March-April 2018 In this issue - When Libidos Don't Match... Top 10 Tips for a Healthy Relationship - EASA
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Toll free (NT only): 1800 193 123 www.easa.org.au Supporting Territorians since 1982
In this issue…
When Libidos Don’t Match...
Top 10 Tips for a Healthy Relationship
March-April 2018 CORP Public Workshops...
Page 2 Take it E.A.S.y
10 Top Tips to Keep
a Relationship Healthy
By Nina Boysen EASA Darwin
Keep the Relationship Safe
This speaks to the crucial foundational
building block for relationships – trust
betrayals come in many forms, not just
sexual infidelity. Saying you will do
something and not following through,
hiding expenditure, lying by omission, or
not being emotionally available, are all
examples of typical betrayals that eat
away at relationships.
Meet each other’s needs
If we meet one another’s needs then no
one will need for anything. The trick is to
be aware of what your partner’ s needs
are through communication and curiosity.
Often we play down our partner’s needs as
we make a judgment about that need,
evaluating its validity. Our job is to meet
that need whether we think it is important
or not. When our partner does that for us,
we are happy to meet their needs.
Value the friendship
We often treat friends and work mates
better than our partners. An element of
“taking them for granted” comes into play.
When Libidos Don’t Match...
Show an interest in your partner’s inner
world. We can tend to ‘tune out’ from By Nina Boysen
things our partner is sharing. Ask “why” to EASA Darwin
gain a clearer understanding about what is
happening for them rather than All couples will have times in their relationship when their libidos don’t
responding with “uh-huh”. match – there are numerous reasons as to why men and woman struggle
with their sexual desire.
Foster intimacy
Biological and chemical reasons – such as low testosterone, fatigue and
This doesn’t refer purely to sex, but also to
medication – can affect our thoughts, feelings and bodily responses to
affectionate touch, and sensual touch –
sexual stimuli. Emotional influences such as grief, relationship conflict and
neither of which need to lead to sex. There
a lack of confidence can affect our willingness to want to connect
is an assumption that if you are not having
physically with another.
sex that you can’t love one another
anymore. This is not the case. Psychologically, mental health issues – such as depression and anxiety –
often compel us to withdraw from others. Mismatched libido can refer to
People stop having sex for a number of
a number of problem areas. Esther Perel, a ground breaking researcher on
reasons. When the sex is good, it makes up
erotic desire, says the dilemma can come in different forms, “I don’t want
5% of the relationship. But when it’s bad,
the same amount of sex”, “I don’t want the same frequency” or “I don’t
it makes up 95% of the relationship. This
want the same kind of sex“. A mismatched (or loss of) libido can leave
disconnect infiltrates all aspects of the
people grappling with rejection, loss of confidence, confusion and hurt.
relationship. Couples need to talk about
their couples sexual style. Seek help earlier It is a myth that women always “have a headache”. Men who suffer from
than later. low libido find it extremely distressing and confusing, given all the
Make your relationship a priority stereotypical myths imposed on men.
Often, day to day tasks and child rearing Mismatched libido may be an indication there are issues in a relationship,
take all our focus and energy. If we don’t but it does not indicate that there is no longer love in that relationship.
keep something in reserve for our partner, Men
then cracks will start to show.
Many men who experience sexual dysfunction – such as difficulty getting
and maintaining erections, premature ejaculation or even delayed
Take it E.A.S.y Page 3
ejaculation – often experience a loss of desire. These issues carry shame
and embarrassment for men; therefore, avoiding the interaction is a self
10 Top Tips – continued…
defence mechanism. Medications and illness affect sexual desire, ranging Explicit communication
from anti-depressants, blood pressure medications, diabetes and cancer. Over time, we make assumptions that our
Men are affected by the emotional load of a relationship. Often we find partner knows what we are thinking,
that men who partner with a strong woman can find, over time, they feeling and wanting. These assumptions
shrink back in the relationship and can struggle to see their partner in an are not always accurate. Couples talk about
erotic light. In these circumstances, men will often create their own secret how they don’t feel heard or are talked
sexual worlds through porn and other online activities. over by their partners. It can be helpful to
say to your partner, “I really need you to
Women focus on what I am saying as it is
Women’s sexual desire has long been the ‘holy grail’ of pharmaceutical important”, or “I don’t need you to solve
companies, but they have not managed to bottle it, yet! Some women this for me, I just need to you be here and
experience a dilemma of performance, similar to men. They may not need to listen.”
to have a measurable physical reaction, but the combination of managing
Your thoughts are your reality
hygiene, self-confidence, ability to orgasm, sufficient stimulation for their
partner and other preparations, leads not to a loss of sexual desire, but a If your thoughts about your partner are
lack of desire to put in all that effort. constantly negative then your experience
of your relationship is going to be negative.
Woman who experience pelvic pain – through diseases like Endometriosis All people are flawed. We have to accept
or afflictions such as vaginismus or vulvodynia – will develop low libido as the irritants in order to enjoy the positives
a response to avoiding pain. Women are influenced by their hormonal that attracted us to them in the first place.
cycles and will often find that ovulation peaks sexual desire. Challenge yourself to note the frequency of
Relationships that are in high conflict will most likely experience a lack of the negative thoughts you may be having.
intimacy. Women who don’t feel safe in their relationship will struggle to Try focusing on the positives your partner
want to share their bodies with that partner. One of the biggest killers for brings to the relationship.
a woman’s sexual desire is the way in which their partner approaches Be willing to accept influence from
initiation. When language such as, “I want it”, “Why won’t you give it to your partner
me”, turns sex into a commodity rather than a mutually-beneficial
Culture, family upbringing and gender roles
interaction – that’s when women tend to shut down. Women report
can leave a partner feeling powerless in
feeling like they’re being used as the act is not about being with them as a
their relationship. A healthy relationship
person, but more about the use of their bodies. When a woman feels this
allows for seamless transfers of power.
way, it is guaranteed to end their erotic sensations or arousal.
Be willing to accept that our partner may
Note: This sense of being used applies to men also – hence, the have a viewpoint other than our own, but
expression, “I’m not a machine!” it is equally as valid.
So what’s the answer? Quality time is key
Each individual is unique, so there are no blanket answers. Our lives are hectic and ‘quality time’ can
sound like time you just don’t have. The
A good place to start however, is to look at your expectations of your sex
more you are truly present with your
life: are you trying to measure up to locker room talk, perceived Facebook
partner, the less time you need. How about
perfection or Hollywood porn?; what is good enough for you and your
a holding embrace while the kettle boils to
partner? There is no ‘normal’ – it’s about what works for you both.
make a coffee, or ensuring you have dinner
Secondly, it is astounding at how little couples talk about their sex lives. together – with no devices!
This act of intimacy can be so connecting and invigorating, but there is a
Know your partner’s love language
chance it can leave you vulnerable and disappointed – so we might
choose to ignore it. Our fear of being judged by our partner sends us into Dr Chapman developed the 5 languages of
silent indignation and resentment. So talk – kindly and openly, without gifts, words of affirmation, quality time,
judgement. Listen attentively in order to understand them and try to acts of service and physical touch. We all
avoid defensiveness. like a mix of these, but generally we each
have a primary ‘love language’.
Thirdly and lastly, make an effort to understand yourself as a sexual This is important because we tend to love
being. Nurture your erotic brain by giving yourself permission to have others in the way we like to be loved, but
erotic thoughts and even act on them as they come up. Masturbation is a it’s not necessarily what works for them.
key part of our sexuality and plays many roles – such as stress relief, to If we can learn how to make our partner
self sooth, to fall asleep and, of course, to enjoy sexual pleasure. feel loved, and vice versa, it will make for
Masturbation can help keep the erotic brain activated through a lull in a healthy relationship.
your libido.
For a quick quiz to find out your ‘love
If all else fails, then it may be helpful to seek assistance from a couples’ language’, visit www.5lovelanguages.com
specialist or sex therapist. For further information call EASA Darwin on
(08) 8941 1752 or email easadarwin@easa.org.au
Take it E.A.S.y Page 4
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