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Once a Guide Reese Wells
Love for the Collective ............................................................................................................... 1 Get Your Own Boat .............................................................................................................................. 2 Sunset Orange ....................................................................................................................................... 3 Underground Love ................................................................................................................................ 4 The Painful Disconnect .................................................................................................................. 5 Lonerism ................................................................................................................................................... 6 When the Sun Rises ........................................................................................................................... 7 She the Cold .......................................................................................................................................... 8 On & Off Relationship as Feather & Song ......................................................................... 9 Have You? ............................................................................................................................................... 10 How I Cry for You ............................................................................................................................ 11 Soul as Marrow ................................................................................................................................... 12 Bones of the Valley ....................................................................................................................... 13 The Body Knows ................................................................................................................................... 14 Valley of Sin ..................................................................................................................................... 15 I am ........................................................................................................................................................... 16 Emptiness in the Deep Spaces ................................................................................................. 18 The Dare ................................................................................................................................................. 19 Exposure ................................................................................................................................................. 20 Thoughts on the Henry Mountains .......................................................................................... 21 Heat of Love ........................................................................................................................................ 22 Shame Mirror ........................................................................................................................................ 23 Grief for the Village .................................................................................................................. 24 On the Hill, Full Dark ................................................................................................................ 25 What the Fuck is Wrong with Me? .......................................................................................... 26 Shadows Within the Teepee ......................................................................................................... 27 Spin Out, Spin On ............................................................................................................................ 28 History of Emotion ......................................................................................................................... 29 The Destructive Powers of the Mind ................................................................................... 30 Shouting at the Sky ....................................................................................................................... 31 Ushes ........................................................................................................................................................ 32 Full Sunlight After the Fury ................................................................................................. 33 Truth, a Tollbooth ......................................................................................................................... 34 Discovery of Self Worth ............................................................................................................. 35
On Fire .................................................................................................................................................... 36 What Snow Can Do .............................................................................................................................. 37 Wet Sage ................................................................................................................................................. 38 Another Fire Metaphor .................................................................................................................. 39 Questions for the Children of Pain ................................................................................... 40 Inspiration from Shambala ......................................................................................................... 41 Bodhicitta............................................................................................................................................. 42 The Mirror Haiku .............................................................................................................................. 43 I forget who I wrote this about .......................................................................................... 44 With Your Blood On My Stomach ............................................................................................... 45 Remembering You................................................................................................................................. 46 Reminders of my Own Good ........................................................................................................... 47 What I Need & What I Don’t ...................................................................................................... 48 The desert, the sun, the air ................................................................................................. 49 Patriarchal Pig Bastard ............................................................................................................. 50 Stuck in my Shame Cycle ............................................................................................................. 51 Hero’s Journey ................................................................................................................................... 52 An Honest Reflection..................................................................................................................... 53 Flower Bloom ........................................................................................................................................ 54 Amen. ........................................................................................................................................................ 55 Love Will Win Out ............................................................................................................................ 56 Springtime Promise ......................................................................................................................... 57 The Nature of my Deeper Sadness .......................................................................................... 58 My Truths are Loudest When I Sleep ................................................................................... 59 A One Day Romance ............................................................................................................................ 60 Emotional Currents ......................................................................................................................... 61 Trauma. .................................................................................................................................................... 62 Women in their Power & Considerations of Worth ...................................................... 64 External Validation ....................................................................................................................... 66 The Oral Tradition ......................................................................................................................... 67 Ignoring the Call ............................................................................................................................ 68 Nobody Told Me ................................................................................................................................... 69 Unthought Known................................................................................................................................. 70 Time is the Continuum .................................................................................................................. 71 © 2018
Another Poem for Myself or Another ................................................................................... 72
Knowing vs Understanding ........................................................................................................... 73
Shameful Thoughts around Rejection ................................................................................... 74
Fuck the Lemons................................................................................................................................. 75
Breath & Presence ............................................................................................................................ 76
In the Desert Silence .................................................................................................................. 77
Flower Among Flowers..................................................................................................................... 78
Essence of You ................................................................................................................................... 79
I am the Blood Moon ....................................................................................................................... 80
In the Blaze ........................................................................................................................................ 81
Why ............................................................................................................................................................. 82
What We Were Made For .................................................................................................................. 83
A Song For My Ex .............................................................................................................................. 84
My Brain, My Heart, My Hate .................................................................................................... 85
Relationship, a Feeling ............................................................................................................. 86
How I Look at the Stars ............................................................................................................. 87
Once a Guide ........................................................................................................................................ 88
© 2018 Reese Wells
© 2018For all guides Who know the healing Power of sunshine And community
Reese Wells 1
Love for the Collective
This is the love I carry forth
For myself, for you, for the collective.
It’s as much a promise as a truth
As distance issues forth unique perspective.
This is the sound of my voice calling
Across the plains and through the forests
And up the mountains to you.
10.06.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 2
Get Your Own Boat
Growth is a consequence of pain, of loss, of grief.
And I am the product of patriarchy, of shadow work.
And you are the consequence of an adolescent
Attachment affixed by parental emotional immobility,
One founded on fear and stagnation.
And together we strive to be two, not one, sailing
Through an ocean on ships under constant construction.
10.07.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 3
Sunset Orange
Lay me down in a sunset orange
With the mountains in sharp silhouette
And leave me there
To melt with the fading of another sun.
10.25.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 4
Underground Love
My love is a river running deep
Under a mountain molten with the heat
Of passion bubbling with the summer fever
Of young lovers naked in the wet grass.
11.07.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 5
The Painful Disconnect
You feel thin, like worn fabric,
Because me feeling committed to you
Is not the same as being committed.
And I feel exhausted, a gnawed bone,
Because my actions are those of a man
Reaching back towards a home
With no lights on.
11.20.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 6
Lonerism
Lonerism is the desert song
Dry bones light this blooded dawn
Tarantula, migrate on
Coyote, howl your night long
Lover lay, lover strong
Lover lay my heart down drawn.
11.25.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 7
When the Sun Rises
The tilt of dawn on horizon edge
Slate crumbles off the canyon’s ledge
Eyes slit against the coming sun
The night’s end, today’s begun.
And who are you to weep
Dust to mud at your feet?
For what must end creates the space
Warmth and light fills this vacant place.
11.26.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 8
She the Cold
Dust will fill the cracks
To mark these young hands as old.
Skin splits, she the cold.
11.26.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 9
On & Off Relationship as Feather & Song
So is this the way it goes?
Two feathers fall down to dirt
And wait again for the wind
To set their spines dancing
Till this desert song might end.
11.27.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 10
Have You?
Have you felt it?
The cold clear air
Of a desert dawn
After a night of rain?
Have you smelt it?
Wet dirt underfoot
A rich scent of life
And death, and birth?
Have you heard it?
The calling of the birds
Ringing in the changing winds
Which carry winter forth?
This is the land we keep
Weathered stone, gnarled trees
Stooped fathers holding spaces
For laughing children
With unwashed faces.
11.28.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 11
How I Cry for You
I cry for you, child
As I cry for myself,
With hot tears down burnt cheeks
On a moonless night
When all have gone to sleep
Around the ember fire.
I cry for you, child
As Taurus might cry
If Orion were ever
To claim the Seven Sisters
For his own
And forever change the
Landscape of our starry sky.
I cry for you, child
As my parents have cried
Watching their son move away
To a far off place
Where he is making the same mistakes
Over and over again.
11.29.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 12
Soul as Marrow
My soul is the marrow
Spilling out from the bone
Cracked in the ember fire
It bubbles forth a sweet song
Before burning away
Into either nothingness,
Or everything.
12.01.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 13
Bones of the Valley
Bones of the valley bleach in the desert sun
Hearts will swell before the rupture has come
Songs are sung of the lover’s lament
Lies are told until the money’s spent.
And where I came down the mountain for you
I lost my way, and roots I grew.
12.02.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 14
The Body Knows
I wonder where
Love might show
Itself within
The physical spaces
Of my body?
12.03.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 15
Valley of Sin
Fool that I am, lost time so hard to repay,
Tripped the tongue and bit my lip
Blood turns from red to brown to gray,
As this body dies I loosen my grip
And am able to feel once again
Though still confused, it hurts less to cry
And to move through my valley of sin
So that I can once more feel the wind, a lover’s sigh.
12.07.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 16
I am
I am fire
I am water
I am earth
I am air
I am the wolf
The owl
The eagle
The bear
I am love
I am loss
I am grief
I am pain
I am love
I am joy
I am rhythm
I am rain
I am one
I am all
I am the tree
At autumn's fall
I am sun
I am moon
I am shadow
Standing tall
I am perfect
I am ruined
I am lost
I am found
I am the world
The nation
The city
The town
I am truth
I am lies
I am between
For I am twilight
I am the whine
Of a homeless dog
On a dark
And stormy night
© 2018Reese Wells 17
I am the sob
Of a lover lost
Alone at last
Consumed by fright
I am trapped
In the prison
Of my elaborative
Judgmental mind
Searching for a key
Which does not exist
Which I cannot
Will not find
I can struggle
And watch this room
Tighten, a lung
On the shrink
Or I can breathe
And remember
I don't have to believe
Everything I think
12.08.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 18
Emptiness in the Deep Spaces
How can I fill these holes inside me
When the emptiness seems to be a bottomless pit?
When what I put into these spaces yield
Brief moments of satisfactory satisfaction?
And when I am told that everything is already there,
Everything I need to be whole?
I look deeper within and see nothing but
Darkness in the Valley of Soul.
12.11.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 19
The Dare
I dare you to love me,
As I have loved you –
Four arms intwined
On a set of wrinkled sheets
Laughter the music
Of two lovers with eyes
Only for their other.
12.14.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 20
Exposure
Truly happy for this solitude,
This aching in my legs,
This discomfort behind my neck
For it means that I am on the road again
Setting outside and stretching myself
And feeling the wind on my face
As I rediscover the passion for this one
Wild and true life.
12.16.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 21
Thoughts on the Henry Mountains
Is this why the Henry Mountains blush
Purple in the day’s fading light?
Loneliest range I ever did see
Bleeding hearts set above the sea.
12.17.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 22
Heat of Love
Pink flowers on damp bushes
The frost has not got us yet
Perk up in the morning light
And shed the cold dew of night
This is the day we shall shine
Bright for all the world to see
That life can, will carry on
The heat of love makes us strong
12.31.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 23
Shame Mirror
The shame I feel for staying here
Mirrors the fear of losing you forever
What is more unhealthy –
To be locked in a cycle of abuse?
Or to be stripped from the one you love?
I am paralyzed by the knowing
That this short term misery
May yield long term happiness
If only I stay here another night.
01.01.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 24
Grief for the Village
Grief for the Village
Holds weight in the cold desert air
Icicles on red cheeks
As they cry over
The death of the tribe
And the birth of the car
For we were not made to travel at such speeds
Our true pace lies with the journey of water
Flowing in cycles
As we roam together
Over parts unknown
01.04.18
© 2018Reese Wells 25
On the Hill, Full Dark
I wonder if someone will ever cry for me
As I have cried tonight?
In the dark, on all fours atop a desert mound
As Orion rose
I heaved into the cold dirt, all snot and tears
And cries of exquisite pain
I called out for a love lost in the rolling hills
Of my Appalachian home
Where a small woman whose love I could not accept
Scratches at that rusty spot
On her white bedroom wall, remembering that time when
Her blood touched that space
In the moment of passion where our worlds met
As I met the desert tonight
With no sense of time or place or space
Just energy, fully seen and held.
01.05.2017
© 2018Reese Wells 26
What the Fuck is Wrong with Me?
Is it the desert rain –
Or the lonerism –
Which cleans the air of dust
And creates the space to see
That my patterns of relationship
Affect the people I love,
That I have issues
Around power and control
And that it’s my belief
That I am not good enough
And thus not worthy of your love
Which incite me to act
So angry and so cruel
When you open your heart to me
01.06.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 27
Shadows Within the Teepee
Shadows dance off flame glow
Against the teepee wall
I hold your heart in my hands
Till embers take the fire’s fall
Beating drums, beating heart
I feel your pulsing warmth
And sing hot tears into the night
Until shadows take us all
01.07.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 28
Spin Out, Spin On
‘Spin out and spin on, Reese, and
May you find peace when you rest.’
Is what you read to me
From two thousand miles away.
This inertia which I carry
Is weighted by both love and guilt
That whirl in opposition
Of the other, until a vortex
Rises forth to bulldoze all that
I knew, desired, and dreamed for.
I am sorry, so sorry
For the destruction that I’ve caused.
I release you, though I will
Continue to love you
And feel guilt for all this pain.
This land is wide, not all
Has been razed, so be free
And I will watch you fly away.
01.09.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 29
History of Emotion
Full dark, no moon, the stars are out tonight
I feel the emptiness of holding space
Within a skyline without end, so vast it’s
Difficult to fathom – am I a grain of sand
On an endless beach? Or a soft cry
In all the history of emotion?
01.13.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 30
The Destructive Powers of the Mind
Crushed by the weight of emotion
Trapped by a rock of my own making
I speak lies around the truths
Which bubble up from the unconscious
And warp meaning to satisfy this craving
For immobility, of being held hostage
By bonds wrought in the iron
Of my destructive mind.
01.13.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 31
Shouting at the Sky
Forgive me, for I have sinned
Guilt piling about in drifts
Has led me to this lowly place –
Hands clasped, on my knees in the snow,
Tears freezing on blistered cheeks
As I shout at the sky
And look for a ray of sunshine
To push through this blanket of clouds.
01.14.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 32
Ushes
Blush, ruby red in the dawn skylight,
Rush, a love for you at this sight.
Crush, the loss of you precedes tonight,
Hush, sit with this pain, it’s alright.
01.15.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 33
Full Sunlight After the Fury
Rise up, my love!
Awaken to the rain and wind –
This is a day for growth,
Spread yourself to the pain
And let it move through this soul
With all the promise of an Appalachian storm
Pushing in full sunlight after the fury.
01.16.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 34
Truth, a Tollbooth
Truth – for myself, how my body manifests emotion –
The tapping of a foot as I discuss emotional abuse,
The feeling of tightness across my chest as anxiety
Takes hold of my experience.
I am not as smart as I think, the body keeps the score.
I am just a vehicle for expression, a tollbooth
Collecting the dues which come from a life shared.
01.16.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 35
Discovery of Self Worth
Let me go, and I will show you true love,
Not out of spite but of deserving.
For I am worthy of compassion, truth,
Vulnerability – I know now what I seek –
It is not this iteration of you.
So let me go, and I will show you love
Like the desert tree turning to face the sun
After the long, cold night.
01.17.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 36
On Fire
The heat of a flame
Which I created
From bow and rock and wood
Is all I need
To know that I have
Provided safety
And security
For those whom I love
And depend on me.
01.18.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 37
What Snow Can Do
The snow falls in thick wet sheets
To cover up this barren scape
To bring life to this desert waste
To offer white where once was gray
To offer light where dark once stayed
To give quiet to the howling hills
To bring peace the moment my heart stills.
01.20.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 38
Wet Sage
See the desert blanketed in snow
The stillness has come
And I feel alive with the smell
Of wet sage and clean air
Will you walk out with me
To feel this new, white world ahead?
01.21.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 39
Another Fire Metaphor
Running through the desert covered in snow,
Following rabbit tracks and smelling the sage,
Still with the setting sun the shadows grow
Summer’s gone, winter’s come, this the dark age.
A fire I must light to last this black night
If I have any chance to survive
Behind this sin the flame comes from within
With the heat of self-love I will thrive.
01.22.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 40
Questions for the Children of Pain
How can you say
That I don’t care about you?
When half my life
Is dedicated to holding you
In your weakest
And strongest moments
Of grief and joy and pain?
01.23.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 41
Inspiration from Shambala
Does the warrior’s embrace
Hold the same, singular bravery
Of lovers coming together
In the pale light of a new moon?
Show me how to cultivate
A practice of warriorship
And I will share the power
Of basic human goodness.
01.26.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 42
Bodhicitta
I am the channel between heaven and earth.
I am here, heart open, raw and upright.
I am the naked man on the ground
Allowing fearlessness to be informed by
Vulnerability, by genuine sadness.
01.27.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 43
The Mirror Haiku
Crack in the mirror
Split look at reality
See anger, then fear
01.28.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 44
I forget who I wrote this about
Through the pine forest I walked with you
Moonlight in the trees, snow beneath shoe
The coming of night made right and sweet
My feeling heart light and tight it beat
In this glade of quiet, louder it grew
Words unspoken, but certainly true
That vibrations of soul will roll and greet
And stoke the coal to whole, flaming heat
Yes, through the pine forest I walked with you
With love in my heart, and snow beneath shoe.
01.30.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 45
With Your Blood On My Stomach
Truth, this is the lunar night
And I am blooded at your side
Feel love, feel sight.
01.31.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 46
Remembering You
I will hold you in my heart, always, forever.
And in that place will balance the opposing
Emotions of true happiness and true sadness
Raw in their manifestations within my body.
I promise to allow the anger I feel towards you
Wash into and through me as a great and mighty wave
So that, cleansed by the heat of passion I can see
Budding empathy for your path in this lonely life.
For what we had never existed
Outside of my elaborative, judging mind.
And what I never knew from you might still exist
Reality rests within the wheel of time.
02.03.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 47
Reminders of my Own Good
If you could see me for who I am
Then maybe you’d know that I’m not a man
But rather, a ray of sunshine,
Unique in my own spectacular glow
And still part of this collective of light
Definitive in the small moments
Where joy accompanies a rising dawn.
02.04.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 48
What I Need & What I Don’t
Truth be told, I don’t need you
All I need is what’s inside me
Fire and water and earth and air
A genuine heart of sadness
A practice of staying present
Intentional relationships
Mindful moments of love and grief
These are all the things that I need
These things already inside me
To harness this power I have
And be a better me for me
And in turn be a better me for you
02.05.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 49
The desert, the sun, the air
The desert, the sun, the air
The feeling of defying gravity
With each intentional breath.
And you’re there, with me,
Holding me with tender care
Higher, higher, together we stretch.
02.12.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 50
Patriarchal Pig Bastard
I feel a tremendous shame seeing my patterns play out
A guilt that I wasn’t able to see them until
You brought them to sharp attention –
This mirror held to a harsh and unforgiving light.
I am sorry for my actions, how they’ve shaped
The end of our relationship, death to the once pure.
I am untethered, I float and write in recognition
That I am still so far from the man I want to be,
That I am still a man of the patriarchy.
02.13.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 51
Stuck in my Shame Cycle
Grief, pain, and shame
Loss without name.
02.14.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 52
Hero’s Journey
This is the hero’s journey
And I am the sacred warrior
Open to the pain and grief
Of being a human.
02.15.218
© 2018Reese Wells 53
An Honest Reflection
With words I’m able to express
Truer paths of emotions
And through the lines of type
Better share the currents
Which shape the essence of psyche.
I am proud, anxious, and full of shame
And I believe in my own strengths
I trust in the decisions I make
And sabotage relationships out of fear
I am alone, and connected to everything.
My name is of no importance
For I am like you, even as I am me
And this trail I forge forth upon
Through these desert wastes
Follow the same footsteps
Of all those before me
And all those who shall come after.
02.17.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 54
Flower Bloom
Flower bloom in the rising sun
Warrior stand in centered calm
Feel the heat of the coming day
Sword glints from the morning ray
Feet ground into the humble soil
Breathe love for the noontime toil
Today the day of focused speak
Petals turn, catch the richer heat.
02.27.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 55
Amen.
So this is how the world will end,
A slow deflation, a collapsing in,
A realization of wasted dreams,
A melancholy song for the deaf.
And we will be there, holding hands
As we’re sucked into the vaccuum
With all the disappointment humanity
Has piled high, from ground to sky, Amen.
02.28.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 56
Love Will Win Out
When we get right down to the end
I believe that love will win out,
A final push of light that will spill
Over the horizon in a red wave.
I plan to be there, with you, watching
As the warmth takes hold, deep in the soul,
And all else fades as we’re lifted away.
03.06.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 57
Springtime Promise
This is the time for growth
Winter’s grip has loosened on the land
And I see the sun rising above the ridge
The heat of today rolls up from the ground
As birds – so many birds – sing in the forest boughs
I shall meet the growing days of spring
With a promise of my own –
That true love is found from within
Returned from the dark flight, the raven’s throne.
03.09.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 58
The Nature of my Deeper Sadness
There is a sort of loneliness I am experiencing
That I never wish to feel again.
It starts in the hollow of my chest
As a rattling drumbeat sounding out
The nature of my deeper sadness.
It spreads upwards, out, filling
The totality of my ribcages – full through the torso,
And its quality is one of a heavy aching,
Like no amount of love could massage away
The accumulation of scar tissue filling this space
And then higher – my throat is tight, raw,
Pulsing out the pain of my miserable, small life.
I try to swallow, and all fails me.
Higher still, my jaw, so tight, set below
Eyes which brim wet in shame
As I feel heat drop down against my nose.
I love you still, and feel the weight of rejection
Hold me hostage, a final look at mortality as I
Slip from the darkness of lonerism into
A fuller understanding of this
Present moment, and how I might harness the sadness
Controlling my actions this long and dark night.
03.10.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 59
My Truths are Loudest When I Sleep
My heart is a muscle
Pumping information
Up from the soul.
In the dark of night
I can hear these secrets
Beating in my chest.
When you sleep next to me
Are you ever wakened
By my inner truths?
03.11.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 60
A One Day Romance
It was just one night
Still, how sweet to be with you
Joined in the heart space
03.11.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 61
Emotional Currents
Did you know that I am a creature of habit?
I fold inward when the pattern is broken
And suffer high anxiety in the face of what’s unknown.
I hide behind a façade of disillusionment –
That I am smart enough, and strong enough to sit
Comfortably in a seat of power –
So subtle that sometimes I forget
That the tightness in my chest,
The shallowness of my breath
Are indicative of the emotional currents
Which define how I truly move through the world.
03.12.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 62
Trauma.
I hold it in my heart,
An accumulation or trauma –
The years of verbal and
Emotional abuse.
I feel it in my body,
A deep ache in my back,
Spasms in the thigh,
Migraines, rashes, stomach pain.
It shows as I move through life –
Master of manipulation,
Codependent in relation,
Horrified of commitment.
It grows as a sense of guilt,
Like I am a broken human
Unworthy of love or respect.
So I fold inwards, a shadow.
I wish that I could excavate
And scoop out the rot that’s inside
So I might be left with only
A hollow shell of existence.
But to cut such ties would deny
The life that has made me Me.
So I choose to embrace
The dark spots of the soul.
Deep in my shame cycle
I wade alone this long night
And smile at moments of light,
For that’s self-love shining in.
The release comes with intention,
Slow movement and focused breath,
Presence with an emptied mind,
Safe spaces to feel the pain.
It’s a small scene of peace,
Rising dawn on an alpine lake,
Before blackness takes hold again
And I sink down with my thoughts.
© 2018Reese Wells 63
Yet it’s that time of clarity,
That brief pulsing ray of sun,
Which gives me hope to descend
As the pattern begins again.
03.14.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 64
Women in their Power & Considerations of Worth
I am drawn to women in their power
The straight shoulders, the proud told of the chin
The penetrating eyes which see so much
And I wonder – when their gaze comes to me
Will I be seen? Am I worthy of such love?
03.20.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 65
Knowledge is not Wisdom
There is so much knowledge which I seek
That often I am cluttered by my thoughts –
Of who I am and why I am here,
And how to honestly move through this world –
That I forget, knowledge is not wisdom
And that my thoughts are not reality.
What’s real is this stone that’s in front of me,
This stone that was once soil then river then tree,
And will become a thousand voices,
And will become the sound of Om,
But is right now a stone, rough and cracked,
Perfect in its size, shape, weight, and color
As it is – it just is – and that is enough.
03.22.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 66
External Validation
My attention seeking behavior is
A weathervane for my sense of self-worth.
Validate my actions and I am blown
By a gust of warm wind which dies out quickly,
Until all is still again within,
An oppressive quiet before the storm,
With the weathervane pointing to the south.
03.24.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 67
The Oral Tradition
How the stars spin in the sky above
As the world turns in the valley below
The fire dances with fresh wood and a gentle wind
As we sit in the quiet of the desert at midnight
And feel the energy of the ancients grow
This is the time for stories to be told.
03.25.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 68
Ignoring the Call
I hear the calling of something greater
Yet am paralyzed by my fear of success
So I do nothing, and grow older
Until life has passed and there is regret
Over my failure to act on my passions,
Over ignoring the quest, the hero’s journey.
And so I am stuck in a cycle Of immature masculinity,
A high-chair tyrant filled with shame
For a life wasted, for a narrow existence
When once the horizons appeared endless.
03.25.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 69
Nobody Told Me
I did not know
That life might be
So full of times
Spent all alone
In the night dark
With just myself
Stuck in my shame
Feeling unworthy
Of a true love
Where I am seen
And I am held
And I am told
That it will be
Just fine, in time.
03.26.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 70
Unthought Known
Could this be the unthought known?
That I am a good person?
When did I lose this belief –
And why has it come back around?
Maybe it’s the sunshine glinting
Off dew in the field
As birds sing a morning song
Near where last night I chose
To sleep alone, under the stars.
03.26.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 71
Time is the Continuum
This is neither the beginning nor the end
It is a moment on the continuum
A drop of water flowing with the river
On its way to the endless sea
Where this one drop will meet all the others
Where, there, time and space slip into infinity.
03.30.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 72
Another Poem for Myself or Another
This is real, whatever this is
And my heart feels split open
And my blood feels red, molten
This is real, and I love you.
03.31.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 73
Knowing vs Understanding
I believe that you can know someone –
That you can love this person too –
But until you have heard their story
You will never understand them.
It’s the context piece that means so much,
To empathize with the lone wolf
Howling at the full moon on a spring night
Loveless in a beloved land
Padding silently, tongue out,
Ever searching for its pack.
04.05.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 74
Shameful Thoughts around Rejection
It’s a shame that you’re not more attracted to me
And I am sad to see you go to another’s bed.
I feel a loss of worth knowing that I am
More of a curiosity than an interest
And a sense of shame at the energy
I put into caring for you from afar
Is this cuckoldry, or am I simply blind
To the fact that my attachments destroy how
I show up in this world, a man racked with
The guilt of love – of seeing the beauty and good
In you, and knowing that sight shall never be returned.
04.06.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 75
Fuck the Lemons
When life gives you lemons
Say fuck the lemons
And make a goddamn coffee.
You’re worth exactly
What you want and need.
04.07.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 76
Breath & Presence
Breathe deep, my love, and smell the wet desert
And watch the dew dry on this field of sage.
Dig your feet into the dark and soft sand.
Stand as a tower in the rising sun.
Today is the day you are of the light
Grounded in the energy of the Earth
Humbled by the heaviness of the rain
At last awake, alive for the first time
Witness to our giving and sacred world.
04.08.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 77
In the Desert Silence
In the silence I sit
With my back to a rock
And the sun on my face.
I sit on a mesa
Overlooking the desert
After the storm has passed.
In the silence I can hear
The sound of sage rising
Stems filled with water and life.
I can hear a new wind
Blowing across my mesa
The warm air singing ‘Welcome.’
In the silence birds are louder
I can count the birds
By the beating of their wings.
The silence has a sound too –
Of angels ringing bells,
Of a lover’s promise.
Atop my mesa I sit
And listen to the silence
Down in the valley below.
04.14.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 78
Flower Among Flowers
Spring has come to the valley of soul
And I can feel my heart opening –
Like a flower approaching full bloom
As the snow melt feeds into the soil
And the sun hits the back of the bud –
I rise into the shape of myself
As myself, for myself, for this self
I choose to stand tall, upright and proud,
A flower among flowers, and yet
An unique soul rooted in this life.
04.22.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 79
Essence of You
Essence – this is who you are
It is the soul shining through
The spirit self, the energetic truth
This connection to the deeper currents
Where the ancients still reside
And what I am realizing
In our overlapping spheres
Is that you choose to embody essence
I feel your strength – you, you are a beacon
A light for love, for the self
In a world conditioned to
Reject those in their power
I see you stumble, rise, and move forward
As flowers sprout and turn to face the sun
From the footsteps which you’ve made.
04.23.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 80
I am the Blood Moon
This is the feeling of the blood moon
The fear that I am a sickness
Hanging fat and infertile in the night sky
A diseased and loathesome halo of light
Wasteful and disturbed, I rise higher
To cast red shadows in the valley below
Where, there, folks spill forth from their homes
To stare, slack jawed, at me –
A pregnant spider dangling from a string
A freak on display for those who haven’t yet
Paid the price for admission to this
Painful and exposed life we live.
04.30.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 81
In the Blaze
The clouds in the valley
Might hide the snow on the peaks
But I know that, soon,
The sun shall shine again.
And then, in the blaze
The world will seem a brighter place
As the peaks share a fiery white
With the shadowed slops
Way down in the valley of soul.
05.02.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 82
Why
Why is it easier
For you to love me as I am
Than it is
For me to love me as I am
05.06.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 83
What We Were Made For
Here’s the truth –
We are all alone in this world
And we as humans
Strive to create connection through community
With others who are equally alone
With others who feel as deeply
The sorrow of their intimate loneliness
With others enmeshed in the conversations
Which repeat, every day, in the hollow spaces
Between the head and the heart
With others who reach for something greater,
Some higher expression of being
Which is non-manifest in the conventionality
Of our fabricated expressions of existence.
For we were made to roam
Made to suffer in the pouring rain
Made to seek shade in the heat of the day
And to seek heat around the fire at night
We were made to love deeply the rich soil
Made to sleep beneath the trees
Made to stand on the cliff in high winds
Made to be curious about the buffalo
Made to die trying in this life
To try and form a connection with the natural world
So that we can form a connection with ourselves
So that we can form a connection with others
And embrace the voice inside our heads
Telling us we are unworthy of such love in our lives.
05.08.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 84
A Song For My Ex
I was daydreaming when I thought of you
Fell into my mind from the ocean blue
Fell into my mind just like you owned the place
Locked all the doors and now I can’t escape
For forty days and forty nights at sea
Trapped by the tides this swelling apathy
I wish that I could just get over you
I wish you hadn’t found somebody new
I always heard now baby what’s the rush
I always hurried through the gentle hush
I always heard that sometimes love is tough
I always worried I’m not good enough
And now you’re here and now I’m fading back
Invisibilia we’re all shades of black
Invisibilia now I hold it true
Invisibilia was I seen by you
Is this the way that it has got to end
An exposition of my deeper sin
A declaration for the barren men
A gust of wind around the river bend
Fuck you for saying that I must let go
That I am hanging on a fraying rope
That I am less and without empathy
That I am love without security
So at the end is this now where we start
Drenched in the sorrow of my bleeding heart
Drenched in the envy of my loneliness
A search for truth and not for happiness
I am ashamed that I still dream of you
Rising up from my subconscious blue
Rising up just like you own the place
Locked all the doors and now I contemplate
That maybe I was never held by you
That maybe I was never told the truth
Maybe I’m all I need to set me free
Could love be more than what you gave to me
05.09.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 85
My Brain, My Heart, My Hate
Want to know what it’s like to live inside my head?
‘WORTHLESS! YOU’RE FUCKING WORTHLESS!
You are not successful.
You are nothing more than a suck – a mooch.
You are undeserving of love.
You are unworthy.’
I hate myself often.
I hate that this is how I’ve chosen to live –
Anxious, always anxious, always –
I hate this is how I’ve kept myself safe.
I don’t know where to go from here.
05.10.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 86
Relationship, a Feeling
That feeling familiar
Of warm water and sunshine
Of dry kisses on hot skin
Of joy at the journey
Of candlelight company
My words, these are for you
As are my time and my space
The intention necessary
To create a connection
Worthy of deeper experience
05.12.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 87
How I Look at the Stars
I’ve been holding onto this feeling
Of hot tears damned behind dry eyes
For days now, and the pressure builds.
There’s this rattling in my chest
When I inhale sharply, anxiety
Spreading out from my lungs to my heart.
I hold no expectation of healing –
This I’ll feel and fight and accept for life,
For the tears will return once the dam breaks
And the chest will hold my fears
Until the final hollow breath –
But I can hope for peace,
I believe I deserve peace
With who I am and how I feel pain.
With how I feel joy.
With how I look at the stars at night
And wonder how my light would shine
If we could all be seen
As beacons of our essence.
05.17.2018
© 2018Reese Wells 88
Once a Guide
I was once a guide
I was easy to define
There was comfort in that
05.18.2018
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