Fun & Jokes Galore - Good Co mpany For St. Patrick's Day 2020 www.formations.ie
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Fun & Jokes Galore
Good Co mpany
For
St. Patrick’s Day
2020
From all your friends at CFI
Jokes, fun and witticisms for St Patrick’s Day
www.formations.ie
GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020
Dear Readers
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
On behalf of all of us in Company
Formations International Limited it gives
me great pleasure to bring you our latest
2020 edition of Good Company for St.
Patrick’s Day.
This year’s edition contains more jokes and Séan Kavanagh - Managing Director
Company Formations International Ltd
witticisms and funny stories than ever
before and we hope that you get as much fun reading them as we got
from putting it all together for you.
You’ll find something in there for all the family. And our prime objective
– as ever – is to bring a smile to your face. Because that’s what really
good company is all about… laughter and smiles and friendship.
In many ways, this year’s edition of St. Patrick’s Day good Company
is a special one for all of us because this year, Company Formations
International Limited is thirty years old.
Back in the old days, when we first started creating St. Patrick’s Day
Good Company, we used to print it up and send it out by snail mail. And,
of course, we never had enough copies to go around. But that’s all
changed nowadays as our online version is read and enjoyed all over the
world.
If you have friends or family members or business colleagues that you’d
like to share a joke and a smile with this St Patrick’s Day 2020, make
sure you pass on this link to them all. In the meantime, we wish you the
very best of Good Company.
Enjoy!
Séan Kavanagh
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 2
GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020
For 30 years
Company Formations
International Limited
CFI
have been forming successful
companies
We’ll be delighted to incorporate
a company for you
May we?
Company Formations International Limited
22 Northumberland Road, Ballsbridge, Dublin 4, Ireland
Tel: +353 1 664 1177
Email: cfi@formations.ie
www.formations.ie
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 3
GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020
Michael took two stuffed dogs to the world-famous St Patrick Day
Antiques Roadshow in Sydney.
"Ooh," said the presenter. "This is a very rare set produced by the
celebrated Johns' Brothers, taxidermists, who operated in London at the
turn of the last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good
condition?"
“Sticks” says Michael.
***
As you do...
A man walks into a bar on St Patrick’s day
with a roll of tarmac under his arm and
says: "Pint please, and one for the road." '
***
Police arrested two kids just after the O’Connell St parade on St Patrick’s
Day, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one – and let the other one off.
***
Everyone’s Equal
"I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they
are or how superior I am to them."
Steve Martin
Aggressive Fishing
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin O'Bannon for the St Patrick
Weekend. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there
one afternoon, his cousin walked by.
"What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon.
"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.
"Caught anything?"
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 4
GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020 "Ach, nae a bite," "What are ye usin' fer bait?" "Worms" "Let me see it," said O'Bannon. MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of whiskey and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out. "Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon. "No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!" It was after mass on St. Patrick’s Day when… Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.” The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." A story with a... ! A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 5
GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line
at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his
girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to
get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and... eh! ...
there's no punchline.
***
St. Patrick's Day Toast
Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer – and another one!
Learn a foreign language
A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions to the St Patrick’s
Day parade. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two
youths dressed as leprechauns walking by, obviously on their way to the
parade, so he stopped and asked them, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie
Deutsch sprechen?'
The two lads looked at each other blankly and then stared back at him.
'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?' he tries.
The two continue to stare. 'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response
from the two lads.
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 6
GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020
'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.
The Swiss guy walks off, obviously disappointed. One of the boys turned
to the second and said, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign
language!'
'Why?' says the other youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and look
what good it did him!'
***
A System
Two Irish workers, one called Patrick and the other called Patricia, were
working for the city public works department in preparation for the St
Patrick Day parade.
Patrick would dig a hole and Patricia would follow behind him and fill
the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest,
one worker digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So, he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you
dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
again?' Patrick the hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I
suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person
team. But today Eddie, the lad who plants the trees, called in sick.'
***
Three Irishmen, John, Michael and Seamus, were stumbling home from
the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past
the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says John, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave,
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Michael, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says
here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella' that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks John?
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else
is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 7
GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020 Parking for the parade Oísin was driving down the street in a sweat because the St Patrick’s Day parade was about to start, he had the kids in the back of the car and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me. My kids have been really looking forward to seeing the parade if you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my Irish Whiskey too!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Oísin looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." Band Aid Flynn staggered home very late after celebrating St Patrick’s Day with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could towards the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around, and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in his back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to find a full box of Band-Aids and began quietly putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?" FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 8
GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly… it’s all
those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
What’s all this Blarney about?
Tis there's the stone that whoever kisses
He never misses to grow eloquent.
T’is he may clamber to a lady's chamber,
Or become a member of Parliament.
"A noble spouter he'll sure turn out, or
An out and outer to be let alone;
Don't try to hinder him, or to bewilder him,
For he is a pilgrim from the Blarney
stone."
Francis Sylvester Mahony
Several stories attempt to explain the origin of the stone and
surrounding legend. An early story involves the goddess Clíodhna.
Cormac Laidir McCarthy, the builder of Blarney Castle, being involved in
a lawsuit in the 15th century, appealed to Clíodhna for her assistance.
She told McCarthy to kiss the first stone he found in the morning on his
way to court, and he did so, with the result that he pleaded his case with
great eloquence and won.
In this way, the Blarney Stone is said to impart "the ability to deceive
without offending". MacCarthy then incorporated it into the parapet of
the castle.
Where it is today!
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 9GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020
A busload of foreign tourists is traveling to the famed Blarney
Stone for St Patrick's Day.
One woman in the tour group is constantly unimpressed with the sights
and sounds of Ireland.
She complains throughout the entire trip about the food, lodging,
condition of the bus and other members of her tour group.
Upon their arrival at the Blarney Stone, the tour guide announces,
"Welcome to the Blarney Stone! Tradition has it that if you kiss the
stone, you'll be blessed with good luck for all your life.
Unfortunately, the stone is closed for cleaning today, so no one can kiss
it. Perhaps we can return here tomorrow."
This unfortunate turn of events set off the grumpy woman. "I can't come
back tomorrow!" she shouts.
"I have another tour to attend. Are you telling me that we came all this
way on this horrible tour, and now we can't even kiss this rotten stone?"
"Well, you may still be in luck," the tour guide reassures her,
"Legend has it that if you kiss a person who kissed the Blarney Stone
you'll be blessed with the same good fortune."
"I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman mocks.
"No," the frustrated tour guide responds, "But I have sat on it."
Have you ever noticed that...?
The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.
Tom Waits.
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 10GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020
The intellectual cycle
One always begins with the simple, then comes the complex, and by
superior enlightenment one often reverts in the end to the simple.
Such is the course of human intelligence.
Voltaire
Awaken your Giant within
Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared
believe that something inside them was superior to circumstances.
Bruce Barton
Priceless thoughts
The thoughts that come often unsought and, as it were, drop into the
mind are commonly the most valuable of any we have.
John Locke.
Huh!
If you think that nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car repayments
Earl Wilson
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 11GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020
Back up!
Life is like a camel. You can do anything with it except make it back up.
Marcelene Cox
The secret of happiness
Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting
it is happiness.
Bertha Damon.
The power of Goodwill
Goodwill is the one and only asset that competition cannot undersell or
destroy.
Marshall Field.
Monday Morning
Ireland's No. 1 energy crisis is Monday morning.
Author unknown
Be a Believer!
To believe in someone is the greatest gift you can give.
Terre Jasper
Untidy Drinking
A bartender said to one of his customers: “Do you always drink your
Whiskey neat?’
The customer replied: “No, sometimes my shirt’s hanging out.”
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 12GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020 Revelations A couple’s marriage nearly broke up because of the presence in their household of an old Aunt Nora. For nineteen long years, she lived with them, always bad tempered, always demanding. Then finally, one St. Patrick’s Day, she passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife: “Darling, if I didn’t love you so much I don’t think I could have put up with having your Aunt Nora in the house all those years.” His wife looked at him aghast. “My Aunt Nora?” she cried. “I thought she was your Aunt Nora.” Who is using the phone? When he saw how astronomically high the latest telephone bill was the head of the household call a meeting around the breakfast table of everyone in the house. “This is unacceptable” said the head of the house. “You have to limit the use of the phone. I never use this phone - I always use the one in the office. The other spouse said, “Same here, I hardly ever use the house phone because I use my work phone. The son said ‘Me too, I never use the home phone I always use the company mobile. “ “So, what’s the problem, asked the maid. “We all use our work telephones.” FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 13
GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020
***
A woman baked two gorgeous cakes for the St. Patrick’s Day Fair in the
village – one for €10 and one for €15
A man soon expressed an interest in buying one and pointing to the €15
cake , asked her: “What type of cake is that?”
Delighted with his interest, the woman replied: “That’s Madeira cake”
***
A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar on St. Patrick’s Day and, holds up
two fingers and says, “Five beers please.”
Do you know?
When was the first St. Patrick’s Day parade?
Interestingly, the first St Patrick’s Day parade was not held in Ireland at
all, but in Boston in the United States in 1737. This was followed by an
“official” parade in New York in 1766. Ireland was a little further behind
– our first parade was held in Waterford in 1903, while Dublin joined the
club back in 1931. Today, the parade in Dublin is a huge, colourful, theat-
rical event that snakes through the historic city centre, with vivid dis-
plays and international bands.
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 14GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020
There are no female leprechauns
According to the book 'A History of Irish Fairies,' there is no record in
Irish folklore of leprechauns having a female counterpart in their
ranks or even a solid record of how they procreate or reproduce
***
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's
Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass
showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't
real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband.
She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.
'I gave you a sham rock.'
Riddles for St. Patrick’s Day
• How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.
• When will the little snake arrive? I don't know but he won't be
long...
• Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
• What has three letters and starts with gas. A Car.
• How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep? You rocket!
• I think I would like a job cleaning mirrors, it's just something I
could really see myself doing.
• Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet? They
got stuck at C.
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 15GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020
• I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him go
faster, if anything it made him more sluggish.
***
On St. Patrick’s Day somebody stole my Microsoft office and they're
going to pay - you have my Word.
Just remember – you’re never really completely useless, you can always
serve as a bad example.
***
Do you Know That…
Up until the 1970s, Irish law prohibited pubs opening on March 17 as a
mark of respect for this religious day. It was feared that leaving the pubs
open would be too tempting for some during Lent and would lead to a
disrespectful amount of drunkenness on this most solemn day.
Don’t use “beef stew” as a computer password. It’s not stroganoff.
***
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 16GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020
A man walks into the bar on St. Patrick’s Day and, in a loud and
authoritative voice, says “Give me a beer before the arguments starts.”
The barman pours him a pint.
A few minutes later that man said again: “Give me a beer before the
arguments starts.”
The barman pours him another drink.
A few minutes later the man caught the barman’s eye and said: Give me
another beer before the argument starts.”
Thoroughly confused the barman said: “Excuse me , when are you going
to pay for all these beers?”
The man said: “Now the argument starts.”
***
Two Irish American visitors were back in Ireland for St. Patrick’s Day
and decided to take the opportunity to check out their ancestors. “I
decided to trace my family tree” one announced to the other, “Because
I’m not very good at drawing.
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 17GOOD COMPANY FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY 2020
Séan Kavanagh - Managing Director
This special
30th Anniversary edition of
St. Patrick’s Day Good Company
comes to you with a smile and with very best
wishes from all of us here at CFI
Company Formations International Limited
22 Northumberland Road
Ballsbridge
Dublin 4
Ph: + 353 1 664 11 77
Fax: + 353 1 664 11 00
Séan’s Email: sean@formations.ie
FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT COMPANY FORMATIONS INTERNATIONAL LIMITED PAGE 18You can also read
