into the band fund. This makes the            still have a couch.
                        music career, but in these economi-        band happy and allows them to travel
                        cally dubious times has it paid off?       and take care of “band things.” The
                           Both Strattons, like most other         members themselves find other ways                Check out Willie’s band at:
                        20-somethings, still live with their       to survive and be happy.                            WillieStratton.com and
                        parents and, unlike other siblings,           When asked about his success,
                        get on very well. On the other hand,       Stratton answered that “some people            WillieStratton.bandcamp.com
                        Fultz is the ultimate vagabond, who        might define success as being a bil-
                        crashes at his mother’s apartment          lionaire and stuff,” but all he asks for
                        while she’s in Florida if he isn’t couch   is to “sustain respect in his commu-          Romantic vagabonds.
                        surfing.                                   nity. It all depends on what your defi-       • • • Photo supplied

Student growing beard like Ben Caplan’s, has no regrets
             THE HIDDEN COSTS OF THE BEARD BRIGADE
                                                                   Andfrew Pills                                 “He just stood there with a can half
                                                                   Arts Editor                                   full of molasses beans, while we told
                                                                                                                 him straight: 'man, Ben Caplan has a
                                                                   Inspired by a rousing Ben Caplan              beard, but that doesn't mean he won't
                                                                   performance in October, third-year            attend to personal hygiene.'”
                                                                   sociology student Jeremy Morris
                                                                   is attempting to grow a substantial
                                                                   beard.
                                                                                                                 “THAT WAS IT,
                                                                      “Ben Caplan is like the love off-
                                                                   spring of a drunken sailor and an old          THE LAST
                                                                   testament prophet,” he said in one of
                                                                   many conversations after the perfor-           TIME I'VE
                                                                   mance while the incipient beardosity,
                                                                   which would soon take over his face            SPOKEN
                                                                   and life, was still but a few harmless
                                                                   bristles on his lower jaw.                     WITH HIM.”
                                                                      Morris, whose beard grows in
                                                                   irregular patches, says he's never
                                                                   gone “full Caplan” before, but it's a            “We sat him down and sort of gave
                                                                   choice he defends against the well-           him this ultimatum—reminded him
                                                                   intentioned interference of friends.          of everything he'd lost since he 'd
                                                                      “At first we thought it was a              joined a beard cult where his patchy
                                                                   Movember thing, you know, grow the            facial hair genetics essentially barred
                                                                   beard out and carve a sweet handle-           him from any meaningful participa-
                                                                   bar mustache, but by mid-December             tion; we asked him if it was worth it—
                                                                   we we're like 'dude, really?'” said fra-      if our friendship still meant anything
                                                                   ternity brother Rob Troy.                     to him,” Troy said.
                                                                      Morris's long-time girlfriend Ash-            “He just stood up, and sang the
                                                                   ley Cooper left him over Christmas            first eight lines of Caplan's “Down To
                                                                   break for someone who unnamed                 The River” recalls Troy. “That was it,
                                                                   sources agree “looks a lot more like          the last time I've spoken with him,
                                                                   Rich Aucoin.”                                 though I do walk past him feeding
                                                                      “It's not like she didn't try to reach     seagulls at the harbourfront some-
                                                                   out to him,” said a source close to           times,” he says.
                                                                   Cooper, “she bought the dude a beard             Morris says he'll grow the beard
                                                                   trimmer and some new kicks, but he            out for three years in a bid to join the
                                                                   just had to spend all his time scrib-         Beard Brigade, Caplan's street team.
                                                                   bling in a Moleskine at Java Blend in            “The beard is just a reminder to live
                                                                   those smelly sandals with a business          life more fully,” he said before launch-
                                                                   of ferrets growing on his face,” she          ing accapella into the existential cho-
                                                                   said.                                         rus of River.
                                                                      Morris, who sleeps with In The
                                                                   Times of Great Remembering blast-             “Cause there is no such thing as a
                                                                   ing on a constant loop (believing the           dying man
                                                                   singer's baritone vocals stimulate            We’re alive ’till the moment we’re dead
                                                                   small follicle growth) has been seen          and a drowning man is just a living
                                                                   rubbing raw farmer's market honey               man
                                                                   into his beard, a practice he says bal-       Who hasn’t run out of his last bit of
                                                                   ances the essential oils of the beard.          breath.”
                                                                      Increasing lifestyle concerns led
                                                                   to an intervention in March that              Inspiration.
                                                                   “went all wrong” according to Troy.           • • • Photo by Syn Krotchety
• March 15 - March 21, 2013                                                                                                 erutlucst ra 13

      DISPATCHES FROM THE FUTURE
Rosie O'Mallard
                                                 DIGITAL FOSSILS
Arts Contributor

Clancy Jenkins was riding his bike          Jenkins during an interview in his       ing to replicate the activity that led
while listening to classical music—         home office.                             to the discovery of the virtual world.
something he'd never done before.             Jenkins says it was like bathing       Jenkins has been drilled on his loca-
He got the idea after mixing rai-           in layers of information that were       tion, speed, piece of music and vol-
sins, his first favourite snack food,       “there, but didn't exist”. After the     ume. He went even further, offering
into marshmallows melting for Rice          basic, numerical layer, he saw images    up his mood, fatigue levels and what
Krispie squares, his second-favourite       and pages. Jenkins thinks the march-     he was daydreaming about. “One
snack food. “The result,” says Jenkins,     ing, humming numbers were codes          can't presume to know which param-
“shifted my snacking paradigms.”            for the images and pages.                eter counts,” he says.
   Jenkins decided to mix more of his         “'Facebook' was written on the            Josie Burrard's voice gleamed dur-
favourite things. Two of his favou-         most predominate pages. They             ing a phone interview. Burrard is a
rite past-times are casual cycling and      seemed to be a compilation of facts      historian whose focus is the early
classical music. Jenkins picked up          and pictures, composed by individu-      2000s. She says the internet was a
digital fossils accidentally with his       als.”                                    compilation of coded numbers that
radical leisure activity combination.         Jenkins thinks the 'Facebook' pages    translated into virtual worlds, similar
   The virtual notes left floating in the   were some sort of digital replicate of   to those described in Jenkins' layman
air since at least 2013 resonated with      the nature of individual humans in       terms. Humans at that time used
his fibre optic sensitive bike spokes       the years 2006-2013.                     the internet as a tool and for leisure.
and interfered with his speakers. He          “I don't know why I get that feel-     Burrard says, “that period, the early
crashed his bike, smashing his por-         ing, though,” says Jenkins. “These       2000s, is called 'the age of informa-
table-mini-record-playing         device    things I'm saying, I can't prove them.   tion'. The internet was basically a way
(commonly known as 'Goldens-on-             They're just intuitions I felt after I   to store vast amounts of information
the-Go', or just 'Goldies'), when he        was immersed in the digital world,       in a way that didn't take up any real
was immersed in a not quite real, not       and before I ran my bike into the        space. It turned in to what was called
quite fake world.                           ditch.”                                  a 'cyberspace'. Clancy seems to have
   Jenkins experienced the virtual            'Facebook', according to Jenkins,      discovered some sort of magical for-
world momentarily, as the means to          was a replacement for day-to-day         mula to unwrap the secrets of cyber-
its exposure were eliminated with its       interactions. “I can see how that        space.”
exposure, but the impact left a great       would be useful, from a superficial         Burrard says Jenkins' discovery
impression on him.                          perspective, but then grow to be cold,   will be as important for humankind
   “First codes flashed by, blinking        lonely and isolating. People used con-   as the Dead Sea Scrolls.
numbers marching in infinite rows.          structed, hollow, not quite real ver-       In the meantime, Jenkins says the
The numbers hummed, a mind-                 sions to represent themselves to each    experience left him shaken. “It's too
numbing mundane noise. I could              other.”                                  bad,” he says. “Cycling with Vivaldi
just barely make it out. I didn't want        Since Jenkins crashed his bike, sci-   was really quite divine.”
to listen to it, but couldn't stop,” says   entists and historians have been try-                                              The void is real! • • • Photo by Clancy Jenkins

                                             University of Ottawa    |   Faculty of Arts

     TWEET US
    @dalgazette
  @gazetteopinions
   @gazette_arts
  @dalgazettesport
  @dalgazettephoto
  @gazettecontests
                                                      Master of Arts in World
                                                      Literatures and Cultures
                                                         A new interdisciplinary
                                                     and bilingual one-year program
           LIKE US ON

         facebook.com/
           DalGazette
14 erutlucst ra                                                                      March 15 - March 21, 2013 •

                                                                                 “Look, a squirrel!” • • • Photo by Sevan McOutyre

                                           Overwhelming majority of university students in
                                         Halifax claim to suffer from attention deficit disorders
                                        Sevan McOutyre                              whilst checking Facebook on their                said third-year engineering student,
                                        Staff Contributor                           smartphone.                                      Patricia Rae, “I disagree because it's
                                                                                       “Oh, yeah I totally have it,” said Joel       an effective communication medium
                                        Have a hard time concentrating on           Myles, a second-year management                  between people working on simi-
                                        the task at hand? Can't seem to get         student. “I don't understand. I really           lar projects. It's distracting, but it's
                                        things finished on time? You may be         prepare to study,” he said.                      essential.” she said.
                                        among 83 per cent of those surveyed            He described his studying regime,                In efforts to overcome this issue,
                                        in a recent study about attention dis-      “I set up in the Killam so I can be              Dalhousie is spending $1.2 million
                                        orders in university students.              there for an entire day. I have my               on an interactive learning centre.
                                          The study, done by the Faculty            computer, cup of coffee, gum, smart-             According to a press release, the room
                                        of Academic Research Thinktank,             phone, iPod, and snacks.” Myles said.            will contain a lot of sensory stimuli,
                      —Jessica Perrie   found that an overwhelming majority         “I usually go with friends to the learn-         will not have desks, and speakers will
                                        of students believe they may be suf-        ing commons on the lower floor of the            play Facebook notification and mes-

         TSETAL EHT LLA                 fering from Attention Deficit Disor-
                                        der.
                                          FART spoke to undiagnosed stu-
                                                                                    Killam, I find the silence in the stacks
                                                                                    to be too distracting, you know?”
                                                                                       “I just don't understand how I'm
                                                                                                                                     sage sounds intermittently through-
                                                                                                                                     out the day.
                                                                                                                                        Regardless, FART finds that 70 per
                                        dents and found that 52 per cent of         not getting any work done.” Myles                cent of those who perceive themselves
                                        respondents claimed they “probably          said, “I honestly don't leave the Kil-           as having Attention Deficit Disor-
                                        had ADD” and 25 per cent “totally           lam between 10 a.m. and 2 a.m. on                der can usually find Adderall from a
                                        have it” and eight per cent were            most weekends.”                                  friend or roommate with a prescrip-
                                        assumed to be compliant because                “People criticize Facebook saying             tion.
                                        they wandered off during interview          it's not an effective part of studying,”
• March 15 - March 21, 2013                                                                                                                       erutlucst ra 15

                          PUPPY PEERS: Dal goes to the dogs, literally
Mary Motherbater                             But critics says the administration
Arts Contributor                           and students onion aren't consider-
                                           ing the implications of integration
Is Dalhousie becoming a dog-eat-dog        and only the bottom-line. Scott Trev-
world? It looks that way, after outgo-     orson represents the newly formed
ing president Bom Braves revealed          group Dal Students for Humanity
a new master plan to offer condi-          that has sprung up in reaction to the
tional admittance to very intelligent      announcement.
canines. Successful puppy applicants         "We've seen this coming for a long
will enter BA and BSc neurobiology         time," Trevorson says, "The higher-
programs starting in September.            ups have been laying the ground
   The overwhelming popular "puppy         work for several years now and it's an
room" that was launched by the Dal-        open secret that dogs at Dal is central
housie Student Onion (DSO) dur-            to President Braves’ legacy-building.
ing the fall exam period was a testing     What they're not considering is the
ground for "new talent," says Braves.      consequences."
"I am pleased to welcome this new            Trevorson and Dal Students for
era of interdisciplinary—cross spe-        Humanity state that dogs are indeed
cies innovation."                          not human equals. "It's just a cash-
   With the puppy room, "we saw that       grab, plain and simple. The school
there was an unfulfilled demand,"          is running out of money and eli-
Braves continues. "Students were           gible human students. That means
saying, 'we want dogs to be more inte-     they have to start looking elsewhere
grated on campus,' and indeed made         to keep the school running, but this
full peers."                               thoughtless action is going to destroy
   DSO spokesperson Laura Upling           the school instead," Trevorson says.
says the student onion fully supports        While it is true that the first dog
the move. "At one point in time, Dal       scholars accepted into Dal will pay
was a male-only school, later still only   tuition rates close to that of foreign
white students could attend. Today         students, even if they come from
we're saying that Dal is truly diverse     Nova Scotia, Braves insists profit is
and open to anyone."                       not behind the decision.
   "Why stop at dogs," Upling says,          "Absolutely not," says Braves from
pointing to the limitless number of        the new on-campus Doghouse, a
non-human species living on planet         state-of-the-art dog social space in
                                                                                                                    Woof, woof. Bow wow. Arf arf. Growl. • • • Photo by Mary Motherbater
earth.                                     the former Grad House site. "This is
"They may be 'man's best friend' but       about saying, it's the 21st century and      Upling agrees. "This is way past         interests of all or are they merely try-    classmates will be a reality on cam-
we really can't limit ourselves. Cats,     dogs deserves to be treated with the       overdue, and quite frankly I have to       ing to maintain their own status and        pus.
mice, owls, chickens, the list of poten-   same respect as humans, deserve the        question the motivations of any per-       privilege?"                                 "Long walks, chasing the ball around,
tially eligible and beneficial critters    same access to education and oppor-        son or groups who resist it. Are Stu-        Heated debate aside, it looks like        late-night cuddles—what's not to
goes on and on."                           tunity as any human."                      dents for Humanity really for the best     Dal is going to the dogs and canine         like?" says Braves.

                                             Totally 90s
                                      Decade makes a splash at Dal                             • • • Photo by Mort Moopstein

Kevin Captcha                              back. It's a primer on 1990s pop-          too, actually we met in the class, and
Arts Contributor                           children's literature, well, at least,     she think it's hard too. Shannon, isn't
                                           it used to be," Kim says, "We go in-       Clifford books hard?
Like, the 1990s are, totally, back         depth into some unrecognized clas-            "Totally," says Shannon.
again. No you didn't jump into a time      sics like the Animorphs books series,         Hey Shannon, what's your last
machine and travel way back to the         the Berenstain Bears and Clifford the      name? Peteres? Oh, Peters. Cool.
past! From fashion to phrases to even      Big Friendly Dog book series."                So like, everyone's talking about
an English class at Dal, the decade           "Well we're actually not really         the 90s! Professor Kim's class is a big
more students were born in, is in, in a    going to be going in-depth anymore,        success and now the English depart-
big way, in 2013.                          students couldn't really handle it.        ment is thinking of expanding its line
   I was born into 1990 and so were        Basically we read a few of each series.    of 1990s literary series.
all my friends. We totally had the         But not all of them. There are over           "I'm developing a Goosebumps/
Internet since forever and mem-            50 Animorphs books. Students really        Fear Street class as we speak. No not
ber MySpace? I love animated gifs,         couldn't handle that heavy a work-         literally as we are talking now, but at
they're so funny, don't stop moving! I     load," Dr Kim says. [Is professor Kim      this time. No, not right right now, I'm
wear neon hat, shoe, sunglass alltime.     a doctor, look into it. What makes a       talking to you. I mean it's something
Snoop Dog! Who let the dogs out?           professor a doctor, look into it?]         I'm currently working on. Oh, never
The 1990s were from 1990-1999, like           The Animorphs series was about          mind." says Kim.
over ten years ago.                        kids who turned into animals and              Kim is honest about why the class
   Professor Steve Kim wasn't born         suspenseful stuff happens. And every-      isn't ready right now. I totally want
in the 90s but he won't tell me what       one remembers Clifford he was so big       to take it. "I haven't released it yet
year he was born but he looks like he's    and cute puppy. And it doesn't matter      because I'm fine-tuning the work-
30. [Look at what year Prof Kim was        that we don't read all the Berenstain      load making sure students can han-
born.] He teach English 2039: from         Bears because I had all those books        dle reading the difficult vocabulary
Animorphs to Clifford at Dalousy           when I was a kid and I already read        and subject matter present in each
University.                                every single one of those like a billion   of master R. L. Stein's masterpieces."
   So, okay, first off all why Animorphs   times so get over it.                      says Kim.
to Clifford? "Well, I tried to do Ani-        While Mr. Kim says that the work-          OMG. It better not be hard because
morphs to Lord Zed from, like an A         load has been reduced this year,           I better get an A or I'm going to call
to Z thing the last couple of semesters    I'm in this class and it's really truly    my mommy. And I'm your boss Pro-
but students couldn't handle the vol-      hard. We have to read like six Clif-       fessor Kim, I pay your salary so I bet-
ume of material," Kim says.                ford books, who has time for any of        ter get an A++ in Animorphs class or
   "This winter, I brought the class       it? My friend Shannon is in the class      you're going to hear from mother.
strops
                                                                                                                                                                                strops
                                                                                                                                                       sports covers athletic events and
                                                                                                                                                           topics relevant to Dalhousie.
                                                                                                                                                               Email Ian and Graeme at
                                                                                                                                                   sports@dalgazette.com to contribute

                                                                                                                                                         Ian Frankenstein Sports Editor

                                                                                                                                 Women’s hockey’s new
                                                                                                                                   home: Alabama
                                                                                                                                     All rinks in the province unavailable
                                                                                                                                 Boris Carlof                              from the scenic Oak Mountain State
                                                                                                                                 Online Editor                             Park.
            “I don't even feel comfortable riding my Dal broom around campus anymore.” • • • Photo by Maid Marien                                                             The arena was chosen after a
                                                                                                                                 Dalhousie Athletics has announced         lengthy search process. At first, Dal

 Dal Quidditch team grounded in hazing fallout                                                                                   in an email to donors that the wom-
                                                                                                                                 en’s hockey team will play their home
                                                                                                                                                                           contained their search to arenas in
                                                                                                                                                                           the HRM. It quickly became clear,
                                                                                                                                 games next season at the Pelham           however, that all rinks in the city had
    Rookies reportedly forced to catch snitch greased with Vaseline                                                              Civic Complex in Pelham, Alabama.         tenants for the 2013-14 season.
                                                                                                                                   “After the issues securing an arena        Once plans to use a rink in New
Heathen Campbell                          intimidation, personal disrespect—it        wearing the blazers. I kept mine after     for the women’s hockey team to play       Glasgow fell through—the Pictou
Staff Contributor                         was bullying,” the muggle said. “The        the party; I even wore it to The Dome      in last season, we are tremendously       County Minor Hockey Association
                                          blazers they were forced to wear were       last night.”                               excited for this new opportunity,”        had all game times booked for pee-
The Dalhousie athletic community          so blasé; it was simply unacceptable.”         With 17 of its 22 players suspended,    read the email sent from Dal Athlet-      wee house league games—the Tigers
is in shock after it was revealed on         As community support poured in—          the Dal Quidditch team pleaded for         ics.                                      had to broaden their horizons. The
Monday the school's Quidditch team        including a Facebook group titled           reinstatement Thursday by writing            The email said that the choice of       final decision was between the Pel-
would forfeit the remainder of their      “Wizards and Warlocks for the Dal-          an apologetic letter to the university     the Pelham Civic Complex, which           ham Civic Complex, The RRRink
season due to a hazing incident.          housie Varsity Quidditch Team”—             signed by each player. The univer-         will be the only American rink to host    in Medford, Oregon and Ice Palace
   A six-week investigation which         one member of the team, who didn’t          sity’s muggle spokesperson doesn't         CIS-level hockey, promises to bring       Astana in Pavlodar, Kazakhstan.
failed to produce any real evidence       want her name published to protect          expect the team's request to change        dividends to both parties.                   “What makes Pelham special is its
whatsoever proved to be all the uni-      her from unwarranted consequences           anything.                                    “We would be the chief tenants of       location,” said one Dal coach, who
versity needed to end the Tigers’         by the university, broke the team's            “I’m not going to say they’re going     the building, which is something we       was involved in the decision-making
hopes of achieving 2013 AUS Quid-         silence.                                    to be unsuccessful in their appeal, but    wouldn’t get anywhere in this coun-       process. “I think the girls will find it
ditch gold.                                  “I don’t even feel comfortable rid-      they’re going to be unsuccessful in        try,” it read. “And they would get some   harder to make any poor decisions
   The episode reportedly occurred        ing my Dal broom around campus              their appeal.”                             high quality hockey to fill up time       there.”
at a mead-fuelled rookie party where      anymore. It’s tough when we were so            By forfeiting their final 12 games of   slots where the arena would other-           In an anonymous letter, a member
five first-year players were forced to    proud to be called Tigers and show          the season, Dal will pay $24,000 in        wise be unused.                           of the women’s hockey team slammed
catch a golden snitch greased with        our Tiger pride, but now we’re forced       league fines, which is the equivalent        “We’re all really pleased with the      the decision, saying it was “sym-
Vaseline while wearing blazers. They      to hide ourselves,” said the source,        of throwing coffee change down the         arrangement, and I’m sure the team        bolic of our unfair treatment,” and
also answered horrific questions          who is planning on riding another           sewer for Atlantic Canada’s largest        will love spending their winters in       remarked that “Alabama’s weather
posed by the team's 17 veterans such      broom in protest.                           university.                                sunny Alabama.”                           kinda sucks.” A Facebook page, titled
as “who is the prettiest wizard?”            One rookie on the team said that            Due to the Tigers dropping out of         The Pelham Civic Complex seats          “Keep Dal Women’s Hockey In Hali-
   Some muggle spokesperson for Dal       despite this ordeal, her time with the      league play, every other AUS Quid-         5,000 people. It was the former home      fax,” had 154 likes within a day of its
stressed that playing dress-up and        Tigers has been positive.                   ditch team has automatically quali-        of the now-defunct professional           creation.
exchanging compliments is in strict          “My experience of playing on the         fied for the playoffs, which is sure to    hockey team the Alabama Slam-                At press time, Dal’s men’s hockey
violation of university policy.           team has been great,” the rookie said.      make for some dramatic games down          mers, and currently plays host to the     team was slated to begin the 2013-14
   “There was a hazing incident           “I missed the snitch and fell on my         the stretch.                               University of Alabama’s club hockey       season at the Halifax Forum.
involving drinking, humiliation,          ass a few times, but I actually enjoyed                                                team. It is a short 15-minute drive
You can also read