Giving up on your dreams - Conference 2021 - Coping with Perfectionism - Dealing with Bullying - Institute of Guidance Counsellors
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THE INSTITUTE OF GUIDANCE COUNSELLORS NEWSLETTER Volume 50 Number 2 March 2021
A Publication of the Institute of Guidance Counsellors
Giving up on your dreams
Inside:
- Conference 2021
- Coping with Perfectionism
- Dealing with Bullying
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THE INSTITUTE OF GUIDANCE COUNSELLORS NEWSLETTER
Infinite
Possibilities
tudublin.ie
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THE INSTITUTE OF GUIDANCE COUNSELLORS NEWSLETTER
Cover photo: Doireann O’Connor in a school talent show. She is currently a singer, dancer and actor, and presents the
New Country Show on Sky TV Country (channel 365) on Tuesday nights.
In this issue:
Living with the Pandemic ........................................................................ 1 Test your Knowledge............................................................................. 35
Bullying in Secondary Schools: more needs to be done......................... 3 Emotion- Focused Therapy: A Brief Overview of a Counselling Modality
How to let go of a lifelong dream ........................................................... 9 with New Insights and Understandings for To-Day’s Counsellor ......... 37
How to get over ‘never good enough’................................................... 15 Focusing on The Future: Developing & Showcasing 21st Century
Skills ...................................................................................................... 40
Generation Anxiety and how we can Rayse Resilient Teens ............... 19
The ‘female’ brain: why damaging myths about women and science
TU Dublin - the university for a changing world ................................... 21 keep coming back in new forms ........................................................... 41
IGC National Conference 2021 ............................................................. 22 A career in Surveying could be your gateway to the world - Society of
Intelligence in all its manifestations nature versus nurture multiple Chartered Surveyors Ireland ................................................................. 43
emotional and entrepreneurial conceptions ......................................... 25 The Use of Humour in Counselling and Psychotherapy: The Laughing
Empathic Listening: For Use with Traumatised Clients ........................ 34 Cure ....................................................................................................... 45
Copy Deadline
The deadline for the next issue of Guideline Magazine is Contributions of articles can be sent to:
14th April 2021
Fred Tuite,
Articles (which may be edited) and advertisements should be with 1 Loreto Park
the editor before that date. Troys Lane
Kilkenny
Guideline is published three times a year (October, February and Tel: 087-6698873
May) by the Institute of Guidance Counsellors. Contributions and Email: guideline@igc.ie
advertisements are welcome. The Editors reserve the right to
amend or abridge any contribution accepted for publication. Items For advertising contact our Advertising Manager:
for inclusion should preferably be sent in MS Word by email to the Carmel Dooley,
address below. Typeset articles or advertisements are best sent in PRWORKS,
high resolution PDF. 14 Ceannt Ave, Mervue, Galway
Mobile: 087 2349903
Please note: Email: carmel@prworks.ie
• The opinions expressed in the articles are those of the Web site: www.prworks.ie
contributors and not necessarily those of the Editors or the
Officers of the Institute of Guidance Counsellors.
• Acceptance of advertisements does not constitute an
endorsement of the products or services by the Institute. http://ie.linkedin.com/in/prgalway
• Every effort has been made by the editors to ensure that the
information is accurate. However, no responsibility can be
accepted by the Editors or the Institute for omissions or errors http://www.facebook.com/prgalway
that may have occurred.
Editorial Board
Fred Tuite, Gerry Reilly, Betty McLaughlin,
Patricia Wroe and Michael L. O’Rourke
Institute of Guidance Counsellors,
Head Office,
17 Herbert St.,
Dublin 2
Tel: (01) 676 1975
Fax: (01) 661 2551
Email: office@igc.ie
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Living with the Pandemic
It is now over a year that we are living with this pandemic. You can cope by acknowledging progress and focusing
What was once an of-little-interest story of a new disease on small achievements to foster a sense of competence.
in far off Wuhan, China, felt a little closer when it reached This strategy is useful also for reinforcing self-efficacy:
northern Italy and then Spain and inevitably to Ireland with a the sense that one is able to cope with the demands
rapidity that few of us could have imagined. As the disease faced. These little wins can be shared among your support
was passed by person to person contact, usually airborne, network either with the people you are living with or on
the only solution was to minimise our contact with other social media. Celebratory meals on the achievement
people and go into isolation, taking special precautions of milestones (like birthdays) help foster a sense of
whenever we had to encounter other people in shops or camaraderie and togetherness, and you can even share
other settings. these occasions via a video link.
Going into lockdown is certainly not easy, and places a Having a sense of purpose really helps during isolation
lot of demands on people to cope in this strange set of and quarantine. Individuals in extreme conditions often
circumstances. So it might be useful to know of the coping talk about completing projects, taking online courses and
strategies of people who chose to go into similar isolation, Fred Tuite learning new skills as a way of motivating and providing
confined and extreme environments such as polar explorers, focus. You can also find a passion project to keep your
astronauts, submariners, oil rig workers, cavers and expeditioners. While spirits up. Keeping a journal in confinement has a long history and journaling
these are different to your domestic confinement the psychological demands is a great way of processing thoughts, including frustrations and worries and
are likely to be similar. We need to adapt to unusual conditions and to cope creating a sense of order in what otherwise might feel like chaotic times.
with a sense of danger and uncertainty, along with getting on with living in
constant close proximity of a small number of people, and separated from all
others for long periods of time. “Adapting to the new environment
In an article in The Psychologist Nathan Smith and Emma Barren look at the is crucial for those in extreme
findings from research done on people living in extreme environments and
suggest how their adaptations might be useful in coping with our limitations
situations.”
during lockdown.
Being in an isolated and confined setting in close proximity to the same
people for long times can be stressful. People in extreme settings emphasise
Adapting to the new environment is crucial for those in extreme situations.
the importance of being tolerant of others and being tolerable yourself. Self-
This normally takes several days and a common strategy is to establish a
restraint will be needed to avoid conflict. One way is to identify an area of
routine which facilitates a sense of control and helps reduce uncertainty. So
personal space where you can retreat to at times of frustration. Expedition
establishing and maintaining a routine is vital.
teams talk of developing team norms so that if someone you are living and
working with closely is doing something irritating it is OK to have an open
Fear of threat, danger and uncertainty can lead to anxiety, but people in
and honest conversation about why, and resolve the problem before it leads
extreme conditions search for the positive. They can sometimes detach
to further tension and argument. Having such ground rules may help make
emotionally, and focus on thinking rationally about the risks and what can be
quarantine as comfortable as possible.
done to mitigate them. They try not to dwell on uncertain threats and threats
that they cannot control. They also emphasise staying in the present to avoid
Separation from friends and family may be difficult. Messaging and video
being overwhelmed and distracted by the end point. They break down the
calls allow connections over thousands of miles. These can be powerful
task and challenge to stages and steps and focus on achieving the most
and foster social connection but can also have a negative impact. People
important, achievable and immediate step.
in extreme conditions have to carefully consider such contacts to make
sure it is beneficial to the individual or group. This may involve managing
Coping with monotony and boredom is important. While we have all the
expectations and avoiding certain topics. The same goes for posting content
resources of the internet at our fingers and perhaps streaming television also,
on social media.
it is important to engage in creative pursuits and hobbies that can be done
on your own away from screens. Reading books, listening to music or better
The lockdown also involves other challenges such as occupying children
still making it, playing cards or cooking food are all good. Exercise is vital
and dealing with financial hardship. These are going to involve generating
in counteracting feelings of monotony and boredom and reducing feelings
creative solutions, but drawing on the experiences of those in isolated,
of stress. In true conditions of sensory deprivation and limited access to
confined and extreme situations may help you find a way through.
outside resources shifting the focus internally and using techniques like self-
talk, visualisation, meditation or breathing practices can be helpful.
Stay, strong, stay safe, and be kind to yourself.
Inevitably you will experience low mood and lack of motivation. But know
that this is not unusual is a help to those living in extreme circumstances. https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/coping-life-isolation-and-confinement-during-covid-19-pandemic
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Saturday 24th April
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Bullying in Secondary Schools:
More Needs to be Done
Brian Wall
The most current up-to-date statistics available on the prevalence of there is a strong relationship between feelings of poor self-esteem and
bullying in Irish schools were published in January 2020 by The Irish Health bullying behaviour [9]–[13]. It has been shown that the greater the frequency
Behaviour in School-aged Children (HBSC) Study. These results showed that of bullying, the lower the self-esteem, and as a result, the bullying activities
in 2014, 25% of children (aged 10 to 17) reported having been bullied once may have the effect of restoring self-esteem by replacing negative feelings
or more than once in the couple of months prior to the survey and that this about oneself with more positive feelings [2], [7], [8]. Some researchers have
had increased to 30% in 2018 [1]. These figures provide evidence that there argued that for some individuals who engage in bullying, the bullying activity
has been no positive change in the prevalence of bullying behaviours among acts as façade or social mask to hide the fact that they may feel vulnerable,
teenagers in secondary schools in Ireland since, and despite, the publication have strong feelings of inadequacy, and feel bad about themselves, or
of national guidelines by the Department of Education and Skills (DES) in because they may have deep-seated insecurities [3], [4], [8], [14]–[16].
2013. Given these statistics, the question needs to be asked, What more This negative view can occur as a result of, for example, poor academic
can be done to tackle the underlying causes of bullying in schools? As with performance or jealousy – which can trigger low self-esteem brought on
any problem that needs to be addressed, it is necessary to analyse the root by the success of others – and so the perpetrator compensates in order to
causes of bullying and to use this analysis to determine the nature of any achieve status by bullying [13], [16], [17]. As a result, bullying behaviours can
intervention strategies used to address bullying behaviours in secondary be viewed as a mechanism to restore self-esteem when the self is under
schools. threat, and can act as a viable coping mechanism [3], [4], [8], [18]. Moreover,
individuals who have an unfavourable evaluation of themselves, or who find
themselves in situations where they feel negative emotions such as anger,
or frustration or jealousy, may have a need to remove these negative feelings
and replace them with positive ones gained from a display of confidence and
toughness which serves to cover up their own negative feelings or sense of
inadequacy [10], [10], [13], [18].
This research leads to the conclusion that ‘positive’ outcomes derived from
bullying behaviour can protect the individual from negative emotions and
can act as a behavioural tool with valuable outcomes that serve a function
for the perpetrators [4] [2], [19], [20]. Put simply, bullying behaviour leads
to positive payback; otherwise, it is simply not worth the effort [21]. This
research raise the question, What experiences might give rise to negative
emotions that result in teenagers engaging in bullying behaviours?
The Dynamics of Adolescence
Adolescence marks a transition from childhood to adulthood and is a phase of
Bullying: A Positive Negative Behaviour profound development that involves extensive changes across psychological
and social domains [22]. Individuals experiencing the teenage years can
Most human behaviour – whether positive or negative – has a purpose, in encounter a myriad of different and difficult emotions associated with this
that it fulfils a psychological need. Adolescents, and indeed all individuals, transition from childhood to adulthood. In addition to adolescents’ need
take part in positive behaviour, such as playing a sport or musical instrument, for autonomy and independence, adolescents find themselves grappling
to obtain positive feelings. Similarly, individuals often engage in negative with issues around the concept of the real-self and the ideal-self [23] and
behaviour, consciously or unconsciously, to gain a positive outcome. For are often self-conscious about their bodies and their sexual development,
example, people who take illegal drugs, or individuals who steal a car, and may struggle with insecurities around changing relationships with
generally do so in the hope of gaining something positive. Research refers to their parents, one-to-one peer relationships, peer group relationships, and
this phenomena as ‘positive negative behaviour’ [2]. In a similar way, it could romantic relationships. In addition to these challenges, adolescents are also
also be argued that an individual’s interactions with others, be they positive faced with the temptation of negative activities such as drinking alcohol,
or negative, are also designed to meet a need. Some research has concluded drug misuse and gambling. Moreover, teenagers can find themselves
that bullying behaviour may, in some way, fulfil a psychological need [3], [4]. confronted by serious issues, such as anxiety and self-harm.
As a result, it needs to be asked why people engage in bullying behaviours
and what psychological need is being fulfilled [5], [6], or put simply, What are “This research leads to the conclusion
the benefits and, what is the payoff from bullying activities [3]?
that ‘positive’ outcomes derived from
Research has highlighted some emotional outcomes from engaging in
bullying behaviour. Bullying can allow the perpetrator to experience the
bullying behaviour can protect the
positive feeling of dominance over others, gain respect and recognition, individual from negative emotions
reinforce acceptance, and achieve a certain social status within a peer group
[2], [7]. In addition, further evidence suggests that outwardly, bullies seem
and can act as a behavioural tool
to display high levels of self-esteem and confidence. However, the majority with valuable outcomes that serve a
of those who bully have low self-esteem or an absence of self-confidence,
which can manifest itself in feelings such as powerlessness [8]. Indeed, function for the perpetrators“
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Furthermore, adolescence marks a change in the relationship dynamic experiencing negative emotions and bullying behaviours?
between a child and their parents and peers and as a result they are at
a stage in their lives where they are trying to develop a sense of their Emotional Repair, Self-awareness & Emotional Intelligence
own identity and when the evaluation given by their peer group can be of
great importance [24]. This constant evaluation by friends can contribute Research findings suggest that bullying can be viewed as an externalising
to a sense of unease and instability in adolescents, and can result in some behaviour [4] whereby negative emotions are directed towards others and
teenagers engaging in activities that are designed to reinforce their position, are manifested as anger or aggression. There is evidence to show that those
gain popularity and acceptance, maintain social hierarchies, and establish who engage in externalising problematic behaviours such as bullying do so
social dominance within their peer group [2], [7], [18], [25], all of which can as a result of having underdeveloped self-regulation skills [34].
be exasperated by the usual difficulties associated with the experience of
adolescence. A large body of research has produced similar conclusions regarding
those involved in bullying behaviours. This research has concluded that
those who engage in bullying do so as a result of an inability to process
or regulate negative emotions brought about by negative experiences/ill-
“Maybe it is time to use an emotional being. The research concludes that those engaged in bullying behaviours
intelligence-based approach that the do so because of poor emotional regulation skills and a limited range of
emotional expression [35], [36] plus an inability to identify, manage, regulate,
research shows can have enormous and control strong emotions [26], [37], [38], and, that lacking clarity about
benefits for those who perpetrate emotions may increase difficulty with regard to controlling behaviours [11],
[22]. Simply put, those engaged in bullying behaviours are ‘hijacked by their
acts of bullying, the targets of emotions’ [39].
bullying, and bystanders to acts of
Emotional Intelligence - Benefits for Perpetrators of
bullying.” Bullying
Home Environment In order to minimise the emotional effects of any negative experiences - and
therefore reduce the possibility of bullying behaviours - researchers suggest
Apart from the issues associated with the teenage years, researchers teenagers need to develop what is referred to as emotional or mood repair/
have highlighted another issue that may produce emotions which drive resilience [40]. This construct of emotional or mood repair/resilience is often
bullying behaviour. Some research has shown that those engaged in referred to by other researchers as an intrapersonal skill or the skill of self-
bullying behaviours may be overwhelmed by distress elsewhere in their awareness - a component of emotional intelligence[41]–[44].
lives, causing them to lash out at others [16]. There is significant research
that demonstrates that this distress is linked to dysfunctional relationships This emotional or mood repair/resilience is the ability to acquire the
and maladaptive behaviours in the home [4], [26]–[28]. Researchers refer knowledge, attitudes, and skills needed to recognise and manage emotions
to dysfunctional or problem homes or homes where family function is and use this to guide behaviour in a healthy way [45]. Some researchers have
inadequate [26]–[28]. Further research suggests that some teenagers who found [40] that the skill of emotional repair/resilience is the most important
engage in bullying behaviours may be exposed to a home where there is a predictor in repairing negative emotions and can be considered to be a
high degree of anger or hostility, or low parental involvement or attachment, powerful tool for preventing externalising behaviours such as bullying [7],
or a home where there are harsh, inconsistent or low levels of discipline [20]. [46]. Other literature findings reinforce a link between lack of resilience and
In addition, other home-based factors include; an absent father, or mother, bullying behaviours. This research concludes that individuals with poorer
the loss of parent through divorce rather than death, a depressed mother, or levels of resilience were more likely to engage in bullying behaviours, and
father, an irritable parent, a negative paternal and maternal relationship, a that there is a clear relationship between having a strong resiliency profile
negative or rejecting attitude from a parent, low levels of emotional support, and a reduction in the prevalence of bullying and concludes that resilience-
over-controlling and dominating home environments, and power assertive based interventions may have the strongest impact, not only on those who
child-rearing methods or physical punishment [20], [26], [27], [29]–[32]. perpetrate bullying behaviours, but also on those whom they target [7], [46].
It is worth stating at this point that the literature does not state or suggest
that all teenagers who have difficulty dealing with the issues associated with Emotional Intelligence - Benefits for Targets of Bullying
adolescence or indeed who find themselves in homes with impaired family
dynamics, engage in bullying behaviours. In addition, the literature does not The development of the emotional repair/resilience component of emotion
state that all those who engage in bullying behaviours do so as a result of intelligence has also been found to have several powerful benefits for
difficulties with adolescence or difficulties in the home. Nonetheless, the those who are the targets of bullying behaviours. It is argued that the
evidence from the research outlined above would allow for the conclusion enhancement of emotional intelligence in targets of bullying is essential for
that individuals who engage in bullying behaviours do so as a result of their reducing psychological distress and can minimise the effect of the negative
inability to manage negative emotions or ill-being [33] as a result of negative experience of bullying and is considered to be a powerful tool for preventing
experiences brought on by the experience of adolescences or by the home internalising problems [22], [47], [48]. In addition, the development of
environment, or both. This raises the question, What is the link between emotional intelligence in the targets of bullying can enhance an individual’s
self-esteem and thereby reduce the fear of being bullied [49], as well as
empower the target to report future incidences [50], and reduce the likelihood
of self-blame [51]. Finally, and more importantly, there is considerable
evidence to show that the enhancement of emotional intelligence can
readjust the power imbalance in favour of the target and thereby decrease
the chances of becoming a target of bullying in the first place [50], [52]–
[54]. Since bullying among teenagers rarely occurs without an audience, the
influence peers can have on each other in tackling the problem of bullying
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within teenage groups cannot not be ignored [51]–[54].
no evidence that we should treat cases of bullying differently according to
gender when implementing anti-bullying programmes in schools [59], [62].
“Researchers have highlighted that
engagement in bullying behaviours in
Emotional Intelligence - Cyberbullying
the teenage years can have long-term
effects that may, for some, continue In terms of cyber-bullying, it was found that face-to-face bullying and cyber-
bullying are highly correlated [63] and that it is rare to find students who
into adulthood “ experience cyber-bullying without also suffering some form of face-to-face
bullying [64]. Furthermore, it is suggested that if young people refrain from
Emotional Intelligence- Benefits for Bystanders to Bullying traditional bullying, the chances are high that they will also refrain from
on-line bullying [31]. Some research has suggested that reduction of cyber-
Researchers contend that, in most situations where bullying occurs, the bullying does not necessarily require programmes tailored to target this
real power lies with the peer group and that bullying usually only flourishes specific form of bullying [31] as the development of emotional intelligence in
in the presence of an audience and that those who bully others take their the perpetrator of bullying, their targets, and bystanders can effect positive
power from bystanders, whilst also being given it by bystanders [55]. It has change with on-line bullying as well as face-to-face bullying.
been found that the development of emotional intelligence in teenage peer
groups can facilitate a reduction in the acceptance of bullying behaviours Summary of Research Evidence
and render bullying an unsuccessful strategy for achieving social goals on
the part of the perpetrator and increase the chances of peer intervention The evidence from the literature suggests that enhancing emotional
if bullying does occur [4]. This has been confirmed by multiple researchers intelligence facilitates the development of emotional repair, which, if
who state that the enhancement of peers’ emotional intelligence has been addressed and developed, can guide and correct negative emotions and
shown to decrease the prevalence of bullying in adolescent peer groups [30], reduce the propensity of teenagers to engage in bullying behaviours [41],
[56], [57]. The enhancement of bystanders’ self-awareness/intrapersonal [43], [65], [66]. In addition, the development of emotional intelligence can
and interpersonal skills can enable bystanders to understand the emotional empower those who are on the receiving end of bullying behaviours becoming
reasons as to why their peers engage in bullying activities. This can provide the targets in the first place and can facilitate bystanders changing the peer
bystanders with the insights to see beyond the bullying actions that take group dynamics that may enable bullying. This leads to the conclusion that
place, and instead see these activities as being emotionally driven and the development of an emotional intelligence curriculum-based programme
designed to reinforce the perpetrator’s position within the peer group [2], [4], should be the starting point for any renewed efforts to tackle the problem of
[58]. It can also provide peers with insights as to why they may choose to join bullying behaviours among teenagers.
in with the bullying, stay silent, or, intervene to terminate bullying activities
by their peers. This self-understanding could empower those who join in to Implications
terminate their involvement, or it may allow those who stand by to intervene.
In addition, the enhancement of interpersonal skills can also have the effect The Anti-Bullying Procedures for Schools and an Action Plan on Bullying
of enabling bystanders to determine why certain individuals are targeted, as published by the DES defines bullying as: ‘unwanted negative behaviour,
well as the effect that the bullying activities can have. verbal, psychological or physical, conducted by an individual or group
against another person (or persons) and which is repeated over time. These
Emotional Intelligence - Gender Differences procedures make clear that this definition includes cyber-bullying and
identity-based bullying (such as homophobic bullying and racist bullying)’[67].
Earlier research indicated that some teenagers involved in bullying may This definition serves as ‘a useful tool that can be used to identify the acts of
be experiencing impaired family dynamics, less cohesive or dysfunctional bullying’ and can ‘meet the needs of the institution’ [3] in terms of adhering
homes, and are three times more likely to have problems in their home. to DES procedures. However, a comparison between the DES definition of
Interestingly, research shows that this can occur regardless of gender [59]. bullying and research highlighting the link between emotional intelligence
Moreover, research has also indicated that there is not a statistical difference and bullying behaviours allows for the conclusion that the definition describes
in the emotional intelligence capacity in boys and girls [11], [55], [56]. Given behaviours and types of behaviours only. The definition fails to recognise
these findings, it is important to note that researchers argue that there is the complex emotions-based issues associated with bullying, and therefore
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can handcuff approaches used to address the issues of bullying behaviours programme - be it one of the existing programmes currently available, or
among teenagers in secondary school. Currently, this definition is used to one which involves amending or amalgamating the components of various
assist teenagers define bullying, categories the different acts of bullying, aspects of more than one existing programme. Alternatively, resources
and understand the effects of bullying. While this may be valuable in itself, should be harnessed to devise a new emotional intelligence-based
maybe it is time to use an emotional intelligence-based approach that the preventative programme, in order to tackle bullying in secondary schools.
research shows can have enormous benefits for those who perpetrate acts There is precedence for this. In 2012, the NEPS implemented curriculum-
of bullying, the targets of bullying, and bystanders to acts of bullying. based material for use in the Well-Being programme at Junior Cycle and
provided teacher in-service training. The programme, ‘My Friends Youth –
Recent research published by Dublin City University (DCU) highlighted that Skills for Life’, was developed by Dr. Paula Barrett in Australia. This initiative
‘schools are challenged when it comes to implementing the more practical demonstrates a precedent for conducting international research on best
aspects of the [DES] procedures’ and ‘principals want more guidance and practice, purchasing and implementing programmes in secondary schools
instruction from government’ and that ‘there was no guidance on anti- and providing the necessary in-service training for teachers.
bullying prevention strategies’ and that ‘schools have not been able to
identify suitable interventions for their school’ and that ‘there are very clear
and repeated requests by Principals for resources relating to interventions’
[68]–[70].
“In terms of cyber-bullying, it was
found that face-to-face bullying and
Given these findings produced by DCU, the statistics showing no positive
change in the prevalence of bullying behaviours among teenagers in
cyber-bullying are highly correlated“
secondary schools in Ireland. Despite the publication of national guidelines in
2013 by DES, despite the current definition-based approach used in schools, Staying as we are is not an option
and mindful of the research linking a reduction in bullying behaviours with
the enhancement of emotional intelligence, the following suggestion is Researchers have highlighted that engagement in bullying behaviours in
made. the teenage years can have long-term effects that may, for some, continue
into adulthood [31], [32], [75]. Longitudinal research has found that 55% of
The DES should direct one or more of its constituent organisations such those who engage in bullying behaviours had at least one conviction in the
as National Council for Curriculum and Assessment (NCCA), Professional period from age 16 to 24 years, and 36% had three or more compared with
Development Service for Teachers (PDST), Junior Cycle for Teachers (JCT), those who did not engage in bullying behaviours [31]. For violent crimes,
National Centre for Guidance in Education (NCGE), National Educational the results were even more marked, with 11% of former bullies having two
Psychological Service (NEPS) to carry out research into the several emotional or more convictions. Other findings reported that bullying behaviours in
intelligence-based programmes available internationally [71]–[74] (one secondary school were considered precursors to more serious aggression
of these, RULER [74], places particular emphasis on intrapersonal skills) in later life and that perpetrators can pass the problem on to their own
with a view to implementing a curriculum-based emotional intelligence children, and that perpetrators are at increased risk of abusing in later
life [25], [32], [75]. Similarly, the targets of bullying can suffer long-term
psychological problems which may persist into adulthood [24], [70], [76]. The
literature has highlighted that those who are the targets of bullying may
have sleep problems, fatigue, loss of interest in schoolwork, lower academic
achievement, difficulty in making friends, and avoid or drop out of school
[12], [24]. Targets of bullying can also descend into a downward spiral of
adversity and develop internalised difficulties such as lower self-esteem
and high levels of anxiety [12], [77]–[79]. More seriously, research findings
also demonstrate that targets of bullying may also have a heightened risk of
self-harm, suicidal ideation, and even – in extreme cases - suicide attempts
[12], [19], [46], [64], [74], [75].
“Given these findings produced by
DCU, the statistics showing no positive
change in the prevalence of bullying
behaviours among teenagers in
secondary schools in Ireland.”
Given this extensive evidence of the life-long effects of bullying, given
the statistics demonstrating no decrease in bullying behaviours, given the
needs of secondary schools highlighted by DCU, given the need for ‘on-going
evaluation of the effectiveness of the anti-bullying policy’ [67] as stated
by the DES and, the current reliance on the definition of bullying to drive
teaching approaches, one further suggestion is made. If evidence is found
to show that an emotional intelligence-based approach is not effective, an
alternative should be found. Staying as we are is not an option.
Brian Wall is a Guidance Counsellor and a teacher of Chemistry working in
St. Mary’s College, Rathmines, Dublin 6. He is the author of several works
7THE INSTITUTE OF GUIDANCE COUNSELLORS NEWSLETTER
written for colleague guidance counsellors and, for parents, supporting 10.5093/in2011v20n2a10.
[41] R. J. Bovine and D. K. Crawford, Developing Emotional Intelligence, A Guide to Behaviour
the wellbeing of students as well as writing material for young people Managment and Conflict Resolution in Schools. Illinois: Research Press, 1999.
themselves. He also gives national workshops on these topics.
[42] D. Goleman, Emotional intelligence, 10th anniversary ed. New York: Bantam Books, 2005.
Bibliography [43] A. T. Beck, Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. London: Penguin Books, 1991.
[44] R. B. Mennuti, R. W. Christner, and A. Freeman, Cognitive-Behavioral Interventions in Educational
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School-aged Children (HBSC) Study 2018,” p. 81, 2018. [45] J. C. Kimiecik and T. S. Horn, “The big motivational picture: Examining the relationship between
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[81] M. O’Moore, Understanding Bullying. Dublin: Veritas, 2010.THE INSTITUTE OF GUIDANCE COUNSELLORS NEWSLETTER
How to let go of a lifelong dream
by Christian Jarrett
Emma Garber began dancing aged three. By the time she was a teenager that being adaptable and flexible in one’s ambitions is just as important as
– following years of dedicated, exhausting, sometimes painful training – it being gritty or determined. ‘By definition, if you cannot achieve what you
was her burning ambition to become a professional ballet dancer. ‘I think want to achieve, you will fail repeatedly if you don’t stop,’ says Carsten
around age 14, I sat my parents down and I said: This is what I want to do Wrosch, a psychology professor at Concordia University in Montreal, who
with my life. This is what makes me happy,’ she says. has been studying the construct of ‘goal adjustment capacity’ for more than
20 years.
All of us have dreams and hopes for our future. They are often career-focused,
but not always. Some people dream of starting a family or living in another Goal adjustment capacity – which psychologists see as a beneficial form of
country, for instance. Our dreams form part of our identity, giving us purpose ‘self-regulation’ or ‘self-management’ – encapsulates two key components:
and direction. That is, until reality gets in the way, as so often happens: the the ability to disengage from fruitless goals and the ability to reengage in
change might come from within us, as our passion wanes, or the obstacles to new, more productive goals. You could see it as knowing when and how
realising the dream might become insurmountable (or a mixture of the two). to switch from one dream to another. It’s measured by agreement with
Garber’s dream began to fade amid burnout and doubt during her freshman questionnaire items such as ‘It’s easy for me to stop thinking about the goal
year at the University of Massachusetts. After a particularly terrible dance and let it go’ and ‘I tell myself that I have a number of other new goals to
class, she recalls: ‘I was like, I don’t think I want to do this for the rest of draw upon.’
my life. I stood up, I walked out, I called my mom and I was like, I don’t even
know what I want to do with my life anymore.’ Wrosch says that people who lack this capacity are inclined to ‘bang
their head against the wall’ when they’re confronted by an unobtainable
You might be experiencing one of these unsettling fork-in-the-road moments goal, and, long-term, they’re more prone to stress and chronic illness. In
yourself. Perhaps the dying breath of a fading dream is leaving you with contrast, those with greater adjustment capacity ‘have a much easier
intense feelings of regret and failure. You might fear how others will judge time’ – they decommit to the fruitless goal and find a different ambition
you. After all, in today’s culture, in many parts of the world, we’re taught to pursue. The virtues of being flexible and adaptable are also recognised
from a young age that success is born from stubborn perseverance. by careers researchers, who refer to ‘career adaptability’, aspects of which
involve being curious about new opportunities and being confident in one’s
‘To be gritty,’ writes the psychologist Angela Duckworth in her ability to learn new skills. People who score highly in this trait are generally
bestselling book Grit (2016), ‘is to fall down seven times, and rise eight.’ The ‘happier. They perform better. They get promoted … Just a whole range of
gist of her advice has echoed through different eras. ‘Many of life’s failures good things,’ says Rajiv Amarnani, a lecturer in the University of Western
are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they Australia Business School. That you’re contemplating giving up your dream
gave up,’ wrote the inventor Thomas Edison. suggests that you have a healthy willingness to adjust and adapt, which is
to your advantage.
Given this dominant narrative of the virtues of perseverance, and considering
how our ambitions can become a core part of our sense of self, it’s If you’re nonetheless finding it difficult to look beyond the immediate
understandable that you might be finding it difficult and unsettling to face sense of loss or failure, know that there are routes ahead and that other
the prospect of losing your dream. You can take comfort, though, in knowing opportunities will emerge. By having the wisdom and flexibility to know
“All of us have
dreams and hopes
for our future.”
9THE INSTITUTE OF GUIDANCE COUNSELLORS NEWSLETTER
when to let go, or when to redirect your passion, you’ll be following in the along the way, and you now have the chance to redirect your energy and
footsteps of many who have achieved greatness. David Foster Wallace let go passion in new ways. This is also a good time to seek the counsel of close
of his tennis-greatness dreams and became an acclaimed novelist and writer family and friends. They’ll be able to help you view your situation objectively
instead. Meanwhile, Roger Federer’s dreams of tennis greatness came true, and come to terms with your decision.
but only at the expense of his dream of becoming a professional footballer.
And Maryam Mirzakhani let go her childhood dream of becoming a novelist
but went on to be awarded the Fields Medal for mathematics in 2014 – the
first and only woman ever to receive the honour.
“It’s a cliché to say that
These are dramatic examples, but they show that the path to fulfilment isn’t one door closing means
always smooth or direct. Once you’ve come to terms with your loss, you’ll
find other passions. New dreams await. another opening, but
Come to terms with your decision
it’s true.”
As you let your dream go, you might be agonising over whether you’re making
a mistake. ‘There’s no good answer, there’s no formula’ for deciding whether
to plough on or give up, says Wrosch. However, he recommends bearing Be realistic about what you just gave up
in mind a phenomenon known as ‘goal shielding’ – when we’re highly
focused on a particular dream or ambition, we tend to filter out inconvenient When you decide to let go of a dream, it’s almost inevitable that it’s going to
information that might imperil the project. ‘Motivational psychologists call hurt, at least for a time, but there are ways to ease the discomfort and move
it an “implemental mindset”,’ says Wrosch. ‘If you cross the Rubicon, you on. ‘My approach to this is starting with the tragic realism of it, that it’s going
focus on what you want to achieve, and you don’t have that balance [in how to be hard, it’s going to hurt,’ says Amarnani, who likens the experience of
you process the situation] anymore.’ For that reason, he says most us are, if giving up a dream to a romantic breakup. ‘To have an ambition is to have this
anything, probably more at risk of stubbornly pursuing a dream for too long vision of your future self, and to drop that is to drop a piece of you,’ he says.
than giving up too early. That parallel with relationships offers an effective clue for how to cope.
In the context of romantic relationships, Amarnani says that it can be
The author and entrepreneur Seth Godin agrees with Wrosch – ‘there’s therapeutic to be realistic, rather than idealistic, about the person you’re
no calculus’ for deciding when to give up, he says. He too warns that breaking from, even to focus deliberately on their flaws. If we’re honest,
most of us ‘lie to ourselves all the time about whether we have the many of our dreams are romanticised, and it’s worth remembering that what
resources to get through the dip’. ‘The dip’ is Godin’s term – taken you’re giving up is not that fantasy version of the future. We think of doctors
from his 2007 book of the same name, and subtitled A Little Book That as healing people, says Amarnani, or that staff at the United Nations are
Teaches You When to Quit (and When to Stick) – that he says refers building peace, but then their daily reality is often far more mundane –
to the ‘difficult space in between the joy of starting and the benefit of doctors are navigating the bureaucracy of their healthcare system; workers
getting to the other side’. at the UN are pushing paperwork around.
One way to think about this emotionally difficult moment is as a chance to Amarnani speaks partly from personal experience. He once harboured a
be objective about your dream. Was pursuing it coming at great personal dream to become a computational cognitive neuroscientist, but he suffered
cost, in terms of your relationships and other goals in life? If so, that would repeated rejections and then the financial crisis hit. He changed gears
suggest it was what psychologists call an ‘obsessive passion’ and you’re to become a management scholar – ‘I thought I was selling my soul,’ he
wise to give it up (as distinct from a ‘harmonious passion’ that fits well into says, ‘but really what I was doing was just adjusting to the situation, being
the rest of your life). adaptable and trusting that, when you try something new, the passion will
come.’ To help make peace with his decision, Amarnani focused on the
Also, try to think, if you can, more like a ‘healthy perfectionist’: recognise negatives of the field he gave up –‘Decades of research on the brain has
that letting go of your goals doesn’t cast some final verdict on you as a taught us next to nothing about the mind’ – and today he couldn’t be happier
person, and acknowledge the influence of circumstances beyond your that he gave up his dream. ‘I grieved, genuinely,’ he says, ‘but life does go
control. Remember too that success isn’t all or nothing – although you might on.’
not have fulfilled your dream in its entirety, you will likely have learned much
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