The Taco Bell of Loneliness
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The Taco Bell of Loneliness
There is a Taco Bell in the southern part of California’s San Joaquin Valley.
This is the California described to all junior high school students as “the most
productive land in the world”. It is not the California of sun-kissed blond girls
and surfers, or celebrities, beach colonies and the Academy of Motion Picture
Arts and Sciences, or the Brentwood Country Club and Mr. and Mrs. Ronald
Reagan. It is a landscape viewed, most often, while driving sixty-five miles per
hour. There are hot dry summers, some days clear and blue, others layered with
unexpected thick patches of fog leading to stories on the local six o’clock news
about “twenty car pile-ups.” The glossy, almost impossible, green of the fields
stand in stark contrast to the dry sandy scrub that borders the farmland and
mountains. The mountains extend north and south along the western rim of the
valley. They are deceivingly close, the small patches of vegetation that seem to
be within hiking distance are actually thirty foot Oak trees, nestled in the shal-
low creeks running to sea level.
This is a new Taco Bell; it has been built in the California Spanish Mission
style. The dark windows and red tile roof punctuate the clean off-white stucco
walls. Outside, a patch of landscaping, pink and white “hula-hoop” petunias and
white rock, surrounds the big metal signpost. There is a bright red banner, “2
Tacos, 99¢,” hanging outside in the front of the building. It flaps in the wind;
its red rippling shadows twisting in the reflection of the sun on the white patio
concrete. The parking lot is new and the asphalt is black and soft during the
hot summer. There are two gray concrete tables with benches near the entrance.
An aluminum red and white striped umbrella shades each table.
The front door has a large vinyl graphic of a taco and Pepsi attached to the
glass. Inside, the menu is bright and plastic with colorful over-scaled images of
Burrito Supremes and Taco Bel-Grandes.
18 THE GREAT BASIN 19Here is the layout of “State Route 198”: The two-lane road intersects Interstate 5. his patio. Two years earlier, when Jane was sixteen, one had kittens. The old
The Pleasant Valley State Prison and Avenal State Prison are located fifteen miles man took the box of kittens and left it at the freeway exit ramp.
north. The Harris Ranch Steakhouse is located on the eastern side of Interstate
5. An empty lot of desert scrub and a Texaco station neighbor the Taco Bell Jane left the bathroom door open as she took a shower. The water was too
on the western side of I5. There is a Best Western Big Country Inn and a new hot, but she stood there, her back against the wall, her eyes closed. When she
McDonald’s across the street. They both share an empty parking lot. A man with stepped out, she stood in front of the mirror and noticed her shoulders and left
an RV has set up rows of ceramic lawn animals for sale and uses the parking lot arm were very red. She combed her hair in the mirror after using some toilet
illegally. The most peculiar lawn ornament is placed in the front – a three-foot paper to wipe off the mist.
pig dressed in a farmer’s outfit smoking a ceramic corncob pipe. The mountain “Jane, are you combing your hair?” her mother shouted from her bedroom.
range that separates the rich coastal towns of California from the agricultural “You’ll get split ends if it’s wet. Don’t use the blow dryer on the hot setting,”
San Joaquin Valley shades the area in the late afternoon. She wore a tee shirt underneath her Taco Bell outfit. The polyester gave her a
rash. Some of the other girls had pegged their pants, but Jane refused to alter
The unnamed road that intersects State Route 198 ends at the base of the moun- hers. If she had pegged them she would be forced to buy the brown and orange
tains, marked by three yellow roadblocks, each one displaying four red reflectors. outfit, rather than return it someday. In the back of her mind she thought that
The entrance to the Whispering Sand Mobile Home and RV Park is directly to if she planned to return it, she was not doomed to stay, but if she bought the
the right of these roadblocks. This park is made up of twelve mobile homes, uniform, then there would be no reason to leave.
the smallest a silver mini-Airstream trailer, the largest a long pale yellow trailer.
There are no “double-wides”, or any trailer that could be classified as a “mod- When Jane’s mother was eighteen, slightly older than Jane, she had spent three
ern pre-fabricated dwelling.” Each trailer is fronted with a patch of grass, or in weeks in a beauty school in Bakersfield. She had weighed 250 pounds in high
some instances, a rock garden with a single cactus or ceramic figure from the school, but had slowly lost the weight during her senior year. Beauty school
McDonald’s parking lot salesman. and being thin were her dreams. After she lost most of the weight she had an
operation to remove the excess skin, leaving a scar that ran around her body
When Jane was four, her mother moved into the Whispering Sand Mobile Home. like the equator on a globe. Now she stayed in bed until noon and worked the
They lived in a sea-foam green trailer with a white rock garden decorated with afternoon/dinner shift at Harris Ranch on the other side of the freeway. She
three ceramic burros and a sleeping man with a sombrero. Jane’s bedroom win- often talked about leaving the Whispering Sand Trailer and RV Park and mov-
dow looked onto a large field of lettuce and the Golden State Freeway. Large ing with Jane to Las Vegas, or Sacramento. She had plans to return to beauty
industrial sprinklers watered the green field. They turned on at four o’clock in school, finish getting her certification, then getting a loan and starting her own
the morning and ran throughout the day, sputtering and purring. Jane’s mother’s shop. It would have, as she said, “potted ferns, fresh flowers every day and fancy
room had a view of the brown trailer in the next lot. Often when Jane looked flavored European coffees. Then I would be happy.” Sometime after purchasing
out, she would see the old man who lived there peeking through the shutters, the upright freezer that sat on their patio, Jane’s mother stopped discussing the
watching their trailer. His cats crawled in and out of an old refrigerator box on move. When Jane asked about her father, her mother responded in the same
matter each time with a long, angry sigh.
20 THE GREAT BASIN 21Jane walked to work, kicking the dust and rocks on the side of the newly paved When Jane was six, her father left. He worked at a Mobil station fifteen miles
road. When she detoured onto the black pavement, her dusty feet left light north on the freeway near the Pleasant Valley State Prison. She remembered
footprints. A dark blue BMW raced past her, heading toward the freeway. She an argument when he shoved her mother into a kitchen chair, “Shut the fuck
glimpsed a woman in a pink summer dress, one leg curled under the other, her up you stupid bitch.” he said with clenched teeth and a red face. He didn’t say
hand holding a pair of sunglasses. The man driving wore a white tennis outfit. good-bye, or if he did, she didn’t remember.
Jane couldn’t see their faces, only their bodies from the chest down and the back
of their heads as they sped away.In her mind, she felt the leather on the seats, After he left, Jane and her mother rented an apartment in a small complex, the
heard The Summer Wind on the radio, and the cool air-conditioning on her Oleander Arms, in Coalinga, but could not afford to stay. She and her mother
cheek. For a moment she felt clear and light as the car drove towards somewhere went to her grandmother’s house in Fresno. Jane slept on an old cot in the same
else. Then she was at the parking lot of the Taco Bell, the red banner flapping room as her grandmother. Her mother slept in the room that had once been
in the harsh sunlight. the garage. An uncle had refurbished it with a green rug and dark brown wood
paneling. The nails were visible on the paneling in a random pattern. They kept
There was a white Lexus in the parking lot with a Beverly Hills High Booster their clothes in a box in the corner. Jane’s mother felt it was important to keep
Parent bumper sticker on the rear window. Two very tanned women were eating the clothes neatly folded in the box. She pinned a Degas print of ballet danc-
at the corner table. The sun reflected off of their table and they wore oversized ers on the wall to make the room seem more cheery. Jane’s grandmother had
wrap-around sunglasses. three small dogs. They slept on Jane’s cot, on her grandmother’s twin bed and
“We stopped in Solvang and bought the most wonderful hutch and end in the closet on an old Holiday Inn towel. The bedroom held the rancid smell
table,” Jane heard the blonde say. of urine. Jane remembered smelling her pillow at night to make sure that the
“Could Solvang be any more precious? So Dutch or Scandinavian, whatever,” dogs hadn’t “piddled on it,” as her mother said. Her dreams were anxious. She
one laughed. woke, smelling the acidic, sweet smell of urine and watched the white branches
“Will you put the hutch in Jeff’s study or the library?” of the birch tree shift near the window.
“Jane, look my father gave me these neat glasses when he went to Branson.” At her grandmother’s house, there was an old clock that had a miniature fireplace
Jane turned to see Theresa standing next to a register, wearing a pair of fluores- in its base. A tiny yellow light was visible through a piece of plastic painted to
cent green foot-long novelty sunglasses. They stood out from her head on both simulate fire, and a round piece of foil turned to imitate burning logs. The mo-
sides. She looked like an overweight Elton John with Farrah Fawcett hair. tor whirred quietly and rhythmically. At night Jane lay awake and listened to
“Theresa, don’t you think they’ll get greasy if you’re working at the grill?” the gentle sound of the clock and her mother and grandmother talking in the
“I could wipe them off,” Theresa said. kitchen. There was a television on somewhere, but the voices were too soft for
Jane to distinguish what was being said.
The muzak system played an electric piano version of Close to You. Jane stood
by the unused drive through window. The dust had collected on the counter and In the summer, the sky still seemed light when Jane went to bed. She lay in her
she watched the cars pass on the freeway, their roar whistling in the distance. cot and watched the shadows on the wall fade from pale pink to dark blue. At
22 THE GREAT BASIN 23night her mother made pork chops and ate them with spring onions, and in a “Janey wants to go to beauty school. I was hoping we could count on you
state of half sleep Jane would smell them and feel hungry. for a little help. That’s why I called your sister to find you.”
“Just like her Mama.” he said, “Things are a little tight right now, but I’ll
Theresa wore the green sunglasses all afternoon while she worked at the grill definitely try to help. Honey, you call me Mark. OK?”
making hamburger and keeping the bins of lettuce, tomatoes, olives and cheese
stocked. Jane cleaned and stacked trays. A green Mercedes passed through the Jane stood listening, feeling somehow disembodied. She wondered what her facial
parking lot but did not stop. Two girls Jane’s age sat inside, the blonde driving expression was at that moment. Did it look convincing that she was excited? She
and laughing while the other played with the radio. Jane stopped wiping tables noticed Mark’s hands and realized they looked like hers.
and watched them drive towards the freeway. She looked at Theresa, who was
humming and putting Taco Bell cups in a holder, still wearing the green glasses. “I’ve got a cool idea,” Jane’s mother shouted, as if she had just thought of
She looked at her own unpegged pants and looked outside again, but the Mercedes something. “Mark’s going up to Berkeley for a few days. I think you should go
was gone. Her shoulders relaxed and the wind outside shook the windows. with him and both of you can get to know eachother all over again.”
On the first Monday of August, Jane mopped the floors, watching a man sitting Jane knew how her mother thought. If Jane bonded with him, he would give
in a corner booth. He had been there for over an hour, reading a paperback cash.
book and slowly eating a burrito. He was at least forty, wore jeans and a faded “I have work at the Bell, Mom.”
blue shirt and hadn’t shaved in several days. He occasionally glanced at Jane “I don’t think Mr. Burrows will mind if you take a couple of days. I’ll call
and smiled. him myself and tell him you’re sick.”
“Hi, I’m Mark.” he said. Jane, feeling light and distant, agreed.
“That’s nice,” she smiled and continued mopping.
He drove a rented silver Taurus. He kept his car in Berkeley and was concerned
She walked along the black pavement. Keeping pace with the sputtering sprin- it couldn’t make the trip to Coalinga.
klers. At her trailer, her mother and Mark, the man from the Taco Bell sat on the “Theresa, who I work with, got these giant sunglasses from her Dad. He
two stairs leading into the sliding door. They were sitting there quietly looking went to Branson.” Jane said.
in different directions and drinking beer from the can. “So is your mother still whacked?” Mark asked.
“I don’t know, she’s OK.”
“Well Janey,” her mother said, “this is your father.” “Boy that woman was hot. Wouldn’t go near me until I married her. But she
Jane extended her hand and said hello. She knew she was supposed to feel sure liked fucking once that ring was on. Doesn’t change the fact she’s nuts.”
something, but she didn’t. On television people met a lost parent or relative with Jane watched the mile markers.
tears, hugging, and shaking. Jane didn’t feel like doing either of those things. “So what do you do?” she asked.
She looked at the man to see physical traits they might share. His mouth was “Vitamins. I distribute vitamins.”
similar to hers, but that was all. “Do you have a girlfriend?” she asked.
24 THE GREAT BASIN 25“I’ve got a special honey right now, but I’m not so good with one woman. Jane’s plate of enchiladas was covered with a thick layer of yellow cheese, the edges
I’ve got a raging sex drive, if you inherited that from me, whoa watch out.” filled with slightly darker oil. Rain lowered her voice and leaned in to Mark.
“If I fill a Ziploc bag, I can put it in the bottom of a large White Shoulders
They exited the freeway in Berkeley. powder box. I’ll cover it with the powder and the powder puff. That should
“I’m sharing a little house with an old girlfriend” Mark said. “You’ll like work, right?”
her.” “Sure. But wrap it like a present. If asked, say it’s for your Mom.” Mark said
She couldn’t imagine how he’d come to that conclusion. glancing at Jane, tentatively smiling and winking.
“Ten G’s, right?” Rain said.
The house’s front yard was overgrown with grass and ivy. The front porch sloped. “Yeah,” he said, then, “So Janey, do you really want to go to beauty school
A hand painted sign hanging near the door read, “A friend with weed is a friend like your Mom?”
indeed.” Yellow flowers were painted around the quote. The door was open and “No.” she said, straightening the edge of the vinyl tablecloth under the
Jane heard someone inside speaking “baby-talk” to a dog. “Sweetie honey, give scratched acrylic cover.
Mommy a kiss. Kiss Mommy’s lips. Gimme a sweet kissie”
When they drove to Rain’s house Mark talked about his family. His parents
An overweight woman in her late forties came to the door. Her long gray hair lived in a small community a few miles north of Jane’s exit. She tried to look
was pulled back in a ponytail and she wore a gypsy skirt and sandals. Her interested, but felt like any bond that might be made would be a betrayal to
sweatshirt had a silkscreen of Che Guevara. her mother.
“Is this Jane?’ she yelled dropping the dog.
“What a beauty. I think she’s got your eyes Mark. You can call me your “My mom spent a lot of time with you a couple of years ago.” he said watch-
Auntie Rain, or Susan.” ing the road.
“Thanks” Jane said. “I don’t think so,” she said, “I’ve never met her.”
“Remember when you went to your friend Theresa’s house after school to
She showed Jane her collection of handmade ceramic mugs, pictures of her other play basketball and she had a babysitter? Well that was my Mom. She knew
dogs who were staying with a friend in Sebastopol and a record player that had who you were and loved seeing you. Your Mom thought it would be best if you
melted. It had been in a fire several years earlier after Rain had gone out with didn’t know. It might make you uncomfortable.”
friends and forgot to turn off the stove. Goin’ Up the Country by Canned Heat
had melted onto the dripping, liquid remains of the record player, permanently Jane tried to recall anything she might have done that was embarrassing. She
connecting it to the turntable like a Claes Oldenberg sculpture. remembered the woman, but must have only said “Hello” and “Thank You” to
her. She imagined the woman standing inside at the kitchen window watching
They ate at a Mexican restaurant in an industrial section of Berkeley. while Jane and Theresa played basketball in the driveway. Jane would run in-
“This is a little hidden secret. I’ve been coming here since the sixties.” he side, ask politely for a glass of orange soda, thank her and run out again. This
told Jane. was disturbing to her: the idea of a stranger, a minimal and forgotten character
26 THE GREAT BASIN 27in her life, being connected in a secret and intimate way. It was as if she had The story of his leaving told by her grandmother and aunts included an argu-
been photographed while sleeping, unaware that her nightgown had ridden up ment, draft notice, a vaguely apologetic note found on the refrigerator and a
exposing her. subsequent late night telephone call from somewhere in Canada.
Previously, she imagined if her father had not left her mother, she would have not When she returned home, Jane didn’t talk to her mother about the gel-caps.
felt as disconnected. Now, she could not sense any difference. The experience of She used the $200 she earned and bought a flowered bikini and make-up at the
meeting him was foreign and unnatural. And there was the constant underlying WalMart in Fresno. The menu at Taco Bell changed; Nacho Bell Supremes were
pressure that she should be feeling a multitude of emotions: love, anger, resent- promoted over the other items. Jane stood at the drive through window while
ment, curiosity and satisfaction. But there was nothing. He was just another man another voice, pre-recorded somewhere in Los Angeles asked the driver at the
who had once been involved with her mother. speaker if he would like to try the new Nacho Bell Supreme with steak combo.
When the recording finished, Jane asked for the order.
The day before Jane was scheduled to leave, Mark asked if she’d like to make “Hey that wasn’t you before.” was the most common reply through the in-
some money. He held a Ziplock bag of empty clear gel caps and a plastic bowl tercom.
with a large heap of fine white powder.
“Take the one side of the gel cap and tap it into the powder, attach the other The deep blue sky in the San Joaquin Valley stretches from one horizon to the
side and put it in the paper bag. I’ll give you one dollar for each capsule.” He other interrupted only by one or two high, light clouds. As the light fades, the
said. bright green of the fields turns to a dark forest color and the hills shift from
“What is it?” she asked. tan to purple. The freeway hums incessently. At night Jane lay awake, the crick-
“A little ‘X’. Don’t worry, it should be legal. Therapists use it. You should ets chirped, her mother listened to the cassette player in her bedroom and the
use it to get in touch with your inner self. Maybe feel the love. You have a lot sprinklers purred.
of anger.”
She sat on the sofa making the capsules, feeling lightheaded. A cat sat on the
window ledge in the sun, watching the grass outside. Mark watched her from
the kitchen.
“You know, I just wasn’t cut out for the responsibility of a kid. It freaked
me and I had to move on. I don’t know if you can forgive me now. You’ll un-
derstand in a couple of years.”
Jane wondered if he had heard the speech on television, from a rerun of Family.
Then he added, “And I had a great piece of ass who wanted to go to Toronto.
Jesus H. Christ on a bike, that woman was hot.”
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